Dazed

by Katie Hauenstein

  “Rose, I think Stephan is –” Peter began.

  Standing, and ignoring Peter, I yelled back at Stephan. “I am not leaving you, Stephan!” I walked over and stole his hands into mine, even though he tried to pull away. Softer, I said again, “I am not leaving you. That isn’t what someone who loves someone else does. I might have vowed to be with you in ‘sickness and health, ‘til death do us part’ if life had allowed it and I am promising you that now. I will not leave your side until you have drawn your last breath.”

  Clearly mortified with himself, he tried to speak, but it ended up being more of a whisper, “Rose – ”

  “No, Stephan. Stop trying. Would you leave me if our roles were reversed?”

  He took a deep breath in defeat. “No. I wouldn’t.” After a pause, he said, “Fine. I’ll let you stay, but I want you to strap me down so I can’t hurt you. I would do that for you.”

  Peter looked horrified and hurt.

  “Everything alright, now?”

  “Yes, Darrel. Everything is alright now,” Stephan said.

  Stephan took my hand and led me over to the bed, where he lay down and waited. As difficult as it was, I strapped his arms while Peter strapped his legs down and sat on the edge of the bed next to him. Placing one hand on his other side, I looked down at his face, wondering to myself how much longer Stephan would be Stephan.

  Trying to pretend like Peter wasn’t in the room, I bent down to kiss Stephan and he interrupted by saying, “Stop.” I did and hovered only a few inches from his face. “What if I hurt you again?”

  Biting the sore already forming on my lower lip, I said quietly, “I’ll just give you a little peck. Last one. I promise. I don’t want my last memory of your kiss being one where you were not you.”

  Waiting for his approval, I stayed there and watched him think about it. After he nodded, I slowly filled the gap between us. Though the kiss was short, it was far from a peck. I pulled us apart and lay my head on his chest. Closing my eyes, I listened to his increasing heartbeat.

  “Can you rest on my shoulder? I would like to rest my cheek on you.” Stephan asked.

  I made eye contact with Peter and mouthed “I’m sorry.” He nodded and mouthed back, “I understand.”

  Already in the process of bringing myself up a little higher, I said, “Of course.” I closed my eyes. After a while, the men apparently thought I had fallen asleep.

  “Peter?” Stephan asked.

  “Count Peter? Your tests came back negative. You are free to go.”

  “Thank you. I’ll leave in a bit,” Peter addressed the speaker as he moved to sit next to Stephan and I on the bed. “What is it, friend?”

  “I’m sorry,” Stephan said.

  “No. You don’t need to be.”

  “Yes. I do. I shouldn’t have betrayed you. I should have never told Rose I loved her.”

  “Yes, you should have. If you didn’t, she would have never known.”

  “Would that have been so bad?” I felt a hand begin running fingers through my hair and knew it was Peter. Stephan continued. “Look at her. How sad she is. Do you think she would still be this sad if I had never told her?”

  “Yes. You are her best friend. Even before you told her you were in love with her, she loved you as a brother.”

  There was silence for a moment. Peter broke it. “If there would be anyone to marry Rose besides me, I would have wanted it to be you.” Another pause happened.

  “Promise me you’ll take care of her,” said Stephan

  “I can’t promise that I’ll win the King’s Test. There are more qualified men, even without –” Peter didn’t finish his thought, but Stephan did.

  “Me. I don’t necessarily expect you to. What I want is for you to promise me you will take care of her regardless of the results of the King’s Test. Protect her. Make sure whoever she ends up with knows there will always be someone watching out for her.”

  “I promise. And I’ll comfort her when you’re gone.”

  “She’ll be there for you, too.” Stephen chuckled dryly. “Probably more so than you will be for her, no offense. It is just her personality to give everything, even if she has nothing to give. I’m sorry about your family.”

  Pause. “They died shortly before I came in here. King Aaron won’t let me leave to bury them.”

  “I’m so sorry. Why haven’t you said anything before now?”

