Crashing Souls

by Cynthia A. Rodriguez

  To have given someone every piece of yourself, to have promised them the world, to have offered everything they could’ve ever wanted…and to watch them nearly die….

  I loved Noa. And all through my love for her, I forgot to make sure I was okay. I wasn’t. I was angry and disappointed, and I could not be moved to see her. Her demons were stronger than I could ever be. They made her forget love, forget the stars, and forget me. I couldn’t be there when her demons won. Because whatever killed Noa would kill me. We were tethered that way, regardless of distance. And now…I had to stand clear of the impending blast. Despite what hold we had on one another, my self-preservation was kicking in.

  Tracey finally knocked on my door and begged me to see her, telling me Noa was distraught and uncooperative with the hospital staff, insisting that they were keeping us apart. I was afraid to see her. I was frightened of the idea of living without Noa. But I was more afraid of my feelings. The anger festered during those forty-eight hours. I couldn’t keep it from Noa anymore.

  We pulled up outside the hospital with our bags in the car, packed and ready to go. Tim packed his things as well as Noa’s and checked into a hotel. Tracey, Ralph, and I were driving back into town today. I’d already missed two days of school, and while finals had already been processed, I knew I at least had to show my face to graduate.

  “Are you sure about this, Dex? Once you do this, it can’t be undone,” Tracey told me with a frown, her hands in fists on her lap. It was insane that this woman who’d held me as I lost my shit over this girl would still encourage me to stay with her. But that was the way it was with Noa. You tended to love her beyond reason.

  “There are too many things that can’t be undone.” I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out of the car. Tracey had told me her room number earlier, so I headed there as quickly as I could, reading the direction signs and scanning the numbers on the doors.

  I stopped short outside her door. Bumping into Noa had been a gift. And even in that moment, I felt the same odd sensation of being filled with love from lives before. Memories of what she could be like. But having experienced Noa, they wouldn’t happen that way.

  I almost turned back the way I came. It felt like I was giving every kiss, every touch back to the Angel of Death. I was returning his gift, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know what the future would hold for me. Was this it?

  No. I had to do this. Because if I stood with Noa, she would think what she’d done to me was fine. She’d think the way she continued to poison herself was fine.

  I walked into her hospital room with purpose. Her hair was fanned across the pillow, and I itched to run my fingers through it like I always did. Her skin was pale and she looked fragile.

  She opened her eyes like she knew I was there. Eyes that didn’t blink, like she was afraid to miss a single moment. When she did blink, it snapped me out of my hypnotized state and I remembered why I was there.

  Her smile was faint and she reached out her arm to me, telling me to come to her. I stood where I was. Her smile faded.

  “Noa.” I cleared my throat. I knew I was going to break her heart. But I was going to break mine too. I hoped she’d know that.

  “You’re leaving,” she whispered. Her eyes bore into mine, facing the collision head on. I looked away. For all of the love I had for her, she couldn’t love herself the way she needed to. Maybe if I left, she’d have a better chance at survival. Because with me, it didn’t look like it. If anything, I should’ve listened to her and left her alone. I wasn’t good for her.

  I nodded, afraid to speak. When I looked at her again, her eyes were cold. And she turned away from me, looking at the ceiling.

  “Don’t hate me. Noa, you—you’re amazing. But I can’t love you enough for the both of us. You’re too self-destructive. You almost died. How could you? How would I have been able to live with myself with your death on my conscience?”

  She lay there silently, taking in the words I was giving her, giving nothing in return.

  “Fine. I’m talking to a wall.” I paused, “I love you. I’ll never stop. And I’ll never forget you.”

  I looked at her again, watching silent tears run down her face. Other than that, she remained stoic. I couldn’t do it anymore.

  I turned and walked slowly out. I had to get out of there before I changed my mind. She could do that. She could make me forget my anger and take her in my arms. I was suddenly thankful for her stubborn silence. As I neared the door, I left the pieces of myself that Noa had uncovered. I left my soul in there with her, to keep her company. Because that’s what you did when you loved someone. You left before shit blew up in your face, killing you both. And you left them with the parts of you that no one else would ever be able to claim.

  I decided that it wasn’t self-preservation that made me leave. It was the hope that she had a better chance of surviving without me, the way she had before I bumped into her.

  If you loved someone, you set them free….

  She’d never come back.

  Still, I walked.

  “Dex, no.” I heard her sob when I’d gotten a few feet out of the door. “No. Don’t leave me.”

  One step after another, I walked away from Noa until I couldn’t hear her crying out for me.

  •••

  The last few days of school passed in a blur. No one asked me about Noa. No one even saw Noa. It was rumored that she’d had her diploma mailed to her and skipped town. But I knew how false rumors tended to be.

  It wasn’t like she had an abundance of friends that she regularly spoke with. No, the privilege used to be mine, knowing what was going on in Noa’s world. But now only Noa knew. And try as hard as I might, I wondered and I thought of her and….

  I missed her. I missed her so much; I played everything over in my head. I went back and forth between regretting everything to blaming myself and dialing her number, only to never actually call. She’d come into my life like a bolt of lightning and was gone just as catastrophically. Was I the only one who suffered? She was gone, and while I’d promised her the world, it seemed all I’d done was ruin her like she warned me not to.

