1,001 Facts that Will Scare the S#*t Out of You
Page 13
Sally Wadyka, “What Your Bowel Movements Are Telling You About Your Health,” MSN Health & Fitness, www.health.msn.com.
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380
FACT : Stools that have an extremely bad and unusual odor may be indicators of a more serious condition, such as cystic fibrosis, Crohn’s disease, ulcerative colitis, and chronic pancreatitis. They might also be an indicator of olestras eruptus—the volcanic ass explosion that often follows the consumption of olestra.
Christian Stone, “Stools—foul smelling,” Medical Encyclopedia, Medline Plus, U.S. National Library of Medicine and National Institutes of Health, November 13, 2007, www.nlm.nih.gov.
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381
FACT : Women are up to five times more likely than men to have urinary incontinence problems, primarily due to trauma the body experiences during pregnancy and childbirth. Of the 25 million Americans who suffer from incontinence, 75 to 80 percent are women. Oh, great. Something to add to their “pregnancy ruined my body” bitch list.
“What Every Woman Should Know,” National Association for Continence, March 27, 2009, www.nafc.org.
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382
FACT : More than 6.5 million Americans have fecal incontinence—the inability to control the passage of stool—and most of them are women. More than 10 percent of adult women in this country suffer from fecal incontinence. This is why they make cork.
“Fecal Incontinence,” National Association for Continence, August 14, 2008, www.nafc.org.
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383
FACT : During pregnancy, a woman can develop a fistula, or a hole in the vaginal wall that allows urine to stream out constantly. In the past, women with fistulas frequently became outcasts from their families and communities because of their odor.
My wife develops a fistula with her hand whenever I talk about old girlfriends.
Denise Grady, “After a Devastating Birth Injury, Hope,” New York Times, February 23, 2009, www.nytimes.com.
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384
FACT : A rectovaginal fistula is an abnormal connection between the rectum and the vagina that can lead to passing gas or stool through the vagina. The injury can be caused by childbirth, cancer, a complication from surgery, or an inflammatory bowel condition such as Crohn’s disease. Yes, passing stool through your vag is slightly abnormal.
Mayo Clinic staff, “Rectovaginal Fistula,” May 30, 2008, www.mayoclinic.com.
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385
FACT : Americans use 36.5 billion rolls of toilet paper every year, which represents at least 15 million trees pulped. Then my mother-in-law can wipe out an entire forest in just one trip to the can.
Justin Thomas, “Bidets: Eliminate Toilet Paper, Increase Your Hygiene,” www.treehugger.com.
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386
FACT : Steatorrhea is the presence of excess quantities of fat in stools, and is frequently a sign of a malabsorption syndrome such as celiac disease, cystic fibrosis, and chronic pancreatitis. The first sign of steatorrhea? Floaters.
Richard Ravel, Clinical Laboratory Medicine: Clinical Application of Laboratory Data, 6th ed. (Elsevier Health Sciences, 1994).
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387
FACT : Oliguria is extremely low urine output, similar to anuria, a condition in which the body stops making urine. Both symptoms are classic signs of renal failure, but can also indicate a urinary blockage or insufficient blood supply to the kidneys. Old man: Doctor, I can’t pee anymore. Doctor: How old are you? Old man: 97. Doctor: You’ve peed enough.
Prasad Devarajan and Louise M Williams, “Oliguria,” December 3, 2008, eMedicine, www.emedicine.medscape.com.
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388
FACT : Fecal transplant is becoming an increasingly popular option in the treatment of severe bacterial infections such as the Superbug (Clostridium difficile), which is resistant to many antibiotics. The transplant calls for the use of disease-free feces from a patient’s close relative, whose bacteria somehow defeat the infection. “Um, hi, Dad, how’s it going? This is a little awkward, but I have a favor to ask . . . .”
Rose George, The Big Necessity: The Unmentionable World of Human Waste and Why It Matters (St. Martin’s Press, 2008).
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389
FACT : The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) is developing a soft drink made from the urine of cows. In parts of India, cow urine is considered sacred. Names being considered for the drink include: Mr. Whizz, Cud-wine, and Holy Coly.
Matthias Williams, “They call it Mellow Yellow?” Reuters, February 12, 2009, www.reuters.com.
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390
FACT : Experts estimate that more than 21 billion diapers are dumped into U.S. landfills each year.
