The Unexpurgated Code

by J. P. Donleavy

  At the Chiropodist

  Footwork is always of the utmost importance and most often needed when least expected. And it is essential that your tootsies proceed upon all surfaces without discomfort. A professional should always be consulted upon the toenails being required to be shortened. At the same time, corns, callouses and other bumps on the foot may be dealt with and it is de rigueur that you feign interest while you hear a discourse concerning the skeletal structure of the foot. As you will usually receive attendance in their little cubicles your hosiery should be fresh and your feet free from stink.

  The Shoeshine

  Where this has not already been given by your hotel, manservant or wife, it should be undertaken as soon as possible following your stepping out of doors in the city. Seek a practitioner who takes pride in his work and avoid those who smear unmatching leather lacquers and waxes along your socks. To encourage the best from the artist, look admiringly down at pleasant intervals to assess the progress of the shine. Providing you are wary not to walk smack into an obstruction, the perambulating appearance of your gleaming shoe tips as you put your best foot forward is yet another way in which the spirit is uplifted and attests to your gentleman’s haughty particularity.

  At the Porno Show

  When this is a film, be careful upon entering the cinema to see that your flies are securely closed and then wait at the back until your eyes are sufficiently accustomed to the dark so that you can see where you are going. Your behaviour here is important as you will be surrounded by college professors, corporation executives, members of the peerage, celebrated society figures and socially registered folk. To brush up against someone, perhaps a member of your country club, stimulated beyond control, could lead to an embarrassing engrapplement blocking the view of people sitting behind. When such a confrontation does occur, it is proper for you both to remove quickly to the back of the cinema where, under an exit light, the two of you can stand fervently in a prolonged dialogue of explanation.

  Upon finding a suitable row of seats, preferably where no one else is sitting, make your way slowly into this. Avoid rows where someone appears to be playing with something in his lap. Keep your eyes off the screen until you’ve actually taken your seat to escape being suddenly mesmerized by an extremely saucy antic. And make sure that all roving hands and other people’s fingers are absent from where you are about to sit. For even your attempt to twist an appendage painfully back out of your way in the direction of its owner can be misinterpreted as an invite to a little furtive sadism. For single folk who do not want to be annoyed or otherwise interfered with, a big spoon together with a large carton of ice cream is an ideal cooler when dolloped upon some interloper’s head.

  It is not nice to groan loudly with pleasure at a particular scene which especially excites you. Others who may not be lusting in the same way will openly resent it. Plus, your groans instead of being recognized as genuine sexual craving, may instead be taken for a heart attack, the frequency of which is quite marked in porno shows.

  During live dirty exhibitions on stage, the performers should be accorded the usual courtesies given legitimate theatrical actors. One should not talk in the audience, chew gum loudly, make a noisy entrance or leave before the final spectacle. Such disgustingly filthy theatricals require immense emotional fortitude and craft where a lack of sincerity can lead to a total collapse in performance. Do not demand excessive encores or curtain calls as these sometimes can so exhaust the leading man that he finally needs a stretcher to get him off the stage.

  There is a time and place for everything and when accompanied by a companion, don’t grope in each other’s lap no matter how uncontrollably stimulated. This is unfair competition to the players whose own caprices may at that moment require an audience’s undivided attention. And your nearby fellow socialites, many of whom will abhor this behaviour, may also look upon it as being very bootless and unhorsed. Leading as it might to a wild grabbing clothing tearing mêlée, with the entire audience losing not only their modesty but any patrician demeanours they were seen to possess on admission. Needless to say, such occasions become pickpockets’ jamborees.

  At the Massage Parlour

  To make what otherwise might be an embarrassing outing into a pleasant one, it is as well, as with most things in life, if you keep your place in respect of attending these. And do not go if it means you are travelling some distance upwards or downwards out of your price or social range.

  The best time to choose for an excursion, especially as it makes for a striking contrast, is following a black tie dinner at your club. Upon digestion being complete, take with you only as much money as you think you will need. Upon removal of your club insignia and decorations, carry yourself purposefully and erect into the premises and do not be furtive nor apologetic. As since when was it a crime to get your rocks off.

  Where there is a choice of ladies, don’t dilly dally changing your mind about five times. Before any stripping occurs discuss terms and services. Drive a firm hard bargain. As you undress, although you should relax and enjoy, do not strew your clothing all over the place or behave in an obstreperous manner. But as you are paying a fee for services don’t vacillate in demanding the full degree and nature of the sauciness you have negotiated for. And never accept a bored tired couldn’t care less attitude, even though you may be your hostess’s forty fourth client that day.

  To start the ball rolling, especially if you’re unbearably nervous and shy, it is permissible to use the old fashioned inquiry.

  ‘What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this.’

  Although considered hackneyed it is always a hopefully flattering way to begin your conversation. But should she reply.

  ‘Making money out of hard up jerks like you.’

