On the Edge of Fear

by Thianna D

Ryan: Awesome. I talked to the chef and they’re offering braised lamb with mashed potatoes and green beans or lasagna with meat sauce. Which would you like?

  After she texted back her choice and he said he would see her in forty minutes, she broke into a run. She definitely needed to take a shower. Her clothes might not be brand new and she might not have a lot of them, but she could at least be clean and make herself look presentable.

  The one thing they had in abundance on the island was hot water. She stood under the almost-scalding spray and wished she had more time to enjoy it. Motel bathrooms were lucky if they had lukewarm water. Usually it was cold. This was luxury living.

  After washing her hair twice and her body three times, she stepped out of the shower. She owned only two pairs of jeans and three tops. He’d seen her in everything she owned, unfortunately. Well, she could hope he hadn’t noticed. Guys were supposed to not notice those things. At least she hoped. Perhaps someone would have a garage sale and she could pick up a couple more tops. Something to mix and match would help.

  Alexis wanted him to keep thinking she was pretty.

  There was a part of her that wished she had one of those chainmail dresses, but knew that even if she had, she wouldn’t have the guts to wear it. “Oh well,” she said with a sigh as she combed her hair straight and put on a little lip gloss. What little makeup she had was dangerously low. She should have thought of that before they left the peninsula. Then again, buying makeup was an indulgence. She shouldn’t waste her hard earned money on it.

  The jeans had a couple spots that were ripped, but at least they looked strategic rather than what they were—torn when trying to get away from someone. She wore the camisole she had on when they first met. It did the most for her skin.

  Did he like her skin? Her olive skin tone had received tons of responses over the years and some of them had been quite negative. Then again, he did seem to like her and she couldn’t imagine Ryan lying. He wasn’t the type.

  A knock on the door sent her heart into overdrive and she quickly pulled on her shoes and ran down the stairs. She opened it and it felt like her heart dropped into her stomach. Ryan smiled at her, his eyes twinkling in the low light. “Good evening,” he said and reached out a hand. “Ready for tonight?”

  Her heart beating so hard that she had a hard time hearing his words, she reached out and placed her palm in his. He squeezed her hand and they stepped out of her cabin. When she looked up at him in the slowly dimming light of the day, she caught sight of his firm jaw and the cute dimples that appeared next to his smile. She was on dangerous ground. But the situation was something she had never dealt with before.

  Alexis was falling head first for Ryan and she didn’t want to stop.

  Chapter Fourteen

  They ate dinner on the western shore. It gave them the most amount of sunlight possible and it was wonderful to watch the sun go down. Ryan finished his lasagna and put the box back into the bag he brought. He kept his focus on the water lightly lapping at the dirt to let Alexis finish her food in peace. They had talked about light things while they ate. College for him and her new job of cleaning the cabins. Now he was gearing himself up to talk about something a little more in depth. He didn’t get scared often, but he found himself almost immobilized due to fear.

  All afternoon he’d thought about what Alec and James had said. While he still wasn’t sure he could classify as a Dom yet, he couldn’t get Zippo’s fearlessness out of his mind. Perhaps if he could be that bold, he could figure out what kind of Dom he was sooner rather than later.

  The kind that would make Alexis happy to stay on the island.

  “That was good,” she said with a contented sigh as she put her box into the bag. She rolled her shoulders a bit and winced. “I still can’t believe how sore I am.”

  He smiled and rose up onto his knees and crawled behind her. “Here. Let me.” It was a pleasure to sink his fingers into her shoulders, to touch her. Her soft moan as she relaxed into his ministrations gave him a boost. He was helping her. Perhaps he could do this.

  “Lex?” he said quietly, his voice barely a whisper.

  “Hmm?”

