Damned

by Bec Botefuhr

  “I know…I know you’re curious so I will tell you, but I will only say it once Jade…” He croaks.

  “Jax, no. You don’t have to tell me anything; I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”

  He makes an odd noise but begins talking anyway. “He shot me, I didn’t see it coming and I remember falling over the side of the ship. They had it planned so well, the position. The crew yanked me up from the other side, making my crew think I was dead. They took me to the cells and…kept me there for two years. They…”

  “No, it’s ok Jax. Honey don’t…”

  “They tortured me, every day, for hours. Stabbing me, cutting me, burning me…”

  I feel tears pour down my cheeks, but I say nothing, I just let him go on.

  “They took the curse from me and took it apon themselves. Then they started attacking me, slashing me and biting me. I wanted to kill myself Jade, so many times, but I couldn’t. They made sure I could never get hold of anything. He was planning to kill me eventually but…well my crew showed up. That god you know, led them to me, and they killed Bill. I was with them for three weeks when they told me where you were…”

  “Oh Jax…I didn’t know. I would have found you, saved you, I didn’t know. It’s all my fault. Oh god.”

  He spins me towards him, his eyes hard. “Never say that.”

  “I let you go because I was all fucked up. I should have gone with you or made you stay. When Jack came to me, and said…you were dead. Oh god, I can’t…oh god.”

  “You saved me Jade, thinking of your face every day was the only way I managed. Knowing you were alive, knowing one day…I would see you again.”

  I hiccup, and the tears flow heavier. “I’m so sorry Jax.”

  He crushes me to his chest, but when I move my hands up to touch him, he shoves me back. “Don’t touch me.”

  I feel my lip quiver; his eyes are hard, afraid. I nod weakly and then stand up, getting out of the bath.

  “Jade…”

  “It’s ok.” I whisper, in a devastated voice.

  Will we ever be the same? Has this killed my Jax? I dry myself and then slide into the bed, curling my legs to my chest. I feel Jax slide in beside me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling my back to his chest. Moments later, we are both asleep. I wake suddenly an hour or so later, feeling a body over mine. Hands grasp my shoulders, slamming me down into the bed as my legs are forced apart. Jax is ranting; I can’t understand what he is saying as he shoves his body over mine. I scream and shove at him, but I can’t budge him.

  “Jax,” I cry. “Wake up.”

  “Need to fuck.” He roars as he slams inside me. I scream; two years of being alone and he has not built me up. It hurts.

  “JAX!” I scream, shoving him once more.

  Finally, he stops and shakes his head. He glances down at me, and his eyes widen.

  “Oh shit. Mate. I didn’t…”

  “It’s ok, no, it’s ok.” I soothe.

  “Oh fuck. Mate…I didn’t…two years they taunted me, making women suck me, rub themselves on me until I wanted to come and then…they would hurt me so badly I couldn’t focus. Two fucking years, I never came…oh Jade…. I am sorry.”

  Oh god. I feel my heart clench for him, poor Jax. How can I blame him for this, his body is needy, desperate and now he is with me…it is just happening how it used to. I take his cheek in my hand.

  “I don’t want you to stop.”

  He shoots me a look. “Jade…”

  “No, please. I want to feel you. I was frightened; that is all. Jax please…I need you.”

  He sits up, taking me with him so I am sitting on his lap. “Jade…I will come…fast.”

  “I don’t mind, I just want you. Don’t stop Jax.”

  I rock my hips and he groans; his fingers dig into my hips as he slowly circles them around and around. A knock on the door shocks me, Jax doesn’t stop. In fact, he doesn’t even pause.

  “Ah, yeah?” I say, trying to steady my voice as Jax reaches down and strokes me with his fingers.

  “Miss Jade, your father needs to see you for a moment.”

  Oh god. I am going to come, hard. Jax is thrusting his hips slowly into me; his fingers are torturing me.

  “Oh…w-w-what for?”

  I hear her begin telling me what he needs, but I can’t focus, my body explodes and I clamp my teeth down on Jax’s shoulder as I feel him release inside of me, with a sharp groan. God, that was so bad, so devious and god it felt terrific. When I feel Jax continue to thrust, I am surprised to feel that he is hard still.