  “I don’t want to worry Rose. She’s dealing with enough right now with you and the King’s Test and everything else the world is throwing at her.”

  “Thank you, Peter.” Pause. “I love you, brother.”

  “Love you, too, Stephan.”

  He bent over us and gave Stephan a hug, then said goodbye and left.

  Not long after, I felt Stephan’s breathing regulate and knew he was asleep for possibly the last time. With a deep sigh, I joined him, wishing we could dream together.

  ~ ~ ~

  “Ahhhhhhhhhh!” I woke to Stephan screaming in my ear and I jumped up off the bed. His eyes were open and moving as quickly as if he was deep in REM sleep. “HELP! HELP! ROSE! NO! DON’T HURT HER!”

  “I’m alright, Stephan! I’m right here! No one is going to hurt me!” I was screaming over him to no avail. Knowing he wouldn’t be overcoming his nightmare this time, I began weeping uncontrollably and fell to my knees.

  Darrel ran in with a syringe and gave Stephan whatever medication was in it. Both of us had assumed a sedative would calm him down, but it only seemed to make things worse. The veins in his neck were raised as he screamed in fear not for his own life, but for mine.

  Shaking his head, Darrel walked over to me and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. There was nothing to be done. We waited for probably an hour, listening to Stephan screaming and ranting before a literal deathly silence fell on the room.

  Slowly, I stood up and approached the bed. Stephan’s grey-green eyes and mouth were wide open. I closed his eyelids, then his mouth. Quietly, I unstrapped him, then left the room, Darrel following close behind me.

  Without stopping or turning to look at him, as I walked out the door, I said, “I will leave you to your work, Darrel.”

  Chapter 20

  Having just loved and lost in the same day, I was in a state of bewilderment. I don’t even remember how I got there, but somehow, I made it to the swing in the center of my rose maze. The moon was full and bright. It was a small comfort knowing that we had been asleep for quite a long time before Stephan lost it completely.

  Sitting sideways, I leaned against an arm of the sofa swing and pulled my knees into my chest. As I wrapped my arms around my knees, I put my head on them and closed my eyes. Much earlier in the day, I had lost the ivory ribbon Marie had tied so beautifully in my hair and my long black tresses fell over my face. For only a moment, the image of the coffins appeared again and another wooden coffin disappeared. Another headache throbbed. By that point, it was clear what the coffins meant: six of the seven participants of the King’s Test were going to die, probably from this mutated Daze. How I wished I could cry, but my eyes refused to allow any more tears to fall.

  “Rose?”

  When I heard him say my name, I could hear the croak in Peter’s voice, probably from his own crying. His family was dead and he lost Stephan, too. Stephan’s family would probably be gone soon, if they weren’t already, assuming the pattern followed what happened with the Cedars and Willows.

  Looking up and at him, I saw the tell-tale signs of someone who had just spent a long time crying: puffy eyes, red nose, flush cheeks. I was sure I didn’t look much different.

  “Hello, Peter,” I croaked.

  “Is he gone?”

  I nodded.

  “Would you mind if I sat with you? I know it’s late and you have had a long day.”

  I gave him a small smile. “I’m sure you have, too. Please sit.”

  He sat down next to me and laid his head on my bent legs. Unlike me, he wasn’t quite finished cryin
g. When I heard his sobs start, I tried to soothe him by stroking his short, blond hair. He turned to me and held my legs like a lifeline.

  “I have no one now,” he sobbed into my legs and I felt his tears running down my bare legs. I changed positions so I could pull him into a real embrace. Before I could get him all the way to me, he saw the blood stains on my dress. “Is this from when Stephan bit you?”

  Shrugging, I said, “Yes. I didn’t feel like going to my room to change before coming here. I didn’t want to risk running into anyone. I am not feeling up to talking to anyone but you.”

  He let me pull him the rest of the way and laid his cheek on my shoulder. “You were kissing him.” It was a statement, not a question. Never before had I known Peter to be so vulnerable, yet there he was, cuddling me and holding on to me like I was his everything.