  For a brief moment he almost changed his mind, but then he remembered Zippo running after the butterfly. Forget the fear, he told himself. After taking a long deep breath in, he slowly let it out as he kneaded her muscles. “I like you.” He almost winced at how stupid that sounded. Duh. “I mean… I mean I’m attracted to you and I want there to be more between us than just dating.” Oh shit. Did he sound like a girl? Or worse, did he sound like he was saying “Hey, I want to fuck you”? Not that he didn’t, but still. He didn’t want her to think he was just a bastard after her for one night.

  “I’m not saying this right,” he said in a groan. “It’s so much simpler when I want to scene with someone.”

  She looked over her shoulder, her dark eyes mere shadows in the waning light. “I like you too.” A soft smile curved up the corners of her lips and he smiled, relieved. “What do you mean it’s simpler when you just want to scene with someone?”

  He opened his mouth and then started to laugh. “I’m making a royal mess of this,” he admitted with a grin as he sat down next to her. “I’ve never been around a girl that I want more from than just a scene. A scene is what we call it when two or more people play in a BDSM context. Just for an hour or two. Not as in more long term. Which is what I want.” And he was probably messing things up again. Why didn’t they offer courses in college that would teach a guy how to be suave? He could have used that. Maybe he should ask Luke. He seemed to have it down… not that he ever went for long term. So perhaps not.

  Her hand pressed gently against his palm and he curled his fingers in between hers. “So,” she said, looking out at the water. “You want to date?”

  “Yes,” he agreed slowly. “But I want it to be more than that. I know you haven’t been on the island long. Hell, it’s been only a day now.” Had it only been a day? He felt like she’d been there for a lot longer than that. “In the vanilla world, they would call it being boyfriend and girlfriend. In a BDSM sense, we call it a D/s relationship.”

  She turned toward him, her smile a little wider. “You want to be my boyfriend?”

  “Yeah.” He was sure there must be lines of guys who would want her as their own. “But I also would like to have it in a D/s context too. Partly because that’s what I know. Partly because that’s where I’d like to see us going.”

  There was a long moment where she didn’t say anything and as the sun went down below the horizon, her expression became all angles and shadows, even under the light of the full moon. “What does that mean?” she asked. “I’m not talking in an abstract way. Kendrick talked about a few things today while he was showing me around and it was all abstract. What does being in a D/s relationship mean to you?”

  He could have hugged her for that. Talking about how it meant to him as opposed to what it meant to others would be so much easier. “My parents have been in a D/s relationship their entire marriage. Queen Alice and her husband Joseph were married when they were eighteen and found out about D/s ten years later. They’ve been in a D/s relationship for almost thirty years. Then there’s Alec and James and Kendrick and Becca. All of those couples have relationships I admire. Some in the ’nilla world would say they were wrong or confining or something. But all of them are happier than most.”

  He slid an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. “In a D/s relationship, there’s a hierarchy. One person leads and the other person follows. It’s not abusive. The dominant one isn’t—hopefully—a domineering asshole. Or if they are, that’s what gets the sub off. They do what they do to keep their relationship strong and their partner happy. The submissive one is happier giving up some control, trusts their partner to never harm them, and obeys the rules as they come.”

  “Obeys?” Her voice quavered.

  “I know a lot of people hate that term nowadays. I can understand why. A lot of
people over the centuries have used that word to enforce their position at the expense of everyone else. It was all about them. In the context I’m talking about, the obeying part comes from the Dom wanting his or her sub to follow.”

  “So what? You want me just to follow everything you say?” She pulled away.

  “No. I’m not going to pour a whole bunch of rules down and insist you follow them. We aren’t in this for a scene. At least I don’t want you just for one time.” He placed his hands in his lap and looked over the dark water. “I’m starting out and I’d love for you to start out on this journey with me. My thinking is that you and I create one or two rules at first. If you’re willing, of course. You’ll know what those rules are and any consequences for breaking them from the beginning. You don’t have to fear because you know what to expect.

  “I don’t want you to fear me, Lex,” he said and turned toward her. “I never want you to fear me. The rules would be in place to give our relationship a foundation and to set up some boundaries. Kendrick says all subs need boundaries. I don’t know if you’re a sub. Only you would know that. But I do know I want to get to know you better and to develop something with you. If you’re interested.”

