The Unexpurgated Code

by J. P. Donleavy

  Beginning Your Daily Adult Day

  Start with a good night’s sleep which is usually made more restful by hanky panky with the old lady or in wrestling with some new carefully selected piece imported for an occasional change. But be careful a thunderous finale with the latter does not knock the pastoral peace out of your bowels.

  Your cheerfully decorated breakfast tray should be seryed as near to eight a.m. each morning as possible along with one upper class and one lower class newspaper to get a balanced view of the news. The fare should be ample, slowly consumed and accompanied by melodic symphonic music. Honey, whole-meal bread and delicately flavoured butters do much to enhance the light breakfast, whereas buckwheat cakes, maple syrup, sausage and bacon act as centre pieces for the more robust repast. Coffee, tea and other beverages should be of their natural best and in no circumstances ersatz.

  Beauty in the forenoon prolongs life and benefits one to stomach annoyances during the rest of the day by putting one in better mien which in turn tempers acrimony elsewhere in the world. If park lands, fields and cattle are not available, then breakfast should be taken while overlooking a garden or flowered terrace from which people other than those tending it, are excluded. In utterly restricted urban circumstances a tastefully illuminated screen with a suitable scene will do. Especially where deliberate unsightliness has been provided by your nearby thoroughly loutish neighbour.

  Toilet

  Breakfast should continue until the gentle stirring of the bowel beckons. This ought always to be the most profound moment of your day. With your entire body corporate at total ease. It is expedient the crapularium be provided with selected reading matter concerning one of your more favourite subjects. And have close at hand a cool taint free glass of water. All household noises should either be extinguished or kept to a minimum. Do not let telephones, tax returns, marriage partners or spirited offspring interfere with your utter calm at this time. It is essential you or your servants make sure all doors and entrances to your quarters are closed and firmly bolted. And until one is bathed, showered, dried and dressed, no displeasing matters should be allowed to infringe one’s attention. A bell of course can be provided to be rung for the all clear when household activities may recommence.

  Your bath anointed with suitable oils must be drawn with the temperature just allowing for some additional hot water. Your immersion should always last until such time as you feel inclined to shampoo your hair. Following which private parts are then washed boisterously fore and aft. Dry yourself vigorously starting with the toes and then upwards over the rest of the body. Conduct this in the manner of a robust daily exercise.

  If abroad from your premises and suddenly forced to seek a crapularium available to others always carry an easily affixed OUT OF ORDER sign to avoid the horrendous aggravation caused by someone either banging to gain immediate entrance or getting down on their knees to start staring up at you from under the door at where you happen to be sitting shitting.

  Upon Clothing and Appearances

  The preservation of peace of mind should be foremost in providing for indoor or outdoor social intercourse and there is nothing more devastating to one’s optimism than being present in the right place in the wrong attire. But if sufficiently possessed of your own personal significance, you can make a whole bunch of other people at the gathering collectively feel wrong. Especially when they have the presumption to patronize you with overtures to make you feel right by approaching you at that magically convivial moment prior to heading in to dinner.

  ‘Hey I like your suit. Where are you going, to the races.’

  ‘Presently perhaps, but immediately beyond this point in time, you may find yourself wandering dumbfounded in search of your jaw.’

  Impertinence, cheek, nerve and sauce must without preamble or argument be thoroughly stamped upon. And in order to highlight your true gent’s disposition in meeting with such insolence, always instruct your servant to provide some small blithesomeness, such as a nosegay, when laying out your day’s toggery. Polish your pate too with a soft cloth and if you are inconvenienced by hair, this should be vigorously brushed and a parting, which worn on the left during the day, should be worn on the right during the evening. This always acts as a test as to how observant and ultimately fond your friends are of you.

  With the single exception of when it is worn by a cattle breeder, the coloured bow tie although a nifty neck item should give cause to view the wearer with suspicion as a parvenu, a know it all and an extremely slippery customer. And all throat fripperies are to be avoided by any seriously intentioned chap taking up the position of long term gentleman. Flamboyancy however is not altogether to be forbidden, but ought nevertheless to be confined to one’s hanky, a mere contour of which should be showing. Anyone caught adopting a recent fashion before it is sufficiently abandoned as old hat is not to be countenanced. Nor are those who sport various tightnesses in the middle anatomy of their tailoring and take up wide footed stances right in front of one’s offended good breeding as if they were the bee’s knees instead of an ass’s arse.

  Upon Having One’s Ultimate Kit

  The fortified castle ranks first in residences as providing the last word in the matter of one’s appointments. Your drawbridge, moat and battlements put the loutish on immediate notice as to your wherewithal to dispense much what for to any of their let’s try that. However, more modest abodes containing certain principal prerequisites can still allow for the best in the pursuit of one’s comfortable habits.

  All estate walls and fences should be man proof. Folk whom you do not want to see always like to make themselves known nonetheless even to the extent of being chewed up by your hounds. For poachers, interlopers and the plain nosy who attempt a last desperate grab to haul themselves over your barricades, a load of buckshot tickling their fingernails can make them awfully nervous. Plus they begin to regard you with a new kind of hatred based upon look at all he’s got and I’ve got fuck all and he’d even kill me for less.