  “O-o-ok. I won’t be long.” I yell out, my voice shaking.

  “No problem, Miss Jade.”

  “Oh Jax, more?”

  He doesn’t answer; instead he lays me down and positions his body over mine. He begins thrusting with a desperate need, slamming me over and over in a crazed moment. I cry out and go to put my hands on his chest once more.

  “Don’t fucking touch me.” He roars as he spills himself inside me once more.

  I am hurt, really hurt. He is so…cold. Has the small amount of warmth left in Jax been stolen from him? Is it too late to fix? He rolls off me and walks into the bathroom. I slip out of bed, dress and hurry out the door before he comes back out. I swipe away my tears, be strong Jade, don’t crumble. I find my father in Lilly’s room, rocking her on his lap.

  “Oh hey, what’s the matter baby?”

  “She wandered into my room, I don’t know why.” My father says, stroking her.

  “Oh, she loves granddad. I checked her only a while ago; I must have woken her.”

  She peers at me and stretches out her arms; I pull her onto my lap.

  “Thanks daddy.”

  “Anytime honey, are you ok?”

  “Shocked…confused…” I whisper.

  He strokes my cheek. “He will be ok love, give him time.”

  I nod and my father kisses Lilly before leaving the room.

  “Hi baby, what is the matter?”

  “Mummy, sick.”

  “You feel sick honey?”

  She nods.

  “Oh my, poor baby.”

  I feel her head to find she is warming up, I flick on the light and gasp; Jax is standing at the door. His eyes fall on Lilly, and the expression on his face is unreadable.

  “Jax…you don’t have to…”

  He steps closer, not budging his eyes from her. “She’s…mine?”

  “Look at her Jax, really look.”

  She peers up at him, and one look at those green eyes and he makes an odd sound.

  “Oh…fuck.”

  “She…she is beautiful Jax. Please, don’t run from her.”

  He goes to reach out his hand, then pulls it back. “Her name?”

  “Lilly Jade Watts.”

  He looks at me, for a long moment. “Like yours?”

  I nod.

  “She’s sick, I have to go and find some pain relief. Won’t you stay with her?”

  He looks scared and shakes his head. “She doesn’t know me Jade.”

  “Let her know you.”

  I stroke her cheek and put her down on the floor, leaning down to whisper in her ear. “You want to stay with…dad…Jax for a while? He is very nice, like granddad and Uncle Jack.”

  She looks at Jax, who just stares at her. She picks up her little dolly and stretches her arm out, handing it to him. He kneels down and takes it, his eyes never moving from her little face.

  “Is this your dolly?” He asks.

  She nods, smiling.

  “Can you show me where she sleeps?”

  She runs over to her bed and points to it. I walk out then, leaving them to it. I yank down the emotion that is welling inside me and hurry to the kitchen, fetching some pain relief and returning to the room. Lilly is sitting on Jax’s lap, showing him her drawings. He is…smiling. Oh god that smile, would she save him?

  “I got some.” I say, walking in.

  “She is…Jade she is so bea
utiful.”

  “I know right.”

  He looks up at me. “You did real good kid.”

  “I didn’t do it on my own. She’s half you Watts.”

  His expression is tormented. “You did do it all alone mate, all alone.”

  I force a weak smile and nod. “She saved me Jax.”

  “Mummy sick.” Lilly whines.

  “Here baby, have some of this.”

  I put the little syringe into her mouth and she sucks it down, crinkling her nose. Jax smiles, still weakly but it is a smile.

  “Better now?” She croaks.

  “Of course, what else makes it better?”

  “Kisses.” She cries, spinning towards Jax and giving him an expectant look.

  He looks up at me, confused.

  “Kiss her Jax.”

  He hesitates, then leans down and presses a few small kisses on her cheeks. She giggles and turns; pressing her small lips to his.

  “Kisses.”

  I laugh. “You always pulled the attention Jax.”

  He looks overwhelmed. I take Lilly from him and set her back in bed. “Time to sleep now honey, ok?”

