Choices (A Woman's Life)

by Marie Ferrarella

There were far too many people present for him to take her into his arms the way he wanted to. “Is that a promise?”

  Shanna looked up at Reid, lost in thought. She hadn’t said anything remotely close to a promise. Or had she? “What?’

  She was too preoccupied to follow their conversation, he thought. She needed a break, however small. He sat down again, his tone low, persuasive. “When you win the primary, why don’t you take a couple of days off? I have some time coming to me and—"

  How could he even suggest that? “Reid, I can’t. Things will be even more hectic than ever.”

  “Exactly my point.” Wanting her, he satisfied himself temporarily by imagining her the way she would be tonight, in bed with him, warm, supple, giving. It was enough to make his body ache. “Get away and store up a little energy for the good fight ahead.”

  She knew exactly what was on his mind and laughed. “Store up energy?” she echoed. “With you?”

  “The thought did cross my mind.”

  He was tempting her, even though she knew it wasn’t the logical thing to do at this time. But they hadn’t had any time alone together for what seemed like months. She didn’t want to take a chance of losing what she had with him. “If I go off with you, I won’t have any energy to campaign when I get back.”

  He wanted nothing more than to go away with her for a little while. Whenever he could get away to be at her side, the pace she kept up was so incredibly hectic that it left no time for them to explore one another as lovers.

  “You’d be surprised.” He played his ace card. “Actually I was thinking more in terms of the three of us going.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Excuse me?’”

  He grinned. “You, me, and Jessica.”

  It had a pleasant ring to it, and although she knew it couldn’t ever be permanent, she did savor the sound of it. “Like a family.”

  That was his ultimate goal. To form a family unit. “Exactly like a family.”

  She was torn between her heart and her head. “I don’t know.”

  It wasn’t the answer he had hoped for. He felt frustration building, but this wasn’t the time to vent it. “I do. The matter’s settled.”

  She didn’t know whether to be annoyed or amused with the way he simply took over. It was a first. Usually he treated her like a complete equal. There had never been a moment during this whole campaign when he had demonstrated any frustrations of ego because the spotlight was exclusively on her.

  Amusement won. “I don’t get a say in it?”

  “Only if you say what I want to hear.” He moved closer to her as the din continued to rise behind them. “There’s a three-day weekend coming up next week. You can take a break. Do it, Shanna,” he coaxed, his voice at the same time seductive and excited. “Win or lose, you need the time off. If you lose tonight, I’ll help you nurse your wounds.” His eyes slid over her body with familiarity. “And whatever else might need nursing. If you win, I promise I’ll help you come up with one hell of a campaign speech.” He gave her a hooded, sexy look. “But only if you inspire me.”

  She could already see herself with him at some isolated cabin. It sounded delicious. Suddenly she wanted nothing else. The hell with caution. “You drive a hard bargain, Reid Kincannon.”

  He shrugged easily. “I don’t like to lose.”

  Shanna glanced at the screen as new figures were displayed. “Neither do I. Okay, you’re on.”

  Doreen pushed aside several people to reach Shanna. “Shanna,” she called out, excited. “Channel Two just projected you the winner, based on two percent of the final tally being in.”

  A euphoria took hold of Shanna and she fought hard to hold it in check. “Let’s hope the other ninety-eight percent feels the same way.”

  “Chamberlain, here we come.” Doreen rubbed her bony hands together as she invoked the name of the front-running candidate on the other ticket. She smiled broadly at Shanna. “You’ll beat the pants off him.”

  “Don’t count your pants before they fall, Doreen,” Shanna warned. Her heart fluttered slightly as she saw her own photograph flashed on the screen. The totals so far appeared to be good. “We’ve got to win this one first, remember?”

  There wasn’t an iota of doubt in Doreen’s voice. “We will, sugar, we will.”

  “So, Madam Candidate, how does it feel to win your very first primary?”

  Reid placed a wildflower in her hair. True to her word, they did go away together. For three idyllic days they hid in a cabin that Reid borrowed from a friend and pretended the rest of the world didn’t exist.

