Solemate

by Lauren Mackler

Physically fit

  Healthy

  Balanced

  Energetic

  Nurturing

  Engaging

  Exercise: Identifying Your Interests and Passions

  Now, turn to the next page in your journal and write “My Interests and Passions” at the top of the page. Below that heading, make a list of all the activities and ideas that capture your interest, or engage or motivate you, using the examples below as a guide.

  Community service

  Personal development

  Nature

  Environmental issues

  Gardening

  Cooking

  Art

  Physical fitness

  Health and wellness

  Professional development

  Writing

  Dance

  Theater

  Music

  Sports

  Hiking

  Sailing

  Rock climbing

  Architecture

  History

  Science

  Spirituality

  Children’s issues

  Women’s issues

  Men’s issues

  Politics

  Animals

  Comedy

  Travel

  Skiing

  Education

  Biking

  Literature

  Crafts

  Antiques

  Carpentry

  Technology

  Fashion

  Exercise: Identifying Your Contribution

  Now, think about the kind of imprint you’d like to make in the world. In your journal, write “My Contribution,” and then write down any contribution or contributions you’d like to make, using the examples below as a guide.

  CHAPTER 7

  BECOMING THE

  PARTNER YOU SEEK

  See if this experience sounds familiar. You’ve been invited to a party, and the host mentions that there will be half a dozen single people there whom you’ve never met before. Immediately you begin thinking that maybe this will be the big night, the night you’ll meet that special someone, your soul mate, the person who will transform your life forever.

  The evening of the party, you take extra care getting dressed and you arrive on time. After greeting your host, you begin scanning the room for the new faces, ignoring old friends and acquaintances you haven’t seen in months because of your busy schedule. You introduce yourself to the first new, attractive person you see but then notice that someone else across the room looks even more promising. Although you’ve barely begun talking with the first person and have learned little about him or her, you end the conversation abruptly. Then you wander over to the buffet table where the second person is standing, introduce yourself, and start up another conversation—but still your eyes are roving about the room, trying to figure out if this person is the best prospect or whether there might be someone else even more appealing.

  When the party ends, you still haven’t met that special someone, and after you return home, you feel sad and empty. You realize that you didn’t make a connection with anyone. By focusing your energy on finding that one person who might rescue you from your unhappy life alone, you were unable to enjoy just being at the party, and you barely spoke to any of your friends. In other words, you were never really present at the party; instead, you were living your life in the future, where you pictured yourself in bliss with your ideal mate.

  What if you could do that evening over again? Imagine if you went to the party to meet people just for the sake of meeting people, rather than determined to find a potential partner. You’d have the opportunity to engage with all kinds of men and women who might enhance your life. You’d be putting yourself in a better position to enjoy the event.

  In order for that to happen, you have to begin to change the way you approach your life. Instead of imagining that someone else is going to transform your life, you have to start transforming it yourself. And rather than single-mindedly focusing on finding your soul mate—that special person who will make you whole—you have to focus on making yourself whole. The question you should be asking yourself isn’t: How do I find my soul mate so I can have the life I want? The question you should be asking yourself is: What do I need to do to create the life that I want for myself? Then you’ll start taking the steps that will move you in the direction you desire. Put another way, instead of pursuing your ideal partner, you’re going to become the ideal partner you seek.

  Becoming Your Own Ideal Partner

  Liberating the authentic self is the key to personal transformation and to creating a fuller, richer, and more joyful life. It’s only when you’re connected to, expressing, and meeting the needs of your true self that you’re able to realize your greatest potential. You’re no longer expending energy on finding someone else to make you happy. Instead, your energy goes toward creating the life you want and to enjoying that life. By living authentically, you’re building a sense of self-worth from the inside out. You’ll be taking responsibility for your own life, building your own financial security, creating the life experiences you seek, and creating a sense of love and fulfillment from within. Then, if and when you do meet someone with whom to share a partnership or marriage, the relationship will be the icing on the cake instead of the source of your self-esteem, your happiness, or your life sustenance.

  The world is full of fascinating and caring people who can enrich your life: friends, neighbors, and colleagues who may share your interests; men and women who can offer emotional support and intellectual stimulation; people who can teach you new things, inspire you, and make you laugh. But when you perceive new people exclusively through the limited lens of whether or not they are potential life partners, you close the door on a wealth of opportunities. Many people spend so much time looking for—or waiting for—their soul mates that life passes them by, leaving them feeling empty, alone, and dissatisfied, like the person who attended the hypothetical party at the opening of this chapter.

