Crashing Souls

by Cynthia A. Rodriguez

  I thought about that as she let me go and pulled my phone from my pocket.

  Busy?

  I sent the text to Noa and tapped my fingers against the screen as I waited for her to respond.

  For you, I am free.

  I smiled and grabbed my keys from the counter. The night was clear as I backed out of my driveway.

  A half hour later, I was handing my keys to Noa and letting her drive. She grinned wickedly, and I saw a flash of the girl I first met. The girl Noa was always meant to be. Carefree and rebellious. Beautiful and barefoot. Sure enough, she slipped off her flip flops, her long golden legs stretching as she adjusted the seat and rolled the windows down. We flew down the road, and while the speed made me sweat a little, her joy was worth every moment.

  That night we kissed like we always did. With the stars watching.

  •••

  It’s easy to offer the world. It’s even easier to plan for the future. The hard parts are the detours—the unplanned bumps and flat tires.

  My alarm went off moments after I heard the words. What did he mean? The Grim Reaper seemed more and more like a creepy big brother. He watched my every move, giving me vague advice.

  I brushed my teeth and gathered my bag before calling Noa. She picked up on the second ring.

  “Just making sure you aren’t sleeping still,” I said.

  “I don’t think I’ve slept at all. Maybe five minutes. I’m too excited.” I could hear shuffling in the background. “Is Tracey up?”

  I told her to hold on while I walked downstairs with my things. Sure enough, Tracey was on what looked like her second cup of coffee, dressed with a third cup in a travel mug and a bag at her feet.

  “Tell Noa I said good morning. And don’t forget her bathing suit.” She gathered her bag and mug. “I’ll take this to the car. Let her know we’ll be there soon,” she shouted into the phone as she walked past me.

  I heard Noa’s laugh.

  “I’ll see you soon, Dexter Andrews.” I grabbed my bag and walked outside, turning to lock the front door before heading to Tracey’s car. We’d pick up Noa first and then Ralph. Thank goodness her car was a lot bigger than mine.

  “Why the soccer mom car?” I asked after stuffing our bags in the back and getting in the passenger side.

  “Hey, once I found out I was getting you, I decided it was all or nothing. And maybe someday I’ll have a few kids. Who knows?” She tried to be nonchalant, but I saw past it.

  “Are you lonely, Aunt Tracey?” She pulled out of the driveway, and we headed to Noa’s.

  “Aren’t we all lonely? Don’t worry about me, Dex. I’m patient.” When she pulled up in front of Noa’s building, she turned to me. “I can’t settle. Not after seeing what my brother had. And certainly not after seeing you two lovebirds.”

  I smiled and sent Noa a text, telling her we were downstairs. Just as I hit the send button, she flung the door open and jogged down the steps. When I opened the car door to help her with her bag, she jumped into my arms and kissed me. It was innocent at first and when I pulled away, fully aware of my aunt’s presence, I was a little breathless.

  “I’m one lucky girl,” she said, grinning.

  “I might be a luckier guy.” I set her down and placed her bag near mine. She climbed into the back and I followed her. “Next is Ralph, and then we’re on our way out.”

  Ralph lived only a few minutes from Noa, and when we picked him up, he hopped in the front seat with almost as much excitement as Noa.

  “Let’s do this!” He grabbed the iPod Noa held out to him, plugged it in and turned it all the way up, singing along off-key. We rolled the windows down some, and Noa lay across my lap, singing along softly as I ran my fingers through her hair. The lake house was a few hours away, according to Tracey. Halfway through the ride, Noa and Ralph were sleeping and the music had been turned down. I watched the tree line as we drove along. When Noa stirred, I looked down, watching as she opened her eyes. That moment when she realized it was me she was looking at, it was the best. Like I was the only thing that mattered; the only thing that brought her happiness.

  “How much longer?” she asked.

  “I think another hour or so. Do you need to use the bathroom?”

  Tracey heard and pulled off to a rest stop, despite Noa insisting she was fine. When Tracey got out to stretch, Noa grabbed her iPod and grinned mischievously. Ralph was still asleep in the front seat.

