Four by Sondheim

by Stephen Sondheim

  Scene 4

  THE DINING ROOM

  As the dining room table and guests come on, MRS, NORDSTROM, MRS. SEGSTROM and MRS. ANDERSSEN Sing:

  MRS. NORDSTROM:

  Perpetual anticipation is

  Good for the soul MRS. SEGSTROM:

  But it’s bad for the heart. Perpetual antici- Pation is good for

  It’s very good for practicing

  The

  Self-control. Soul, but it’s bad

  It’s very good for For the

  Morals, Heart.

  But bad for morale. It’s very good for

  It’s very bad. Practicing self-

  It can lead to Control. It’s very good for MRS. ANDERSSEN: Per-

  Going quite mad. Morals but bad Petual anticipation is good

  It’s very good for For morale. It’s

  For

  Reserve and Too unnerving. The soul, but

  It’s

  Learning to do It’s very good, Bad for the

  Heart.

  What one should. Though, to have It’s

  It’s very good. Things to contem- Very good,

  Though,

  To learn to

  Perpetual anticipation’s Plate. Wait.

  A delicate art. Perpetual anticipation’s a

  Perpetual

  Anticipation’s

  A

  Playing a role, Delicate art.

  Delicate art.

  Aching to start, Playing a role,

  Playing a role,

  Keeping control Aching to start,

  Aching to start,

  While falling apart, Keeping control

  Keeping control

  Perpetual anticipation is While falling

  Apart, While falling

  Apart,

  Good for the soul Perpetual anticipation is good

  Perpetual

  Anticipation

  Is bad for

  But it’s bad for But it’s bad for

  The heart. The heart. The heart.

  (The dining room table has moved onstage with MADAME ARMFELDT already seated in place, facing the audience in solitary splendor. The table is elaborately dressed with fruit and floral pieces and expensive dinnerware. There are also two large candelabra, one at each end of the table. Parallel to the table and upstage of it, the line of servants has come on: BERTRAND, OSA, PETRA, and FRID. OSA and PETRA stand with trays as FRID and BERTRAND light the candelabra.

  Once the table is in place, FREDRIK and CARL-MAGNUS move up to it with DESIRÉE. FREDRIK pulls out a chair for DESIRÉE and she sits. FREDRIK gets ANNE and seats her. CHARLOTTE enters, CARL-MAGNUS seats her on the extreme right end of the table. He then moves to the extreme left, and sits down next to DESIRÉE. HENRIK sits between DESIRÉE and ANNE, FREDRIK between ANNE and CHARLOTTE. The guests all sit facing upstage. FRID and BERTRAND pour, and MADAME ARMFELDT raises her glass. The others follow her. When the glasses come down, there is a burst of laughter and noise from the guests. FREDRIKA, seated at the piano, “accompanies” the scene)

  DESIRÉE: ... So you won the case after all, Mr. Egerman! How splendid!

  FREDRIK: I was rather proud of myself.

  DESIRÉE: And I’m sure you were tremendously proud of him too, Mrs. Egerman.

  ANNE: I beg your pardon? Oh, I expect so, although I don’t seem to remember much about it.

  (CHARLOTTE extends her glass; BERTRAND fills it)

  FREDRIK: I try not to bore my wife with my dubious victories in the courtroom.

  DESIRÉE: How wise you are. I remember when I was her age, anything less than a new dress, or a ball, or a thrilling piece of gossip bored me to tears.

  FREDRIK: That is the charm of youth.

  CHARLOTTE: Dearest Miss Armfeldt, do regale us with more fascinating reminiscences from your remote youth.

  CARL-MAGNUS : Charlotte, that is an idiotic remark.

  FREDRIK: A man’s youth may be as remote as a dinosaur, Countess, but with a beautiful woman, youth merely accompanies her through the years.

  CHARLOTTE: Oh, Mr. Egerman, that is too enchanting!

  (Leaning over her chair)

  Anne, dear, where on earth did you find this simply adorable husband?

  ANNE (Leans. In on the “plan,” of course, giggling): I’m glad you approve of him.

  CHARLOTTE (To HENRIK): Your father...

  (HENRIK leans)

  is irresistible.

  (CARL-MAGNUS leans)

  I shall monopolize him for the entire weekend.

  (DESIRÉE leans. Then, to ANNE)

  Will you lease him to me, dear?

