Four by Sondheim

by Stephen Sondheim

  ANTHONY: And the young lady who resides there?

  BEGGAR WOMAN: Ah, her! That’s Johanna, his pretty little ward.

  (Slyly confidential)

  But don’t you go trespassing there, young man. Not if you value your hide.

  (She nods her head)

  Tamper there and it’s a good whipping for you — or any other youth with mischief on his mind.

  (Leers at him, sings)

  Hey! Hoy! Sailor boy!

  Want it snugly harbored?

  Open me gate, but dock it straight,

  I see it lists to starboard.

  (She grabs at his crotch and starts to dance around him grotesquely, lifting her skirts. ANTHONY is appalled. He pulls coins out of his pocket and tosses them to her)

  ANTHONY: Here and here and here. Take it and off with you. Off!

  (The BEGGAR WOMAN, cackling, collects the coins and scampers off. ANTHONY turns back to the house, gazes up at the window. The noise has frightened the birds, who start screeching. ANTHONY becomes aware of them and moves over to the now sleeping BIRD SELLER, shakes him awake, and inspects the cages. Music continues under)

  Which one sings the sweetest?

  BIRD SELLER: All’s the same, sir. Six pence and cheap at the price.

  (ANTHONY selects one, gives the man a coin, holds up the cage)

  ANTHONY: He sings bravely.

  (Watches the cage)

  But why does he batter his wings so wildly against the bars?

  BIRD SELLER: We blind ‘em, sir. That’s what we always does. Blind ’em and, not knowing night from day, they sing and sing without stopping, pretty creatures.

  (He gets up, slinging the cages on his back, and starts off)

  Have pleasure of the bird, sir.

  (He exits. JOHANNA reappears at the window. ANTHONY holds up the cage, indicating it is a present and she should come down to get it. She hesitates, smiles, nods, disappears from the window. He waits. Shyly, almost furtively, JOHANNA slips out of the door and stands there. He moves toward her, holding out the cage. Slowly her hand goes out toward him. Their fingers touch)

  ANTHONY (Sings softly):

  I feel you,

  Johanna,

  I feel you.

  I was half convinced I’d waken,

  Satisfied enough to dream you.

  Happily I was mistaken,

  Johanna!

  I’ll steal you,

  Johanna,

  I’ll steal you . . .

  (They stand so absorbed with each other that they do not notice the approach of JUDGE TURPIN, followed by the BEADLE)

  JUDGE (Shouting): Johanna! Johanna!

  JOHANNA: Oh dear!

  (Forgetting the bird cage, JOHANNA scurries toward the house. ANTHONY turns to find the JUDGE glaring at him)

  JUDGE: If I see your face again on this or any other neighbor street, you’ll rue the day you were born. Is that plain enough speaking for you?

  ANTHONY: But, sir, I swear to you there was nothing in my heart but the most respectful sentiments of—

  JUDGE (To BEADLE): Dispose of him!

  (He strides toward the house)

  JOHANNA: Oh dear! I knew!

  BEADLE (Fondling the truncheon, to ANTHONY): You heard His Worship.

  ANTHONY: But, friend, I have no fight with you.

  (The BEADLE takes the cage from him, opens its door, takes out the bird, wrings its neck and then tosses it away)

  BEADLE: Get the gist of it, friend? Next time it’ll be your neck!

  (He starts after the JUDGE and JOHANNA)

  JUDGE: Johanna, if I were to think you encouraged that young rogue . . .

  JOHANNA: Oh father, I hope always to be obedient to your commands.

  JUDGE (Relenting, patting her cheek): Dear child.

  (Gazing at her lustfully)

  How sweet you look in that light muslin gown.

  (She runs into the house, the JUDGE after her. The BEADLE follows. ANTHONY is left alone, the empty cage in his hand)

  ANTHONY (Sings):

  I’ll steal you,

  Johanna,

  I’ll steal you!

  Do they think that walls can hide you?

  Even now I’m at your window.

  I am in the dark beside you,

  Buried sweetly in your yellow hair.

  I feel you,

  Johanna,

  And one day

  I’ll steal you.

  Till I’m with you then,

  I’m with you there,

  Sweetly buried in your yellow hair . . .

  (He smashes the cage, throws it away and exits as lights fade)

  (Lights come up to reveal St. Dunstan’s Marketplace. A hand-drawn caravan, painted like a Sicilian donkey cart, stands on the street. On its side is written in ornate script: “Signor Adolfo Pirelli — Haircutter-Barber-Toothpuller to His Royal Majesty the King of Naples, ” and under this: “Banish Baldness with Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir.” TODD and MRS. LOVETT enter. TODD is carrying his razor case. MRS. LOVETT has a shopping basket)

  TODD (Pointing at the caravan): That’s him? Over there?

  MRS. LOVETT: Yes, dear. He’s always here Thursdays.

  TODD (Reading the sign): Haircutter, barber, toothpuller to His Royal Majesty the King of Naples.

  MRS. LOVETT: Eyetalian. All the rage, he is.

  TODD: Not for long.

  MRS. LOVETT: Oh Mr. T., you really think you can do it?

