Crashing Souls

by Cynthia A. Rodriguez

  When my body merged with hers and her sigh broke the silent air, I felt so full. My life was full. Under the light of the night, Noa gave herself to me in the most complete way.

  •••

  “Dexter?” Noa whispered against my chest. I was asleep, but somehow I heard her through the haze of it. I opened one eye and peered down at her.

  “Mm?” I asked, too tired to make anything else come out of my mouth.

  “Sometimes I worry.” She sat up a little, the blanket moving down her back and exposing her naked skin. “You’re too perfect. I’m scared to see what I would be like if I didn’t have you anymore.”

  I stretched, making a conscious effort to participate in a conversation that very clearly meant a lot to Noa.

  “I’m not perfect, Blue. I’m a guy. I don’t notice little things. Sometimes I don’t listen and I push you too far. And most of the time I forget to shave because I’m lazy, even though I know you hate it because it scratches you when I kiss you.” I pulled her close, making sure she’d hear every word. “But in the most important ways, we fit each other. I love you, so I make that effort. You love me, so you make that effort. It isn’t perfect. It’s just us.”

  She laid her head on my chest again and I felt her breathing slow. I didn’t like Noa worrying, although I could relate. Because, no matter what, I’d always worry about her falling back into her self-destructive ways.

  •••

  I’d woken up to Noa many times. Sometimes she’d simply fallen asleep, and I didn’t have the heart to wake her. More often than not, she knew she was sleeping in my bed when we made plans for the day.

  Waking up to Noa, on her birthday, with her naked body pressed against mine was something I’d always remember.

  “Happy birthday,” I whispered in her ear. She groaned, shoving her head under the pillows.

  “Thanks, Dexter Andrews, man of my dreams,” she said, the words muffled under the pillows. We heard the sounds of people in the house and I sat up, looking at the clock on my nightstand.

  “It’s almost one, Blue. We should probably get up.”

  She bolted up, scrambling around to find her clothes. When she pulled on her bikini, all the time not caring that I was staring at her, she turned to me with a knowing smile.

  “This is going to be the best birthday ever.” She kissed me and hurried out.

  I hoped so. I wanted it to be. But I couldn’t shake the feeling the house gave me.

  Chapter 21

  Ishowered and put on some shorts and a shirt before I headed down to see who was there. Music was playing, food was set out, and when I stepped out onto the deck, Tracey looked up from her post next to the grill.

  That Ralph was working. Ralph.

  I laughed at him in an apron with a fake chef’s hat on.

  “What’s going on?” I asked as I grabbed a chip and sat at the table.

  “Late night, bro?” Ralph shot me a look from behind Tracey’s back, one that I was glad she didn’t catch.

  I shrugged and looked around. There were people on the lake, people I recognized from school. A few of them, I knew, talked to Noa regularly. While she’d told me she didn’t have friends in the true sense, she was definitely great at talking to people.

  The back door opened, but I’d sensed her before she walked out. Blue hair tucked into braids that wrapped around her head, a white dress and sandals. I blinked a few times, trying to come up with the right compliment.

  “Look at you, Noa. Looking all hot,” Ralph yelled from in front of the grill.

  No. That wasn’t it. I threw a chip at Ralph, telling him to shut up.

  I stood, walked to her and kissed her. She tugged at my hair playfully.

  “Just like an angel, Blue.”

  I heard people coming up the steps, and when they saw Noa, they chattered animatedly, grabbing her and leading her down to the rest of the guests.

  “Don’t worry,” Tracey came up beside me, both of our eyes watching Noa, “I’ll keep an eye on her.”

  I placed my arm on her shoulder. “Thanks. Sometimes I wish she didn’t have to be watched. But the truth of it is, I’ll probably always do it, even if she’s been sober twenty years.”

  “It isn’t easy. But as long as you love her, and the good outweighs the bad, you’ll be fine.” She clapped her hand over my shoulder. “Now let’s make sure Ralph doesn’t burn this house down.”

  The party was in full swing. People were eating, dancing, and swimming, and I could tell Noa was loving every second. I looked at the table bearing gifts, smiling at my small package among the bags and boxes.