  ANNE (Giggling): Freely. He’s all yours.

  (FREDRIK looks at ANNE, then at CHARLOTTE, then leans)

  ... unless, of course, our hostess has other plans for him.

  DESIRÉE (Smooth, getting out of her seat): I had thought of seducing him into rolling the croquet lawn tomorrow, but I’m sure he’d find the Countess less exhausting.

  CHARLOTTE (Rising): I wouldn’t guarantee that!

  (Clapping her hand over her mouth)

  Oh, how could those wicked words have passed these lips!

  CARL-MAGNUS (Astonished, rising): Charlotte!

  CHARLOTTE: Oh, Carl-Magnus, dear, don’t say you’re bristling!

  (To FREDRIK, who has also risen. From here the two of them move to the music in a stylized fashion)

  My husband, Mr. Egerman, is a veritable porcupine. At the least provocation he is all spines — or is it quills? Beware. I am leading you down dangerous paths!

  CARL-MAGNUS (Frigid): I apologize for my wife, sir. She is not herself tonight.

  FREDRIK (Both amused and gracious): If she is this charming when she is not herself, sir, I would be fascinated to meet her when she is.

  CHARLOTTE: Bravo, bravo! My champion!

  (HENRIK and ANNE get up from the table and join the stylized dance)

  May tomorrow find us thigh to thigh pushing the garden roller in tandem.

  FREDRIK (Turning it into a joke): That would depend on the width of the rollers.

  (To DESIRÉE)

  Miss Armfeldt, as a stranger in this house, may I ask if your roller...

  CARL-MAGNUS (Instantly picking this up): Stranger, sir? How can you call yourself a stranger in this house?

  FREDRIK (Momentarily bewildered): I beg your pardon?

  CARL-MAGNUS (Triumphantly sure he has found FREDRIK and DESIRÉE out, to MADAME ARMFELDT): I understand from your daughter, Madame, that Mr. Egerman is an old friend of yours and consequently a frequent visitor to this house.

  MADAME ARMFELDT (Vaguely aware of him, peering through a lorgnette): Are you addressing me, sir? Whoever you may be.

  CAR-MAGNUS: I am, Madame.

  MADAME ARMFELDT: Then be so kind as to repeat yourself.

  DESIRÉE (Breaking in): Mother, Count Malcolm —

  MADAME ARMFELDT (Overriding this, ignoring her, to CARL-MAGNUS): Judging from the level of the conversation so far, young man, you can hardly expect me to have been paying attention.

  (CARL-MAGNUS is taken aback)

  CHARLOTTE: Splendid! The thrust direct! I shall commandeer that remark and wreak havoc with it at all my husband’s regimental dinner parties!

  (The guests waltz slowly for a moment. Finally MADAME ARMFELDT tings on a glass with her fork for silence)

  MADAME ARMFELDT (As FRID and BERTRAND serve): Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I am serving you a very special dessert wine. It is from the cellars of the King of the Belgians who — during a period of intense intimacy — presented me with all the bottles then in existence. The secret of its unique quality is unknown, but it is said to possess the power to open the eyes of even the blindest among us ...

  (Raising her glass)

  To Life!

  (The guests all raise their glasses)

  THE GUESTS: To Life!

  MADAME ARMFELDT: And to the only other reality — Death! (Only MADAME ARMFELDT and CHARLOTTE drink. A sudden chilly silence desce
nds on the party as if a huge shadow had passed over it. The guests slowly drift back to the table in silence. At length the silence is broken by a little tipsy giggle from CHARLOTTE)

  CHARLOTTE: Oh I am enjoying myself! What an unusual sensation!

  (Raises her glass to DESIRÉE)

  Dearest Miss Armfeldt, at this awe-inspiring moment — let me drink to you who have made this evening possible. The One and Only Desirée Armfeldt, beloved of hundreds —regardless of course of their matrimonial obligations!

  (Hiccups)

  CARL-MAGNUS: Charlotte, you will go to your room immediately.

  (There is general consternation)

  FREDRIK: Miss Armfeldt, I’m sure the Countess —

  ANNE: Oh dear, oh dear, I am beside myself.

  HENRIK (Suddenly jumping up, shouting, smashing his glass on the table): Stop it! All of you! Stop it!