  “Yes mummy.”

  “Goodnight, sleep tight.”

  She curls into her bed and I stroke her hair before turning and following Jax out. He says nothing until we get to my room. He sits on the bed and stares at me.

  “I am sorry…about before. It’s not that I don’t want your hands on me Jade…I love how you feel…it’s…”

  “I understand.”

  He nods, slipping his shirt off and grasping a pillow before heading to the nearby sofa. I stare at his chest again, all the pain, all the memories. Could I fix it? My father has shown me how to heal others without taking it onto myself, but I have hardly tried it.

  “Jax. Would you…I mean…would you like me to fix that?”

  He glances down at his chest, then back up at me. “Won’t it go to you?”

  “No, I have extended my powers. Won’t you let me try?”

  He nods, almost desperately.

  “It means…I have to touch you.”

  His jaw tenses but he nods. I walk over and kneel in front of him, placing my hands on his chest. He stiffens and makes a choking sound, but he doesn’t shove me away. I glance up at him; his eyes are clenched shut, his face screwed up in disgust. Was it that terrible? I focus back on his chest and close my eyes; I feel my power sliding out over him, around him and I will myself to heal his scars. I open my eyes to see that slowly the scars are fading.

  I run my fingers over each, as I do they disappear. His eyes are still closed, but he does not look as distraught. When I am finished, I admire his smooth chest once more. It is as it always has been in my memory. He glances down, and gasps, then reaches over to me and pulls my shirt back, checking that I in fact have not given his marks to myself. He drops his hands, touches his own chest again and then looks at me.

  “You grew real strong kid. I…thanks.”

  I nod. “Go…sleep.”

  “I will, on the couch.”

  “No take the bed.”

  “Jade, you need that bed. Your eyes are all black…”

  “Jax, I can’t sleep so please take it.”

  He looks hurt. “You can’t sleep?”

  “No, not tonight. Go on, I will see you in the morning.”

  I know my voice is weak, my hearts aching so badly it hurts.

  “Jade…we got a lot to talk about mate.”

  I stare at him. “Like what?”

  He clenches his eyes shut and then opens them again. “I am leaving mate. I wanted to see you, to ease your pain, but I am not staying. I am going to look for the island, I need a break and time…”

  “Ok, so we will come with you.”

  He shakes his head, and my heart breaks. “Jax? You don’t…love me anymore?”

  “Oh mate, it’s not that simple. I cannot be with you…or anybody right now. I need time. You stay, I will find the island and get better, and then…I might come back.”

  “Might?” I shriek. “You have a fucking daughter?”

  “YEAH,” He roars. “Who has gone two years without me. I am a monster Jade. I am fucked up. I will hurt her, or you, so excuse me if I don’t wanna be a part of all this.”

  “You don’t want us?” I sob.

  “No, not right now.”

  “Oh…my…god,” I scream. “You…you…” I turn and rush towards the door. He grasps my arm and yanks me around.

  “I am dangerous, I had a fucked up two years and right now nothing feels right. Not you, not her, nothing. I will not do that to you Jade or her. Move on and forget me. Find a better father for her.”

  I slap him, hard. Something in him cracks, and he slaps me back, so roughly I stumble across the room. He backs up, his face distraught. I stand, tears roll down my cheeks.

  “Go back to hell where you belong,” I hiss. “I would have helped you, would have sat with you and worked through this, taken my time. You think I am not fucked up Jax? You think the last two years didn’t fuck me over, but I am still willing to take care of you, I want to love you. How dare you.”

  Jack opens the door then, rushing in with my father close by.

  “You two, calm down.”

  Jack notices my cheek and rage fills him; he turns and leaps on Jax, ramming a fist into his face.

  “How dare you hit her, you filthy prick. You don’t deserve her.”

  Jax doesn’t fight, he just pants. “I fucking know that Jack, that’s why I am leaving.”

  “Good and don’t fucking come back.”

  I stand, racing from the room, tears pour down my cheeks. I can’t focus, can’t breathe. I slam into a body, only a small one. I look down and realize it is Kate, oh shit, please not now.