  “Ready?” Tracey asked as she took a picture of me in my shorts and white shirt. “Oh, I wish you’d wear something nicer.” She fussed over me in her dress and heels.

  I merely grunted and pulled my hair into a bun, it being too hot to let it stick to the back of my neck.

  “You can always go back, Dexter.” Her eyes were on her camera when she said it.

  “Can we…not talk about this today? I’ll see you there.” I grabbed my keys and got in the car, determined to get through this graduation ceremony and get on with the life I was pretending to live.

  Sure, I was headed to an elite school. I had my future successfully mapped out, ensuring that, monetarily, I would do well. But once you had a taste of what really mattered, what wars were fought over, what poems were written about, it was hard to look toward the tepid horizon with anything more than dread.

  When I pulled up at the school, I parked and sat there, my forehead against the steering wheel. I heard a knock on the passenger side window and looked up. Ralph opened the door and got in.

  “Don’t want to talk about it,” I whispered, putting my head back down.

  “Of course you don’t. What man does?”

  It was quiet, neither of us speaking. I looked up, noticing everyone lining up for the ceremony.

  “We should probably go,” I said, opening the door and getting out. Ralph walked up to me and hugged me. It was unexpected, and a huge part of me wanted to push him away. It was too hot.

  “I’m sorry. I never knew what it meant to you until I saw it for myself. And even then, I didn’t fully know. Not until now. I’m sorry, man.”

  “This totally constitutes talking about it.”

  He apologized and let me go. We lined up in alphabetical order and began to file into our seats.

  Some man stood up and gave a speech and a
ll the while I wondered why they’d picked him. He didn’t know any of us and none of us knew him. Next was Mouse, valedictorian. She talked about life and school. Then she talked about loss. I tuned it out.

  They started to file rows out and hand people their diplomas. When my turn came, I smiled for the camera, knowing Aunt Tracey would kill me if I didn’t, and walked off, following the line back to my seat. They said Noa’s name, and it was like a kick in the gut. Her name was forbidden in my house. No one said her name around me. But when it was announced and she didn’t walk up and claim her diploma, I wanted to scream, punch things, burn the whole fucking ceremony down. Instead, I took a deep breath. After all of the diplomas were distributed, the principal came to the podium. He congratulated us and wished us well. Then music began playing, and a series of pictures took over a large screen on the stage. When a picture of Noa and I came up, I closed my eyes tightly. But it was the picture right after that knocked the wind out of me.

  On and on while everyone else around me threw their caps up in celebration, my eyes remained on the screen in front of me. I knew those faces. Her eyes, bright and blue, were so full of life and joy and the eyes that belonged to him—belonged to me—didn’t bother leaving her face. He watched her with pure adoration and I knew everything: the moment before we collided, my hand caressing her face as we made our way to dinner. Her breathless sigh as my eyes kept steady contact with hers, not bothering to watch the road I’d driven on a hundred times. The sound of her crying out when she noticed someone—Dexter—running out into the road. The thump of his body being hit by my car and then the swerve that landed us smack into the tree. Silence.

  The sound of her last breath, quiet and peaceful as we died together.

  Her name was Annabelle. Mine was Greg.

  Chapter 23

  Isaid my goodbyes, not quite looking Ralph or Tracey in the eyes. I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to feel and the one person I wanted to talk to would likely never want to speak to me again.

  I was still fuzzy on a lot of things. But I knew the way Annabelle felt and how wonderful it was to be in love with her and to feel her love for me. I didn’t know where I was headed to when I got into my car but when I pulled up in front of the place that had once housed me, I knew I had to go inside. I threw my cap and gown in the backseat and got out of the car, taking in the house in front of me. It was a grieving house. The flowers weren’t cared for the way they might’ve been, had the owners of the home not been dealing with a recent tragedy.

  I walked up the steps, wiping my hands against my cargo shorts before pressing my fingers against the doorbell. I heard the gentle pad of feet coming downstairs and the door creaked open.

  “Dexter?” Dark hair, graying, and eyes surrounded by laugh lines. More memories surfaced. I grabbed onto the doorframe, feeling ill. “Dex? Are you all right?” When her hand reached out to steady me, I stepped back.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” I shook my head. “You know Dex—I mean, me. You know me?”

  She smiled. “Of course I do. I feel like I hardly know you anymore. It’s been a very long time. Seven months now. I didn’t think I’d…ever see you again.” She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, still holding onto the door. “Did you want to come inside? I think you need to sit down.”

  I nodded, afraid to use my words.

  “Greg Sr. isn’t here yet. He’s on his way back from the office. I—uh—I’d hoped you’d come by before everyone went off to school. If I remember right, you had your heart set on the East Coast.” She spoke easily enough, her bare feet hitting the floor quietly before she sat on the couch, tucking them beneath her. She was in all black, something I knew was only a reflection of how she was feeling inside. Like a light going off inside of me, all of these details about her began to emerge. One by one, I saw her baking, photographing, cycling, crying, and laughing. And I knew that, whatever she felt on the inside, determined how she clothed herself on the outside. She was a free woman, one who wasn’t afraid to feel emotions. She was so like Noa, had Noa let herself be herself. She balanced out her partner, who was more conservative than she. They were amazing parents and I had been the love of their lives. Greg Sr. and Molly.

