Solemate

by Lauren Mackler

  Parent Ego States

  The Critical Parent

  The Critical Parent is the voice that’s laced with reprimands and criticism, and loaded with self-righteousness and judgment. This is where you hear a lot of “shoulds.” When the word should enters into a conversation, as in “you should,” I call it “should-ing” on people. That’s a tip-off that whoever’s on the receiving end of your “shoulds” is going to shut down and go into a defensive mode. Here’s an example of the Critical Parent making a service call. Let’s say her Internet service is down: “My service is out once again and you people can’t seem to get anything right. I don’t know what you think you’re doing over there, but you’re obviously not doing your jobs. You people should be ashamed of how you treat your customers. Now I expect you to get someone over here today and fix it.”

  The Enabling Parent

  Partners of active alcoholics are often referred to as “enablers.” It’s because they have a habitual pattern of allowing, or enabling, dysfunctional behavior. An Enabling Parent is someone who routinely excuses bad behavior, thereby letting others abdicate responsibility. Enablers don’t want to deal with conflict, so they avoid confrontation altogether. The enabler is the one who says, after the 30th time it happens: “Oh, don’t worry about being an hour late again. I know how bad the traffic is.” Here’s how an Enabling Parent might communicate to that same service representative: “I know you have lots and lots of customers, and I’m sure you’re really busy, which is probably why no one’s called me back this week. But my Internet service has been down for ten days, and I wondered if you could possibly send someone over. I don’t want to cause you extra trouble, but if you could possibly send someone over to fix it, I’d really appreciate it.” The service rep says: “The first appointment I can give you is three weeks from today.” The Enabling Parent responds: “That’s no problem. I understand. I know you have a lot of customers to take care of.”

  The Nurturing Parent

  This is a communication style you see less often. It’s most common among people-pleasers as their habitual ego state for communicating with others. Of course, when you’re hugging a loved one or sharing time with someone you care about, communicating from the Nurturing Parent can be very appropriate and feels great, but generally it’s not appropriate for adult communication in times of conflict. Here’s how a Nurturing Parent might talk to the service rep on the receiving end of the line: “Hi! You sound like a cheerful person. Where are you based? Minnesota? Well, how’s the weather out there in Minnesota? Well, I have a little problem, and I wondered if you could help me out with it.” Then, as the conversation progresses, she might say: “You are so patient and understanding. And I really appreciate it.”

  Child Ego States

  The Entitled Tyrant

  This ego state, as the name suggests, is demanding and laced with anger. It’s full of blame and comes from a place of outrage and entitlement. The Entitled Tyrant says things like: “Why do I have to do everything myself?” “I want you to do this!” “It’s not fair!” This is also a voice that can be verbally abusive, full of cutting insults, and overflowing with foul language. Here’s how the Entitled Tyrant might handle a call to the customer rep: “I’m getting really tired of this @& bull#&@! My Internet connection’s been down for two hours. I’ve been on hold for five minutes, and I can’t even get anybody on the #@*ing phone!”

  The Helpless Victim

  This communication style reflects not only a sense of helplessness but also an unwillingness to accept responsibility. The Helpless Victim says things like: “It’s not my fault,” “I can’t help it if I was late; there was a lot of traffic,” “No one ever told me; I don’t think I got the e-mail.” To a customer service rep, the Helpless Victim might meekly say: “My Internet’s down. I don’t know what to do. Can you please fix it?” “What seems to be the problem?” “I don’t know. It’s just not working. Can you send someone over here to help me?” “Did you shut everything down and reboot your computer?” “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to do that.”

  The Passive-Aggressive Child

  This is the style often used by people who have difficulty addressing issues directly. When they’re angry and annoyed, they might not say anything at all. Instead, they file it away and retaliate later. For example, if you don’t return a phone call, instead of asking you where you’ve been or expressing the fact that they’d appreciate your returning calls, they don’t return your phone calls, or they just write you off altogether. Because they don’t address issues as they arise, Passive-Aggressives often hang on to old resentments, which they then express through demeaning comments or jokes like this one: “You mean, you actually paid for that haircut? Hey, I was just kidding—don’t be so sensitive.” With a customer service rep, instead of directly addressing the problem at hand, someone in the Passive-Aggressive ego state would be sarcastic and indirect: “Nice of you to pick up the phone. I’ve only been on hold for about 20 minutes. But it’s no big deal. I mean, what’s my time worth anyway?”

  These are all ineffective communication styles if you want to get your needs met and maintain good relationships. They don’t accomplish your objectives and, in times of conflict, they typically make matters worse. They’re laced with words, tones, and emotions that spring from the conditioned self, and, as a result, they tend to tap into the listener’s conditioned self. For example, speaking from the role of the Critical Parent is almost guaranteed to invoke a defensive response from the Child ego state. In contrast, the Adult ego state is the one that’s the most emotionally intelligent—and the one that usually gets the best results.