  Don’t hesitate to show your injured feelings, following which you will often get a further response usually describing the support of parentless younger brothers and sisters back home. Or the pursuit of her own studies in the fields of zoology, anthropology and the fine arts, that is, if she is not helping her husband to get through medical school.

  In your physical graspings, behave suavely. Do not paw her but instead inquire with a civil tongue.

  ‘How about a feel baby.’

  Or in pukka.

  ‘Mademoiselle, may I in a prehensile manner familiarize with a choice contour of your arse.’

  Should she shrink from your suggestion.

  ‘Don’t take liberties with the merchandise you old fart and speak English.’

  You are perfectly entitled to plaintively plead.

  ‘Come on give the boy a treat.’

  Upon the lady flattering you as to the considerable dimensions of your engorged private appurtenance.

  ‘Gee dad, yours is really something.’

  A gentleman umpires such compliments by a referral to known authorities on the matter.

  ‘According to Gray’s Anatomy I am only modestly oversized.’

  In surprise confrontations with a relative or someone you know from back home who may be plying her trade and is assigned to you as a customer, much spiritual distress can be prevented if you both recognize immediately that you are just two human beings caught up in a very human situation. And who knows, by letting come what may, this nice little additive of familiarity may breed more satisfaction than it does contempt.

  Upon Saucy Assemblages

  Although the quality of the enjoyment can be best estimated when the frivolity shows signs of sweatiness, it is proper when invited, to come well bathed.

  If the naughty consortium is happening in a climate where the folk are not already nude, then upon the other guests’ removing their clothes, it is to be preferred that if your body is not beautiful, for you to wait till the gathering is sufficiently roused by bodies that are, and then disrobe in as tantalizing manner as possible. If your clothes in the process are ripped from you, consider this entirely flattering. But naturally everyone will make a bee line for the most bea
utiful bodies. Do not be dispirited by this. Merely tarry till there is general engripment and then make your approach and have upon the part or parts you fancy. Should someone else be using it, firmly squeeze in close and await your opportunity. Do not grab, shove or tear. This can cause pain if not injury to someone elsewhere in the mêlée who in turn could maim another especially by biting. Remember that for the most part the cohesiveness of the naked entanglement is achieved by the most delicate of interlockings, the abrupt breaching of which could result in a wholesale cacophony of pain.

  During these gratifyingly humanitarian conflagrations of lust a sense of total involvement with everyone putting their backs into it is at all times to be desired. But when something highly distasteful is being perpetrated upon you, it is permitted to object.

  ‘Hey cut that out.’

  Or in pukka.

  ‘O my god, how horrid.’

  But show your sportsmanship with a little fake laughter which will also prevent your opponent taking offence. However, should this be interpreted in the heat of the moment as encouragement, a hard sock of the fist is usually required to knock some kind of courteous restraint into your antagonist, especially where the latter is already driven wild by the debauch.

  Upon attaining your orgasm, it is ill mannered to simply he back luxuriating in your own selfish purple contentment while someone somewhere is still desperately struggling to reach theirs. And always be ready to good naturedly lend a hand or the appropriate part of your anatomy where needed. Often this can have the favourable effect of reexciting you. But do try to recognize when you have had enough. There is nothing more unflattering than to see someone gormlessly groaning and flapping about still seeking one last thrill which is quite beyond them to enjoy.

  As such intense paroxysmal group excitement admits to much physical invasion of privacy with the attendant risk occasioned thereby to jewellery, cash, bonds not to mention other movable assets, folk are advised to confine their orgiastic shenanigans to people similarly socially situated and where possible, restrict themselves to the confines of their estates. And to further make sure that their household policy fully indemnifies them against guest injury which is bound to come from the abandoned antics and all kinds of wild negligence present especially in swimming pool frolics.

  Indoor servants in attendance upon these foregathered caressings should wear livery if not attired in their usual household garb. But in undertakings where their nakedness is required, a suitably identifying mask decorated with your racing colours may be worn covering the face. But a note of warning here. Undue familiarity with members of your staff in the pursuit of such prurient doings in large households can lead to a chronic breakdown in servant discipline. Especially among the better looking of your retinue who may on becoming a sudden object of attraction turn shirty and take signal liberties in the most outrageous ways throughout the mansion and in their final insolence will sometimes stop working altogether. When such a situation obtains do not leave your wine cellar keys or cheque books lying around.

  In the Proximity of the Horse

  Horses are dangerous creatures and should be treated with respect at all times. Never stand near their heels trying to show how used to horses you are. It is a good way to take a fast gallop to kingdom come. Keep your face, shoulders and hands out of biting distance. Not only can this quadruped remove such appendages but also by rearing skywards give you a fatal trouncing with forelegs.

