Four by Sondheim
Page 19
HENRIK: Your handkerchief, Anne.
ANNE (Taking it, moving away): Thank you.
HENRIK: You must have dropped it.
(PETRA taps HENRIK on the Shoulder)
PETRA: Your book, Master Henrik.
HENRIK (Taking it): Thank you.
PETRA (With soupy mock-solicitousness): You must have dropped it.
(PETRA moves to get the luggage. FRID, seeing and immediately appreciating PETRA, goes to her)
FRID: Here. Let me.
PETRA (Handing him two suitcases): Let you — what?
(PETRA, with one suitcase, enters the house, followed by FRID, who is carrying two. HENRIK is moodily drifting away as DESIRÉE emerges from the house. She is followed by FREDRIKA, and smiling dazzingly for the EGERMANS)
DESIRÉE: Ah, here you all are ...
(CARL-MAGNUS clears his throat noisily. The smile dies)
Count Malcolm!
CARL-MAGNUS (Bowing frigidly over her hand): My wife and I were in the neighborhood to visit her cousin. Unhappily, on arrival, we discovered the chateau was quarantined for ...
(Snaps his fingers at CHARLOTTE)
CHARLOTTE: Plague.
CARL-MAGNUS: Since I am due back to maneuvers by dawn, we venture to propose ourselves for the night.
DESIRÉE (Concealing no little fluster): Well, yes. Indeed. Why not? Mother will be honored! — surprised, but honored.
(DESIRÉE crosses to CHARLOTTE, and sweeps past her, barely touching her hand)
Countess Malcolm, I presume?
CHARLOTTE (As DESIRÉE sweeps past her): You do indeed, Miss Armfeldt.
DESIRÉE: And Mr. Egerman! How kind of you all to come. Mother will be overjoyed.
FREDRIK (Bending over her hand): It is your mother who is kind in inviting us. Allow me to present my rather antisocial son, Henrik.
(Points to the drifting away HENRIK, who turns to acknowledge her)
And this is my wife.
(He presents ANNE)
DESIRÉE: How do you do?
ANNE (Icy): How do you do?
DESIRÉE (Indicating FREDRIKA): And this is my daughter.
(Pause)
You must all be exhausted after your journeys; my daughter will show you to your rooms. Mother likes dinner at nine.
(FREDRIKA leads them into the house: CHARLOTTE, then ANNE, then HENRIK, then OSA. FREDRIKA returns to the terrace. Simultaneously, both FREDRIK and CARL-MAGNUS turn, both with the same idea: to get DESIRÉE alone)
CARL-MAGNUS and FREDRIK: Where shall I put the car?
(They exchange a hostile glare)
DESIRÉE (Even more flustered): Ah, the cars, the cars! Now let me see.
CARL-MAGNUS (Hissing): I must speak to you at once!
DESIRÉE (Whispering): Later.
(Out loud)
How about the stables? They’re straight ahead.
FREDRIK (Hissing): I must speak to you at once!
DESIRÉE (Whispering): Later.
(Reassured, CARL-MAGNUS and FREDRIK return to their cars. Calling after him)
You can’t miss them, Mr. Egerman. Just look for the weather vane. A huge tin cockerel.
(Spinning to FREDRIKA, pulling her downstate)
Disaster, darling!
FREDRIKA: But what are you going to do? The way he glared at Mr. Egerman! He’ll kill him!
DESIRÉE: Let us keep calm.
(FREDRIK and CARL-MAGNUS, both with auto-cranks in hand, start back toward DESIRÉE)
FREDRIKA (Noticing): They’re coming back!
DESIRÉE (Totally losing her calm): Oh no! Oh God!
(DESIRÉE starts to run up to the house)
FREDRIKA (Calling after her): But what should I say?
DESIRÉE: Anything!
(She runs into the house, as FREDRIK and CARL-MAGNUS, gazing after DESIRÉE in astonishment, come up to FREDRIKA)
FREDRIKA (On the spot but gracious, seemingly composed): Mr.