  In mastering the art of aloneness, you’re moving your life in a new direction by:

  • Creating the kinds of experiences that you want to have

  • Generating the financial security to which you aspire

  • Building support systems that develop your inner and outer resources

  • Expanding your social life to include exciting activities that aren’t necessarily planned around trying to find a partner

  • Developing self-esteem from within, and, as a result, experiencing and exuding greater self-confidence

  In short, you’re going to create a very rich and full life by yourself and for yourself, which will jump-start a remarkable change. As you build confidence and self-esteem, you’ll develop a greater appreciation of the person you are. As a result, you’ll take better care of yourself and do nice things for yourself. You’ll be engaged in actively loving and valuing yourself, thereby facilitating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

  Overcoming the Fear of Being Alone

  For many people—men and women alike—it’s fear that fuels their intense drive to find a mate: the fear of being unloved, the fear of being financially insolvent, the fear of being alone. For women, the fear of being alone often centers on an underlying belief that they can’t take care of themselves—either emotionally or financially. For both men and women, the fear of aloneness can revolve around the issue of emotional dependency. Many people are simply afraid that they can’t be happy without a mate. These fears are grounded in our limiting beliefs, not in reality. I had a client who was a multimillionaire as a result of her own business success. She had achieved complete financial independence and was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Nonetheless, she married a man she knew was wrong for her out of a deep-seated fear of being alone for the rest of her life. Ironically, she married someone who couldn’t make her happy, because she was afraid if she didn’t get married, she’d end up unhappy. She married him in a panic, and her marriage ended in divorce within six mo
nths. Her core limiting belief: I need a man to take care of me.

  In her landmark book The Cinderella Complex: Women’s Hidden Fear of Independence, Colette Dowling makes a compelling argument that “personal, psychological dependency—the deep wish to be taken care of by others—is the chief force holding women down today.”1In Dowling’s view, many women are unable to realize their full potential because they believe someone else will take care of them. In fact, they believe someone else should take care of them. With The Cinderella Complex, she put a name to the internal conflict many women experience between their desire for independence and their wish to be taken care of by men. Dowling wrote her book in 1981, after the cultural changes inspired by the women’s movement, but the stories she shares could just as easily have surfaced today—stories of women so afraid of losing the security of a relationship that they sabotaged their own careers; women who retreated into unsatisfying marriages because of the deeply held belief that they needed a man’s support; women who were “utterly paralyzed at the prospect of being on their own”2or who stayed in troubled relationships out of a fear of being alone; and women who, like Cinderella, were trapped in time waiting to be rescued, longing for a man to come along and save them, “waiting for something external to transform their lives.”3I’ve observed these patterns in my clients, and I’ve recognized them in myself. I not only experienced the desire to be rescued by a man but was also convinced that I’d be destitute without one.

  The problem with waiting for Prince or Princess Charming is, all too often, you’re sabotaging your own life by living in a kind of limbo. I’ve had clients who put nearly every aspect of their lives on hold, who behave as if their real life hasn’t yet begun, because they’re expecting a man or woman to come along—so their dream of having a mate, a family, and children can come true. They might hold off on buying a house, delay plans for an advanced degree, and turn down job promotions. Just as importantly, they spend much of their leisure time in limbo—watching television, hiding out at home, staying in their comfort zone—instead of actively developing their interests, pursuing their passions, and fully engaging in life. They’re waiting for a man or woman to complete their life picture. This is particularly common among women whose biological clocks are ticking or those who, since early childhood, have imagined a life that includes a husband and provider. But I’ve also seen it with divorced women and older women, as well as with men of all ages who aren’t engaged in a relationship.

  Despite the societal changes of the past 30 years that have increased gender equity and promoted greater self-awareness, many men and women continue to look for a partner to provide the happiness, love, and security they crave. They’re afraid of going through life alone. It’s a fear they share with many people who are in relationships. The fear of being alone is the glue that holds many bad marriages together. It’s the reason why many women give up their careers to care for their families, a choice that can have significant negative financial consequences in the long run. And it’s often why people are drawn into and remain in relationships that aren’t working.

  Among people who are alone, this fear reflects a variety of beliefs. Here are a few of the most common:

  • No one will ever love me, and I’ll be alone forever.

  • If I get sick, there won’t be anyone to take care of me.

  • I’ll be poor and destitute.

  • I’ll never get married.

  • I’ll never have children.

  • I’ll die alone.

  If you share some of these fears, you’re deep in the grip of FEAR—Fantasizing Events As Real. To uncover where the fear is coming from, you’ll want to move through the Five Steps to Managing Fear that I talked about earlier. Ask yourself: What am I really afraid of?What’s the movie I’m running in my mind? Do a reality check and dig deeper to uncover the core limiting belief that’s driving your fears. For example, fear of never having children is a major issue among both men and women who are single and in their 30s and 40s. If that’s your fear, ask yourself: Is this fear stemming from cultural expectations or pressure from my family? Am I afraid that people will think less of me because I don’t have children?Is this about something that’s expected of me? Is it the biological imperative that is driving this fear? Or is it something that I truly want for myself? As you begin to uncover and free yourself from the drivers of your fear, you can begin to evaluate different options: Single people do give birth and adopt. There are also plenty of other opportunities for nurturing others—as a loving aunt or uncle, as a volunteer, and in the education and child-care arenas.

  When the fear of being alone rears its disconcerting head, here are some other things to keep in mind and to include in your reality check:

  • Remember that being alone is a choice. If you wanted to be in a relationship, there are plenty of single people out there. For whatever reason, you’re choosing aloneness over having a relationship. Dig deeper into what those reasons may be and you’ll make a major move forward.

