Choices (A Woman's Life)

by Marie Ferrarella

  Jordan smiled broadly at Shanna as he took her hand. “To see my daughter, my wife.”

  Shanna yanked her hand away and looked at him coldly. “Your ex-wife. I’ve been your ex-wife for three years now.” She tried to move away from him, but he followed. She felt like prey being stalked. She shoved her hands into her pockets and fisted them to stop them from trembling. “As for your daughter, you never acknowledged her before. Why now? What kind of a game are you playing?”

  He looked around the apartment. If nothing else, she had always had good taste. He looked at her coyly over his shoulder. “No games, Shanna.” He indicated the sofa. “Mind if I sit?”

  “Yes, I mind.”

  The frost in her voice had no effect on him. He made himself at home, as if he’d always belonged there. “Sorry, can’t hear the rest of it. My ears clogged up after the ‘yes.’ Must be the weather.” He patted the seat next to him and waited for her to sit down.

  Shanna stood where she was. “It’s not charming anymore, Jordan.”

  He looked at her, his eyes stripping away her bravado the way he had always managed to subtly undermine her self-confidence. “I’m not trying to be charming, I’m trying to be honest.”

  She didn’t think he could be honest even if he wanted to be. And she knew he didn’t want to be. “Changed religions?”

  She’d gotten a lot harder to deal with, he thought, annoyed. He jumped to his feet and caught her hand as she turned away. “No, but I have changed.” He put on the sincerest expression he could manage.

  Remember what he did to you. Remember what you found out about him.

  She dug down for the wounds that had only recently healed. “Help me out here, what on the evolutionary scale comes after snake?”

  He grinned, amused. It was the same boyish grin that had her heart fluttering five years ago.

  No palpitations, no flutters. Nothing. There was a deadness in her now. Finally immune, she thought, after all this time. It was a relief, in a way, to have this confrontation and know she didn’t care anymore.

  “I deserve that,” he conceded, slowly rubbing his thumb along her wrist as he held her hand firmly in his. “That and more. I was a fool back then, a stupid fool who was desperately trying to get somewhere.”

  There had never been anything stupid about him. Jordan had known exactly what he was doing every step of the way. She was trying to forget, but she would never forgive. “And now?”

  She was weakening. He knew it would only be a matter of minutes. He looked soulfully in her eyes. “Now I’m a man who sees what he’s lost.”

  Bravo. Nicely done. “Please, Jordan, before I ‘lose’ my dinner.” She tried to pull her hand free, giving him a contemptuous look. To her he was the lowest form of life and she regretted with all her heart that he was Jessica’s father.

  Jordan wouldn’t let her free. He tightened his grip on her hand, even though his expression remained contrite. “I should have never let you go.”

  It’s not working, Jordan, I’m over you. I’ve had my shots.

  “As I recall, ‘let’ had nothing to do with it. I ran.”

  She pushed against his chest. The movement surprised him and he let her go. All right, he’d go slower. Her resistance was a revelation to him. He would have thought that after all this time, she’d jump at the chance to get back together. Unless she was getting action from somewhere else.

  The thought annoyed him.

  Though he hadn’t wanted her at the time, the fact that she did walk out had stung his pride. “You wouldn’t have if I hadn’t wanted you to.”

  A walking, rutting egotist, she thought, loathing the very sight of him. How could she have been so damn blind and sold herself out for the likes of him? “Still twisting things, aren’t you?”

  His patience was getting thin. This was supposed to have been easy. The wounds had healed. He was supposed to apologize and she’d fall into his arms, eager for a second go at the marriage. “Shanna. I want you back.”

  C’mon, Reid, where are you? “Why?”

  He spread his hands wide. The matter should be evident to someone with her mentality. Though he had kept close tabs on her progress these last few months, he was confident that once a mouse, always a mouse. “I want to be a family, a real family again.”

  “What ‘again’?” How could he say things like that and not choke on his own words? “Need something for the annual Christmas card this year? Naked women aren’t cutting it anymore?”