Egerman — Count Malcolm ... Mother told me to tell you that she suddenly ...
(She breaks)
... oh dear, oh dear.
(She scurries up into the house. The two men react, then, ignoring each other, return to their cars. They each crank their cars and get into them. The cars back out offstage. MR. ERLANSON and MRS. NORDSTROM enter)
MRS. NORDSTROM:
The sun sits low
And the vespers ring,
MR. ERLANSON:
And the shadows grow
And the crickets sing,
And it’s...
MRS. NORDSTROM:
Look! Is that the moon?
MR. ERLANSON:
Yes.
What a lovely afternoon!
MRS. NORDSTROM:
Yes.
MR. ERLANSON:
The evening air
Doesn’t feel quite right
MRS. NORDSTROM:
In the not-quite glare
Of the not-quite night,
And it’s ...
Wait! Is that a star?
MR. ERLANSON:
No.
Just the glow of a cigar.
MRS. NORDSTROM:
Oh.
(They exit)
Scene 2
ANOTHER PART OF THE GARDEN
ANNE leads CHARLOTTE on. Both women carry parasols.
ANNE: ... After I spoke to you, I thought: I will go! I won’t! Then I thought: Why not? We’ll go to that awful woman’s house and I’ll say to her: “How dare you try to steal my husband? At your age you should have acquired at least some moral sense.” And then — then in the motorcar coming here, I thought: Oh dear, I’ll never have the courage and maybe it’s all my fault. And oh, I want to go home.
(Bursts into sobs)
CHARLOTTE: Have no fears. Miss Armfeldt has met her match.
ANNE (Astonished, even through tears): She has? Who?
CHARLOTTE: Me. When I told my husband, he instantly became a tiger — his word, of course — and then, as if from heaven, a plan flashed into my mind.
(Pause)
Do you feel up to hearing my plan, dear?
(ANNE gives a little nod)
I shall make love to your husband.
ANNE (Aghast): You too?
CHARLOTTE: Confident of my own charms, I shall throw myself into your husband’s arms. He will succumb. Why not? Carl-Magnus, in a storm of jealousy, will beg my forgiveness and swear eternal fidelity. And as for Miss Desirée Armfeldt, she will be back peddling her dubious commodities elsewhere. At least, that is the plan.
ANNE (Suddenly forgetful of her tears): Oh how amusing. How extremely amusing. Poor old Fredrik. And it serves him right, too.
CHARLOTTE: I am not sure I appreciate that remark, dear.
(FREDRIK appears, walking toward them)
FREDRIK: Ah, here you are, ladies.
CHARLOTTE (Sudden devastating smile at FREDRIK): Oh, Mr. Egerman! If you’ll pardon my saying so, that’s a simply ravishing cravat.
FREDRIK (Slightly bewildered): It is?
CHARLOTTE (Taking FREDRIK’s left arm; ANNE takes his right arm): I can’t remember when I have seen so seductive a cravat.
(As ANNE suppresses giggles, they all walk off together. As ANNE, CHARLOTTE, and FREDRIK exit, MR. LINDQUIST and MRS. SEGSTROM appear)
MR. LINDQUIST:
The atmosphere’s becoming heady,
The ambiance thrilling,
MRS. SEGSTROM:
The spirit unsteady,
The flesh far too willing.
MR. LINDQUIST:
To be perpetually ready
Is far from fulfilling ...
MRS. SEGSTROM:
But wait —
The sun
Is dipping.
MR. LINDQUIST:
Where?
You’re right.
It’s dropping.
Look — !
At last!
It’s slipping.
MRS. SEGSTROM:
Sorry,
My mi
stake,
It’s stopping.
(They exit)
Scene 2A
ANOTHER PART OF THE GARDEN
FREDRIKA enters.
FREDRIKA: Oh, I do agree that life at times can seem complicated.
(HENRIK enters behind her)
HENRIK: Complicated! If only you knew! Oh, Miss ... Miss ...