  (There is instant silence)

  FREDRIK: Henrik!

  HENRIK (Swinging to glare at him): Are you reproving me?

  FREDRIK: I think, if I were you, I would sit down.

  HENRIK: Sit, Henrik. Stand, Henrik. Am I to spend the rest of my life at your command, like a lapdog? Am I to respect a man who can permit such filthy pigs’ talk in front of the purest, the most innocent, the most wonderful ... ? I despise you all!

  ANNE (Giggling nervously): Oh, Henrik! How comical you look!

  DESIRÉE (Smiling, holding out her glass to him): Smash this, too. Smash every glass in the house if you feel like it.

  HENRIK (Bewildered and indignant): And you! You’re an artist! You play Ibsen and — and Racine! Don’t any of the great truths of the artists come through to you at all? Are you no better than the others?

  DESIRÉE: Why don’t you just laugh at us all, my dear? Wouldn’t that be a solution?

  HENRIK: How can I laugh, when life makes me want to vomit?

  (He runs out of the room)

  ANNE: Poor silly Henrik. Someone should go after him.

  (She gets up from the table, starts away)

  FREDRIK (Standing, very authoritative): Anne. Come back.

  (Meekly, ANNE obeys, sitting down again at the table. Total silence. FREDRIK sits. Then, after a beat, a hiccup from CHARLOTTE)

  DESIRÉE: Dear Countess, may I suggest that you try holding your breath — for a very long time?

  (The lights go down on the scene, and the table moves off)

  Scene 5

  ARMFELDT GARDEN

  HENRIK runs on and stands near the bench in despair. FREDRIKA, at the piano, sees him.

  FREDRIKA (Stops playing): Mr. Egerman!

  (HENRIK ignores her)

  Mr. Egerman?

  (HENRIK looks up)

  HENRIK: I have disgraced myself — acting like a madman, breaking an expensive glass, humiliating myself in front of them all.

  FREDRIKA: Poor Mr. Egerman!

  HENRIK (Defending himself in spite of himself): They laughed at me. Even Anne. She said, “Silly Henrik, how comical you look!” Laughter! How I detest it! Your mother — everyone — says, “Laugh at it all.” If all you can do is laugh at the cynicism, the frivolity, the lack of heart — then I’d rather be dead.

  ANNE (Off): Henrik!

  HENRIK: Oh God! There she is!

  (He runs off)

  ANNE (Off): Henrik, dear!

  FREDRIKA (Calls after him): Mr. Egerman! Please don’t do anything rash!

  (ANNE runs on)

  Oh, Mrs. Egerman, I’m so terribly worried.

  ANNE: You poor dear. What about?

  FREDRIKA: About Mr. Egerman —Junior, that is.

  ANNE: Silly Henrik! I was just coming out to scold him.

  FREDRIKA: I am so afraid he may do himself an injury.

  ANNE: How delightful to be talking to someone younger than myself. No doubt he has been denouncing the wickedness of the world — and quoting Martin Luther? Dearest Fredrika, all you were witnessing was the latest crisis in his love affair with God.

  FREDRIKA: Not with God, Mrs. Egerman — with you!

  ANNE (Totally surprised): Me!

  FREDRIKA: You may not have noticed, but he is madly, hopelessly in love with you.

  ANNE: Is that really the truth?

  FREDRIKA: Yes, he told me so himself.

  ANNE (Thrilled, flattered, perhaps more): The poor dear boy! How ridiculous of him — and yet how charming. Dear friend, if you knew how insecure I constantly feel, how complicated the marriage state seems to be. I adore old Fredrik, of course, but ...

  FREDRIKA (Interrupting): But Mrs. Egerman, he ran down towards the lake!

  ANNE (Laughing): To gaze over the ornamental waters! How touching! Let us go and find him.

  (ANNE takes FREDRIKA’s arm and starts walking off with her)

  Such a good looking boy, isn’t he? Such long, long lashes ...

  (They exit giggling, arm-in-arm)

  Scene 5A

  ANOTHER PART OF THE GARDEN

  FRID runs on from behind a screen, followed by a more leisurely PETRA. They have a bottle of wine and a small bundle of food with them.

  PETRA: Who needs a haystack? Anything you’ve got to show, you can show me right here — that is, if you’re in the mood.

  FRID (Taking her into his arms) : When am I not in the mood?