  It was up to her now. He had to leave it up to her. Had he said too much? Too little? Made a total fool of himself?

  “What kind of rules?”

  Relief filled him. He hadn’t screwed things up. At least not yet. “Well, I’m thinking we start with the basics that make couples stronger. The first one that pops into my head is complete and utter honesty.” Even not touching her, he felt her tense. “I know it sounds odd. Crazy maybe. But when you can be totally honest with someone, know that they know everything about you and that they still like you, it breaks down barriers and allows you to be yourself.”

  “But you don’t want to know everything,” she said in a quiet voice. “Who wants to know everything about another person? There are things that should stay buried.”

  He considered that. She had revealed her prostitution to him and he hadn’t told her anything about himself that could be considered embarrassing or disturbing. “Things that stay buried have a way of coming back up,” he said. “You shared something from your past that I’m sure you would have preferred to keep to yourself. I haven’t done the same. Unfortunately I don’t have anything too bad. But I can tell you that I stole from a store once.”

  She turned to him quickly, startled. Heat flooded into his cheeks at the memory. “Yeah. I know. Stupid, right? I was twelve and wanted some candy. Mom was on a healthy-eating kick and no sugar was allowed in the house. This was right around Halloween. All the kids at school had candy and both Luke and I were dying for some. So one day on the way home from school, I had him wait for me and I went into the small grocery store and ran back out with two candy bars. We booked it through an alleyway and ate the candy.”

  “Was it good?”

  He snorted a laugh. “At first. There was kind of a high to it. I was sure nobody saw me when I put the candy into my pocket or suspected me when I left. I’d essentially gotten away with it.” But he hadn’t. “Of course I felt like crap. So did Luke. He threw up his candy bar before we got home. I didn’t, but I felt awful.” Small memories of the guilt buzzed in his stomach, making him nauseated. “It was a Friday, the day before Halloween. By Saturday I didn’t want to move. I stayed in bed. Let Mom think I was sick. Of course, Dad wasn’t buying it.”

  “Why not?”

  A wry smile crossed his lips. “Like I said. Dad and Mom have been in a D/s relationship since they were married. He recognized that something was wrong. Later on he told me he could tell I was feeling guilty about something. That guilt was eating me up from the inside out. He walked into the bedroom, stared at me, and demanded to know what was wrong. I knew I was in trouble and that if I told him what I’d done, he’d hate me and probably drag me back to the store to tell the store owner what I’d done.” He gulped at the memory. “But I couldn’t deny Dad. There’s just always been something about him, you know?

  “So if I remember correctly, I cried and told him about the candy bars. He listened calmly, asking questions when I paused. When I was done, he sat down on the bed and told me that yes, what I did was wrong and why. But that it wasn’t the end of the world. I got my ass smacked for it, but that was par for the course in our household. And it wasn’t in a ‘you’re bad so I’m hitting you’ kind of way.” He smiled at the memory. “I didn’t understand it then. I do now. A discipline spanking is restorative. It helps you pay for the mental guilt. And gives you a physical reminder. The next Monday, he picked me up from school and we went down to the store. He stood with me when I confessed to the manager what I’d done. I had to work every afternoon there doing stock for two weeks without pay to pay for my crime. I never stole another thing. I learned my lesson. And even better, the guilt was mostly gone. Yeah. I can feel some of how I felt back then, but Dad took care of most of it.”

  They sat in silence for a few minutes. “So complete honesty,” she whispered. “It sounds hard.”

  “It’s not easy,” he agreed. “But there’s also a kind of freedom that goes along with it. Like I said, when someone knows you that well and still loves you, it’s freeing.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  It sounded freeing, but she knew her secrets were too big, too hideous. Telling him that she stole… well, he might understand it given his own story. But he’d never understand her stealing from the Faire. Would he?

