Four by Sondheim
Page 28
MRS. LOVETT: Bravo, bravo.
(The crowd laughs and cheers, obviously on TODD’s side. PIRELLI, as imposing as ever, holds up a hand for silence. Slowly he swaggers toward TODD, takes the razor case, opens it and examines the razors carefully)
PIRELLI (He speaks with a fairly obvious put-on foreign accent, barely concealing an Irish underlay): Zees are indeed fine razors. Instruments like zees once seen cannot be soon forgotten.
(Takes out a tooth-extractor)
And a fine extractor, too! You wager zees against five pounds, sir?
TODD: I do.
PIRELLI (Addressing the crowd): You hear zis foolish man?
Watch and see how he will regret his folly. Five pounds it is!
(Music starts)
TODD (Surveying the crowd): Friends, neighbors, who’s for a free shave?
1ST MAN (Stepping forward eagerly): Me, Mr. Todd, sir.
2ND MAN (Stepping forward eagerly, too): And me, Mr. Todd, sir.
TODD: Over here. Bring me a chair.
PIRELLI (To TOBIAS): Boy, bring ze basins, bring ze towels!
TOBIAS: Yes, sir . . .
PIRELLI: Quick!
(He kicks TOBIAS. The boy hurries off into the caravan)
TODD: Will Beadle Bamford be the judge?
BEADLE: Glad, as always, to oblige my friends and neighbors.
(As another man comes on with a wooden chair and TOBIAS emerges from the caravan with basins, towels, etc., the BEADLE instantly takes over. To man, indicating where to set the chair)
Put it there.
(1ST MAN sits on TODD’s chair. The 2ND MAN is ensconced on PIRELLI’s chair. PIRELLI shakes out a fancy bib with a flourish and covers his man. TODD takes a towel and tucks it around his man’s neck)
Ready?
PIRELLI: Ready!
TODD: Ready!
BEADLE: The fastest, smoothest shave is the winner.
(He blows his whistle. The music becomes agitated. The contest begins. PIRELLI strops his razor quickly, TODD in a leisurely manner. PIRELLI keeps glancing at TODD in various paranoid ways throughout, frightened of TODD’s progress. He starts whipping up lather rapidly)
PIRELLI (Sings to crowd while mixing, furiously):
Now, signorini, signori,
We mix-a da lather
But first-a you gather
Around, signor-
Ini, signori,
You looking a man
Who have had-a da glory
To shave-a da Pope!
Mr. Sweeney-so-smart —
(Sarcastic bow to TODD)
Oh, I beg-a you pardon — ’ll
Call me a lie, was-a only a cardinal —
Nope!
It was-a da Pope!
(Looks over shoulder, sees TODD still stropping slowly, gains confidence, starts to lather his man’s face)
Perhaps, signorini, signori,
You like-a I tell-a
Da famous-a story
Of Queen Isabella,
Da Queen of-a Polan’
Whose toot’ was-a swollen,
I pull it so nice from her mout’
That-a though to begin
She’s-a screaming-a murder,
She’s later-a swoon-a wid
Bliss an’ was heard-a
To shout:
“Pull all of ’em out!”
(Unexpectedly, TODD still shows no sign of starting to shave his man. He merely watches PIRELLI’s performance. PIRELLI, now feeling that he can take his time, sings lyrically as he shaves with rhythmic scrapes and elaborate gestures of wiping the razor)
To shave-a da face,
To pull-a da toot’,
Require da grace
And not-a da brute,
For if-a you slip,
You nick da skin,
You clip-a da chin,
You rip-a da lip a bit
And dat’s-a da trut’!
(TODD strops his razor slowly and deliberately, disconcerting PIRELLI and drawing the crowd’s attention)
To shave-a da face
Or even a part
Widout it-a smart
Require da heart.
It take-a da art —
I show you a chart —
(Pulls down an elaborate chart with many anatomical views of the face and closeups of follicles, etc.)
I study-a starting in my yout’!
(TODD starts slowly mixing his lather)
To cut-a da hair,
To trim-a da beard,
To make-a da bristle
Clean like a whistle,
Dis is from early infancy
Da talent give to me
By God!
It take-a da skill,
It take-a da brains,
It take-a da will
To take-a da pains,
It take-a da pace,
It take-a da grace —
(While PIRELLI holds this note elaborately, TODD, with a few deft strokes, quickly lathers his man’s face, shaves him and signals the BEADLE to examine the job)
BEADLE (Blowing whistle):
The winner is Todd.
MRS. LOVETT (Feeling the customer’s cheek): Smooth as a baby’s arse!
(The crowd “oohs” and “ahhs”)
TODD (Looks around): And now, who’s for a tooth pulling —free without charge!
MAN WITH HEAD TIED UP IN RAG: Me, sir. Me, sir.
(He runs to the chair vacated by the shaved man)
TODD (Looking around): Who else?
(There is silence from the crowd)
No one?
(Turning to the BEADLE)
Then, sir, since there is no means to test the second skill, I claim the five pounds!