  It needs to be that your acreage is secluded by evergreenery so that neighbours cannot witness you dressing, undressing or handing your wife a deserved fist in the gob. Your front entrance should be flanked by gate lodges and your drive laid with suitable small stones of a blue grey tint which bang up under a vehicle’s mudguards. This gives your guests a sense of arrival and expectation which exceeds any disappointment felt when you send down word that you are not at home. Strategically located spying slits will provide a view of your rejected callers as well as a place from which to discharge fire and shot when required.

  It is an everyday essential that you are not importuned with tiresome matters till after you have sufficiently taken in the beauties and graces of your estate. The morning hour of ten thirty is a proper time to venture forth from personal chambers. Descend by the main staircase and pause to take in the seasonal floral displays on the landing. Following a stroll through the main reception rooms, observe the barometer readings in the front hall and take note of the wind direction from your wall indicator. Choose your walking stick, and with your secateurs in your pocket, exit and stand in front of your door. There you may remind yourself yet again of what fun it is to have such a lot of money.

  Beware to provide small pavilions where you can hide and meditate when finished taking flower cuttings and walking your forest pathways and gardens. And now with your appetite for lunch quickened, your first social intercourse of the day should take place. With music of some pomp and pleasant circumstance, your guests should be summoned to convene to a major room suitably outfitted with armour, trophies and even bogus ancestral pretensions. This not only awes visitors but allows you further chance to take your sense of self importance seriously. Nor is anything more exciting for a host than to hear from newcomers entering.

  ‘Jeese get a load of this.’

  Or in pukka.

  ‘I say, it’s too enchanting.’

  At guests’ arrivals or departures station your butler in the hall.
Two servants should attend outside at the mounting or dismounting of vehicles with one assigned to door opening and apparel arrangement and another to load or unload appurtenances. And upon their requirement, extra footmen ought to be taken from their weeding chores in the garden, as it is aggravating to get entangled reaching for something you cannot find in an enclosed small area of a vehicle or in pitching head first out of it with an umbrella or ski pole up where you do not want it.

  Nor is anything more inhospitable than letting a guest risk a rupture toting the big bags he’s brought. Unless of course the bugger is preparing for a long stay to test your largess to the limit or upon leavetaking is planning to remove a sampling of your silver as a memento. In which case your properly goggled and gaitered chauffeur presently tabulating mileage or scrutinizing his map for new scenic routes, should, as you do not want yourself to be fussed with such trivialities, slap a pair of silver handcuffs on the bastard and slam him down into your cellar dungeons to reflect upon future better manners.

  The tableau of shooting parties smashing woodcock out of the sky can ameliorate your lack of haughty particularity if you are not in the possession of white forest cattle for your parklands, or moorlands to provide deer stalking. Having a horse or two provides an excuse for your making an occasional socially worthwhile appearance in riding garb. However these creatures are notoriously unpredictable but with luck you’ll perhaps avoid the odd disagreeable experience of being thrown through your orangery windows with cacti spines intruding up your whammo scalammo.

  Although they encourage trespassers, small ponds, lakes, rivers and streams well stocked with bird and fish life add immeasurably to the elegant upholstery of your estate. Disconcertings do occur in climes where snapping turtles gobble down your prize ducks or the latter quack quack and shit all over your swimming pool. But except for venomous reptiles, the sight of rare or prized animals taking their ease will always get a stream of praising emphatics from your guests, in the avalanche of which you can be self effacingly modest.

  Indoors, make sure each wing is staffed fully and that there is ample athletic gear, and surfeit of towels, and facilities for squash, real tennis, ping pong and fencing. Roll the red, scare the squeamish and other daring nightly entertainments should also be catered for. A small theatre with footlights where charades may be played will thrill guests deprived of acting careers. Also encourage activities which call for a frequent change of clothing throughout the day. This not only allows for lecheries but prevents guests’ boredom with each other as they ornament themselves in new exciting colour changes and sartorial settings.

  Large roasts groaning on sideboards look well in country houses as do heapings of salads, fruits and vegetables. And dining off different dinner services plus your chef’s triumphs will keep visitors’ palates appetized. And in this respect do not overlook changes of your table silver and match covers. But no guest should be allowed to stay long enough so that he falters in the expression of his constant delight at the repeated splendours. Although it is to be permitted that between his outpourings of superlatives, he can, for the sake of seasoning, mildly inject a cautious word.

  With a frequent fresh new change of people, you as host can spout your same old stories and hackneyed statements, without unduly disorbiting your neurons in the search of something different. Accumulated years of this finally make you sound utterly endearing. Which in itself becomes yet another perfection. And it is but left now to make sure that the collective impact of impeccabilities does not obtrude to become an imperfection which in any way is the least bit tiresome.

  The upshot of your splendours in life reaching their zenith in this manner, is not only for the trembling pleasure to be had when guest book signing time comes with all the happily written signatures, but also the relief enjoyed in knowing that about you it may never be said, as it is often said about the poor slob who, in trying desperately to preserve appearances, has merely ended up with a broken social arse with the statement after his name.