  All I did was nod to that, then lay my cheek on top of his hair. What could I say? That I fell in love with my childhood friend and essentially let him die in my arms? That I never stopped loving Peter even though I loved Stephan enough to kiss him? That I was the fickle woman I had always striven not to be?

  “You loved him.” Another statement. “I understand.”

  “That makes one of us.”

  He lifted his head and looked into my eyes. I went on, “Before he started losing his mind, I was still confused. I know I loved him as I love you. I can’t understand how I could have only today fully realized it or how it was even possible for me to feel so strongly for both of you. It seems cruel that I lost him in the same day that I realized my feelings.” I paused and tilted my head, placing both my hands on Peter’s face. “You are not alone, Peter. You still have me. I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you today. I did think of you and what was happening with you.”

  “Stephan needed you more. You’re here for me now. That’s what matters.” He took my hands off his face and wrapped them around his back and he lay his cheek on my shoulder again and nuzzled against my neck.

  “How can you be so magnanimous with me? I broke up with you this morning.” I vocalized my thoughts to him.

  “Technically, I broke up with you. And I can forgive you because I am still in love with you, even after hearing you say you loved Stephan.”

  “I’m sorry I never told you I loved you, too. I regret that. I do love you.”

  He looked down at the blood again and traced the line, like he was remembering how that happened. I couldn’t even think about how disgusting it was that he was touching my blood. “Letting you go was the hardest thing I have done in my life.”

  “We don’t need to talk about this right now. I just want to be here for you now.”

  Placing a hand on my cheek, he said, “Always so thoughtful.” He gave me a short kiss. “You’re probably right. We’ll talk about it later.”

  Peter leaned against me on my shoulder and held my hand. Aside from him ending our relationship earlier in the day, this was a side of him I had never seen before. He had never been one to really take anything seriously, but that day, he had been so sincere.

  Perhaps our love is more than passionate.

  I felt guilty still being in love with Peter when Stephan just died in front of my eyes.

  What kind of person targets entire families regardless of age with a disease so terrible?

  The way Stephan died was horrific. His wide, rapidly moving eyes, veins bulging because of his fear and screaming, and his struggling against the straps that held him down; he didn’t deserve that. He deserved a long life. He deserved to participate and possibly win in the King’s Test; to have a child and grow old with me.

  Whoever has done this is going to pay.

  My thoughts were interrupted by Peter’s snoring. Until he fell asleep in Doctor Bartholomew’s tutoring session, I didn’t know he snored when he slept. Yawning, I decided we would just stay in the rose maze for the rest of the night.

  Rotting roots to what anyone thinks. He and I both need company tonight. We’ve been through too much to be alone.

  I managed to rearrange us so we were laying down on the swing and he complied, moving around in his sleep. He laid down behind me and wrapped his arm around me like I was a big teddy bear he needed to feel secure.

  Just as I was about to go to sleep, I saw a figure make his way into the center of the maze. When he stepped into the moonlight, I saw it was Father. My eyes widened in fear of what he was going to do. He had a blanket in one arm, but held out his hand in a manner to let me know I didn’t need to worry.

  Father walked over and knelt in front of me, tears in his eyes. He looked up to try to stop the tears, but it didn’t work; just as my heart was broken, his was broken for me. Kissing me on the forehead, he placed a comforting hand on my arm. Though I thought I was done crying, more tears began spilling from eyes. He took a corner of the blanket and dried them from my face.

  Standing up, he unfolded the blanket and laid it over us. There was no concern on his face for me being alone with Peter. He must have known we were both grieving and needed to be with someone. After petting my hair for a moment, he turned and left.

  Shortly after he left, my tears ceased and my thoughts calmed. One would think Peter’s snoring would have kept me awake, but it was more soothing than the sound of rain on the roof. After pulling the blanket up so it was under my chin with one hand, I put the same hand over Peter’s cuddling arms and fell asleep.

  Chapter 21

  When I woke up the next day, the sun was high in the air and the rose maze was warm in its rays. I removed my hands from Peter’s arms and snuggled the blanket back up to my chin. When I shifted, Peter’s arm gave me a squeeze.