MRS. LOVETT: To which he is entitled!
(To crowd)
Right?
(The crowd applauds)
PIRELLI: Wait! One moment. Wait!
(He turns to TOBIAS)
You, boy. Get on that chair.
TOBIAS (In terror): Me, signor? Oh, not a tooth, sir, I beg of you! I ain’t got a twinge — not the tiniest pain. I —
PIRELLI (Giving him a stinging blow on the cheek): You do now!
(Forces him into the chair. Turning to the crowd)
We see who is zee victor now. Zis Mister Todd — or zee great Pirelli!
BEADLE: Ready?
PIRELLI: Ready!
TODD: Ready!
(The BEADLE blows his whistle. While TODD, even more nonchalant than before, merely stands by his patient, PIRELLI forces open the mouth of TOBIAS, brandishing his extractor. He peers in, selects a tooth, thrusts the extractor into the mouth and starts to tug while singing with pretended ease. During the song, TOBIAS starts moaning, then screaming — musically)
PIRELLI (Sings):
To pull-a da toot’
Widout-a da skill
Can damage da root —
(As TOBIAS squirms)
Now hold-a da still!
An’ if-a you slip
You grip a bit,
You hit da pit of it
Or chip-a da tip
And have-a to fill!
To pull-a da toot’
Widout-a da grace,
You leave-a da space
All over da place.
You try to erase
Widout-a da trace . . .
(Glaring archly at TODD)
Sometimes is da case
You even-a kill.
(TODD still watches; PIRELLI is having trouble, TOBIAS’s wails are becoming louder)
To hold-a da clamp
Widout-a da cramp,
Wid all dat saliva,
It could-a drive-a
You crazy — !
(To TOBIAS, who is groaning)
Don’ mutter,
Or back-a you go to da gutter —
(To the crowd, forcing a smile)
My touch is as light as a butter-a
Cup!
I take-a da pains,
I learn-a da art,
I use-a da brains,
I give-a da heart,
I have-a da grace,
I win-a da race — !
(While again PIRELLI holds the note, TODD stands watching. Then in one swift move, he tugs the rag off his patient’s head, neatly opens the mouth, looks in, and with a single deft motion of the extractor, gives a tiny tug and, turning to the crowd, holds up the extracted tooth. The BEADLE blows his whistle. The crowd roars its approval. PIRELLI, cut off again in the middle of his high note, sees that TODD has extracted his customer’s tooth, and droops)
I give-a da up.
MAN (Jumping up from chair): Not a twinge of pain! Not a twinge!
MRS. LOVETT: The man’s a bloody marvel!
BEADLE (Beaming at TODD): The two-time winner — Mr. Sweeney Todd!
(PIRELLI leaves the tooth unpulled in TOBIAS’s mouth and, still retaining his imposing dignity, moves over to TODD)
PIRELLI (With profound bow): Sir, I bow to a skill far defter than my own.
TODD: The five pounds.
PIRELLI (Produces a rather flamboyant purse, and from it takes five pounds): Here, sir. And may the good Lord smile on you —
(With a sinister smile)
— until we meet again. Come, boy.
(Bows to crowd)
Signori! Bellissime signorini! Buon giorno! Buon giorno a tutti!
(Kicking TOBIAS ahead of him, he returns to the caravan which TOBIAS, like a horse, pulls off)
MRS. LOVETT (To TODD): Who’d have thought it, dear! You pulled it off!
(The crowd clusters around TODD)
MAN WITH CAP: Oh, sir, Mr. Todd, sir, do you have an establishment of your own?
MRS. LOVETT: He certainly does. Sweeney Todd’s Tonsorial
Parlor — above my meat pieshop on Fleet Street.
(The BEADLE strolls somewhat menacingly over to them)
BEADLE: Mr. Todd . . . Strange, sir, but it seems your face is known to me.
MRS. LOVETT (Concealing agitation): Him? That’s a laugh —him being my uncle’s cousin and arrived from Birmingham yesterday.
TODD (Very smooth): But already, sir, I have heard Beadle Bamford spoken of with great respect.
BEADLE (Whatever dim suspicions he may have had allayed by the flattery): Well, sir, I try my best for my neighbors.
(To MRS. LOVETT)
Fleet Street? Over your pieshop, ma’am?
MRS. LOVETT: That’s it, sir.
BEADLE: Then, Mr. Todd, you will surely see me there before the week is out.
TODD (Expressionless): You will be welcome, Beadle Bamford, and I guarantee to give you, without a penny’s charge, the closest shave you will ever know.
(MRS. LOVETT takes TODD’s arm and starts with him offstage as the scene blacks out. The factory whistle. In limbo, the BEGGAR WOMAN appears with other members of the company. They sing)
MEMBERS OF THE COMPANY:
Sweeney pondered and Sweeney planned.
Like a perfect machine ’e planned,
Barbing the hook, baiting the trap,
Setting it out for the Beadle to snap.
Slyly courted ‘im, Sweeney did,
Set a sort of a scene, ’e did.
