Bound by the Scars We Share

by Vivien Churney

  After the betrayal by Peter and Michael, Grace found it difficult trusting others. Although she had a number of close friends, who she relied for support, she knew that she would never be able to trust a man again. Her pain prevented this. Grace was very popular in the academic environment of school and she was a complete breath of fresh air. Loved by the children she taught, she had the gift of making each one of them feel special. In reality she did not allow her outer shell to be penetrated to reveal the despair within.

  As a successful teacher, Grace flourished and she developed a close friendship with a much younger female teacher who worked in the same school in Warwick. Comfort was found in their deep discussions about life, art and literature. They valued each other’s friendship which would last a lifetime.

  Both women adored the arts and together they would visit galleries, participate in painting and drawing classes, and attend the theatre. This was a distraction for Grace from the devastation of her loss of Michael. She had found it difficult and lonely without him. Although her colleagues at school were supportive and positive, it was difficult for her to disclose her suppressed emotions. Now that she had found a trustworthy companion , Grace was able to impart all her feelings to her; things she had never revealed to anyone. Crying involuntarily, she related the distress she had experienced during the ordeal of her tormented marriage. Grace did not talk about Michael too much as her feelings were still raw. So with the emotional support of her friend and the enjoyment of their pursuit of the arts together, she felt an improved sense of her artistic identity.

  It was with great excitement that Grace and her friend decided to take a few days holiday abroad to enjoy some sunshine and take delight in the Greek culture. Grace arranged for another friend to take care of her children. She desperately wanted to escape to somewhere different and forget her life and Michael, just for a short while. It was a cheap holiday and they stayed in a small apartment by the sea in Agios Nikolaos, Crete. This was a coastal town which nestled beside the gulf of Mirabello; a little haven of beauty.

  The two friends enjoyed sunbathing and swimming in the sea. The golden beach with soft warm sand allowed Grace to relax. Feeling the grains caress her arms and legs as she lay there gazing up at the sun, she dared her eyes to remain open, while the yellow rays penetrated her soul. At the same time Grace could smell the essence of the seaweed which was so serene that it seemed like a mystical experience. Her spirits had been lifted as she looked at her companion and thanked her.

  Together, they sat in the afternoons, drinking tea and eating cake by the lagoon. Grace informed her friend that it was told that the goddess Athena had bathed in the lake. How pleasant and relaxing it was to watch the glittering sun sparkling like a jewel on the clear water.

  After their afternoon delights at the taverna, the two friends would search the craft shops and buy tiny statues as mementoes of their holiday. Grace had not felt so happy for a long time as she immersed herself in the Greek sculptures and artefacts. Her favourite was a white carved figurine of Botticelli’s Birth of Venus; the first powerful woman, Grace thought to herself. She also purchased a petite statue of Aphrodite. These little artefacts would be a reminder of the brief moments spent together with her dearest friend, sharing their interests and their love of art.

  They visited the Palace of Knossos which had been destroyed by fire in 1700BCE. They learned about The Minotaur, the monster child who thrived on human sacrifice. Grace shuddered at this tale, realising the potential of her own human sacrifice at the hands of her cruel husband and how she had wondered through the mazes of her married life in fear and desperation. Now she was unchained and as her genuine self she bought a souvenir picture which she would keep to remind her of this visit.

  The island of Spinalonga was extremely beautiful. It had been a leper colony, and the barren landscape had become a refuge to isolated people because of this dreadful condition. When Grace and her friend visited, they were overwhelmed by the mysterious, etherial quality of the scenery which was surrounded by the crystal aquamarine sea. Grace pondered the beauty yet could not help but question how many weeping tears had been shed by the poor lost souls who had lived there. There were no souvenirs to be bought, just the fascinating images of the island’s enchantment, and the history of its sorrow. As they returned to the mainland, having left the island, Grace looked at the movement of the water and felt a deep sadness. It was as if the ebb and flow of human misery was represented here. Grace would never forget this holiday as it had revitalised her. In friendship the two women returned to England with suitcases packed with memories of their artistic visit to Crete.

  Expressing her creative needs was a life force for Grace, as she had always been made to curtail them. In the course of time she became stronger and more confident and eventually allowed herself to have romantic encounters. Her relationships with men were never serious until she met Larry Long, a lecturer at Warwick University. Grace was introduced to Larry at a party held by a school colleague; they were magnetically drawn to each other – an instant, mutual attraction. From that evening they became close, despite meeting just twice a week. Grace felt deliriously happy and allowed herself to fall in love with this handsome artist who had swept her off her feet. She was completely taken in by him, but he told her upfront that he was unhappily married, and this was further complicated by the revelation that his wife was an invalid. His situation made Grace wary of Larry and she knew that developing a relationship with him was very risky. Despite declaring his love for her very quickly, she knew Larry would never leave his wife. Part of Grace felt ashamed at the role she played in Larry’s betrayal, but their connection was so deep and out of her control. Their relationship was passionate – Grace had never experienced such ecstasy before. He had become like a drug to her and she adored the addiction. She was unable to tell her children about this relationship, as she felt some embarrassment because they had seen how unhappy she was when Michael had left. Her children had grown up and led their own lives and therefore she felt justified in her closeness with this new, romantic companion. He was so attentive when he was with her. Art was his passion and he shared this enthusiasm with Grace. Convincing herself that what she was doing was right, she told her close friend that a relationship like this would protect her independence, so that she could still lead her own life.