  “What are you thinking?” I whispered, waving Tracey over.

  “Oh, nothing. Just a little dance party.” She whispered instructions to us and turned to the radio, turning the volume all the way up and pressing play. Ralph shot up, his eyes bugging out while we danced around the car, laughing at him. Other people in the rest area started dancing too, their kids running up to the car. By the time Ralph got out, nearly everyone was dancing. Noa had her arms in the air, moving along with the music, singing the words. When the chorus came, she jumped up and down, arms still in the air. Ralph picked her up and swung her around.

  “You’re lucky I love you like a sister, you little shit,” he yelled as he hugged her. When Tracey smacked his arm for cursing, he hugged her too.

  The song ended and we all got back in the car and hit the road, Ralph alert and playing DJ again.

  Forty-five minutes later, we were pulling onto a winding driveway, and at the end stood an impressive home, bigger than the one I lived in.

  “No way,” I said, my eyes huge.

  “My thoughts exactly,” Noa whispered beside me.

  “Best place on Earth.” Ralph turned to us, smiling broadly. “It’s been a while, but I still remember that awesome hot tub.”

  Noa and I exchanged looks. A hot tub?

  “I thought my parents owned a store. How is this possible?” I asked Tracey.

  “Your parents met in law school. They became successful lawyers but when they had you, your mom stayed home with you. After a while, your dad decided practicing law was taking too much time away from his family. He’d always been good about money. Had plenty of it invested and saved. So he bought the house, bought the store, and you guys lived happily ever after.”

  Except they’re dead, I thought to myself. I was sure everyone was thinking along the same lines because it was quiet as we parked the car. Even after we grabbed our bags, heading up the steps, we were quiet. When Tracey opened the door and we set our things down in the entranceway, I took a look at the house. There were pictures all over the walls. Pictures filled with smiles from a younger me, a more current me, my parents, and Tracey. Ralph was in one or two along with another boy. I stared at a picture with the three of us for a while. Ralph walked up, standing next to me. We both stared at the photo.

  “Who is that?” I asked, trying to remember. I could feel it just in front of me, but I couldn’t place him. I closed my eyes in frustration.

  “He was a friend of ours.” Ralph’s voice sounded curt, despite the sadness behind it. I looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

  “Where is he?”

  Before Ralph could answer, Tracey cleared her throat.

  “You guys want to go ahead and pick rooms? Dexter, yours is already set up.” She turned away and turned back, remembering that I wouldn’t remember. “Up the stairs, first door on the left.” Then she walked back out. I looked around for Noa, who stood behind us. She was frowning at the picture as well. And when Ralph stepped back, she sent him a confused expression. After a few moments, she shook her head, as if to rid herself of whatever puzzling thoughts she was thinking and grabbed her duffel, heading up the stairs. I followed suit, and when I got to the top of the steps, I saw a ‘D’ on the first door on the left. I opened it and knew I’d been in here before. I blinked a few times, thinking the image would fade, the nostalgia, the sadness. But this house held secrets. Was I remembering as Dexter? Had the Grim Reaper given me that as well? Some of Dexter’s memories?

  “Hey,” Noa said from the doorway, “I think we’re go
ing out to the lake soon.” She came over and wrapped her arms around my waist. Even though I felt like I was losing my mind, reeling into Alice’s rabbit hole, I kissed Noa on top of her head and pretended all was well.

  “Do you like it here?” I asked.

  “Are you kidding? I never thought I’d be in a place like this, ever. Thank you so much for making my birthday such a big deal. It makes me feel important.”

  “Because you are important.” I didn’t want to tell her that we all loved her. I hadn’t told her that I loved her yet. I didn’t want to scare her. And while Noa seemed much better, I let her take the reins and decide the speed of this relationship. The ball wasn’t in her court. She owned the damn court, the ball, and me.