Laying the trail, showing the traces,
Letting it lead to higher places . . .
Sweeney . . .
(The lights shift to a room in JUDGE TURPIN’s house. The JUDGE is in his judicial clothes, a Bible in his hand. In the adjoining room, JOHANNA sits sewing)
JUDGE (Sings):
Mea culpa, mea culpa,
Mea maxima culpa,
Mea maxima maxima culpa!
God deliver me! Release me!
Forgive me! Restrain me! Pervade me!
(He peers through the keyhole of the door to JOHANNA’s room)
Johanna, Johanna,
So suddenly a woman,
The light behind your window —
It penetrates your gown . . .
Johanna, Johanna,
The sun — I see the sun through your —
(Ashamed, he stops peering)
No!
God!
Deliver me!
(Sinks to his knees)
Deliver me!
(Starts tearing off his robes)
Down!
Down.
Down...
(Now naked to the waist, he picks up a scourge from the table)
Johanna, Johanna,
I watch you from the shadows.
You sigh before your window
And gaze upon the town . . .
Your lips part, Johanna,
So young and soft and beautiful —
(Whips himself)
God!
(Again and again, as he continues)
Deliver me!
Filth
Leave me!
Johanna!
Johanna!
I treasured you in innocence
And loved you like a daughter.
You mock me, Johanna,
You tempt me with your innocence,
You tempt me with those quivering —
(Whips himself)
No!
(Again and again)
God!
Deliver me!
It will —
Stop —
Now! It will —
Stop —
Right —
Now.
Right —
Now.
Right —
Now...
(Calm again, having kneed his way over to the door, he peers through the keyhole)
Johanna, Johanna,
I cannot keep you longer.
The world is at your window,
You want to fly away.
You stir me, Johanna,
So suddenly a woman,
I cannot watch you one more day — !
(Again whips himself into a frenzy)
God!
Deliver me!
God!
Deliver me!
God!
Deliver —
(Climaxes)
God!!
(Panting, he relaxes; when he is in control again, he starts to dress)
Johanna, Johanna,
I’ll keep you here forever,
I’ll wed you on the morrow.
Johanna, Johanna,
The world will never touch you,
I’ll wed you on the morrow!
As years pass, Johanna,
You’ll tend me in my solitude,
No longer as a daughter,
As a woman.
(He is fully dressed again)
Johanna, Johanna,
I’ll hold you here forever then,
You’ll keep away from windows and
You’ll
Deliver me,
Johanna,
From this
Hot
Red
Devil
With your
Soft
White
Cool
Virgin
Palms...
(Magisterial again, picking up the Bible, he produces a key and opens the door, the key forgotten, still in the lock. JOHANNA jumps up)
JOHANNA: Father!
JUDGE: Johanna, I trust you’ve not been near the window again.
JOHANNA (During this speech her eyes fall on the key in the lock):
Hardly, dear father, when it has been shuttered and barred these last three days.
JUDGE: How right I was to insist on such a precaution, for once again he has come, that conscienceless young sailor. Ten times has he been driven from my door and yet ...
(Breaks off, gazing at her, smitten with lust)
How sweet you look in that light muslin gown.
JOHANNA: ’Tis nothing but an old dress, father.
JUDGE: But fairer on your young form than wings on an angel ... oh, if I were to think ...
JOHANNA (Demurely, moving to the door): Think what, dear father?
JUDGE: If I we
re to think you encouraged this young rogue ...
JOHANNA (During this speech, she slips the key from the lock, hides it in her dress): I? A maid trained from the cradle to find in modesty and obedience the greatest of all virtues? Dear father, when have you ceased to warn me of the wickedness of men?
JUDGE: Venal young men of the street with only one thought in their heads. But there are men of different and far higher breed. I have one in mind for you.
JOHANNA: You have?
JUDGE: A gentle man, who would shield you from all earthly cares and guide your faltering steps to the sober warmth of womanhood — a husband — a protector — and yet an ardent lover too. It is a man who through all the years has surely earned your affection.
(Drops to his knees)
JOHANNA (Staggered): You?!!!
(The scene blacks out)
(Light comes up on MRS. LOVETT’S pieshop and the apartment above, which now is sparsely furnished with a wash-stand and a long wooden chest. At the foot of the outside staircase is a brand-new barber’s pole. Attached to the first banister of the staircase is an iron bell. TODD is pacing in the apartment above. MRS. LOVETT comes hurrying out of the shop, carrying a wooden chair. As she does so, the BEGGAR WOMAN shuffles up to her)
BEGGAR WOMAN (Sings):
Alms ... alms ...
MRS. LOVETT (Imitating her nastily, sings):
Alms ... alms ...
(Music continues)
How many times have I told you? I’ll not have trash from the gutter hanging around my establishment!
BEGGAR WOMAN: Not just a penny, dear? Or a pie? One of them pies that give the stomach cramps to half the neighborhood?
(A cackling laugh)
Come on, dear. Have a heart, dear.