  Larry was a painter and exhibited his work. He took Grace to see his paintings and described each of them in turn. He relished the idea of abstracting the human body. Some were minimalised into curved linear lines using shades of one colour. In others, he would select tonal and spacial forms from the naked torso and translate them into overlapping, soft constructions. He would constantly talk about his paintings with Grace and valued her opinion. Grace was forthright in her constructive criticism. She told him that his paintings seemed to be cold and did not display the warmth of humanity. The shapes he produced were interesting but to her, they didn’t seem to represent the human figure. Larry dismissed her comments as those of ignorance. Grace tried to discuss her figurative paintings with him but Larry did not show much interest in them. She had no support from him whenever she suggested exhibiting them. This was difficult for Grace because even though she had a professional career, she wanted her personal talent for art to be acknowledged. Always trying to create in the evenings and at weekends, Grace had accumulated a vast number of paintings of landscapes, portraits and some imaginative pieces based on the books she had read. While she was producing her artistic compositions, she felt alive. It was as if her whole being had been taken over and she could forget the blemishes of her past. It would be so exciting for her to have an exhibition like Larry, but she realised it was merely a futile dream, a dream which would never happen. She knew he would not support her in this. It was a man’s world and she would have to bear it. Grace would suppress these dreams because survival was imperative. It was essential for her to concentrate on her job and maintain her finances in order
to pay the mortgage. Larry could achieve his dreams which he seemed to take for granted and she could enjoy him for now. For Grace, love would have to be snatched in between pain and loss. She told herself that she was stealing something back from life and hoped she would not be punished. Love was very important to her; it was the sunlight of the soul. For Grace, life was love. She knew that Peter had made her hate herself and she would never ever forget her suffering. Larry was not like Peter, he was warm and affectionate even though he was very self-centred. Their meetings were sporadic and he was often unreliable in his arrangements with her; sometimes he might not appear for several weeks. But it was the same routine: Grace would continually forgive him after he implored her to allow him to return. She adored Larry and could no longer envisage her life without him.

  Zoshia 15

  The lack of money which Zoshia suffered had dictated her lifestyle; she worked to drown her loneliness, despite her sons still living at home. She lived as a foreigner in a city of people who did not understand her. Ewan Rees had moved to another part of the country and so that friendship no longer gave Zoshia the comfort she craved. Once she had been married to a doctor and lived comfortably with him and their children. Now she had become elderly and those children had become independent from her as young adults. Who needed her now? Hannah was still living in Antwerp but she was not a well woman and Zoshia did not see her often. She too was alone, but was financially secure and continued to offer her sister support. Zoshia appreciated this, but life was still difficult.

  Never having been able to overcome her intense feelings of paranoia created by her experience during the Holocaust, every day was endured rather than enjoyed. Zoshia would wake with her heart beating rapidly in case she would have to quickly run away from her home. There was the sense of fear that somehow, she would be discovered and consequently imprisoned. No, she had not experienced the gas chambers. Her story was not as dreadful. But she had suffered like many other Jews at escaping that monstrous cruelty which would have ultimately ended in torture and unbearable death. The guilt at surviving had never left her and it seemed now that no one really cared about her abysmal life during the war and her family’s personal holocaust.

  Zoshia often felt herself drowning in her memories of the darkness of the Nazi persecution. Although she knew that she had been brave in her youth and had contributed greatly to the welfare of Jewish children, it was as if this was just a horrific memory. She knew that her younger self had not just submitted to life but had made an impact on it. Who could she talk to about it now? Who would ever know the story of her life? Zoshia felt that no one would care about her experiences as she was not in an extermination camp and therefore did not suffer in the same way. The feelings of apparent rejection were heartbreaking for her. She did not want rewards or any acclaim for the part she played. She just wanted mere acknowledgment. Unable to confide her true inner feelings to her children because they would be upset, Zoshia attempted to curtail her torment and focus on her teaching and the happiness of her family.

  Zoshia was delighted when her eldest son Raymond married Laura. At last her beloved boy had found a sweet, gentle girl who would love him in a way that he had been used to. They were very compatible, and she had every confidence in the marriage. Raymond had qualified as an optician and was about to open his own shop. She could certainly feel successful in her role as a mother and bathed in the glory of his achievement.

