Between Sinners And Saints

by Marie Sexton

  "No."

  "Why not?"

  "Do you really need me to answer?"

  "I'm not asking why you didn't change your whole life. I'm only asking why it's so hard for you to even consider it?"

  Levi's jaw clenched, but he seemed to decide it was best to not answer.

  "I think Levi is making progress," Nancy said. "I'm not saying I wouldn't like to see more, but I think quitting the club is a wonderful start."

  "I didn't do it for you," Levi said quietly.

  "Daddy," Rachel said, sounding scared to death, "I'd like to say something."

  Levi groaned, sinking lower in his chair, and Rachel's cheeks flushed red.

  "Go ahead, sweetpea," Abraham said.

  Now everybody was looking at her, she looked even more unsure, but she didn't back down. She gripped her hands tight in her lap, in front of her very round, pregnant belly, and sat up straight. "You all know where I stood on this issue in the past."

  "You mean mindlessly echoing whatever Isaac and Dad said?" Levi asked bitterly.

  Rachel looked down at her lap. "That's probably true. But something happened recently to change my mind."

  Her statement surprised everyone, including Levi. They all sat up a little straighter, attentive to what she had to say.

  "You might remember me telling you about Cheryl taking a job at a homeless shelter in Salt Lake."

  Jaime glanced over at Jackson, wondering who Cheryl was, and Jackson whispered, "Her husband's sister."

  "She sent us this email the other day." She reached with a shaking hand into her back pocket and pulled out a piece of paper, which she proceeded to unfold. She glanced over at Levi. "It turns out a lot of homeless kids are gay, too." She looked around the circle again. "And I think there's something here we should think about.

  "Listen to what she said: 'The most recent study I read said only five to eight percent of American youths identify as GLBT, but among the homeless, the numbers seem to be much higher. One recent nation-wide study showed as many as twenty to forty percent of homeless youths are GLBT. An informal survey done at shelters in the Salt Lake area indicates the numbers here are even higher, close to fifty percent.'"

  Rachel looked up from her paper, and Jaime was surprised to see there were tears in her eyes. "Every day, they get kids in the shelter who were kicked out of their homes for being gay. Last week in Salt Lake, two of these kids froze to death on the street. She says it happens every year. Usually it doesn't happen this early in the year, but a couple of weeks ago, they had a cold snap. They had record lows for November. And these kids died. Not only that, but they have several more who commit suicide. Every single year."

  She stopped to wipe her eyes, and when she spoke again, her voice was firmer. "Homosexual behavior is a sin," she said, "but what about this? What about these parents who find out their kids are gay and throw them out and let them die on the street because of it?" She looked around the room, her eyes full of tears, but blazing with anger, too. "Isn't that a far worse sin? These were kids! And instead of loving them, helping them and protecting them, as our Heavenly Father intended, their parents tossed them out like garbage. And now they're dead."

  "Rachel," Isaac said, his voice calm and patient, and more than a bit condescending, "Levi's not homeless. And he's not going to freeze to death."

  "That's not the point." But the wind seemed to have gone out of her sails. She slumped a bit in her seat, looking down at the crumpled paper in her lap. "I think we've all been behaving shamefully," she said in a soft voice. "Myself included."

  Ruth and Caleb looked pleased. Jacob and Nancy looked confused. Rachel was still crying. Abraham and Isaac looked stunned. And Levi? He looked the most stunned of all. He slowly reached over to Rachel and took her hand. She looked up at him in teary surprise.

  "I'm sorry, Levi," she said. "I always thought I was doing what was best. I know you don't believe that, but I really did think it was the right thing."

  Isaac snorted in disgust. "How can you think it's wrong now?"

  She looked over at him indignantly. "I still believe homosexual behavior is a sin. I still wish Levi would consider Evergreen. I don't think we're wrong for wishing he could find happiness in a righteous life," she said. "I still pray every night he'll change his mind. But what I've realized is, we're family. And I'd rather have a brother who's gay than one who decides never to come home again."

  "You're exaggerating," Isaac snapped. "You're completely confusing the point!"

  "I am not!"

  "This isn't something we can turn a blind eye to. You're letting your emotions cloud your judgment."

  "Why is it when I agree with you, I'm being logical, but when I agree with Levi, I'm being emotional?"

  "Because your position before was supported by church doctrine."

  "The church also teaches us the family is the most important gift we're given and it's an integral part of our Heavenly Father's plan. It should be cherished above all else."

  "Even if one member of the family is a sinner?"