Plastics used in many disposable diapers can take hundreds of years to degrade, and the byproducts of that breakdown can seep into the soil and create hazards to public water supplies. It’s hard to imagine any plastic lasting more than a few days against the noxious fury of hot steaming baby poop.
“Disposable Diaper Statistics,” Hamptons Diaper Co., www.hamptonsdiapers.com.
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391
FACT : The largest water-contamination disease outbreak in U.S. history occurred in 1993, when the Milwaukee, Wisconsin water supply was infected with the parasite Cryptospordium. The tainted water killed 100 people and made 400,000 others sick. Many experts blamed the outbreak on sewage that is regularly dumped into Lake Michigan. Most of the bad water was used to make Old Milwaukee beer, so no one noticed.
Rose George, The Big Necessity: The Unmentionable World of Human Waste and Why It Matters (St. Martin’s Press, 2008).
Centers For Disease Control and Prevention, www.cdc.gov.
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392
FACT : Most people produce one to four pints of gas and pass it approximately fourteen times daily. Keep in mind that fourteen is an average. Some people fart more often, cutting a steady stream of smaller “fartettes” throughout the day, while others dispatch their gas with fewer but beefier blasts.
“Gas in the Digestive Tract,” National Digestive Diseases Information Clearinghouse, National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases, National Institutes of Health, January 2008, www.digestive.niddk.nih.gov.
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393
FACT : The foul odor of flatulence comes from intestinal bacteria as it releases gases that contain sulfur and, in some cases, methane, one of the greenhouse gases responsible for global warming.
So please be aware of not only your carbon footprint, but your carbon ass-print.
“Gas in the Digestive Tract,” National Digestive Diseases Information Clearinghouse, National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases, National Institutes of Health, January 2008, www.digestive.niddk.nih.gov.
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394
FACT : Flatulence can be caused by aerophagia, or swallowing air, something we all do as we eat and drink. Chewing gum, eating or drinking too rapidly, cigarette smoking, and wearing loose dentures causes increased aerophagia leading to more flatulence in some people. Come to think of it, Grandma did cut a lot of cheese.
“Gas in the Digestive Tract,” National Digestive Diseases Information Clearinghouse, National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases, National Institutes of Health, January 2008, www.digestive.niddk.nih.gov.
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395
FACT : Adolf Hitler suffered from chronic flatulence, for which he took anti-gas pills containing a mixture of belladonna and strychnine, both known poisons. One theory blames these and other “pernicious medications” prescribed for Hitler by a “diabolical quack” doctor for changes in his personality and temperament in the early 1940s. Who says the universe has no sense of humor?
Robert G. L. Waite, The Psychopathic God: Adolf Hitler (Da Capo Press, 1993).
Greta Garbage, That’s Disgusting: An Adult Guide to What’s Gross, T
asteless, Rude, Crude, and Lewd (Ten Speed Press, 1999).
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396
FACT : Urolagnia—also known as “water sports” or “golden showers”—is a sexual fetish in which partners derive pleasure from being urinated on, urinating on others, or drinking urine. The practice is often classified by psychologists as a form of sexual sadomasochism. Always discuss urolagnia with your partner before attempting it, as some people get pissed off when pissed on.
D. Richard Laws and William T. O’Donohue, Sexual Deviance: Theory, Assessment, and Treatment, 2nd ed. (Guilford Press, 2008).
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397
FACT : Another waste-based fetish, coprophilia, focuses on defecation for sexual satisfaction, and can include eliminating on one’s partner, and playing with or consuming fecal matter, which can have serious health risks. Please come back when you’re done puking. There are a lot more great facts in the book.
D. Richard Laws and William T. O’Donohue, Sexual Deviance: Theory, Assessment, and Treatment, 2nd ed. (Guilford Press, 2008).
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398
FACT : The average human will spend three years on the toilet during his lifetime. Lifetime? That’s only about four visits for my old man.
David Boyle and Anita Roddick, Numbers (Anita Roddick Books, 2004).
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399
FACT : Omorashi is a fetish subculture in Japan dedicated to arousal from the feeling of having a full bladder. Omorashi porn videos commonly feature schoolgirls, female professionals, and other women attempting to appear dignified before succumbing to the urge to wet themselves. Really, who isn’t turned on by incontinence? No wonder nonagenarians have so much sex.
“Top 10 Bizarre Fetishes,” Listverse, September 24, 2007, www.listverse.com.