  They were in a meadow. Before them, as far as the eye could see, the grass waved long green fingers in the spring breeze. If the sky had been any bluer, Shanna was certain it would have required paint. Reid was propped up against a tree, his legs forming a warm set of parentheses around her body. She leaned her head against his shoulder, feeling lazy. A few feet away Jessica was gathering a bouquet of dandelions, their white fluffy heads breaking apart in the wind as soon as she pulled them with her chubby hands.

  Shanna couldn’t remember when she had been this relaxed, this at peace.

  “It feels wonderful,” she answered with a sigh. “You feel wonderful.” She snuggled happily against him, absorbing his warmth, absorbing his very presence. She tried to store it up within her.

  The respite would only last another day. The time they had spent together was precious and she would treasure it forever. But it was going to end soon. There was a campaign waiting for her to mount starting Tuesday and people depending on her.

  Reid toyed with her hair, remembering the way she had looked last night as the glow from the fireplace in the bedroom warmed her skin. Just the thought made him want her again. He knew he would never grow tired of making love with her. “This can go on, you know.”

  She rose on her elbow, turning to look at him in surprise. “Are you asking me to give up the election campaign?”

  Was what he was implying so difficult for her to imagine? “No, I’m asking you to marry me.”

  She had been dreading this moment. She had played with the idea more than once, but each time a fear had seized her heart, squeezing it. Fear that pushed aside everything else. “Reid, I—“

  He hated the hesitation he saw. “You’ve had a better offer?” he asked dryly.

  “No, don’t be ridiculous.” Sitting up now, she hugged her knees to her, watching Jessica. The little girl was chasing butterflies in a circle. Shanna ran her tongue along her lips. “It’s just that—“

  He held up his hand to stop her. “Let me guess. You’re afraid.”

  Her head jerked up, the flower falling from her hair. “I’m not afraid.”

  He rose to his knees, his hands on her shoulders, his tone urgent. “Then take a chance. With me.” He searched her eyes for a sign that she would. “There are no guarantees in life, Shanna, only commitments we want to see through.” Didn’t she understand? Hadn’t she been paying attention these last few months? “I’m ready to commit to you.”

  Shanna broke away, scrambling to her feet. Why was he making this so difficult? “But I’m not ready.”

  He rose, slowly, deliberately brushing the grass from his jeans. His gaze was stony when he looked at her and he was fighting to hold on to his temper. “Because of him.”

  “Who?” His voice was so full of hate when he said “him” that her own voice quavered.

  “Give me a little credit,” Reid said in disgust. “Jordan.” He spat out the name.

  She looked at him in horror. She didn’t want Reid to believe that. “No.”

  His eyes were dark as he worked at restraining his anger, his hurt at her rejection. She was rejecting him for all the wrong reasons. Trapping her against the tree with his body, he placed his palms on either side of her head. “He’s there, in your head, every time I make love with you.” Suddenly aware that he was pressing too hard, Reid released her. “You’re comparing us.” He saw surprise fill her eyes. “What
? Did you think I don’t know?”

  “I’m not comparing you,” she cried in anguish. “Jordan was a horrible lover.”

  “I’m not talking about that part of it.” He struggled to lower his voice. He didn’t want to frighten the baby. Did Shanna think that was all he wanted of her? To have her in his bed? Did she think so little of him? Of herself? After all this time, had they made no progress at all?

  “I’m talking about the rest of it, damn it. You’re waiting for me to walk out on you emotionally. You’re waiting to find out about my secret life, that I’m using you for some purpose, the way he was. That I’m only saying things I don’t mean, the way he did. Well, you’re going to be spending your whole life waiting in vain. And wasting two lives in the process.”

  He realized he was shouting again, and it was doing no good. Abruptly he turned away. “I’ll go see about getting us something to eat.”

  Shanna watched his back as he walked away. She felt so confused, she didn’t know which way to turn. Suddenly she was running after him. “Reid, wait.”

  He stopped and turned in her direction. “I have been waiting,” he said evenly.