  But upon this animal you can ride into and enjoy almost any indoor or outdoor society, and those into which you can’t canter are only worth considering if you’ve got some intellect. Having the replica of a horse on your tie, cufflinks, motor car or head scarf helps lend you a nonchalant air of superiority which can be further enjoyed when it infuriates those bootless and unhorsed.

  As your obsession with the equine animal continues to develop, along with increased indulgence of the allied sports of racing and riding to hounds, you can finally even become totally intolerant of folk who profess other interests in life. Which should give you plenty of time to oversee the polishing of your tack, the cleaning out of your stables and the grooming and foddering of your horses.

  By buying the world’s best steeds you provide not only very racy social pursuits in various members’ enclosures, paddocks or bars but chaps who would otherwise not give you a smell of the steam off an infrequently worn sock, will upon your having a winner, nod and smile to you after the race. And when your mares foal you can expect many appreciative and expectant oohs and ahs from your friends.

  Horse induced injury entitles you to a kind of unforgettable fellowship from your other horsey folk. It is not unknown for a chap on his crutches to give your crutches a friendly bang with his. And there is nothing more approved of than the sight of you departing a great country house with your equine bowed decrepit legs feebly carrying you tottering down the front steps followed by the admiring glances of other presently uncrippled members of the hunt in the doorway. It is also a nice touch if the one or two hounds you constantly keep in the back of your car, howl with welcome at your infirm approach.

  At the Stud Sale

  This auction arena requires one to be suitably dressed and wool in the form of cavalry twill or tweed is the customary fabric. Any flashy recent urban style will, as it ought, be the object of silent ridicule.

  Having taken your seat around the sales ring, two matters require attention. Firstly, when a horse being paraded in the enclosure manures, it is refined to look down at your catalogue. But upon the man so assigned coming with his tray to collect up the droppings, it is permissible to witness this skilful process.

  The second matter is in regard to stallions’ erections. Often as these temperamental creatures are led in they pick up the stimulating whiff of a muskily beautiful woman seated ringside. And it is not done for a gentleman at such times to overtly stare at the lady to see if she is watching the massively huge engorgement. Although it is permissible to glance over the upper rim of your sales catalogue to see which other ladies are looking. And since stud fees earned by these horses are often far more than can be obtained by most chaps for similar duties, women who turn their attention away at such times are advised that this may spread not only the impression that they have a distaste for one of the most important parts of their husband’s or boyfriend’s anatomy but also that they don’t know what horse breeding is all about.

  At the Races

  It is highly unchic to be late for the races. Always dress, shower and cohabit in time. Providing a private box for yourself and friends where you can all drink, eat and cavort in comfort is stylish. As are visits to the paddock prior to each race. Where you can make sure the horse you are placing a bet on shows no overt signs of sleepiness or incapacitation, and also this little excursion gives you a chance to rub shoulders with other less affluent race goers who love to gawk at the horse proud likes of you giving last minute instructions to your jockey.

  Betting should be done in an offhand manner and for the fun of it. It is rude to gamble and attempt to gain thereby or to get hysterically enraged or thoroughly dispirited when you lose. But if you are one of those lucky persons who come up with one winner after another this can cause severe resentment among your friends especially when you can’t muster the self control to not guffaw in their faces as they consistently are taken to the cleaners.

  Upon overhearing any rapidly spreading unpleasant gossip about a certain lady at the track, this is your moment to be elite. Raise your eyebrows, and if you are wearing a fedora, put your head back so that more light reflects upon your face and state in no uncertain terms to the shabby cad disseminating the vile lip.

  ‘Sir I don’t know how you come to be, but you are in polite society. Please don’t therefore give me cause to knock you down or, should we, protocol forbid, ever be too close for me to punch I shall then tweak your nose.’

  Upon Choosing Your Racing Colours

  As these hues can have social ramifications do be car
eful about your choice. It is preferred to be practical rather than ultra stylish. Although there are lots of your upstart yaboes who will attempt to make a splash brandishing their dyes. And thereby outrage old established racing families whose colours have graced the better tracks and public horse events for many years.

  Upon being accosted in places where you are sedately sporting your colours upon your person and a disdaining irate dowager finger points with the accusation.

  ‘Six you are wearing my ancestors’ racing colours.’

  You may, since this is quite an untoward reflection upon you, reply in rough house.

  ‘Get stuffed sister.’

  Or should you feel the complainant so entitled, respond in ultra pukka.

  ‘Forgive me madam, but I am hopelessly colourblind and upon your pointing out in detail the offending chromatics I will tear same if not suddenly from my person, then most immediately upon the first most decent opportunity.’

  Upon Entering Your Horse for the Derby

  Do not do this unless your nag is really ready for the big one. To have your horse lag hopelessly about eight lengths behind as an also ran, last to last, is a heinous bit of mortification certainly deserved and certainly increased by the many of your racing friends who will never forgive nor forget this piece of arrogant albeit mettlesome wishful thinking.