  TODD: By tomorrow they’ll all be flocking after me like sheep to be shorn.

  MRS. LOVETT (Sees BEADLE): Oh no! Look. The Beadle —Beadle Bamford.

  TODD: So much the better.

  MRS. LOVETT: But what if he recognizes you? Hadn’t we better — ?

  TODD: I will do what I have set out to do, woman.

  MRS. LOVETT: Oops. Sorry, dear, I’m sure.

  (TOBIAS, PIRELLI’s adolescent, simple-minded assistant, appears through a curtain at the rear of the caravan, beating on a tin drum. A factory whistle blows and a crowd of people comes running on, gathering around him)

  TOBIAS (Sings):

  Ladies and gentlemen!

  May I have your attention, perlease?

  Do you wake every morning in shame and despair

  To discover your pillow is covered with hair

  Wot ought not to be there?

  Well, ladies and gentlemen,

  From now on you can waken at ease.

  You need never again have a worry or care,

  I will show you a miracle marvelous rare.

  Gentlemen, you are about to see something wot rose

  from the dead!

  (A woman gasps — he smiles and wiggles his finger no)

  On the top of my head.

  Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen,

  I was struck with a ’orrible

  Dermatologic disease.

  Though the finest physicians in London were called,

  I awakened one morning amazed and appalled

  To discover with dread that my head was as bald

  As a novice’s knees.

  I was dying of shame

  Till a gentleman came,

  An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name.

  He give me a liquid as precious as gold,

  I rubbed it in daily like wot I was told,

  And behold!

  (Doffs his cap dramatically, revealing mountains of hair which cascade to his shoulders)

  Only thirty days old!

  ’Twas Pirelli’s

  Miracle Elixir,

  That’s wot did the trick, sir,

  True, sir, true.

  Was it quick, sir?

  Did it in a tick, sir,

  Just like an elixir

  Ought to do!

  (To 1ST MAN)

  How about a bottle, mister?

  Only costs a penny, guaranteed.

  (Crowd, overlapping)

  1ST MAN:

  Penny buys a bottle, I don’t know . . .

  2ND MAN:
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  You don’t need —

  1ST MAN:

  Ah, let’s go!

  (Starts to leave)

  TOBIAS (To 3RD MAN):

  Go ahead and tug, sir.

  3RD MAN:

  Penny for a bottle, is it?

  TOBIAS:

  Go ahead, sir, harder . . .

  TOBIAS (Stopping the 1ST MAN, who’s quite bald, by pouring a drop on his head):

  Does Pirelli’s

  Stimulate the growth, sir?

  You can have my oath, sir,

  ’Tis unique.

  (Takes the man’s hand and gently applies it to the wet spot)

  Rub a minute.

  Stimulatin’, i’n’ it?

  Soon you’ll have to thin it

  Once a week!

  Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed!

  (Crowd, overlapping)

  1ST MAN (To 2ND MAN):

  Penny buys a bottle, might as well . . .

  (Looks hesitantly to 2ND MAN)

  3RD MAN:

  Wotcher think?

  2ND WOMAN:

  Go ahead and try it, wot the hell . . .

  TOBIAS (To others):

  How about a sample? Have you ever smelled a cleaner smell?

  1ST WOMAN (To 3RD MAN):

  Isn’t it a crime they let these urchins clog the pavement?

  4TH MAN:

  Penny buys a bottle, does it?

  TOBIAS (To 2ND MAN):

  That’s enough, sir, ample.

  TOBIAS:

  Gently dab it.

  Gets to be a habit.

  Soon there’ll be enough, sir,

  Somebody can grab it.

  (Points to a man standing nearby)

  See that chap with

  Hair like Shelley’s?

  You can tell ’e’s

  Used Pirelli’s!

  (Crowd, overlapping)

  1ST MAN:

  Let me have a bottle.

  2ND MAN:

  Make that two.

  (1ST MAN buys bottles for both, gets change)

  3RD WOMAN:

  Come to think of it, I could get some for Harry . . .

  4TH WOMAN:

  Nothing works on Harry, dear. Bye bye.

  TOBIAS:

  Go ahead and feel, mum.

  Absolutely real, mum . . .

  2ND MAN (To 1ST MAN):

  How about a beer?

  1ST MAN:

  You know a pub?

  2ND MAN:

  There’s one close by.

  1ST WOMAN (To 2ND WOMAN):

  You got all the hair you need now.

  3RD MAN:

  That’s no lie.

  4TH MAN:

  Pass it by.

  2ND WOMAN:

  I’m just passing by.

  TODD (Loudly to MRS. LOVETT):

  Pardon me, ma’am, what’s that awful stench?

  MRS. LOVETT:

  Are we standing in an open trench?

  TODD:

  Must be standing near an open trench!

  TOBIAS (Distracting the crowd’s attention):

  Buy Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir:

  Anything wot’s slick, sir,

  Soon sprouts curls.

  Try Pirelli’s!

  When they see how thick, sir,

  You can have your pick, sir,

  Of the girls!

  (To 4TH WOMAN)

  Want to buy a bottle, missus?