  ‘He was rather without his kit, you know.’

  Visiting Your Banker

  At executive level your banker is a judge of men. And in order to present yourself as a credit worthy man of power and purpose it is necessary to demonstrate the proper respect due money, the source of so many pleasures. It is an occasion for simple conservative dark clothing. It is also worth all the discomfort and fuss to wear garters. You will realize this when you see your banker’s eyes frequently deflect downwards to assess the evenness with which your sock is pulled across your ankle. In addition to your shoes being black and plain and your laces leather, your suit ought not to be tight nor too striped.

  Always avoid the cold grey sweat on the forehead and upper lip as well as quivering and quakes. When handshaking, keep it just a jot less vigorous and not overly prolonged. And immediately seek out an architectural detail of the building to comment upon. Most better banks are rife with structural embellishments, and your banker who spends much time indoors, often enjoys a little informal discussion regarding his daily surroundings. Especially in these days of swindles, computer frauds and robberies which continue to keep banking a hazardous occupation. And it is wise as well as more gratifying, that before finding out how you stand financially, you first convince yourself that matters must be hopelessly appalling.

  One note of caution. Do not take your banker to an extremely expensive restaurant to there discuss an even bigger loan than you already have, as when you are finished lunching and have paid the enormous bill by cheque, your banker may in prudence upon his return to his office, stop payment on this.

  Visiting Your Bank

  At teller level this can be a distinctly uncomfortable habit as you can end up facing some smart aleck behind his or her shiny counter that you may have taken some time to reach after waiting in line. And it is now and again a rather nice touch to make these folk gasp at the astronomical amount of a deposit or withdrawal

  Insist upon your bank notes being crisp and clean and supplied in denominations which can provide for their convenient disbursement. In this demand be careful not to disturb the peace to such an extent that other tellers think there is a bank hold up in progress.

  At the Barber

  An unavoidable intimacy exists in the cutting of hair and your barber therefore should be carefully selected. Done fortnightly with warm moist anointments this is a nice way to spend a semi cloistered hour of late afternoon. And along with an attractive lady’s delicate hand fondling manicure, it allows for a spirit boosting pampering.

  It is your hair and head. So take immediate command of the situation from the beginning and announce your requirements in a firm unquavering voice. If you are desirous of a certain length of forelock or fullness about the ears, state these exactly. But remember it is very unchic to yell or scream should the barber take an unscheduled snip or cut into your surface skin. And it is just as effective to simply announce.

  ‘Jesus Christ Almighty, will you watch it please.’

  Or in pukka.

  ‘Good Lord, do be careful, you cunt.’

  But, many a further ignominy has been perpetrated due to overt nervousness of an hysterical kind occasioned when a barber who has taken an instant dislike to you momentarily thinks you may have underworld criminal connections. And you will get wind of his feelings if his automatic clipper suddenly slips and makes a gleaming highway right down the centre of your skull.

  Prolonged low growling is the most effective response to barbers who think they have all the very latest suitable styles for you up their sleeves which in ten minutes will make you look better than the stupid way he infers you’ve been looking all your life till now. But should the son of a bitch go so far as to intimate that he has cut the hair of numerous people better than you, this is heinous. And you are quite justified to assume your full standing position to straightaway bare your teeth and continue growling. Barbers on this kick are usually looking for an opening to further get smart and sassy with a patroni
zing sniff down their nose.

  ‘How do you want it styled, sir.’

  ‘I should like it styled to look as if I did not just have a haircut given me by some inept bastard just cashiered from Barber College.’

  ‘Hey what an attitude. Would sir then like the most recent style.’

  ‘An old style will do.’

  ‘I see, well if that’s how sir wants it.’

  ‘That’s exactly how sir wants it.’

  As many murders have been committed by scissors and razors and with your jugular right there at his elbow, it is essential that a barber be watched for quiver, stagger, wibble wabble or other telltale signs of mental instability. A mere slip about the ear or a trembling indecision across the throat could spell if not the end, then a particularly unpleasant maiming. And do not be lulled into political or religious discussions. Which, since you are sitting there stupidly enveloped from the neck down in a white sheet, or worse, adjusted backwards reclining and ready for a close shave over the adam’s apple, really places you at a terrible disadvantage.

  However, despite the fear that one might inadvertently awaken any manic tendencies in one’s tonsorial attendant, be not so intimidated that you do not insist upon proper precautions being taken to prevent clippings seeping down your neck, shampoo being smeared in your eye, waters too hot or cold being doused on your head, the hair drier scorching your skull, your scalp sproutings being loosed in handfuls with an application of the barber’s own special preparation to cure your dandruff, or your ears being burned in attempts to singe your hair ends with a flame to stop them splitting. In the end it might be better, if she values your life more than your appearance, to let your presently enjoyed female companion cut your hair and not risk the temperamental whims of an artisan clique notoriously prone to being set off in explosive bouts of butchering mayhem.