  He had to remember that he needed her father, he told himself, curbing the desire to strike her. “You’ve become a hard woman.”

  She raised her chin. “Maybe someone made me that way. Maybe I did learn something from being married to you after all.”

  She moved away from him again, trying hard not to appear as unsettled as she felt. Maybe it was good to clear the air, once and for all, and tell Jordan what she thought of him. But she would have felt a great deal more confident if someone else had been in the room with them.

  He wouldn’t let her get away. Each step she took he matched. Frustrated, he reached for her. If he could just get her in bed, the matter would be settled. This time he’d use patience, whatever it took to get her to be submissive to him. It was his only chance to beat the rap he felt was coming. “I liked you better the other way.”

  When she thought of herself the way she was in those days, she was almost physically ill. “Of course you did. A rug you could wipe your feet on.”

  He shook his head, gliding his fingers along her cheek. “A woman I could depend on.” He was backing her into a corner.

  She slapped his hand away and momentarily saw anger flash in his eyes before he controlled it. “Depend. Funny word coming from you. There was a time I thought I could depend on you.”

  “You can,” he assured her, his voice low, seductive. “Now.”

  A tiny piece of her wished it could have all been different. But she knew better now. Wishing never made anything so. And leopards never changed their spots. The trite saying was grounded in reality.

  “Yes, I can depend on you. Depend on you to lie, to cheat and to try anything you can to get ahead. Your goal was the presidency, wasn’t it? What better image than a reconciliation in your past? A re-alliance to the Brady family. And the Brady money.”

  No, his goal was survival and she might be the only key. Damn the bitch’s cynicism. “You have every right to be suspicious,” he began, running his hands along her arms.

  Reid, she wanted Reid. Where was he? Outside, the rain beat hard against the window and lightning suddenly creased the sky. What if he didn’t come? How was she going to get rid of Jordan on her own?

  “I’m not suspicious. I know.”

  The little bitch had gotten stubborn. He hadn’t counted on that at all. “Shanna, what do I have to do to convince you I’m serious? I’ll do anything.” Holding her against him, he began to lower his mouth to hers. “Just say the word and I’ll do it.”

  She turned her head just as he was about to kiss her, his mouth landing in her hair. “Drink a cup of hemlock.”

  He wanted to choke her. But for the moment he let her go. “What?’

  She took the opportunity to move to the other side of the piano. “Or try throwing yourself on your sword. The Japanese had a custom. Hara-kiri. Death with honor. It’d be a new experience for you.”

  She was talking crazy. “I’ve no intention of experiencing death.”

  She narrowed her eyes scornfully. “I was talking about honor.”

  Enough of this pussyfooting around. She was his if he wanted her, damn it. Why didn’t she just admit it? “Shanna, I love you.”

  Though panic was mounting within her, she looked him squarely in the eye. “Jordan, the only one you ever loved was the image that you saw in your mirror every morning. Now I really don’t know why you’re here, but I know it has something to do with furthering the future of that image and I am not interested. I don’t want you dead, I just want you o
ut of my life, permanently. That means out of my apartment. Now.” She gritted her teeth as his grip on her arms tightened.

  “I want you, Shanna,” he breathed against her. She could feel his loins begin to pulse as he pressed her against the wall. His eyes took on a dangerous light. “No woman ever walked out on me. Ever. I do the walking and I’ve walked into your life again. Get used to the idea.”

  The grin that came over his face now was sardonically evil. How could she have ever thought he was handsome? And how could she have ever loved him?

  He rubbed his pelvis against her insistently. “Maybe after you’ve sampled a little of what you’ve been missing, you’ll change your mind—“

  He disgusted her. She felt dirty just being touched by him. “I was missing it even as you jerked spasmodically over me.”

  Rage took over, breaking his resolve. The pressure he was living with had gotten to be too much. “Why you sanctimonious little bitch!”

