Between Sinners And Saints

by Marie Sexton

  "Here?" Levi asked. "Or do you want to see the sky?"

  Jaime's voice was soft and hopeful. "Sky."

  "Good choice." Still holding his Jaime's hand, Levi led him toward the open side of the back yard, away from the swing set that had been there since he was a boy. There were a lot of tall trees in the back yard, but he knew there was a spot near the back of the yard and it would afford them a clear view through the branches.

  He stopped when he got there and spread out his bag, and Jaime followed suit, and they climbed into them. It reminded Levi of a hundred different times he had done this as a kid, with one of his brothers or sisters. Sometimes with all of them. Dolly lay down on Jaime's other side, and Levi looked up past the trees at a tiny patch of sky. They couldn't see many stars, but a silver sliver of moon floated above them.

  Jaime sighed, sounding content. "This was a good idea."

  Levi smiled. "I thought so, too."

  "I haven't slept outside since..." His words trailed away as he thought about it. "Since the summer before my senior year of high school." The way he said it was odd. Sad, and yet with a hint of fondness.

  Levi turned toward him, propping his head up so he could look at him, although it was too dark to read his expression. He could see just enough to know Jaime was staring up at the moon. It was so rare for Jaime to volunteer information about his past. He waited, wondering if he would have to prod him to get him to say more, but after a minute, Jaime started talking again.

  "It was a lot like this, actually," he said. "My friend Craig knew I had nightmares. Sometimes he'd invite me over, and we'd sleep in his back yard." Jaime stayed on his back, but turned his face toward him, and Levi resisted the urge to lean closer in an attempt to read his expression. "Did you ever read Christine?"

  The apparent change of subject surprised him. "By Stephen King? No."

  "I read it when I was sixteen, and I always felt like I was Arnie and he was Dennis. I was the loser, and he was the popular kid who somehow ended up being my friend." He looked back up at the night sky. "He lived around the block from me, so I'd see him a lot in the summer. He had a lot of friends, though, and girlfriends. Once school started, I'd kind of fade away."

  "That's shitty," Levi said.

  In the low light, Levi could barely see Jaime's shrug. "Not really. It wasn't like he was an asshole or anything. He had a life. And I didn't. But he was the best friend I had back then." He stopped for a minute, then said, even more quietly, "Especially that year. Sleeping in his back yard is the only thing about Cleveland I've ever missed."

  The way he said it sparked a twinge of jealousy in Levi. "You were in love with him."

  "I guess I was. I didn't really think of it in those terms at the time, but yeah. I used to live for those nights."

  "So what happened?"

  "Same thing that happens to everybody at that age. We graduated; he went to OSU, and I came down here."

  "And that's it?" Levi asked.

  "That's it." He turned toward Levi again. "I haven't seen him since."

  "I'm so sorry, Jaime." He knew as soon as the words were out if his mouth he shouldn't have said them.

  "For what?" Jaime asked in surprise.

  For not being there. For not meeting you sooner. For not protecting you all those years ago. But of course, he couldn't say any of those things.

  Jaime watched him silently. Now his eyes had adjusted to the dark, Levi could barely make out the features of his pale face--his strong jaw and soft lips. His eyes were lost in shadows. And suddenly, Levi wanted him so much, it took his breath away. He'd grown used to being close to Jaime, even sleeping in the same bed without letting his feelings get the best of him. But now, lying in the moonlight in his parents' back yard, he felt he couldn't stand to wait another minute. He ached for him.

  They were in separate bags, with less than a foot of space between them. He imagined leaning across the gap. He imagined kissing Jaime, claiming the softness of his lips, stealing his breath. He imagined feeling Jaime's arms around his neck, and he felt his body respond.

  He wanted to kiss Jaime's neck, to whisper in his ear. The bags would be between them. Was it possible that would give Jaime the barrier he needed to feel safe? Even as he thought it, Levi knew he wanted more. He wanted to unzip Jaime's bag and slip his hands inside. He wanted to feel Jaime's skin against his fingertips. He wanted to slide his hand under his waistband, to cup his soft, round ass in his hands, to pull his slim body tight against him. He wanted to hear Jaime gasp, to make him squirm, to hear him moan. He wanted to slide down his body, to suck him deep into his mouth, to feel Jaime's fingers clench in his hair. He wanted to make him come undone.