  (Crowd, overlapping)

  TODD (Sniffing 1ST MAN’s bottle):

  What is this?

  MRS. LOVETT (Examining 3RD MAN’s bottle):

  What is this?

  1ST MAN:

  Propogates the hair, sir.

  4TH MAN:

  I’ll take one!

  TODD (Hands bottle back distastefully):

  Smells like piss.

  MRS. LOVETT:

  Smells like — phew!

  2ND MAN:

  He says it smells like piss.

  TODD:

  Looks like piss.

  MRS. LOVETT:

  Wouldn’t touch it if I was you, dear!

  2ND MAN (To 3RD MAN):

  Wotcher think?

  TODD (Nods):

  This is piss. Piss with ink.

  5TH MAN and WOMEN:

  Says it smells like piss or something.

  TOBIAS:

  Penny for a bottle . . .

  Have you ever smelled a cleaner smell?

  How about a sample? ...

  How about a sample, mister? ...

  1ST WOMAN:

  Give us back our money!

  2ND WOMAN:

  Give us back our money!

  1ST WOMAN:

  Did you ever — ?

  Give us back our money!

  3RD WOMAN:

  Glad I didn’t buy one, I can tell you!

  4TH WOMAN (To TOBIAS):

  If you think that piss can fool a lady, you’re mistaken!

  MRS. LOVETT:

  Give ‘em back their money!

  Did you ever — ?

  Give ’em back their money!

  3RD WOMAN:

  Give ‘em back their money, I say!

  Give ’em back their money!

  TOBIAS (Trying to calm them, gesturing to TODD):

  Never mind that madman, mister . . .

  Never mind the madman . . .

  TODD and MRS. LOVETT:

  Where is this Pirelli?

  CROWD:

  Where is this Pirelli?

  (Variously, overlapping)

  What about my money, laddie?

  Yes, what about the money?

  Hand it back!

  We don’t want no piss, boy!

  Give it here . . .

  TOBIAS (Desperately, beating the drum out of rhythm):

  Let Pirelli’s

  Activate your roots, sir —

  TODD:

  Keep it off your boots, sir —

  Eats right through.

  CROWD:

  Go and get Pirelli!

  TOBIAS:

  Yes, get Pirelli’s!

  Use a bottle of it!

  Ladies seem to love it —

  MRS. LOVETT:

  Flies do, too!

  (Crowd laughs uproariously)

  CROWD:

  Hand the bloody money over!

  Hand the bloody money over!

  TOBIAS (Frenetically fast, looking desperately toward the curtain):

  See Pirelli’s

  Miracle Elixir

  Grow a little wick, sir,

  Then some fuzz.

  The Pirelli’s

  Soon’ll make it thick, sir,

  Like a good elixir

  Always does!

  Trust Pirelli’s!

  If your hair is sick, sir,

  Fix it in the nick, sir,

  Don’t look grim.

  Just Pirelli’s

  Miracle Elixir,

  That’ll do the trick, sir —

  1ST MAN:

  What about the money?

  TOBIAS:

  If you’ve got a kick, sir —

  CROWD (Individuals, building to a shout):

  What about the money?

  Where is this Pirelli?

  Go and get Pirelli!

  What about our money?

  TOBIAS:

  Tell it to the mixer

  Of the Miracle Elixir —

  If you’ve got a kick, sir — !

  (Desperately yanks the curtain aside, revealing PIRELLI, an excessively flamboyant Italian with a glittering suit, thick wavy hair and a dazzling smile — the crowd falls silent, stunned. TOBIAS collapses, exhausted)

  Talk to him!

  PIRELLI (Bows and poses splendidly for a moment, in one hand an ornate razor, in the other a sinister-looking tooth-extractor; sings): I am Adolfo Pirelli,

  Da king of da barbers, da barber of kings,

  E buon giorno, good day,

  I blow you a kiss!

  (He does)


  And I, da so-famous Pirelli,

  I wish-a to know-a

  Who has-a da nerve-a to say

  My elixir is piss!

  Who says this?

  TODD: I do.

  (He holds up the bottle of elixir)

  I am Mr. Sweeney Todd and I have opened a bottle of Pirelli’s Elixir, and I say to you it is nothing but an arrant fraud, concocted from piss and ink.

  (MRS. LOVETT takes the bottle from TODD, sniffs it)

  MRS. LOVETT: He’s right. Phew! Better to throw your money down the sewer.

  (She tosses the bottle to the ground. The onlookers “ooh” and “aah” with shocked excitement)

  TOBIAS (Beating agitatedly on the drum, shouting): Ladies and gentlemen, pay no attention to that madman. Who’s to be the first for a magnificent shave?

  TODD (Breaking in): And furthermore . . .

  (Glaring at PIRELLI)

  I have serviced no kings, yet I wager that I can shave a cheek and pull a tooth with ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank!

  (He holds up his razor case for the crowd to see)

  You see these razors?

  MRS. LOVETT: The finest in England.

  TODD (To PIRELLI): I lay them against five pounds you are no match for me. You hear me, sir? Either accept my challenge or reveal yourself as a sham.