  "We're all sinners. That's part of church doctrine, too, but you like to forget that part."

  "And when Levi comes home with a husband, what then? Will you introduce your new baby to his two uncles and tell him that's part of God's plan?"

  "Enough," Ruth said, loudly enough to override them both. She looked around the circle at them all. "I think we've all said enough," she said, quieter. "I propose we end the meeting."

  "We haven't resolved anything," Isaac said.

  Jacob sighed. "We never do."

  "Exactly," Ruth said. "And screaming at each other isn't the solution."

  Rachel looked relieved. Isaac actually looked ashamed. He hung his head, red-faced. "You're right," he said.

  Abraham looked unsure, but most of the rest of them were nodding. Ruth wasn't finished. "I think for years we've been having the same old argument, but things have changed now." She glanced over at Levi, then, to Jaime's surprise, she glanced at him. She smiled at him and then looked over at Rachel. "We have new things to think about. I think instead of letting ourselves become emotional and start hurling insults at each other, we should close the meeting. We should take the next four weeks to pray on what's been said here today and we should discuss it again at Christmas."

  "I agree with Ruth," Nancy said. "Just once, I'd like to end our weekend together on a happy note. I'd like for us to all walk out of this room feeling like family."

  "We can't resolve this issue by ignoring it," Abraham said to his wife.

  "We can't resolve it by fighting, either," she countered.

  Abraham debated for a moment. He looked around at his children and sighed in resignation. "Fine. I think I'm outnumbered here, and it is getting late. Let's say the closing prayer--"

  "I'd like to say it, Dad," Ruth said.

  "That's fine."

  Everybody crossed their arms and bowed their heads, even Jackson. Jaime crossed his arms, but he kept his eyes on the family. Ruth took a minute, seemingly to compose her thoughts, before she started the prayer.

  "Heavenly Father, we thank thee for bringing us together today. We thank thee for the many blessings thou has seen fit to bestow upon us. We thank thee for the love we share here, as a family. We gather here together today in the spirit of contrition. In the past, we have asked thee to help turn Levi away from the path of sin he has chosen."

  Jaime glanced at Levi, and saw that his jaw was clenched tight.

  "Heavenly Father, we ask now for thy forgiveness for having presumed to know thy will. We offer a new prayer today. We ask instead that in thy wisdom and thy love thou help Levi find that which he seeks."

  Levi's eyes snapped open, as did Abraham's, and they both looked at Ruth in surprise. But they said nothing, and nobody else moved at all.

  "We ask thee to help Levi find the happiness he deserves. We ask thee to fill the empty place in his heart, and help him become whole, so our family can be whole again too. We ask for thy di
vine guidance Heavenly Father, in this as in all things.

  "We say these things in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ. Amen."

  "Amen," the rest of the family mumbled.

  Everybody stood up, and Jaime lingered in the back of the room, waiting for Levi. Jackson, Jacob and Nancy were already leaving. Abraham, Ruth and Isaac were having a quiet but intense conversation in the corner. Levi and Rachel were talking quietly together. Rachel was still crying, and as Jaime watched, Levi pulled her into his arms and hugged her. It was nice to see him making peace with her.

  "What did you think?" asked a voice next to him.

  Jaime turned to find Caleb beside him, smiling. "I'm glad it ended well," Jaime said.

  Caleb smiled, looking at him appraisingly, and Jaime felt himself color under the obvious scrutiny. "He really quit the club?"

  "Yes." Why did they keep asking him that? And, of course, he knew what was coming next. "No, I don't know why," he said, before Caleb could ask.

  Caleb seemed to find his answer funny because he laughed. "I'm sure you'll figure it out."

  He clapped Jaime on the shoulder, a gesture that was somehow kind and fraternal, and although Jaime didn't like to be touched, the contact was too brief to trigger his anxiety.

  "I'm glad you're here, Jaime," Caleb said. "I hope you'll be back for Christmas."

  Chapter 25

  Everybody was heading back to their respective homes on Sunday, and everybody trying to track down scattered possessions as they packed and said goodbye amplified the morning chaos. As a result, Jaime and Levi left Georgetown several hours later than they'd originally planned, which meant they'd arrive home late. Jaime offered to drive the first half because he knew he'd be too tired to drive at night.

  They were less than an hour out of Georgetown when he looked down at the gas gauge and frowned. "Didn't you fill it up in Charleston on the way up?"

  "Yeah," Levi said. "Why?"

  "It's almost empty."

  "That's impossible."