  PETRA (Laughing): I wouldn’t know, would I? I’m just passing through.

  FRID: I’m in the mood.

  (Kiss)

  I’m in it twenty-four hours a day.

  (Kiss. FREDRIKA runs across stage)

  FREDRIKA: Mr. Egerman!

  PETRA: Private here, isn’t it?

  (ANNE runs across stage)

  ANNE: Henrik! Henrik!

  PETRA: What are they up to?

  FRID: Oh, them! What are they ever up to?

  (ANNE runs back across)

  ANNE: Henrik!

  (FREDRIKA runs back across)

  FREDRIKA: Mr. Egerman!

  FRID: You saw them all at dinner, dressed up like waxworks, jabbering away to prove how clever they are. And never knowing what they miss.

  (Kiss)

  ANNE (Off): Henrik!

  FRID: Catch one of them having the sense to grab the first pretty girl that comes along — and do her on the soft grass, with the summer night just smiling down.

  (Kiss)

  Any complaints yet?

  PETRA: Give me time.

  FRID: You’ve a sweet mouth — sweet as honey.

  (The lights dim on them as they lower themselves onto the grass. We now see HENRIK, who has been watching them make love. After an anguished moment, he runs straight up into the house, slamming the doors behind him)

  Scene 6

  DESIRÉE’S BEDROOM

  DESIRÉE sits on the bed, her long skirt drawn up over her knees, expertly sewing up a hem. FREDRIK enters and clears his throat.

  FREDRIK: Your dragoon and his wife are glowering at each other in the green salon, and all the children appear to have vanished, so when I saw you sneaking up the stairs ...

  DESIRÉE: I ripped my hem on the dining room table in all that furore.

  FREDRIK (Hovering): Is this all right?

  DESIRÉE: Of course. Sit down.

  (Patting the bed beside her, on which tumbled stockings are strewn)

  FREDRIK: On the stockings?

  DESIRÉE: I don’t see why not.

  (There is a long pause)

  Well, we’re back at the point where we were so rudely interrupted last week, aren’t we?

  FREDRIK: Not quite. If you’ll remember, we’d progressed a step further.

  DESIRÉE: How true.

  FREDRIK: I imagine neither of us is contemplating a repeat performance.

  DESIRÉE: Good heavens, with your wife in the house, and my lover and his wife and my daughter ...

  FREDRIK: ... and my devoted old friend, your mother.

  (They both laugh)

  DESIRÉE (During it, like a naughty girl): Isn’t my dragoon awful?

  FREDRIK (Laug
hs): When you told me he had the brain of a pea, I think you were being generous.

  (They laugh more uproariously)

  DESIRÉE: What in God’s name are we laughing about? Your son was right at dinner. We don’t fool that boy, not for a moment. The One and Only Desirée Armfeldt, dragging around the country in shoddy tours, carrying on with someone else’s dim-witted husband. And the Great Lawyer Egerman, busy renewing his unrenewable youth.

  FREDRIK: Bravo! Probably that’s an accurate description of us both.

  DESIRÉE: Shall I tell you why I really invited you here? When we met again and we made love, I thought: Maybe here it is at last — a chance to turn back, to find some sort of coherent existence after so many years of muddle.

  (Pause)

  Of course, there’s your wife. But I thought: Perhaps —just perhaps — you might be in need of rescue, too.

  FREDRIK: From renewing my unrenewable youth?

  DESIRÉE (Suddenly tentative): It was only a thought.

  FREDRIK: When my eyes are open and I look at you, I see a woman that I have loved for a long time, who entranced me all over again when I came to her rooms ... who gives me such genuine pleasure that, in spite of myself, I came here for the sheer delight of being with her again. The woman who could rescue me? Of course.

  (Pause)

  But when my eyes are not open — which is most of the time — all I see is a girl in a pink dress teasing a canary, running through a sunlit garden to hug me at the gate, as if I’d come home from Timbuktu instead of the Municipal Courthouse three blocks away ...

  DESIRÉE (Sings):

  Isn’t it rich?

  Are we a pair?

  Me here at last on the ground,

  You in mid-air.

  Send in the clowns.

  Isn’t it bliss?

  Don’t you approve?

  One who keeps tearing around,

  One who can’t move.

  Where are the clowns?

  Send in the clowns.