  He had to try. He had to risk it. He reached out, moving his hand slowly across the grass toward Jaime. He wanted to touch Jaime's hair and run his fingertip down his cheek. If that didn't scare him away, it would be easy to lean closer. His heart pounded in his chest as he anticipated feeling Jaime's lips against his.

  But before he made contact, Jaime sighed sleepily. "Goodnight, Levi," he said, turning away. He rolled onto his side and snuggled against Dolly, who slept on his other side. "Thanks for bringing me out here."

  Levi bit back the sigh of frustration threatening to escape. "Goodnight," he said. He flopped onto his back, his heart in his throat, his cock hard and aching inside his bag.

  And he resolved once again to wait.

  * * * *

  He woke to the sound of birds singing, and the distant drone of a lawnmower. Curled inside his sleeping bag, his body was warm, but the morning air was cold against his face. His lower back and his left hip hurt. It had been a long time since he'd slept on the ground. He was definitely getting older.

  He heard a snuffling sound, then Dolly's cold nose butted against his ear.

  "Dolly," Jaime whispered. "Leave Levi alone!"

  Levi laughed. "I'm awake." He opened his eyes to find Jaime watching him. "How did you sleep?"

  "No bad dreams." Jaime propped himself up on his hand so he could look down at Levi with his clear blue eyes. "How about you?"

  "Good," Levi said, "but my back hurts."

  Jaime smiled. He reached over and took Levi's hand. "I guess I'll owe you a massage."

  Levi was surprised at the contact. He held perfectly still, fighting the urge to pull Jaime closer. It was hard to breathe, let alone speak, but he managed to say, "I guess you will."

  "Thanks, Levi."

  "You're welcome."

  And just like that, the moment was over. Jaime let go of his hand and rolled onto his back to stretch, just as Ruth called from the back door, "What are you boys doing out here?"

  "Camping out," Levi called back. "No girls allowed!"

  "Whatever." She laughed as she crossed the lawn in her bare feet. She was already dressed and carrying two small paper Starbucks cups. She sat down in the grass next to Levi and held one out to him. "Here," she said in a mock whisper. "Contraband."

  "Oh, Ruth." Levi moaned as he sat up and took the cup from her. "God, I love you."

  "You should," she said, as Levi took a drink.

  It burned his tongue, but it was worth it. He felt like his eyes were about to roll back in his head.

  "Would your parents really be upset?" Jaime asked.

  Levi shrugged, and when he looked at Ruth, he saw her mirror the gesture. "Not really," she said. "They'd be a bit disappointed, but they wouldn't be angry or anything."

  "Then why all the sneaking around?"

  Ruth looked at Levi, and he smiled and answered for her. "Because being sneaky is what makes it fun."

  Jaime shook his head. "I think you're supposed to leave your teenage rebellion behind once you reach the age of thirty."

  "What fun would that be?"

  "I hope you two enjoyed your little two-man campout," Ruth said, "because I have a feeling you'll have most of the kids out here with you tonight."

  Levi was less than thrilled at the prospect, but to his surprise, Jaime smiled
. "That'll be fun." And he was pretty sure Jaime meant it, too. Jaime started to climb out of his bag, and Dolly spun excitedly in a circle.

  "Are you leaving us?" Ruth asked.

  "Dolly needs her walk," he said as he gathered up his sleeping bag. "We'll be back in a bit."

  Levi watched Jaime cross the lawn, headed for the house, with Dolly at his heels. He was amazed at how at-home Jaime seemed to be with his huge, crazy family.

  "He has no idea, does he?" Ruth asked, interrupting his thoughts.

  "About what?"

  "About you."

  He looked over at her in confusion and was a bit annoyed at the laughter he saw in her eyes. "What in the world are you talking about?"

  She smiled smugly. "You're in love with him."

