Bound by the Scars We Share

by Vivien Churney

  Zoshia appreciated all the help she received but she knew that ultimately it was she who would have to take control of her life if they were all to survive intact. She received yet another blow when her solicitor told her that Harvey had not taken out life insurance. How would she exist with three children to care for? A small widow’s pension was paid to her but this payment was meagre for all their needs. Zoshia’s only consolation was that the house was not mortgaged. As her strength slowly returned, plans were formulated. Her resolve to make life bearable for her family was her primary motive for living. She would spit at death and make life work for them. Zoshia braced herself for a future without the man she loved and as a lone parent fighting for survival.

  Grace 12

  Freedom for Grace was her constant need. This word, Grace held dearly within her unhappy heart. She was tied closely to the devil and was unable to set herself free from her chains. Divorce was a man’s prerogative. Grace could not secure a divorce as Peter held the purse strings. It was a desperate situation, as she knew that it would be impossible for her to cope alone financially with her children. At the very least, he did provide for them.

  It was September 1968. The family moved to Warwick, as Peter had acquired a new position running a firm of architects in that area. It was a comfortable home and materially Grace wanted for nothing. She frequently wondered how she could earn her own money. The answer came to her. Sewing. As an excellent machinist, Grace performed alterations for people’s clothes initially and eventually progressed to dressmaking. She became very much sought after and this enabled Grace to secretly save her earnings, as she never dared to tell her husband that she was paid for her endeavours.

  It had become very clear to Grace that Peter had very strong mental problems and a personal inferiority complex which made him so uncontrollable and unreasonable. She began to realise that she was not responsible for his furious, unhealthy behaviour towards her. Even so, Grace lived her life in constant fear of his intimidation and emotional cruelty. “You are worthless,” he repeatedly told her, clearly enjoying her tears and pleas. What could she do? In these moments she felt helpless, and could not envisage any way out for fear of losing the custody of her children. So, silently, she suffered. When these incidents were over, Grace felt she was compensated by the fact that Peter would often disappear for long periods of time; sometimes days; sometimes for weeks on end. What Grace didn’t know was that he was secretly deceiving her with another woman. When he would return, Grace had to endure his persistent verbal abuse and further physical injuries which he would inflict on her. This abuse continued for several years. He always gave her a meagre housekeeping allowance for her and the children and kept any capital for himself. There was very little money but she did have a home. She would constantly pray for one of his long absences. It was only then, without the callous and cruel monster torturing her day after day, that Grace found a form of peace. Living with her family, without her torturer, gave Grace a sense of emancipation, despite the fact that she suffered extreme hardship financially.

  Eventually, Peter moved in with his mistress and so was frequently away from the house. He would occasionally visit and in these dreaded moments he virtually ignored Grace in his efforts to make her feel unworthy. She was oblivious to this and was utterly grateful that he did not physically attack her. Housekeeping money was paid into her bank account and together with her nimble sewing skills, Grace managed to survive and cater for her children’s needs. It was important to her to take control of her situation and Grace was relieved that Peter paid the mortgage.

  On one afternoon, during one of his visits and to Grace’s extreme surprise, Peter informed Grace that he wanted to divorce her. “You have given me no choice. You have made my married life unbearable with your constant wingeing and moaning. You are nothing to me and so I am leaving you and ultimately, we will be divorced. I will share the proceedings of the sale of this property with you, so that you may find somewhere to live,” Peter stated to her with an icy coldness. He wanted to make her cry for the last time. She was completely mute. She wanted to scream. She wanted to shout with rapture. She said nothing. When he left, she laughed and cried together hysterically. Grace was in a state of delirium. At last she was rid of the demon who she now cursed, even though he was the father of her children. Her delight was also tinged with anger – anger towards the male sex. Grace vowed never, ever would she trust any man. There was only one person who could be relied on – herself.

  When the initial relief subsided, she became anxious at having to move house. She did not want to argue about wanting to stay in the marital home because she was happy that Peter gave her custody of the children, so that he would be free to live his own life. Grace did not want to rock the boat. Something had to be done so that she could have complete financial independence. After much research, she enrolled in a part-time teaching course. Grace obtained a small grant from the local authority and started training. It was difficult, but while the children were in school, she could study and when they returned, Grace was a mother who cooked and cleaned for them. She was living two roles, a mother and provider. At last she felt free. This liberty to make her own choices was elating, despite the hard work and difficulties which life threw at her. No more physical torture. No more criticism. Grace was moving forwards.

  Some mornings were spent at the local library studying for her exams. She found it difficult but loved the practical sessions teaching art at the local school. It was often just a joy to read alone in the libary, surrounded by other people and have a sense of her own singularity. A feeling of being worthy had lifted her confidence as she began to show her talent for teaching. Sometimes, Grace would paint pictures during her teaching practice and the children would adore these sessions.

  It was during one of her visits to the library that she accidentally bumped into a young man who seemed to be looking for books in the same section where she was browsing. They laughed and began a whispered chat amongst the novels which surrounded them as if the books were written witnesses to their first meeting.