  Jordan raised his hand to hit her. Suddenly they were pitched into darkness as the lights in the apartment went out. Shanna jerked her knee up. Jordan let out a surprised, anguished yell.

  He fell with a thud to the floor. “Bitch!” he bit off, moaning. “You’re going to pay for that.”

  Chapter 28

  “Mama, where are you?”

  Jessica’s frightened cry echoed in the shadows of the apartment. Adrenaline spurted through Shanna’s veins. Her baby. She had to go to her baby. “I’m coming, Jessica. Mommy’s coming.”

  Jordan, huddled in pain on the floor, managed to grab Shanna’s ankle as she quickly turned toward the cry. Thrown off balance, she lurched forward. Shanna fell hard and hit her forehead against the arm of the sofa. Although it was well padded, it was firm. The impact jarred her head, slamming her mouth shut and making her catch the tip of her tongue between her teeth. She tasted blood.

  “The hell you are.” Jordan’s voice was menacing. “You’re staying right here.” He grappled with her as she fought frantically to get away. In the background, Jessica’s cries for her continued. Jordan ignored them. “What is it? You’ve been getting it regularly from somebody else, is that it?”

  Though she scratched and clawed, she couldn’t get away. He wrestled her until she was under him. “Miss Goody Two-Shoes has been screwing for someone else, is that why you don’t want me?”

  Jordan’s breath was hot on her face and she struggled to escape his hold. “I don’t want you because you disgust me, Jordan! Now let me go!” Gaining a little space, she yanked with all her might. He fell on her again, pressing her down with his weight.

  Desperate, she braced her hands against his chest and tried to wriggle free. The flashlight in her pocket dug into her thigh. For a moment she stopped struggling, letting him believe that she had given up. She snaked her hand into her pocket.

  Jordan pivoted himself on his hands, looming over her. “Good, you’ve finally come to your senses.” His voice had an evil, triumphant smirk. “I knew you couldn’t resist.”

  Swinging with all her might, she hit him on the side of the head, slicing him. Screaming, stunned with the blow, Jordan fell back.

  Shanna scrambled to her feet just as the front door swung open, crashing against the opposite wall. The light from the flashlight the man in the doorway held almost blinded her for a moment, but Shanna ran toward it, knowing she had to be safer there than with Jordan.

  A sob broke free as she focused on the man’s face. “Reid!”

  With one arm around her protectively, Reid shone the light on the figure sprawled on the floor. “What the hell’s going on here?”

  Jordan touched his temple. His fingers felt sticky. Blood. Rage boiled within him, but he managed to get himself under control. His eyes on the two in the doorway, he knew he had to act calmly. He took out his handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed it at his wound. There was nothing but contempt in his eyes when he looked at Reid.

  “Nothing much. Just a little misunderstanding,” he told him. “Is this the reason?” he asked Shanna. “Is he why you’re turning your back on me?”

  Her insides were quaking. Any moment now, she felt that her entire body would be shaking spasmodically. Needing comfort, she moved even closer against Reid.

  “What happened between us is three years old, Jordan. Reid has nothing to do with it.” She made herself look at the man she had once loved. “You have everything to do with it.”

  Jordan was unconvinced. No woman would turn him down if he asked her. There had to be something more. He rose to his feet. “A two-bit, would-be speech writer?” He turned toward Reid. “How are you doing, Kincannon? Is this why you left me?” He smirked, waving his hand at Shanna. “To have a go at her? Easy pickings, wasn’t she?”

  Without a moment’s thought, Reid dropped the flashlight and swung hard at Jordan’s face. The flashlight cast a wild, dizzying arc against the wall and ceiling as it hit the floor. Jordan crumpled down at almost the same moment.

  Reid rubbed his left hand over his knuckles before picking up the flashlight. His knuckles were stinging. He didn’t even give the unconscious man a second glance. “They always make that look so easy in the movies.”