  Shanna took a deep, shaky breath. “Please, just give me a little more time to sort it out. To think.” She touched his cheek, as if somehow to instill patience in him. Her eyes pleaded with him to understand. “I know you’re not like he was. In my head, there’s this tally and you have all the pluses, he has all the minuses.

  “But in here”—she tapped her chest—“I’m still so afraid. I loved him with all my heart, and even when I thought there was something wrong, I refused to believe it. My heart was the last to go, the last to accept his deception. Now”—she smiled sadly—“it’s the last to be convinced that it won’t happen again.”

  He wanted to stay angry at her for the frustration he felt. But he couldn’t. He loved her too much.

  “You know,” he said quietly, “when you fall off a horse, they say the best way to stop being afraid of riding is to get back on.”

  Rising on her toes, she placed her hands on his shoulders in supplication. “I need a little more time to get back on that horse.”

  Reid smiled as he touched her mouth with his own. He was hopelessly stuck on her and he knew it. No matter what he threatened, he wasn’t going anywhere. He just planned to continue asking until he wore her down. “Just try to hurry, okay? Horses do die of old age, you know.”

  “I’ll try,” she promised with a laugh.

  “Now go get your daughter.” He waved his hand at the golden-haired child in the field. “And I’ll see what I can do about tantalizing both your taste buds.”

  “Pizza would do it,” Shanna tossed over her shoulder as she went to get Jessica.

  “Exactly what I had in mind,” he called after her. A nice, simple meal, he thought. If only the rest of it was nearly as simple.

  Chapter 27

  “I’ll be about an hour or so.”

  Reid’s voice was intermixed with the crackling sound of static. The sky was filled with lightning. Television and radio broadcasts were all being affected. Two major thunderstorms had hit the D.C. area, one after another. It had been raining heavily for almost three days now, and according to the weather bureau, a third storm was queuing up, waiting to wreak havoc on the city.

  The electricity had been winking in and out at Shanna’s apartment all evening and now it seemed as if even the telephone lines were threatened. She could hardly make out his words.

  “I just have a few finishing touches to make on your father’s speech for tomorrow evening.”

  Shanna toyed with the wire. There had been a restless feeling within her all day and the evening intensified it. “Why can’t you do it here?”

  “Because, my sweet, in case you haven’t noticed, you distract me. And the way I feel tonight, I wouldn’t get one word down on paper.”

  It had been a long, hard day and she ached to feel Reid’s arms around her. The storm made her feel like a child again and she needed him to make her feel safe. “Sounds promising. Hurry,” she urged breathlessly.

  The static cut into his answer. The urgency in her voice worried him a little. Normally she didn’t display this sort of vulnerability outright. Did she finally realize that she needed him, or was something wrong? “Are you all right, Shanna?”

  She was behaving like a child. “Just edgy. I miss you.”

  Maybe they were having a breakthrough after all. “I’m halfway there already. A half an hour at most.”

  She looked out the window. The world was dark and dreary three floors down. The rain was still coming in sheets. She heard a car screech and the sound of a crunch as it apparently hit another vehicle. She shuddered and turned away. “Be careful. The weather’s really nasty.”

  “I’ll hire a gondola if I have to. And if you—“

  The line went dead.

  “Reid? Reid?” She sighed as she hung up the telephone. “Terrific.”

  She didn’t like being without a phone. She fumbled for her cell, then remembered she’d left it in the car. “Next, the lights’ll go out again,” she murmured. Her fingers curled around the flashlight she had slipped into the oversized pockets of her flare skirt. If the lights did go out, she didn’t want Jessica to be frightened if she woke up. Like her mother had been, the little girl was afraid of the dark.

  Shanna looked at Reid’s photograph on the piano. She ran her finger along the bottom of the frame. Impulsively she kissed the tip of her finger and pressed it against the glass where his lips were. She loved him, she knew that, but she still hadn’t been able to convince herself to accept his proposal. Fear of ruining what was between them kept her from saying yes. With marriages floundering all around them and her own experience, Shanna didn’t want to make the same mistake again. She wanted things to go on just the way they had been. Forever.

  It was called having your cake and eating it, too, she supposed.