FREDRIKA: Armfeldt. I am not legitimate.
HENRIK: I see. Oh, Miss Armfeldt, all my life, I’ve made a fiasco of everything. If you knew how poor an opinion I have of myself! If you knew how many times I wish I had been one of the spermatazoa that never reached the womb.
(He breaks from her)
There, there! You see? I’ve done it again!
FREDRIKA: Mr. Egerman, I have toured with mother, you know. I’m broadminded.
HENRIK: You are? Then in that case, might I make a confession to you?
FREDRIKA: Of course.
HENRIK: I hate to burden you on so slight an acquaintance, but bottling it up inside of me is driving me insane.
(Pause. With great effort)
Oh, Miss Armfeldt, for the past eleven months, although I am preparing to enter the Ministry, I —
(He can’t get it out)
FREDRIKA: What, Mr. Egerman?
HENRIK: I have been madly, hopelessly in love with my stepmother. Do you realize how many mortal sins that involves? Oh, damn everything to hell! I beg your pardon.
(They link arms and walk off. MR. LINDQUIST, MRS. SEGSTROM, MR. ERLANSON, MRS. ANDERSSEN and MRS. NORDSTROM enter and sing)
QUINTET:
The light is pink
And the air is still
And the sun is slinking
Behind the hill.
And when finally it sets,
As finally it must,
When finally it lets
The moon and stars adjust,
When finally we greet the dark
And we’re breathing Amen —
MRS. ANDERSSEN:
Surprise of surprises,
It instantly rises
Again.
(The QUINTET exits)
Scene 3
ARMFELDT TERRACE
Both dressed for dinner, FREDRIK and CARL-MAGNUS are discovered; FREDRIK dowmstage, CARL-MAGNUS pacing on the porch. FREDRIK has a cigar and a small liqueur glass; CARL-MAGNUS carries a champagne glass.
FREDRIK (Sings, to himself):
I should never have
Gone to the theatre.
Then I’d never have come
To the country.
If I never had come
To the country,
Matters might have stayed
As they were.
CARL-MAGNUS (Nods): Sir ...
FREDRIK (Nods): Sir ...
(To himself again)
If she’d only been faded,
If she’d only been fat,
If she’d only been jaded
And bursting with chat,
If she’d only been perfectly awful,
It would have been wonderful.
If... if...
If she’d been all a-twitter
Or elusively cold,
If she’d only been bitter,
Or better, looked passably old,
If she’d been covered with glitter
Or even been covered with mold,
It would have been wonderful.
But the woman was perfection,
To my deepest dismay.
Well, not quite perfection,
I’m sorry to say.
If the woman were perfection,
She would go away,
And that would be wonderful.
(To CARL-MAGNUS)
Sir...
CARL-MAGNUS: Sir ...
If she’d only looked flustered
Or admitted the worst,
If she only had blustered
Or simpered or cursed,
If she weren’t so awfully perfect,
It would have been wonderful.
If...
If...
If she’d tried to be clever,
If she’d started to flinch,
If she’d cried or whatever
A woman would do in a pinch,
If I’d been certain she never
Again could be trusted an inch,
It would have been wonderful.
But the woman was perfection,
Not an action denied,
The kind of perfection
I cannot abide.
If the woman were perfection,
She’d have simply lied,
Which would have been wonderful.
FREDRIK:
If she’d only been vicious...
CARL-MAGNUS:
If she’d acted abused ...
FREDRIK:
Or a bit too delicious ...
CARL-MAGNUS:
Or been even slightly confused ...
FREDRIK:
If she had only been sulky ...
CARL-MAGNUS:
Or bristling ...
FREDRIK:
Or bulky ...
CARL-MAGNUS:
Or bruised ...
BOTH:
It would have been wonderful.
CARL-MAGNUS:
If...
BOTH:
If...
FREDRIK:
If she’d only been willful ...