  I was watching Noa from the deck when I saw someone walking up. I jogged down the steps and made my way across the grass, stopping when I saw who it was. He looked much cleaner than he had the first time I met him.

  “Tim? What’s going on?”

  He had a poorly wrapped box in his hands and offered it to me.

  “Uh, I was invited. She’s—she’s here, right? I don’t know if...I don’t want to ruin her party or anything,” he said, his eyes shifting to all of the people. When I looked behind me, I saw Noa heading toward us.

  “Everything all right?” she asked as she walked up. She saw the box in his hand and smiled. “You’re here for the party, Tim? I didn’t think you’d seriously make it. Come on!”

  She brought him up to the patio to eat and then took him to the dock where she’d been almost the whole time. Whatever had been between them seemed to be better.

  “All right everyone,” Tracey called from the grass after the sun began to fade. “It’s time to sing happy birthday and open presents!”

  I went inside and grabbed the cake covered in sparklers and candles. Ralph came in after me and helped light each one. He stepped out before me, starting off the singing.

  “Happy birthday to you,” I sang, my eyes on Noa’s, whose were filling rapidly. She fidgeted while everyone sang, having no idea how to handle it. When the song was over, she took a deep breath and blew out the candles, the sparklers still going, casting a shimmer over her. She was breathtaking and I was wonderstruck.

  People clapped and I blinked away as Tracey grabbed the cake to start cutting. When everyone had a piece, she sat Noa down to begin opening gifts.

  There were clothes, soaps, and lotions—weird girly things that showed how little people knew Noa. When she got to Tracey’s gift, her fingers shook as she lifted the taped edges of the wrapping paper. Once it was completely unwrapped, she sat there looking at it. Finally, she got up and hugged Tracey.

  “I figured you’d need brand new brushes for the East Coast adventure,” I heard her tell Noa.

  “They’re really good ones,” Noa said with a laugh as she sat back down. The last gift left was mine. I hadn’t wrapped it. She thumbed the box, flipping the lid nervously. When she saw what was inside, she gasped.

  Tracey moved toward me, smiling. Noa finally looked up at me.

  “What is this, Dexter Andrews?”

  “A ring,” I answered carefully. Everyone gasped around us. “Wait, it isn’t that ring. Not yet.”

  Noa placed her hand over her heart and I took the box, removing the ring and slipping it on the ring finger of her right hand.

  “I guess this is me letting you know that one day it’s going to happen for us.” I hated that everyone was staring, holding onto our words. But I knew Noa needed security from me. This was the only thing I could think of that she’d really want from me on her day.

  She flew from her seat, wrapping her arms around me tightly.

  “Thanks, Dexter,” she whispered.

  “For what, the ring? Do you like it?”

  She chuckled. “For what the ring means.”

  She was still hugging me when I felt her stiffen. I pulled back and looked at her.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked. But her eyes were still focused just past me. I turned and saw someone in the grass below us. It was dark, but the light from the porch made it obvious
that it was a woman. “Who is that, Noa?”

  “Our mother,” Tim said before running down the steps to her. She emerged from the lingering shadows, and her face didn’t hold any of the friendliness or love I’d come to see on Tracey’s.

  Noa followed Tim slowly, not as eager to face the woman who’d abandoned them. And because Noa went, I followed.

  “You came,” Tim said, sounding breathless.

  “You invited her? You’ve been speaking to her?” Noa was instantly furious. “And you never told me?!”

  Tim tried to speak but their mother interrupted.

  “You always were ungrateful. Here I am, driving all the way here for you and for what?” Her voice held a thick Spanish accent and her eyes were hard. Hair grew in gray, and a face that was once beautiful looked down at Noa without a whisper of a smile.

  “You should have never come,” Noa said, adding a few words in Spanish.

  “I don’t know why I did either.” She turned and Tim grabbed her, begging them to talk. Noa stood shaking.

  “I will never talk to her. She left us, Tim. What kind of person leaves her kids alone without even caring if they eat or not?” She backed up until she stood in front of me.