  “I was wondering when you would wake up,” he said teasingly.

  Yawning, I asked, “What time is it?”

  Peter laughed. “I don’t know. Probably sometime in the early afternoon, though.”

  I yawned again and moved my hand back on his arm. “I can’t believe I slept that long. How long have you been awake?”

  “Oh – probably a good two hours.” He cuddled me closer.

  “You could have woken me up, Peter.”

  “I didn’t want to. You needed the rest and I missed having you in my arms.”

  I chuckled. “It’s only been a day.”

  “Too long.” He laughed and kissed my hair. I can’t really explain it. It was like the day before hadn’t happened – at least for the moment.

  “Father came in here soon after we laid down with the blanket.”

  “I know. He came in while you were still sleeping and we had a quiet conversation.”

  Turning my head over my shoulder so I could see him, I asked, “What did you talk about?”

  Peter shrugged. “He offered his condolences about my family and I forgave him for not letting me leave. We discussed your broken heart and our broken relationship. And – ”

  “Wait. What?”

  He smirked at me. “Your father figured it out. Apparently, you mentioned me during a conversation about the King’s Test the other day.”

  “He told you that?!” Bringing my hands to my face and turning forward again, I said, “I’m so embarrassed.”

  Peter squeezed me and kissed my hair again. “Don’t be. I think it’s sweet. Anyway. We talked about this odd and deadly disease targeting the Noble families. He’s very concerned.”

  Putting my arms back on his, I said, “I am, too. Aside from the terror of it all, those provinces no longer have a Noble to represent them at the Council or to help keep peace in their homes.” Sitting up, I stretched my arms over my head and rolled my neck to get the kinks out. Peter propped his head up on his hand and looked at me.

  Feeling his gaze, I looked at him. “What?”

  “I could get used to this.”

  “Get used to what?”

  He took my hand and kissed it. “Waking up next to you. You’re even beautiful with bed head.”

  “Gee, thanks, Peter.”

  “Seriously. Your morning brea
th isn’t even that bad.”

  I rolled my eyes and looked down at my lap. “It’s not that I’m opposed to getting back together with you or even the thought of waking up in your arms.” I met his gaze again. “I feel like – I don’t even know how to put it.”

  Guilty. Hideous. Tired. Unsure.

  “I do. You only discovered your love for Stephan yesterday and now, less than a day after he died, you’re realizing your love for me is stronger than you thought and you don’t know what to do with it.”

  My mouth dropped open in shock. “Where did this Peter come from?”

  He laughed. “What do you mean?”

  “We’ve been together for five years and you only told me you love me a couple days ago. You have been thoughtful and serious and sincere. Far beyond simply charming and handsome.” Peter smiled. “I always thought you were just having fun with me because I was a pretty girl. It never occurred to me that you actually shared the feelings I was too afraid to have or admit. Now, here you are reading my mind and comforting me in the death of another man.”

  Sitting up, he traced the side of my face. “I love you, Rose. I will always love you. No matter what.” With a chuckle, he continued. “However, I will admit that when we started a relationship, it was all about how gorgeous you were. I still remember the moment I realized it was so much more for me.

  “It was about four years ago at your Birthday Ball. I was talking with Brian and Stephan when you walked in. You wore an ivory dress and had little roses of the same color woven into your hair. Even though Stephan was in the middle of talking to me, I walked over to you and kissed your hand.” He kissed my hand.

  “In my mind’s eye, the ivory turned into a bright white and I could see you as my bride. I recognized my desire to be with you forever and it both terrified and excited me.”

  “I think I remember that dress and hairstyle. After kissing my hand, you made a crack about my Rose of Petrichoria title and the roses in my hair.”

  “I always hide things behind humor.”

  I nodded with a smile. “I’m starting to see that.” Straightening my face, I asked, “Am I a terrible person, Peter? That I feel like nothing is broken between us, but I was only with Stephan yesterday?”