CARL-MAGNUS:
If she only had fled ...
FREDRIK:
Or a little less skillful ...
CARL-MAGNUS:
Insulted, insisting ...
FREDRIK:
In bed...
CARL-MAGNUS:
If she had only been fearful ...
FREDRIK:
Or married...
CARL-MAGNUS:
Or tearful ...
FREDRIK:
Or dead ...
BOTH:
It would have been wonderful.
But the woman was perfection,
And the prospects are grim.
That lovely perfection
That nothing can dim.
Yes, the woman was perfection,
So I’m here with him ...
CARL-MAGNUS: Sir ...
FREDRIK: Sir ...
BOTH:
It would have been wonderful.
(FREDRIKA enters from the house)
FREDRIKA: Excuse me, Count Malcolm, but Mother says she would like a word with you in the green salon.
(CARL-MAGNUS, glaring triumphantly at FREDRIK, strides into the house. FREDRIKA stands and grins shyly at FREDRIK, then follows CARL-MAGNUS into the house. DESIRÉE enters)
DESIRÉE: Fredrik, you wanted a moment alone with me, I believe. Here it is.
FREDRIK (Puzzled): But that child said ...
DESIRÉE: Oh, that was just Fredrika’s little stratagem.
FREDRIK: Fredrika? Your child is called Fredrika?
DESIRÉE: Yes.
FREDRIK: Ah!
DESIRÉE: Really, Fredrik, what vanity. As if you were the only Fredrik in the world.
(Brisk)
Now, what is it you want to tell me?
FREDRIK: As a matter of fact, I thought you should know that my wife has no inkling of the nightshirt episode. So we should be discreet.
DESIRÉE: Dear Fredrik, of course. I wouldn’t dream of giving that enchanting child a moment’s anxiety.
FREDRIK: Then you do see her charm?
DESIRÉE: How could anyone miss it? How lovely to see you, Fredrik.
FREDRIK: In spite of Count Malcolm’s invasion? You’re sure we’re not complicating ...
CARL-MAGNUS (Off): Desirée!
FREDRIK: Oh God! Something tells me I should make myself scarce.
CARL-MAGNUS (Off): Desirée!
FREDRIK: Later, perhaps?
DESIRÉE: Any time.
FREDRIK: In your room?
DESIRÉE: In my room.
(FREDRIK looks around for a place to hide. H
e finds the statue, puts his glass on it, and hides behind it. He douses his cigar in another glass resting on the statue) it. He douses his cigar in another glass resting on the statue)
CARL-MAGNUS (Comes out of the house): Desirée!
DESIRÉE (Calling, excessively sweet): Here, dear!
CARL-MAGNUS: That child said the green salon.
DESIRÉE: She did? How extraordinary.
CARL-MAGNUS: Where’s that goddamn lawyer?
DESIRÉE (Airy): Mr. Egerman? Oh, somewhere about, no doubt.
CARL-MAGNUS: What’s he doing here anyway?
DESIRÉE: He’s visiting my mother, of course. He told you. They’re the most devoted old friends.
CARL-MAGNUS: That had better be the truth. If I catch him so much as touching you, I’ll call him out — with rapiers!
(Glares)
Where is your bedroom? Readily accessible, I trust.
DESIRÉE (Aghast): But, Carl-Magnus!
(FRID enters from the house, crosses downstage)
With your wife here ... !
CARL-MAGNUS: Charlotte is irrelevant. I shall visit your bedroom at the earliest opportunity tonight.
FRID: Madame, Count Malcolm! Dinner is served.
(As he moves past them to pick up FREDRIK ’s glass, he sees FREDRIK behind the statue. Totally unaware of complications )
Dinner is served, Mr. Egerman.
(FRID exits up into the house)
DESIRÉE (Rising to it): Ah, there you are, Mr. Egerman!
(FREDRIK comes out from behind the statue, laughing)
Gentlemen, shall we proceed?
(Gives one arm to each as they start up into the house and freeze in place)