  “You look like you’ve done well enough for yourself, mija. Isn’t it amazing what bright opportunities are afforded to a young woman once she lies on her back?” She looked around and nodded. “But be careful. A man can love your body. But he would just as easily love another’s in the next moment.”

  Noa scoffed and I stood closer to her.

  “Leave it to you to come here and assume that I could only be this happy, this fortunate, if I fucked my way here. I am not you and Dexter is not dad. He left you because you were a drunk!”

  Their mother pushed past Tim and walked up to Noa, rearing back to slap her until a hand grabbed it.

  “You are on my property, Mrs. Cruz, and I will not tolerate physical violence,” Tracey said, her voice brimming with anger.

  “Let go of my hand, gringa. This is between me and my children,” she shrieked. “Timothy, ayudame. Help your mother.”

  “I can’t, ma. You said you were going to behave. You said you were sober, but I can smell the booze on your breath.” Tim moved to stand next to Noa.

  Mrs. Cruz snatched her hand back and stood there, breathing heavily, sweat shining on her skin. It wasn’t just alcohol. She had hate in her heart and, in my opinion, drugs in her system.

  “Fine. Fine! To hell with the both of you. You’ll be just like your father, Timothy. And you,” she pointed to Noa, “you can pretend you didn’t come from the dirt. Pretend that this is your life. These people, they’ll see you for the trash that you were all along.” She spat at their feet and ambled back into the darkness.

  Noa turned into me, burrowing her face in my shirt. I felt her tears even though I couldn’t hear them. Tracey turned, telling the guests it was time to go, that there’d be no overnight guests tonight. Everyone filed out somberly, and Tim went inside to help Ralph clean up. I stayed where I was, being Noa’s support. I thought once before that I was meant to be her anchor, keeping her grounded so that she remained with me. But I was feeling more like a life vest, keeping her afloat as she fought the temptation to drown.

  “Come,” I whispered. When she didn’t budge, I pulled her up, cradling her in my arms and walking us up to my bedroom. I set her down and went to work taking off her dress and swimsuit. She stopped me, cradling my face in her hands and kissing me. Instantly, I felt the urgency on her lips.

  “Blue?” I whispered the question as I pulled back.

  “Do you still love me? Now that you know what I came from?” Silent tears slid down her face.

  “I’m not even going to answer that,” I said, angry. I was tired of proving myself to her. I went through my bag and tossed her a shirt and some shorts.

  She threw them back to me.

  “Then why can’t you look at me?” she yelled.

  I faced her, my eyes taking her in.

  “I’m looking at you! I’m always looking at you, looking for you. Hell, all I see is you. What more do you want? You want me to have sex with you? I can’t do that. I can’t…I don’t want to taint that magic with the disgusting things your mother said.” I sat on the bed and ran my fingers through my hair. She sat next to me and placed her hand on the middle of my back.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I don’t know what to think anymore.”

  “Just stop insulting me, Noa.” I took off my clothes and turned off the light. I pulled the comforter back and lay down. If she wanted to lie down, she would. I was tired of being the only one who had faith in us.

  •••

  Wake up! She needs you.

  I sat up quickly, my eyes adjusting slowly to the darkness. I was alone in my room. I got up and checked Noa’s room. It was empty. I searched all of the doors and ran into a very sleepy Tracey.

  “Dex? What’s going on?”

  “I have to find Noa,” I said as I bolted down the steps. I couldn’t find Tim either. Had he left? When I looked in the kitchen, I noticed the liquor cabinet was ajar. A few bottles were open on the counter. “Fuck!”

  Not this. I can’t….

  I ran outside and looked toward the dock. She was on the edge, standing there while the wind blew at her dress. At some point, she’d removed her hair from its braids and it flew around her face. Even at this point, on the edge of danger, she looked like a religious being. Tim stood off to the side, talking to her, it seemed. I could faintly hear him telling her to come back into the house, that it was dangerous.

  “I’m not mad, I swear,” he said. “We all slip up sometimes.”

  “Noa!” I screamed. “Noa!”