  Checking the phone again, she found there was still no dial tone. With a frustrated sigh, she dropped the receiver back into the cradle and walked into Jessica’s room. The little girl was asleep, clutching tightly the stuffed rabbit Reid had gotten her. She called it “Mister Weed” in his honor. Shanna smiled to herself. She was going to miss it when her daughter outgrew her Elmer Fudd stage.

  The storybook she had read until Jessica fell asleep was on the chair, another gift from Reid. There was no denying the fact that he would make a good father for her daughter.

  A hell of a lot better than the one biology had given her, Shanna thought, her lips twisting in a bitter smile. He hadn’t even been to see her once. So far, Jessica asked no questions. She probably assumed that Reid was her father. He was around so much. But someday the questions would be there and Shanna had no idea how she was going to handle it. How do you tell a little girl her father didn’t care enough to see her?

  No use dwelling on mistakes, she thought. At least Jordan had, however unwittingly, given her this precious jewel, and for that she was very grateful.

  Leaning over her daughter in her brand-new, grownup bed that she was so proud of, Shanna kissed her head lightly and tucked the sheet around the child’s small body. “Sleep tight, baby.”

  Shanna left the door ajar. The small “magic” lamp next to Jessica’s bed remained on to “scare away the monsters” It was a solution Reid had come up with when the night-light had failed to alleviate the little girl’s fears.

  “Hurry home, Reid,” she whispered to the emptiness around her.

  She was alone. The three of them had returned to D.C. for several days. Shanna needed to meet with a few of the party leaders who were supporting her. Jane had asked for the night off to visit with her brother and his family, despite the inclement weather. She wished now that Jane was here. She wanted someone to talk to, to drive away this strange, overwhelming sense of anxiety that was inexplicably claiming her.

  There were a hundred things she could be doing, but somehow she couldn’t focus he
r attention on any of them. Maybe there was something on television she could watch until Reid arrived. Because of the effect it could have on her reputation, he wouldn’t spend the night. But at least he would be here for a little while. It would help.

  The doorbell chimed, startling her well beyond a reasonable response. She whirled around. Reid. Had he changed his mind about working tonight? He had a key to her apartment, but because he and Doreen were overly sensitive about the possibility of a reporter seeing him use it, he normally rang the bell. “No need to tarnish the future congresswoman’s reputation,” he had teased.

  Hopeful, excited, she hurried to the door. “Changed your mind, did you?” she asked as she swung open the door. And then, speechless, she took a step back, feeling as if she had received a physical blow.

  “Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.”

  Jordan, looking like a cover of Gentlemen’s Quarterly in a smoky full-length raincoat walked in before she had a chance to shut the door. A few raindrops still clung to his hair, despite the umbrella he had used getting out of his car. The drops reflected the hall light and gleamed like little stars.

  A halo. Now there was deceptive camouflage, she thought. They hadn’t exchanged a word since that day in the hospital. The divorce had been handled exclusively through lawyers. “What are you doing here, Jordan?”

  Dropping the umbrella in the corner next to the door, Jordan casually shrugged out of his raincoat. A small puddle formed on the tile. “I was just in the neighborhood and heard you were back in town, so I—“

  It was amazing how clearly she could see through him now, how clouded her vision had been then. “Jordan, you are never ‘just’ anything. You’re probably the most calculating man in Congress.” She wished that Reid was with her, or Jane. She felt vulnerable with Jordan here. She had no idea what he was up to. “Now why are you here?”

  He’d been watching her progress and been angrily impressed by it. He knew now that he should have fought harder to keep her. She would have turned out to be one hell of an asset to him after all. Some of his ties were turning shaky. One of the people who had heavily funded his campaign by using several holding companies had recently come under suspicion. If the Justice Department decided to investigate, Jordan was afraid that his connections to the man might place his career in jeopardy. There were kickbacks that would be difficult to explain and the man had ties to organized crime. Jordan knew he needed more weight in his corner. Someone who could pull real strings. He needed the aura of a wife and family. Most of all he needed the influence that Roger Brady could exert on his behalf.