  “Should we go and grab a coffee around the corner?” the softly spoken man asked.

  Grace replied, somewhat enthusiastically and to her surprise, “Yes. Sure. I would like that.” It can’t do any harm, she thought silently to herself and he seems very sweet and friendly.

  Michael Portnoy was a lecturer in classics. He was unmarried and lived in an apartment locally. He loved his job and chatted to Grace about his subject which was fascinating for her as she adored classical literature; Greek myths in particular. They formed a friendship very easily.

  Each time they met, their relationship seemed to develop romantically. Grace, who was reticent at first, began to relax and allow her inner feelings of fear to be buried, as she started to deeply care for this young, loving man. He made her feel completely at ease and she could be her true self. This was unusual, as Peter had always expected her to behave in a certain way, his way. Michael was overwhelmed by his intense fondness of this beautiful woman with cornflower blue eyes and her enticing smile. He would regularly visit Grace’s home and became well acquainted with her children. They liked this friendly person who was clearly close to their mother and would look forward to the days when he came to stay. Eventually Michael moved in and for a while they all settled into family life. Grace was very happy but felt frightened that this contentment would only be temporary.

  It took some time before Peter and Grace’s property was sold. The fear of where they would go next resurfaced as soon as an offer was placed on their house. Financially this would be difficult for her, but she was resolute and determined to make it work. A surprising support to her problem came from her kind, affectionate Michael. He suggested to her one day, “Why don’t we buy a small cottage together? You have enough money for a down payment and I will repay the mortgage.”

  “Oh Michael,” Grace replied, with disbelief yet could not contain
her enthusiasm. “I can’t believe it. Are you absolutely sure?” She pleaded, wanting complete reassurance, “Are you certain that you want to live with a woman and her three children? Are you sure?” Grace repeated anxiously. Although she would lose her independence, she knew that Michael was sincere and kind and would help to support her and the children.

  “I really do care for you all,” he responded with a warm and sincere tone to his voice. “We will be one happy family,” Michael added enthusiastically, like a young child being given a bag of sweets. Michael seemed so elated and earnest in his idea that Grace agreed. Plans were made and Michael was true to his word. He persuaded Grace to apply for a job as an art teacher and he also found a small cottage for them to live in. It was big enough for all of them. The boys would share one bedroom; Tara would have the other room and they would be able to share. Grace kept pinching herself. Could this be happiness at last?

  “It’s so lovely here, Michael. I cannot believe this is ours,” Grace whispered to him as they surveyed their home. They loved the garden which extended far beyond anything they could have imagined. The veridian lawn was framed with water-coloured flowers and pink blossom that clothed the trees, and radiated a soft colouring, as if their colour and texture had been born from nature’s power: the loving soil, the life force of the sun and the replenishing rainwater. The scent within the garden diffused around Grace and Michael in the warming breeze. As they surveyed the scene with happiness, a small shiver crossed Grace’s shoulders. Was anyone allowed this much joy? Portraying the essence of her being, her turquoise eyes looked to the heavens and molten tears streamed down her cheeks, splashing onto her finger tips which held Michael’s hand close to her heart as the salt water sealed their pledge for the future.

  Three days passed and everything was organised in the house. Grace would start her job the following month. She was very excited. However, the fleeting ecstasy which she had experienced with Michael as they moved into their home was suddenly ripped from her. Michael left. He had left her after having shared their lives for just a week. There was no explanation. He had completely disappeared and she was unable to contact him. Grace was devastated. The heartbreak she felt was unbearable. How did she have no idea? Why didn’t he speak to her? She cried alone. She thought to herself that it had all been too good to be true. What man would like to take on another man’s three children? The boys were now young teenagers and could be very difficult. She felt worthless and not deserving of love. Her heartbreak was exacerbated by the realisation she would have to carry the burden of sustaining her home by herself, by paying the mortgage and all the bills. She had to find a way to bury the pain, as she had done so many times before. Grace convinced herself with all the inner strength she could find that she would manage. She had to.

  Zoshia 13

  In contemplating her life after Harvey’s death, Zoshia realised that no one could have ever predicted the extra-ordinary alteration in her circumstances. The young women who had left Antwerp with hope and enthusiasm had disappeared. Alone with three children and having to care for them as a single parent was tormenting her mind in ways that she could never have imagined. She hoped to grow old with her husband but this had been snatched away from her. Zoshia’s health began to deteriorate rapidly and she developed an abnormal heartbeat for which she took medication.

  She told herself that there was no use worrying and dwelling on the situation. It was time to take action. She had to work to earn a living and so Zoshia bravely obtained a job selling massage equipment. Her children were older now and she did not have to look after them in the same way as when they were younger. Although she was not well paid, she managed the job extremely successfully and sold many items to her needy clients through her warm charm. The commission which she earned helped her to support her family. Things seemed to take an upturn and the success of her children at school gave Zoshia much satisfaction and pleasure. Hannah would visit for several weeks at a time as her husband had passed away too. Despite their differences, the sisters enjoyed each other’s company and Zoshia also received some financial support from Hannah, as she had been left very comfortable financially by Maxim. Even though her sense of pride made her uncomfortable, she appreciated the help.