  Gratitude and relief mingled with confusion as Shanna let out a shaky breath. The baby was still crying for her. “I have to go to Jessica.” She picked up the bloodied flashlight she had used as a weapon and shone it down the hallway. Just then the lights came on again. She switched off the flashlight.

  “It’s okay baby,” Shannon called, hurrying down the hall.

  With the lights back on, Jessica was beginning to calm down. She looked at her mother, bewildered. “Voices, Mama. Jessie hear voices.”

  She couldn’t show Jessica how upset she was. Fear, disruption, chaos were all things that Shanna fought hard to keep out of her daughter’s daily life. She smoothed the covers down around her slowly. “Nightmares, honey. Nothing more, just nightmares.”

  Jessica looked around her room, her eyes already starting to close again. “The lights.” She yawned, pointing at her lamp.

  “Blinked,” Shanna said quickly, then smiled. “They were winking at you. It’s okay now.” Her voice was calm, reassuring. Jessica was already more than half-asleep. “The magic lamp’ll protect you and Mr. Reid’ll keep you company.” She tucked the rabbit in next to the little girl. “I’ll be in the other room, honey, talking to someone.” She touched her lips to Jessica’s forehead. “Pleasant dreams, sweetheart.”

  Shanna eased out of her daughter’s bedroom. Her heart was still pounding hard against her rib cage. She looked down at her clothing. Her skirt was torn where Jordan had tried to rip it from her. She covered her face with her hands and bit back the sob that rose up in her throat.

  Don’t let go. Don’t let go.

  Regaining her composure to some extent, Shanna returned to the living room. Jordan was still lying on the floor, unconscious. She looked at Reid. “What are we going to do with him?”

  He knew what he’d like to do, but there were consequences for that. He put his arm around her. She looked white as a sheet. He saw the torn skirt for the first time and rage flared all over again.

  “Murder comes to mind, but it won’t look good on your record to have your father’s speech writer kill your ex-husband.”

  He took stock. “Pour him into a cab, I guess.” Reid kept his voice calm for her sake. “What did he want from you?”

  Shanna closed her eyes, wondering when the memory of this evening would fade away. “To pick up where we left off.”

  It didn’t make sense to Reid. “Why? Why would he come now instead of sooner?” She was trembling, he realized, tightening his arm around her.

  “I have no idea.” She looked at Reid. They had to clear up something. Now, or she would have no peace. “What did he mean, Reid?”

  Reid didn’t know what she was referring to. “What did he mean by what?”

  Shanna moved aside, a chill taking hold of her. “Saying that you quit your job wit
h him to come to work for my father in order to get a ‘shot’ at me.” Uncertainty gnawed at her belly as she rubbed her arms, trying to drive away the cold. “Did you hit him because you were angry or because you wanted to keep him quiet?”

  Reid’s eyes darkened dangerously, but he took no step toward her. “You have to ask?”

  She was shaking and no longer knew what to believe. She needed to be reassured. Jordan had come back into her life, and suddenly there were snakes everywhere. “Yes, I think I do.”

  “I told you, I have no political ambitions.” Reid’s voice was even as he controlled his anger.

  “But I am well off,” she reminded him. She had lived with that curse all her life, never knowing if someone was with her because of herself, or because of her family, her money.

  For a brief moment his patience snapped. Reid grabbed her arms, wanting to shake her, wanting to shake sense into her head. But he did nothing but hold her arms.

  “Have I ever asked you for anything? Ever?” he repeated, his tone harsh.

  She pressed her lips together to keep them from trembling. Tell me I’m wrong, Reid. Please tell me I’m wrong. I want to be wrong. “Maybe you’re the patient kind.”

  He looked at her, angry, hurt. “Shanna, if you believe that, then all the time we’ve spent together has been meaningless.” He let her go and turned away.

  Pain ate at her. Jordan’s insinuations had hit a raw, exposed nerve that had never healed properly. If Reid had nothing to hide, why hadn’t he told her about Jordan before? He knew she had been married to him. “Why didn’t you tell me you worked for him?”