  It was not long afterwards that Zoshia’s younger son, Jacob, qualified as a lawyer. It had been a struggle finding the money to finance his studies but his qualification was the ultimate dream for her third child who had caused her so much physical pain at his birth. She loved him so much and the triumph she felt when seeing his practising certificate knew no bounds. Shortly after this tremendous accomplishment, he married a young girl, Belinda who it was clear to see, adored him. With both sons married, Zoshia prayed that their lives would be filled with health and happiness and that they would experience a joyful and secure marriage without the struggle that she had encountered. Although her sons had married late in life, having focused on their careers, their happiness gave her a great sense of relief. She prayed the burden of suffering and trauma would not pass on to the next generation and they would live life completely.

  Family life had ceased for Zoshia who now lived alone. She questioned the path that her life had taken from childhood to the elderly woman she had become. The dreams she had of utilising her musical talents as a pianist were never realised. Zoshia remembered how Harvey had loved her piano playing and the evenings they had spent together playing Chopin. In her mind she heard Gunther’s voice shouting loudly at her for making an error. Zoshia could hear him telling her that she would be a concert pianist if she took note of his directions. Her ambitions were firstly thwarted by the war and then slowly diminished by the household burden to which a woman had to succumb. This depressive outlook, despite her children’s successes, reflected her disappointment in her personal creative failure and this belief combined with her extreme loneliness took its toll. No one was aware of her own isolation and Zoshia could see no real way forward to personal contentment.

  It was 1990. Health issues demanded that she should retire. The death of Hannah dealt her an enormous blow that shook her to the core. All her life she had tried to escape from the presence of her dominating sister but now that she was no longer alive, Zoshia found her loss unbearable. Hannah had been the last person of her generation to understand what they had been through and suffered during the war and now she was gone. Zoshia had been left some money by Hannah which enabled her to feel the financial security she had craved all her life but this could not replace the loss of her only sibbling.

  Life has a way of altering things. Just as Zoshia thought she was doomed to years of loneliness and sadness, Victoria, told her that she might return home in the near future. She was not sure when, as this depended on her being able to transfer her job to Liverpool, but she was contemplating the idea. She had loved her teaching position and her friends but missed Zoshia too much and was making plans to return to her. The excitement which Zoshia felt was an unfamiliar but revitalising feeling that helped dull the pain of her recent bereavement. “She is coming home,” she whispered to herself and allowed a small smile to envelop her face. I just hope she doesn’t change her mind, Zoshia thought. What if she could not transfer her job? Zoshia would have to face her days completely alone. With this doubt, her happiness submerged into a sea of anxiety. She would not let herself be consumed with thoughts of Victoria’s return, knowing that life had never been on her side.

  Grace 16

  Growing older did not trouble Grace. Despite being middle aged, she was not unduly worried when she saw the wrinkles, which represented her life, embedded in her face, as she glared into the mirror to apply her lipstick. Her watery eyes still exuded the intense blue of her youth and her whitened hair displayed an apparent sagely wisdom, though Grace knew that this was not true. She was content to live in her home and see her friends. She missed her family who lived far away which made visits very difficult. Her brother was in contact from time to time but did not provide any emotional support. Grace often wondered what it must be like to feel truly loved by a man in an unselfish and caring way. The men in her life had used her for their own desires and she regretted the intense influence that her father always had over her which seemed to dictate her choice of male partner and imprisoned the growing woman.

  With hard work and determination, Grace’s three children became successful adults and despite the difficulties of their childhood, she was pleased that she had been able to support them through their education and into careers. Brian, Grace’s eldest son was a banker and became very successful. He married Angela and she cared for him with a strong belief in his ability to succeed. Sean used his practical skills to develop a thriving building company and led a comfortable life with his wife Lyndsay. Grace’s youngest child, Tara, worked
very hard to become a caring and hardworking midwife. She lived fairly near to her mother with her husband, Mark, which was a great comfort, as mother and daughter were extremely close.

  At this point Grace felt that she had completed her role as a mother and family provider and she embraced the love that she felt for Larry.

  As she continued her role as an art teacher and grew even closer to Larry, Grace felt a form of peace at last. Contentment consumed her being and she felt that she would be allowed to live her life uninhibited. Yet again, this serenity was fleeting. In an instant, Larry stopped visiting without warning. He told her that she was entrenched in his being, but this must have been a lie if he was able to abandon their relationship so abruptly. She knew that his wife’s illness had worsened and she would need taking care of in a way that she hadn’t before. Now she was alone, her world was desolate. Yet again she felt betrayed. This would be the last time. Never, ever again would she allow herself to be emotionally battered. She had told herself this so many times before, but this time she was resolute. For weeks she felt stunned. How could she have allowed herself to be used, sexually and psychologically? She had taken him back so many times when he would disappear and she had believed his pleading words begging her to continue their relationship. Her whole being had been given to Larry and it was he who had given her a sense of hope that she could live a fulfilled life with the love of a man. As a young woman, Grace’s dream of a loving relationship had been crushed completely by her destructive marriage. She had foolishly trusted Larry and now he had forsaken her.