  Zoshia decided to study languages at an advanced level. She attended evening classes after working during the daytime. Her eldest daughter, Victoria, had left home in order to study art at a Midlands university. She was far away from Zoshia and her mother missed her dreadfully. However, she was happy that Victoria was following her passion. “Good luck my babela,” she had cried as Victoria left on the train. She felt a great affinity with her first born as they were both pursuing further education at the same time.

  Zoshia passed her Advanced Level examinations and secured a place to study French and German at Liverpool University. At this point in her life she felt very contented. Finding others to study with and discussing issues with lecturers fed Zoshia’s mind, which had been stagnant for so long. Zoshia was now swimming without a life jacket and she loved it. Developing a broader outlook on life enabled her to see the world differently. She viewed herself as an independent woman providing for her family. The important thing now was to make sure that her children were successful no matter what it took. This would incur hard work in order to ensure a positive outcome.

  It was 1973 and Zoshia’s two sons attended university in Liverpool and she opened a language school, having qualified as a teacher. This was because her degree in languages and her teaching qualifications gave her the confidence to do this. Although Zoshia was the sole teacher, she travelled to many different factories to instruct the workers in basic conversational French. The factories were expanding and connecting with Europe and executives benefited from her technical language skills. In the evening she taught German and French to adults, which enabled her to support her children at university.

  Although she enjoyed her daily routine, it was nevertheless a lonely time for Zoshia. Her children were studying at university and led their own lives. She yearned for companionship but somehow friendship seemed to elude her. Her tireless working, day and night, prevented her from making friends and socialising within her community where women did not work, but were supported by their husbands. Couples did not invite single or widowed women to their social events. Yes, she was alone. A foreigner. There seemed no real way forward in Zoshia’s mind for her to feel a sense of belonging.

  Zoshia continued to struggle financially and argued with bank managers; council officials; in fact, anyone who demanded payment from her. She fought to survive, as if her life and the lives of her children depended on it. Zoshia immensely enjoyed teaching adults in evening classes. This gave her a strong personal satisfaction as she was helping people. Also, the opportunity arose for her to develop a close friendship with a male lecturer Ewan Rees. He taught languages as well and this created a connection and a common interest. Ewan would visit her in the evenings when they weren’t working and they would converse late into the night. This relationship curbed Zoshia’s loneliness and gave her the comfort which she so desperately needed. She had at last found a soul mate on her intellectual level with whom she could engage in deep discussion. She felt less alone having Ewan for a friend. There was no romance between them, just an intense, deep platonic attachment and their ripening friendship blossomed. Life was hard work, as Zoshia felt she was just battling for her very existence; not against a Nazi invasion but a war of her own; a war of survival for herself and her family. Her relationship with Ewan eased the burden, as he made her realise the important job she was doing.

  Zoshia was ecstatic when Victoria obtained a position as an art teacher in the Midlands. Her daughter had become self-sufficient and would no longer be a dependant. Her mother was so pleased and proud, despite the fact that she missed Victoria so dreadfully. Zoshia still had the support of her two sons, if not financially but emotionally. It was difficult for them to see their mother work
so hard. She saw her workday life as a measure of her independence; she was highly respected and her opinions mattered. She was no longer the young restricted woman. The former had been replaced by a wise, mature middle-aged adult despite her unquestionable inner sense of despair which she constantly tried to suppress. On a personal level, the feelings of an unfulfilled life would often completely overwhelm her, as Zoshia continued to support herself and her sons. It was difficult for her to bury the feeling that her early musical talent, which had shown so much promise, had amounted to nothing. Materially, the hopes and dreams of a secure life had been thwarted. Zoshia would continue to ask why. Providence? Had this life been pre-destined? Still believing in her religion she felt a sense of betrayal in thinking this. Zoshia believed that her cup of life had not really been filled. Somehow it had always seemed to be empty, as the torments that she had experienced had sucked the life from her cup and destroyed it sip by sip. Although she longed to be cared for once more, both emotionally and financially, Zoshia knew that this would never happen. Having been loved by Harvey had given her strength to continue life without him. The enormity of her love for her children had endowed her with greater courage than ever before. Of course, she now had the credentials to allow her to earn a living despite her loneliness. Her work would be her salvation and she would have to be grateful.

  Grace 14

  Grace begged for some financial help from her father. When he refused, she asked her brother for support but he too declined to come to her aid. Somehow, Grace managed to maintain the mortgage repayments from her teaching salary and with emotional help from her friends at school, she began to see a way forward. Luckily, Michael had given her his part ownership in the cottage and this encouraged Grace to feel independent and thankful. She realised the importance of freedom to make her own choices and decisions. If she failed, it would be her fault and she would recognise this herself, without having to be abused and criticised by her father, brother or husband. It was as if she had finally escaped from the tyranny of male domination. In some sense it was a delight to make mistakes and correct them herself.