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400
FACT : In March 2009, a New York restaurant owner was arrested for unlawful surveillance after a customer noticed a video camera in the ladies’ restroom. The camera, connected to the man’s office computer so he could observe females using the bathroom, was attached to the ceiling with regular cellophane tape. It had only been installed for a day before being spotted. It took them a whole day to spot it?
Newsday, www.newsday.com.
CHAPTER 9
The Price
Of Vice
Fifty More
Reasons Not to
Smoke, Drink,
or Do Drugs
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401
FACT : The U.S. has only 4 percent of the world’s population, but consumes 65 percent of its supply of hard drugs. Except when Amy Winehouse is in the country; then it jumps to 95 percent.
“Drugs: America’s Problem with Illicit Drugs,” Narconon, www.stopaddiction.com.
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402
FACT : The most abundant cash crop in the United States currently is marijuana.
Growers in California’s Mendocino County earn about $1 billion in pot revenue each year. Frito-Lay and Hostess do well there, too.
Nitya Venkataraman, “Marijuana Called Top U.S. Cash Crop,” ABCNews.com, December 18, 2006, http://abcnews.go.com.
“Raw Data,” Playboy, May 2009.
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403
FACT : Smoking is the number one preventable cause of premature death in America. Though a difficult habit to break, a recent study suggests smokers are more apt to quit if you bribe them. A test group who was given an incentive to stop smoking had a significantly higher rate of completion of a cessation program than the comparable “information only” group, and more of them quit smoking within six months of enrollment. Never underestimate the power of donuts.
“A Randomized, Controlled Trial of Financial Incentives for Smoking Cessation,” New England Journal of Medicine, February 12, 2009, www.content.nejm.org.
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404
FACT : About 14 million Americans fit the criteria for alcoholism or alcohol abuse. Those criteria include dancing badly, believing you are hilarious, telling people how much you love them even though you don’t, screaming “show us your tits!” to female cops, and waking up face down in a puddle of your own vomit. In jail. Without pants.
Dennis M. Donovan and G. Alan Marlatt, Assessment of Addictive Behaviors, 2nd ed. (Guilford Press, 2007).
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405
FACT : In rare instances, someone’s first use of cocaine can be fatal. Deaths from cocaine often result from cardiac arrest or seizure followed by respiratory arrest. That’s one way to avoid addiction, though.
“Cocaine,” Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com.
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406
FACT : Regularly snorting cocaine can lead to nasal problems, such as nosebleeds, loss of sense of smell, hoarseness, problems with swallowing, and septum irritation which leads to a chronically inflamed, runny nose. It can also rot your nose until it falls off your face. That’s a nasal problem, too.
“Cocaine,” Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com.
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407
FACT : Binge cocaine use causes increased irritability, restlessness, and paranoia, and can lead to full-blown paranoid psychosis that causes the user to lose touch with reality. This condition is also known as Republican Syndrome.
“Cocaine,” Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com.
”Cocaine: Facts,” Alcoholism and Drug Addiction Research Foundation, www.xs4all.nl/~4david/cocaine.html.
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408
FACT : Cocaine users who shoot the drug intravenously may have allergic reactions to the drug or any of the additives commonly found in street cocaine, which can result in death in severe cases. Users who inject the drug also risk acquiring HIV infection/AIDS and Hepatitis C if they share needles and injection equipment. Sharing needles shows a serious lack of judgment. People who buy illicit drugs from strangers and shoot them directly into their veins should know better.
“Cocaine,” Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com.
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409
FACT : Cocaine suppresses the appetite which can lead to decreased food intake, making many chronic cocaine users at risk for malnourishment and significant weight loss. Like when your nose falls off your face. That’s gotta be a couple of ounces. Unless you’re Bar-bra Streisand—then you’re talking closer to a pound.
“Cocaine,” Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com.
FACT : Potentially dangerous interactions can occur when taking cocaine and alcohol in any combination. Both drugs convert to cocaethylene in the body, which is more toxic and has a longer duration in the brain than either drug alone. The mixture creates the most common fatal two-drug combination. I think more toxic and longer duration is the whole point.
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410
“Cocaine,” Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com.
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411
FACT : Smoking is the cause of 90 percent of deaths from lung cancer in men and nearly 80 percent of deaths from lung cancer in women. The risk of death from lung cancer is over twenty-three times greater for male smokers and thirteen times greater for female smokers than for their counterparts who never smoked. Even if you only thought about smoking, your risk of lung cancer triples.
”Fact Sheet—Health Effects of Cigarette Smoking,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion, Office on Smoking and Health, January 2008, www.cdc.gov.