  She turned quickly toward my voice and lost her balance, hitting her head against the post. And my angel fell.

  At the sound of her hitting the water, I moved.

  I ran as fast as I could toward the dock, pushing Tim out of the way when he cried that he couldn’t swim.

  I heard Tracey’s voice telling Ralph to call 911 just as I crashed into the water. It was too dark. I couldn’t see anything. I surfaced, looking to see if she’d floated. When I saw nothing but smooth surface, I ducked down again, cursing in my head. My lungs were beginning to burn when I saw her white dress. I swam over and pulled her, bringing her up to the surface.

  “Oh, thank God,” Tracey said as she helped me pull her up the ladder. She laid her gently on the wooden planks and listened for breathing. When she didn’t feel anything, she tilted her head back and performed CPR. Breath after breath, she wasn’t coming back. Blood was seeping slowly onto the dock from the back of her head.

  “Bring her back, Aunt Tracey.” I ground my teeth, wanting to scream.

  It was my fault. I turned away from her. I should’ve stayed up and helped her. Talked to her. Made her feel loved and secure.

  I heard the sirens in the distance, and I felt that pinprick of remembrance. When the men jumped out of the truck and surrounded Noa, I felt hopeless.

  “She isn’t breathing, she isn’t breathing,” I said when they asked me what happened.

  “She was drinking and came out to the dock. She hit her head pretty hard and fell into the water,” Tracey said, looking at me. I nodded, confirming.

  “She’s got a pulse. It’s faint but it’s there. We’ve got to get her out of here,” one of the paramedics said. “Any family members here?”

  Tim stepped forward.

  “You should probably come with us.” He nodded, and I watched as they took her away from me. There was nothing I could do. She’d almost died before and was pardoned. There was a good chance she wouldn’t be dealt with so graciously this time.

  “Get dressed, guys. We’ll follow them up there.”

  I stepped back and put my hands up. I wasn’t going anywhere. Anger hit me with brute force. My anger at Noa, which I hadn’t even realized I was feeling, took hold. I ran into the house and grabbed one of the bot
tles, my hands shaking as I unscrewed the top. I looked at the bottle in my hand with disgust. I tipped it back and took a deep pull, downing the burning amber liquid. After a few hated gulps, I threw the bottle on the ground, picking up another and smashing it too, nearly hitting Ralph. Bottles and bottles until the kitchen floor glittered with glass, liquor splashing against the expensive tile.

  What was it? What was it about this shit that made her come back for more? I had to know. I had to experience the numbness for myself. At the very least, if I understood, losing her wouldn’t be such an unfathomable idea. Certainly not when I was losing her to the liquid that was causing me to feel detached.

  “I give her everything, and she still picks this over me. Why?” I asked, throwing one more bottle. I felt the fire inside, from the liquor, and it lit my fury.

  “Calm down, Dex. You don’t know what she was thinking.” He tried his best to avoid the glass on the ground as he came closer.

  “She wasn’t thinking about me. She…I’m always thinking of her! I can’t do it anymore, Ralph. I can’t be with this beautiful person who damages everything without a single thought. I can’t always pick up the pieces. I can’t be the only one who cares!” I took a step forward and slipped. Ralph reached for me as I cried out, “He didn’t tell me it was this hard…we never even had a chance….”

  Tracey ran in and took me in her arms. I felt stupid but I cried against her. Because no matter how good I was to Noa, no matter what promises I made and kept or how dedicated I was, she was never going to love herself as much as I loved her. And if Noa died, coming back would be for nothing. I’d face that lonely fate, at the hands of the one who was supposed to love me back.

  Chapter 22

  After twenty-four hours passed, Noa regained consciousness. She asked for me as soon as she was able to form sentences.

  For forty-eight hours, I remained in the bedroom at the lake house that belonged to Dexter Andrews pre-accident. I didn’t know that I was searching for answers or what I would figure out in locking everyone out. But I did just that. I ignored everyone in that house because I knew they would try to reason with me. I wanted to feel what I was feeling. I didn’t want to see reason or wonder how she felt.