  If I was honest with myself, my loving Noa was old news. Living without telling her wasn’t exactly difficult. I’d been doing it all along. It hadn’t taken time for me to fall in love with her. I met her and I loved her name, I loved her honest expression and her randomness. The more time we spent together, I uncovered more things I loved, like her vulnerability, hidden by her smart remarks. Or the fact that she only seemed free. At the end of it all, I wondered why people made it a big deal to say it. Maybe I hadn’t known Noa long, but I loved her in the way that a seed is planted. And as time passed, it grew into something I could only bask in.

  I loved her with a sense of reverence, hanging on her every word, waiting on her smile, watching for her anxiety, ready to ease her mind. The way I thought that feeling should be. Dangerously, fearlessly, selflessly. Completely.

  “I’m gonna unpack and then I’ll meet you guys downstairs,” I said, reaching for my bag.

  “Don’t forget your swim trunks.” She floated out of the room easily.

  I wasn’t going to. I was looking forward to seeing Noa in a bikini, after all.

  Chapter 20

  Istepped out of my bedroom and jogged down the steps, wearing my swim trunks and a T-shirt. I turned into the hall, the back sliding doors in front of me. My eyes looked to the wall, and I stopped.

  The photos that had been there not even twenty minutes ago were gone. All that remained were the ones of me and my parents. Was the house playing tricks on me? I shook my head and headed outside.

  “Finally,” Ralph exclaimed as I stepped onto the deck. They were all ready and waiting for me.

  I came outside prepared to ask questions, but when Noa stood and tugged me down the steps and through the grass, I let it go. We reached the end of the dock, and she pulled off her dress.

  I was pretty sure she couldn’t have knocked the wind out of me more effectively with a physical blow. Before I could wipe the drool from my chin, she jumped into the water. When she surfaced, her hair fanned out in the water, she smiled, calling me in. A siren’s song. I took off my shirt and jumped in. The crash of the water was overwhelming, and when my head broke the surface, I looked for Noa.

  “Noa?” I called out, waiting a few minutes before ducking down. She swam up beside me, pulling me against her. Her mouth found mine, and I ran my hand down her back, pressing her closer.

  When she pulled me back up, I saw Tracey waving at us from the dock.

  “Lunch is on the table!”

  I turned to Noa, who then announced that she’d race me there. Having gotten the head start, I let her win. But as soon as she climbed the dock, I followed her up and threw her over my shoulder, laughing at her playful shrieks. I set her down on the wooden steps leading up to the back patio.

  “If I didn’t adore you, Dexter Andrews, I’d call you a caveman.” Her hands were on her hips, and I couldn’t help the slow travel of my eyes as I took in the sight of her in her bikini. Don’t look at her boobs. There were little flowers all over it. Don’t look at her boobs. I wondered if she liked flowers. Don’t look at her boobs. She painted them sometimes….

  And I was looking at her boobs. I’d gotten to second base with her. I was in no rush to go further. But it still made my blood rush to see them so pertly on display in front of me.

  “Earth to Dex,” Ralph called from above us. “Let’s eat.”

  “Maybe you can stare at my breasts later,” Noa whispered to a very slack-jawed me. She walked up the steps, and I tried to look at everything but what was in front of me. But, I was just a man, so I enjoyed the view.

  •••

  We lounged around all day, either in the water or on the dock. Noa was carefree, and I felt at ease knowing that she could finally be this way. While Noa was fiery and temperamental by nature, which I was fine with, we hadn’t had an honest-to-goodness throw down in a while. Not since the New Year’s Eve incident. The sun was going down, and she was leaning against me while our feet dangled from the edge of the dock. We’d been sitting silently for a while now, and I could feel the question right on the tip of her tongue.

  “What’s going to happen to us?” she asked. I hated that she was asking now. Because I knew that she’d likely fought over asking me for a long time. She deserved the answer to her question when she asked it, even if I had planned on giving it to her the next day.

  I stood, holding my hand out to her.

  “What?” She looked up at me in confusion.

  “I’m going to answer your question. Just come with me.” I wanted to be away from everyone else when I told her what I’d come up with. Good or bad, I wanted to be the only one to see her reaction. Some things were meant to stay with us alone.