  His strong warm hand took hers and squeezed it gently. “I know it’s scary, Lex. You don’t know me and you’ve had incredibly bad luck with men starting with your own father. I’m not an autocratic SOB and I’m just starting out so I’m going to screw up. I can promise you that. But I can also promise that I want to get to know you better and that I’ll do my best to help you.”

  If she said no, it would end. Her possible idyllic summer would be over before it began as while she didn’t think they would throw her off just because she didn’t date Ryan, she would run. She’d take the first ferry tomorrow and head back to her life. A life filled with picking pockets and turning tricks. A life filled with lies and filthy motel rooms. A life without seeing Ryan again.

  That hurt more than anything.

  Perhaps there was a way to hedge the rules. She could agree to complete honesty from there on out. He didn’t need to know about her past. No matter what he said, there was no reason to dredge that up.

  “I c-could try the honesty thing,” she whispered. “What would happen if I told a lie?”

  He wrapped one of his strong arms around her and pulled her against his warm body. “I’m just beginning, but I’d say a spanking. It’s an attention getter and definitely helps to get rid of any guilt.”

  She remembered that piece of leather in Kendrick’s office. “With what?”

  “My hand.”

  That was a relief. A hand couldn’t hurt as much as that leather.

  “How often do you eat?” he asked, apropos of nothing.

  “Umm…” She cocked her head slightly. “Usually once a day or when I can get hold of a meal.”

  “How many meals do you get here?” he asked, a tinge of something in his voice that she almost thought was worry. Was he worried about her? Warmth bloomed in her chest.

  “Two a day.”

  “I’ll provide the third. So for our next rule, you’ll eat three meals a day. And that’s a meal. Not an energy bar or a piece of bread.”

  She rubbed her stomach. “I’m not used to eating this much. I already feel poochy from lunch and dinner today.”

  “You don’t have to go hungry anymore, Lex,” he said, his voice like hot chocolate on a cold day. “I want you healthy and happy. It’s hard to be either of those if you’re not eating right.”

  “But what if I get fat?” It wasn’t something she’d had to worry about. If she ate like that every day, she’d balloon up.

  “We can exercise. I love to run in the morning
s. You’re welcome to join me. Though I’ve got to warn you,” he said, a grin apparent in his voice. “I often spot at least one couple doing something.”

  A snort left her. “I can’t believe they have sex outside.”

  “Sex. Flogging. Blow jobs. I’ve even seen some things I can’t describe.”

  The place was crazy. So why did it feel like she belonged in amongst them?

  “So what do you think?” he asked after a few more minutes. “Want to give it a try?”

  She should say no. Unfortunately Alexis was too far gone to do so. She didn’t want to be separated from Ryan. Not yet. He was the first good thing to happen to her since before her mother died. Surely she could tell the truth and eat three meals a day.

  How hard could it be?

  “Yes.”

  “Lex,” he breathed and the awed sound of his voice had her turn toward him. Warm, slightly chafed lips fit over her own and she gave herself to the kiss. He was so comfortable to lean against, so safe to hold on to. His lips against her own sent fire down her spine to her core. She felt heat she’d only felt around him.

  When he pulled back, they were both breathing hard. “Do you… do you want to go back to your cabin?” he whispered.

  There was no doubt about what he was asking. If she said no, he would respect that. But Alexis didn’t want to say no. What would it feel like to have sex with someone she liked, someone who hadn’t paid for it? Would it be better?

  Before she could answer, a giggle broke the stillness and they both turned in the direction of the sound. She couldn’t see anyone, but Alexis could hear them.

  “Don’t move,” a deep male voice said. It sounded slightly familiar. “I’m—”

  “Oh shit no!” Ryan said and jumped to his feet.

  “Ryan?”

  “Just wait, Dad. Alexis and I were leaving.”

  Her mouth dropped open and unable not to, she began to giggle. That was Ryan’s parents. He grabbed the bag and her hand and dragged her south along the shore. It was difficult to see, but she understood his need to get away as fast as possible. Since there was very little light, they had to walk slow to make sure and not run into any boulders.