  “Finally.” She hisses and I see a glint of gold in her hands. A knife? A gold knife? Why is it gold?

  “KATE NO.”

  I glance up; Poseidon comes roaring down the hallway, but she holds up the knife and then presses her hand down over my throat.

  “Jade, that knife is gold. If she stabs you, it will be the only thing you won’t heal from.”

  Oh, shit. I kick out, my foot connecting with the side of her face. She falls backwards, but the knife doesn’t budge from her hands. What does she have it tied on? I see that everybody has come out of their rooms. Jack is holding Jax back, explaining frantically what is happening. I pull myself to my feet.

  “I will kill you and I will enjoy it.” Kate growls, stepping towards me.

  She throws the knife, and it whizzes past my head. Holy crap. I tumble backwards and watch as Kate leaps at my feet, driving another knife into my foot. I scream in agony. I fall onto my bottom and Kate leaps up onto me, driving a fist into my face. My head falls back and slams against the concrete. It is then; I hear Lilly’s little cry in the nearby room. If I die right now, she lives with nothing. No mother and no father. I make an odd roaring sound and drive Kate’s body off me. She stands back and grins, neither of us have any more weapons. She has thrown her last knife.

  “Now what are you going to do?” She smirks.

  She wants me to kill her, just with my hands. As if. I glance at Jax, his face looks worried. He is thumbing the gun in his belt. Perfect. I eye it, then him and he gets the drift. I kick Kate hard in her stomach, and she stumbles backwards. I run quickly towards Jax; he throws me his gun and I catch it, spinning around at the same time. Kate sees it and throws her hands up.

  “Don’t kill me.” She pleads

  “You just tried to kill me.” I hiss.

  “Jade, kill her. She is plotting against not only you but also your entire family, including your daughter. You have to do this or she WILL find you again.” Poseidon says, his voice is calm, encouraging.

  I hold the gun up, and my hands tremble. I can’t, I can’t shoot her in cold blood.

  “Jade, shoot.” Jack yells.

  “She can’t do it.” Kate laughs, throwing her
pretty head back.

  “Shoot her Jade, you’re a pirate.” Jax says his voice low but deadly.

  Tears flow down my cheeks, and I suck back a sob. I step backwards, but I don’t drop the gun.

  “Aw, she’s crying. Weak little princess.”

  “Jade, KILL HER.” Mack shouts.

  “It’s ok Jade, when you walk away in sobs because you couldn’t do it, I will be planning on slaughtering your family and your daughter. Hmm, you shouldn’t have messed with me; she will be fun to take apart slowly.”

  I pull the trigger; the shot sends me flying backwards. Jack catches me in his arms and spins me so I am facing his chest.

  “Well done, it’s all over.”

  “Get rid of that now PJ.” My father orders.

  Jack leads me to the dining room. Everything is over now, not just Kate but everything. Jax is going to leave me, alone, without him.

  “Sweetheart, it’s ok, you’re ok.” Jack soothes.

  I look up at him through blurred lashes. “He’s leaving.”

  “It will be ok, I will take care of you and Lilly. I promise nothing will happen to you.”

  “Jack,” I hear Jax’s voice swirl around me. “I need a minute with her.”

  “You touch her again Jax, and I will end you.” Jack warns.

  I watch Jack leave, and I turn to stare at Jax, holding back the emotions. He deserves none of them. His face is hard to read, he holds the same dead look he had when he arrived. Maybe he is right, maybe he truly feels nothing.

  “I have to do this Jade, and I know you hate me, but it is for the best. I don’t want to leave you with nothing. I am not a coward. How much do you need?”

  I gape. “What?”

  “Money, how much money?”

  “You can’t be serious?”

  “I may not be fit to be in your lives but…” his voice chokes up. “My, your daughter deserves a decent life.”

  I process his words. He is paying us off, sending us on our way with a nice paycheck to live a life without him. Wow. I am about to open my mouth to refuse him, but realize, I will need his money. I have only the money I took from my parents when I ran away. It isn’t near enough for a house or furniture to start a life with Lilly. My father would help me but still, it wouldn’t be enough.