  • At its root, imagining that you will get old or die alone isn’t usually about having a life partner; rather, it’s about wanting to have loving and supportive relationships in your life. When you focus your energy on building those relationships, you can begin to alleviate those fears.

  • The next time you look around and feel as if all you can see are happy couples, remember that many of those relationships are riddled with conflict; many are built on people’s default patterns and core limiting beliefs. That’s a subject I’ll be addressing further in this chapter.

  • If you’re a woman, don’t fall into the trap of imagining that you’d be better off with a mate to support you financially—a limiting belief that many women still hold. In truth, 90 percent of all American women will be in charge of their own finances at some point in their lives.4As Leslie Bennetts points out in The Feminine Mistake: “In striving to become a fully mature, fully realized human being, there is no substitute for taking complete responsibility for your own life.”5

  • Many people tend to glorify the idea of approaching old age with a longtime mate. But, for women in particular, that’s a dangerous fantasy. Women tend to outlive men, and, as a result, many women end up approaching old age alone. In fact, among people aged 65 or older, 43 percent of women are widowed, compared to only 14 percent of men.6And, because women on average have lower earnings than men and many have relied on their husbands for support, they often end up with lower social-security payments, lower pensions, and meager 401(k)s.7Women are twice as likely as men to slide below the poverty line in their later years,8and four out of five widows living below the poverty line had not been poor before their husbands died.9Writes Leslie Bennetts: “It’s simply too risky to count on anyone else to support you over the long haul.”10

  • Relationships do end. The high divorce rate confirms that fact. And when your sense of self-worth, personal fulfillment, or financial security is dependent upon another person, if that person disappears from your life, so does your self-esteem, happiness, and quality of life.

  • Most people never do the work that takes them to the point where they feel truly fulfilled and whole on their own. You’re doing it now. That puts you ahead of the game and prepares you for healthier relationships with others.

  • Feeling unlovable is a state of mind that springs from your core limiting beliefs. As I’ve said before, feeling lovable starts with loving yourself. When you begin to live more deliberately and master aloneness, you begin to treat yourself better and feel more loving toward yourself. As a result, your sense of self-worth comes from within—not from others.

  • Finally, , it’s important to come to a relationship from a place of wholeness, not from a place of emotional neediness. If you’re looking for an ideal partner, there’s a good chance that you may be looking for someone to fill the voids in yourself and in your life. But you’ll be in a much better position to live life on your own or to attract your ideal partner if you’ve filled t
hose voids in yourself. That’s the premise behind the idea of becoming the partner you seek.

  Misguided Attempts to Fill the Voids

  Patti Scialfi, a recording artist in her own right, has been married to Bruce Springsteen since 1991. They have three children together. Not long ago, she was interviewed on the radio about her new CD, and my ears perked up when I heard what she had to say about her marriage. “You know, I was a child of the ’50s,” she told interviewer Liane Hansen of NPR. “There was the idea that love is a simplistic promise of completion . . . that you’re going to find the missing half, your lost twin, your soul mate. I don’t think that you can look for something external to really complete you that way.” She went on to say that her marriage had broadened her and given her a sense of fulfillment, but, she added, “You can’t really look for that. And if you’re looking for that, you’re going to be disappointed.”

  I couldn’t have said it better myself. One of the most common and widely accepted approaches to filling our personal voids is finding another person to make us feel happy, whole, and secure. But, in truth, relationships built on such premises tend to be conflict-ridden and unfulfilling. Why? Because if you’re unconsciously seeking someone to fill your voids, you’ll tend to attract someone who’s also on an unconscious quest for wholeness. As a result, there will be more differences than similarities between the two of you. You’ll both tend to be ill equipped to handle the conflicts inherent in such a relationship, which I call a “love battlefield” because the individuals eventually become intimate enemies. In contrast, in a healthy, interdependent relationship, the partners are integrated, whole individuals who have learned to meet their own needs and to communicate effectively. They come together out of conscious choice—not an unconscious drive to replicate old, familiar patterns.

  There are all kinds of relationships that are built on default patterns or unconscious drivers that spring from our conditioning. I have a client who has been married twice. Although, outwardly, those men did not seem very similar, they were identical in two important respects. Both of her husbands seemed to adore her. When she split up with each of them, many of her friends were puzzled. “But he’s crazy about you,” they told her, in both instances. Yet, in private, both of these men were extremely demanding and critical. She had replicated the pattern of her family of origin in both her marriages. Her father adored her; he was unusually supportive of her goals, her independent nature, her spirit. Her mother, on the other hand, was critical of just about everything she did. My client found not one but two men who were embodiments of the dynamic she experienced with her parents. In each case, the chemistry—that initial attraction—was intense. Both times, she married in the wake of a whirlwind romance that lasted only a few short months. But both marriages were plagued by conflict. She spent many years trying to accommodate her demanding husbands—just as she had tried to accommodate her demanding mother—but the marriages were based on her default operating system. They were toxic relationships.