  Such simple words, but it felt like being punched in the stomach. Levi put his head down, closed his eyes, and tried to catch his breath. He tried to find the words to tell his sister she had no idea what she was talking about. Of course, they would have been a lie. He did love Jaime, more than he ever could have believed was possible. Although he'd never thought of it in just those words before--being in love--he certainly couldn't deny they were true. "How did you know?"

  She laughed. "It's pretty obvious. I don't know how he can't see it, but he doesn't. Why haven't you told him?"

  "I can't."

  "That's not an answer."

  Levi sipped his coffee while he thought about what to say. "I think something happened to him. I don't really know what or when. I only know it happened before he was fifteen."

  "What kind of 'something' are we talking about?"

  He hesitated. He didn't want to reveal Jaime's secrets, especially since he really only had guesses at this point anyway, but he trusted Ruth. "I think maybe..." It was still hard to say the words out loud. "Sexual abuse."

  "Oh, Levi, how awful!"

  "I don't know for sure, but I know he's..." He debated what word to use. He knew Jaime would have said "damaged," but that wasn't the way he saw it. "Scarred."

  "And you being in love with him would make it worse?" she asked with obvious doubt.

  "It's not the 'love' part that's the problem," he said. "It's what goes with it he couldn't handle." He felt himself blush as he said it. Sex was something he'd never really discussed with his sister.

  "You can't have one without the other?"

  "If I told him how I felt, he'd feel pressured about the rest."

  "So what are you going to do? Keep it a secret forever?"

  The thought of never being able to express his feelings for Jaime made his heart feel heavy in his chest. "All I can do is wait," he told Ruth quietly. "And pray."

  "What do you pray for?" Ruth asked, and he could hear the hint of disapproval in her voice at the thought he might ask God to grant him a lover. But it wasn't like that.

  "I pray I'll do the right thing."

  "The right thing for who?"

  "For Jaime."

  The relief on her face was obvious. She tousled his hair like she hadn't done for years. "You're a good man, Levi," she said. "You gave us reason to doubt for a few years there, but I knew you'd come around."

  "Is that supposed to be a compliment?" he asked.

  She shrugged. "Call it whatever you want." She drained her coffee cup and handed him the empty.

  "What am I supposed to do with this?"

  "I bought them," she said as she stood up and headed for the house. "You get to hide the evidence."

  Chapter 24

  Friday passed in a mellow way, with football on the TV and lots of naps and leftovers. That night, Jaime and Levi had eight kids sleeping in the back yard with them. It seemed to annoy Levi a bit, but Jaime thought it was a blast. Levi often teased him about being a Boy Scout, but the truth was, with the exception of those nights in Craig's back yard, Jaime'd never had the opportunity to camp out before, and certainly not with a group of laughing, teasing kids. He loved being with Levi's family. They made him feel normal.

  And then suddenly it was Saturday, and the confab. Jaime could tell Levi was nervous about it, and he couldn't blame him. The weekend had been pleasant so far, and he knew Levi was reluctant to have it all come crashing down.

  Jaime's plan was to head to his room and pack his bags, in case they had to leave early again, but Ruth stopped him as the entire family was heading for the study.

  "Come on, Jaime," she said. "You should join us."

  "Yeah, right." Jaime laughed, thinking she was joking. Then he looked in her eyes and saw she was absolutely serious. "I don't think it's a good idea."

  "Of course it is."

  Jaime looked over at Levi, hoping for some kind of support. Levi looked as confused as Jaime felt. He was staring at Ruth suspiciously. "Why?" he asked.

  "Why not?" She shrugged. She turned back to Jaime. "It's okay. Jack will be there, too."

  "Yeah, but Jack's your husband. I'm only--"

  "Are you really so interested in watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?" she asked, pointing toward the family room where one of the K-Wives was putting a movie in for the kids.

  "Well--"

  Ruth didn't wait for him to answer. She turned and went down the hall, leaving behind a bemused Jackson and a confused Levi. Levi saw Jaime's questioning look and shrugged. "It's up to you."

  "I don't think I'd be welcome," Jaime said.

  "They won't care," Levi said. "You're not supposed to talk. Just listen."

  "I think it'd be awkward."

  "I think you should come and keep me company," Jackson said.

  "How can I keep you company if we can't talk?"