  We walked along the edge of the lake, and I looked up at the sky. It’d gotten dark. I slowed when we were far enough where no one would see us. The stars twinkled and I took a deep breath.

  “I have my own theories, you know.” I was nervous, buying time, trying to figure out my delivery. It’s all about the delivery.

  “Do any of them have anything to do with us?” She was nervous too, but unlike me and always like her, she was direct.

  “What if those stars represent all of us? Stars are born, stars die, just like people. Maybe there are two stars out there for the both of us.” I grabbed her hand, swinging it loosely with mine. The dirt crunched under our feet as we continued to walk.

  “And in a few months, one star will be at one end of the sky, and the other will be alone at the opposite end.” Her voice wavered. I gathered all of my courage. She’d either say yes or say no. Whichever answer it was, I’d move forward, figuring out what was best for us long term. The thought was an overwhelming one, but it was one I was prepared to deal with.

  “Or they could be right next to one another like we are now.”

  She stopped walking and I turned to face her.

  “Blue, I want you to come with me. I know you had a portfolio set out, and I don’t know if you sent it anywhere, but I took pictures and sent it off to this art school there and—”

  “What? When?” She clutched my hands, bringing them closer to her.

  “A month or so ago. I know it’s too late to make the fall semester, but I got a letter from them. Noa, they’re willing to give you a full ride, starting in the spring. You can get settled with me in Massachusetts before you start. I wasn’t able to give them a lot of your information, so you’ll need to contact them soon. But they loved what they saw, Blue. You’re amazing.”

  She was sniffling. Why was she sniffling? It was getting harder to see her clearly under the stars.

  “You aren’t…mad at me, are you? I promise I had the best intentions.”

  She grabbed my face, running her thumbs over my cheeks. When we drew closer, I could see her smiling.

  “No, Dexter. I’m so happy. And I love you too much for it.” She threw her arms around me and pulled me tightly to her.

  “I love you too, Noa. I can’t imagine you not being there with me.”

  I felt her laugh, and when I noticed the fire dying down on the other side of the lake, I grabbed her hand and led her back toward the house. We made our way, nearly running, and her giggling behind me. We walked up the steps of the empty deck and opened the sliding door, easing qu
ietly into the house. I didn’t want anyone to stop us. The air conditioner kept the house cool as we made our way up to my room. Noa was silent the entire time.

  When I closed the bedroom door, she was on me before I could turn on the light. Her anxiousness was in her kiss as she nibbled at my lips in the darkness of my bedroom. I held her too tightly, I was sure. I stepped back to look at her, wishing in that moment more than ever that I could read her mind. Her fingers went to the ends of her tank top, pulling at the material before I placed my hands over hers and lifted it over her head, tossing it aside.

  She inhaled a shaky breath and tugged my shirt off. I pulled her back into my embrace, and my hands went to the clasp of her bra. Her hair came tumbling down when she released it from the clip.

  “Dexter,” she whispered. I removed my hands, worried I was moving too quickly.

  “Hm?” I worshipped her skin, running my nose across the softness of it, leaving kisses as if she’d disappear as quickly as she’d appeared.

  “I love you.” Of course, because it was Noa, I knew there was more than those three words. She was letting me know, in her way, that she was okay with this.

  “I’ll always love you.” I unhooked her bra, dragging it down her arms, and she stepped back. In the moonlight, her skin was pale, her hair a halo. She looked like she was there to save me; my own angel. But I learned, in the end, we all needed saving. Her arms remained at her sides and she looked me right in my eyes, terrifying me.

  When she removed her shorts, I watched the smooth expanse of new skin being revealed. Her thighs, her hips, her simple underwear, they were all part of this one person who’d stepped into my life, leaving her footprints in my thoughts and her fingerprints on my heart.

  I unbuttoned my pants slowly, still not wanting to move too quickly. When I stepped out of them, I looked at her again. There was only excitement.

  We came together, one moment standing, the next, the soft comforter beneath us. Kisses, shy smiles, quiet laughter; we were a tangle of limbs experimenting with what love gave us. My hands were in her hair and my lips on her skin. Her hands were on my back and her eyes on mine.