  The Adult Ego State

  Let’s start with how to handle the same service call from the Adult ego state. First of all, the tone is respectful and polite; it doesn’t assault the dignity of the person on the other end of the line. When you’re in the Adult ego state, you directly address the problem at hand, sharing your perspective, adult-to-adult. For example: “Good morning. I’m having a problem with my Internet service. This is the third time it’s gone down this week, and I’m unhappy about the situation. At this point, I’m feeling pretty frustrated. I’d really like to get it fixed.” The response to this might be: “I’m sorry you’re having a problem. Let’s see if I can fix it.” Of course, you’re talking to a customer service rep. They’re trained to deal with Critical Parents and Entitled Tyrants. But out in the real world of adults, operating from the Adult ego state is more likely to elicit an adult response from others—particularly when you’re engaged in a potentially conflict-ridden interaction. You’re communicating in an honest and clear manner, without attacking or blaming the other person—“At this point, I’m feeling pretty frustrated, and I would really like to get the Internet up and running.” Speaking from the Adult ego state in an emotionally intelligent manner is a far more effective way to communicate your needs, and it increases the likelihood of getting them met.

  Let’s revisit some alternatives for how to communicate from the Adult ego state, with some of the reasons why it’s effective:

  • “I’m feeling hurt.” By starting your sentences with “I” instead of “you,” you clarify the fact that these are your feelings and experiences, without accusing, attacking, or blaming the other person or making him or her responsible for your feelings.

  • “It may not have been your intention to be hurtful, but that’s how I experienced it.” This is how you defuse conflict instead of escalating it. It’s important to acknowledge that your perceptions are not necessarily accurate and that your feelings are not always appropriate to the situation. Imposing your reality on others or making assumptions about what others are thinking or feeling—and that your perceptions are the “right” ones—usually leads to conflict or miscommunication. You don’t want to communicate with words such as: “You don’t care at all about me or my feelings.” Or “You’re selfish and insensitive.” By saying, “This may not have been your intention,” you mak
e it far less likely that others will react defensively and give them the opportunity to share their own reality and feelings. When you speak from the heart and share your feelings in a direct and nonaccusatory manner, you’ll find that people are more likely to respond more positively. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I spoke without thinking. I didn’t realize how judgmental that sounded.”

  • “I’m noticing that I’m having a really strong reaction to what you’ve just said.” By addressing the issue immediately, you’re staying in touch with your emotions and responding from your authentic self. You’re also being totally honest. That puts you in a vulnerable spot. But that means you’re being true to yourself and you’re putting the truth out there. That’s a critical piece of living from the authentic self. That’s how you build deeper relationships, deeper friendships, and a deeper understanding of yourself and others. And once it becomes your new, habitual way of relating to others, it’s also much easier. You’re not always worrying about saying the wrong thing or how the other person will react. You’re not avoiding conflict. You’re not spilling over with anger or criticism. Your goal is straightforward: to tell the other person what you’re experiencing. When you focus on that goal, you’re less likely to provoke a confrontation and more likely to successfully resolve the conflict and get your needs met.

  • “I’d like it if you’d be more sensitive to the fact that I’m single; I’m alone by choice. I’d really like you to be supportive of my choice and my single lifestyle. If you feel critical, I’d prefer that you not share those opinions when we’re together.” By addressing an issue head-on—the source of your reaction—you’re setting clear boundaries, with the intention of getting your needs and wishes met. You’re saying: “This is the way I want to be treated by my friends. I want you to be supportive. I don’t want you to communicate to me in critical and judgmental way.” That also gives you a way to find out more information about your friend. Is she able to respect the boundaries? Is she able to respond from the Adult ego state? Ultimately, you may find that a friend can’t rise to the occasion, but this approach will be the most effective way to help you accurately assess the situation.

  When you have to address a thorny issue—at work, in your family, with your friends—here’s the basic framework for effective communication:

  • Describe the situation as neutrally as possible. Say: “When you made that comment about being single, I had a very strong reaction.” Don’t say: “You always make me feel bad and don’t care about my feelings. You’re such an insensitive, uncaring person.”

  • Describe how you perceived the situation, your feelings, and your reactions, using “I” words. “I don’t know if that was your intention, but your comment sounded judgmental to me, and I reacted by feeling hurt and angry.”

  • Next, describe what you’d like to have happen. Set your boundaries. Define your needs. “I’d really like you to be more supportive of my choice and my single lifestyle. And if you feel critical, I’d appreciate your not sharing those opinions when we’re together.”

  Communicating from the Adult ego state is an art. As such, you have to practice it to master it. But it can be life-transforming. You’re sharing your truth in a resourceful and effective way, and you’re speaking deliberately from the authentic self instead of reacting from the conditioned self. It builds your self-respect and fosters healthy, constructive relationships with others.