  Jackson sighed, looking exasperated. "Look, I was told by my wife to do everything in my power to convince you to come. Now, I know neither of you has ever had to deal with an angry wife, but I'm asking you to take pity on me."

  Levi laughed, and Jaime found himself relenting. After all, Ruth was right about the movie, if nothing else. He'd never been a fan of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, whether starring Gene Wilder or Johnny Depp. So, instead of watching a movie or packing his bag, he followed Levi and Jackson into the study. The Binder family was sitting in a circle in the center of the room. Jackson led Jaime to two chairs against the wall.

  "Why's Jaime here?" he heard Jacob ask, and he felt himself start to blush. This was exactly what he'd been afraid of. He stood up to leave, but Jackson put his hand on his shoulder, urging him back down.

  "Please don't touch me," he said, pushing Jack's hand away. But it had already served its purpose because Jaime heard Ruth's response.

  "I invited him," Ruth said, as if no other explanation was needed, and maybe she was right because nobody else seemed to care, and Jacob let the matter drop.

  Jaime settled uncomfortably into his chair, wishing he could somehow make himself invisible.

  Abraham began the meeting by saying a prayer, then asking if there was any new business. It took a minute for anybody to answer, but Isaac spoke first.

  "As of next week, Kristine's mother will have been cancer-free for two years," he said simply, then stopped as if he wasn't sure what else to say.

  "That's wonderful!" Nancy said, and the rest of the family agreed.

  Then Rachel spoke. "Some of you know this already, but we had the ultrasound a few weeks ago and we're having a boy!" She looked around at her family. "Big surprise, right?" she asked, and they all laughed.

  "Do you have a name yet?" Nancy asked.

  "You know she won't tell us, even if she does," Caleb said. "She's superstitious."

  Rachel blushed, and they all laughed and congratulated her before looking around the circle expectantly. Ruth surprised everybody by saying suddenly, "Levi has something to share."

  Levi turned to her in surprise. "I do?"

  "About your job?" Levi's color rose, and for some reason, he seemed hesitant to say anything. Ruth seemed to have anticipated his reaction because she kept talking for him. "Levi left his old job a couple of weeks ago," sh
e said. "He has an interview next week at a nursery."

  She turned to Levi, beaming, ignoring the fact he was beet-red and looked terribly uncomfortable. "I think it's so wonderful you're finally moving on from the club, and I want you to know I'll be praying for you to get the job!"

  "So will I," Nancy said.

  "What made you quit?" Caleb asked. "After all these years."

  "I don't know..." Levi glanced nervously over at Jaime.

  Jaime wondered if Levi thought he knew the answer because he didn't.

  "I think," Ruth said, "Levi has personal reasons for quitting the club, and I don't think we need to go into them here. I wanted him to know that I--well, that we, as his family, support the new direction he's taking."

  Everybody seemed to agree with this, and his siblings congratulated him and wished him luck, even though Levi still looked like he wanted nothing more than to find a deep, dark hole to hide in. Jaime saw Caleb lean over and ask Ruth a question. She whispered something back and then, for some reason Jaime could not comprehend, they both turned to look at him. Jaime sank a little lower in his chair.

  "Okay," Abraham said finally, "anything else?" Nobody answered, so he asked, "Any old business?"

  They all looked at Levi nervously, but it was Jacob who broke the silence. "Of course, there's old business." He sighed. "The same 'old business' we've been discussing for the last ten years."

  "I don't like it any better than you do," Levi said. "I'd be perfectly happy not to discuss it at all."

  "Levi," Abraham said, "I know you don't want to hear this, but I've done more research into Evergreen International. And the more I learn, the more impressed I am. They're not a bunch of charlatans out to take people's money. They're a non-profit organization. They've helped a lot of other Mormons who suffer from same-sex attraction."

  "I wish you wouldn't say it that way," Levi said. "You're the ones who seem to 'suffer' because of it. Not me."

  "So you admit you're causing your family pain and grief?" Isaac asked.

  Levi's laugh held more bitterness than humor. "That was sarcasm, Isaac."

  "Did you even try?" Jacob asked. "After the last meeting, did you even look for a support group?"