  I cleared my throat and sat across from her. “Yeah, um, I’m still trying to decide what it is I should be doing.”

  “You were always a smart kid. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” She sat forward, her eyes piercing into me. “So what brought you here after all this time, Dex?” There was no malice in her voice. She didn’t blame me even though her son was gone.

  “I lost my memory after the accident. I didn’t know until now…that it was—that your son…” I cleared my throat again, fighting back the emotions building within me. “I came as soon as I knew. I know it’s seven months too late but…I’m so sorry.”

  She shook her head adamantly. “None of that. I won’t have it, Dex.” Tears spilled from her eyes. “You don’t get to come in here and make me cry after all this time. And you don’t get to take the blame over something you had no control over.” She breathed in deeply. “The good Lord called him home, Dex. And though I miss him, I feel him around me every day. And if I’m being honest, I feel closer to him now than I have in all this time you’ve been gone.”

  I nodded, wiping at the tears that had begun to cloud my vision.

  “I think we’re kindred spirits, Dex. I lost my son; you lost your parents. A mother should never have to bury her son. But a boy shouldn’t have had to bury his parents before he became a man.”

  “I don’t remember them. When I lost my memory, I lost it all. There are things I can make out, like I somehow knew where you lived, but other things I’m completely blank on.” I hung my head in shame. All of those feelings, the guilt at not remembering them despite being their legacy, were enough to bring me to my knees.

  Warms hands ran over my shoulders, and I felt her sitting beside me.

  “I knew your parents. You and Greg Jr. were always on the playground together growing up. Ralph, too. Even as you got older, you stayed in touch. And he always admired and loved you. But you have to know you’re making them proud.” She pulled my face up so my eyes met hers. “And you’re making me proud.” She hugged me against her tightly, and I couldn’t hold back the sobs. I was hugging my mother.

  I sat back, wiping my nose against my arm.

  “How’s Annabelle’s family?” When thinking of them, I saw a blurry image of a stern woman and a man who laughed often.

  “They didn’t take the news so well. We speak from time to time, but last I heard, they sold their house and moved to California. Couldn’t take the grief of having to see this place every day, I guess.” She smiled. “Gosh, those kids were so crazy in love. It was wonderful to witness.”

  “If only it were that easy with me,” I said, feeling like I could finally get the issues with Noa off my chest. It was so much easier when I was Greg and she was Annabelle. I wondered how it’d been in each life prior. How it’d be in each life following the end of this one.

  She leaned back, looking at me with incredulity. “What do you mean? Greg and Annabelle knew the best ways to get underneath each other’s skin. The way they’d bicker sometimes, you’d think they were the ones who’d been married over twenty years.”

  I frowned. “Really?”

  “Oh, yes. But it didn’t make them any less made for one another. Understand that, Dexter. Greg Sr. and I push each other constantly. Love isn’t something that is going to lie down and be taken. You’ve got to fight, even if it’s with the other person.”

  I looked down at my hands. “I think I may have pushed her too far away. I gave up on her after I promised I never would.”

  She took one of my hands in hers. “Relationships tend to get messy. But if you’re anything like my Greg Jr., and I know you are, you’ll find a way to make her see you for who you really are. I learned a lot from Greg and Annabelle. But the best thing I learned was to never give up on your soul mate.
They were soul mates, I believe. Butting heads constantly but when they crashed, they crashed together.”

  “Would it be all right if…I came to see you again?”

  She nodded, tears in her eyes. “I’d like that very much. And I’m sure Greg Jr. would like that as well.”

  If only she knew how right she was.

  •••

  I headed back to my house, hoping Ralph was there. When I walked through the front door and saw him at the kitchen island, I took a page from Noa’s book of directness.

  “Why didn’t you guys tell me I killed my best friend? I just came from his house, you know. You didn’t think I’d remember?”

  Ralph’s jaw dropped, and Tracey set her cup down calmly.

  “It’s my fault,” she said. “I told everyone it was best you didn’t know.”

  “He was a part of my life, Tracey. You can’t erase him. You can’t pretend he didn’t exist.” I was upset for me because my old body was laying in the dirt, and I hadn’t been mourned in this house. I’d been pushed under a rug. I was also upset because Dexter was the one who wasn’t actually here. And I shared a boyhood and teenage bond with him. He’d been broody and quick-witted and a hell of a friend to Ralph and me.

  That my memories were starting to return was heaven and hell to me. I wanted to remember for so long, but now that I did, I hated what I was being faced with. Lies from the two people I’d depended on most.

  “That wasn’t what I was trying to do! We all loved Greg. You three were inseparable. But it wasn’t fair to chain that guilt on you when it wasn’t your fault,” Tracey wailed.

  I paced the room, trying to get rid of my anger.

  “It was my fault. It was both of our faults. But what you two did was terrible. Ralph, you knew. You knew the both of us better than anyone. What…” I couldn’t finish my thought.