  A few caveats: First, like all the other components of mastering aloneness, learning to communicate effectively takes time and practice. We all fall into the Parent and Child ego states. When you find yourself falling into old, limiting patterns, make an effort to clear them up. Talk to the person: “I’m sorry I overreacted today. I was upset, but instead of talking with you right away, I didn’t say anything. Then my anger built up, and when I finally said something, I lost my temper and screamed at you.” Second, realize that, regardless of how effectively you communicate with someone, you won’t always get your desired response. There are situations where you’re exercising emotional intelligence and communicating from the Adult ego state, but you still get a defensive reaction, because of the other person’s patterns. If Margaret, for example, continued to be critical and insensitive to my client Jane after she had expressed her needs and wishes, it would be important for Jane to examine the relationship more closely: Is this a person who can support who I really am? Is this a person with whom I can share a healthy relationship?

  Being True to Yourself

  Being true to yourself lies at the heart of living in alignment with your authentic self. No matter what situation arises, you know yourself so well that you’re able to identify, communicate, and act upon what you know is right or true for you. Like Jane Austen in Becoming Jane: Faced with a choice between sacrificing love or contributing to the financial ruin of Lefroy’s family, she didn’t hesitate. She knew in an instant. Imagine knowing what’s right for you, and honoring it, at any given moment—in every moment. It means making your truth more important than other people’s opinions, judgments, or disapproval. That’s not always easy. Sometimes, being true to yourself has fallout. If you’re in a relationship with someone who is unable to meet your needs or communicate with you from the Adult ego state, it’s important to address the issue. If you’re in a situation that’s in conflict with your authentic self or out of alignment with your values—like the fictional situation Jane Austen faced—you have to make a decision. Being true to yourself means being 100 percent committed to your true self and being able to act in alignment with that truth at any given moment. That takes a great deal of self-awareness, self-respect, and, often, courage. Consider the example of Rana, who came from a culture with strict prohibitions against divorce. It took tremendous courage for her to recognize and address the issues in her relationship with her husband. And, when she couldn’t resolve those issues, it took tremendous courage for her to defy the norms of her culture and leave her marriage.

  Learning to live authentically is a lot like learning to walk. It takes practice. You’ll stumble at times, and at first you won’t get very far. But, with perseverance, it will become your new way of living, something you do automatically. You may fall down a hundred times—or even a thousand times. But, in the end, you’ll experience greater freedom than you’ve ever imagined.

  Exercises for Retrieving the Authentic Self

  As you complete the exercises designed to help you uncover your authentic self, be aware of your thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Some people find it easy to identify their nature, strengths, and passions, while others find it challenging because of old limiting beliefs (“I’m not good enough,” “It’s not okay to boast about myself,” “I’m unworthy,” “I’m a failure,” “I’m undeserving”). Complete these exercises to the best of your ability.

  Exercise: Taking the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator

  Earlier in this chapter I talked about the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), a personality assessment originated by Katharine Cook Briggs, along with her daughter, Isabel Briggs Myers. Students of the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, Briggs and Myers based the development of and research for the assessment upon Jung’s premise that each of us is born with a specific set of innate personality traits and preferences, part of the hardwiring of who we are as human beings. While there are a variety of different personality assessments out there, I use the MBTI assessment in my practice because it’s based on substantial research; it’s been around for many years; and it does a particularly good job of assessing one’s innate personality traits.

  You may want to take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) yourself. You can accomplish this in one of two ways:

  • You can take the MBTI in person by visiting a certified administrator or facilitator. That would include coaches, career counselors, and psychotherapists who’ve been trained and certified in the MBTI assessment and are properly trained to interpret the results.

  • You can take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
(MBTI) online through the publisher, CPP, Inc., at www.mbticomplete.com. After you’ve taken the assessment, you’ll receive interactive feedback online. One caution: You’ll find a variety of other, unauthorized MBTI tests on the Internet. I don’t recommend that you take these tests, as their reliability may vary.

  The best way to take the MBTI assessment is in person with a certified facilitator or at the authorized Website. The findings will be valuable in retrieving your authentic self by helping you identify your innate personality traits.

  Exercise: Identifying Your Personal Qualities

  Take out your journal and write “My Personal Qualities” at the top of the page. Using the examples provided below as a guide, make a list of the personal qualities you currently possess. Write down any you feel are important to you.

  Compassionate

  Loving

  Creative

  Fearless

  Flexible

  Powerful

  Authentic

  Self-confident

  Charismatic

  Caring

  Accepting

  Passionate

  Self-disciplined

  Playful

  Joyful

  Spontaneous

  Generous

  Resourceful

  Strong

  Intelligent

  Adventurous

  Supportive

  Inspiring

  Intuitive

  Peaceful

  Gentle

  Self-sufficient

  Radiant