  There was no way they could have burned an entire tank of gas already, but the gauge was frighteningly low. "Shit," Jaime said. "How far is it to Charleston?"

  "Ten more minutes. Will we make it?"

  "Yeah, but we'll be staying the night. There must be a leak somewhere in the gas line. We'll have to take it in somewhere tomorrow and have it checked."

  "It was gonna be a long-ass drive home anyway," Levi said with obvious relief.

  They made it Charleston and filled the tank again. Even if it were leaking somewhere, they'd still need to be able to start it in the morning and get it to the service station.

  "Now we need a hotel," Jaime said. He glanced at Dolly sleeping in the back seat. "One that takes dogs."

  "Something by the beach," Levi said.

  They found a hotel and checked in. Jaime had to call all his Monday clients and change their appointments. "I've rescheduled everybody but you," he said to Levi half an hour later. "Can you switch to later in the week?"

  "I don't know," Levi said, smiling. "You already owe me one from the other day."

  "Now I guess I owe you two."

  They went out for dinner and lingered over dessert, then went back to the room to get Dolly and headed for the beach. It was a bit chilly, and they zipped their jackets as they walked. They stopped a few yards from the water and stared out at the ocean. The light was fading, but they could still see the waves crashing several yards offshore.

  "It's nice here," Jaime said.

  "I've always liked Charleston," Levi said. "This is where I learned to surf."

  "Too bad it's so cold. We could rent a couple of boards and go tomorrow while they fix the car."

  Levi smiled over at him. "I've converted you."

  Jaime laughed. "I guess so. But by the time it's warm enough to go again, I'll probably have forgotten how."

  Levi was watching him closely. His eyes were uncharacteristically intense, and Jaime found himself a bit disconcerted by what he saw in them. He couldn't tell if Levi was laughing at him, or proud of him, or--

  "I'll just have to teach you again," Levi said.

  Jaime laughed, feeling uncomfortable for no reason he could put his finger on. "I'm sure you have better things to do with your time."

  Levi didn't laugh. He stood there, looking gorgeous as he always did, and he continued to give Jaime that look. "Why would you think so?" he asked.

  Jaime felt like they weren't having the same conversation at all. He felt as if he was in a play, but only Levi had the script. His heart was suddenly hammering in his chest. "I was kidding," he said, and was surprised to find his voice shook.

  Levi hesitated, his head cocked to the side as if he was debating something. Then he seemed to make a decision. He reached over, very slowly so Jaime could pull away if he wanted to. But Jaime didn't want to. He let Levi take his hand. Levi stepped closer. Jaime's instinct was to back up, but Levi had anticipated him and used his grip on Jaime's hand to keep him from stepping away. Jaime tried to stop shaking. He tried to make himself breathe.

  Levi reached up with his other hand and brushed his finger down Jaime's cheek. "I'll always have time for you," he said. He put his hand on the back of Jaime's neck as he moved closer.

  Was Levi going to kiss him? The very thought of it took his breath away. He closed his eyes and willed his heart to stop racing.

  He was aware of everything. The surf pounded to his right. People laughed on his left. A cool breeze off the ocean ruffled his hair. He held Dolly's leash in his left hand, and Levi still had hold of his right. His knees felt weak. Levi's hand was warm and strong on the back of his neck. He had no idea what had come over Levi to prompt this moment, but he found he didn't care.

  He tried to make sense of what he was feeling. It was a bit like panic. It was a bit like joy. It felt like flying--giddiness and sheer, heart-stopping terror all rolled in one. It was the curve at the top of the big hill where the roller coaster train stops climbing, but gravity hasn't quite pulled it down. It was the moment on top of the high board, knowing it was time to jump. It was a heartbeat of drawing breath, waiting to fall, waiting to scream. It was the most exhilarating moment of his life.

  He wondered briefly how he'd manage to even go on living after this moment. He felt certain he'd never be able to think rationally again. He wondered how Levi would taste. He knew with sudden certainty he wanted to find out. He leaned a bit closer and heard Levi's breath catch. He felt Levi's breath against his lips.

  "Jaime," Levi said, his voice shaky. "I--"

  "Hey!" yelled somebody to Jaime's left, shattering their moment. "This is a public beach. People have families here you know!"

  "Shit!" Levi said, and Jaime sighed. He didn't open his eyes, but he felt Levi draw away from him. He felt the loss deep inside his chest. "Come on," Levi said. "We should get back."

  Jaime didn't know if the feeling flooding through him was disappointment or relief. It took him a moment to pull himself together. He had to assess each piece of himself, one step at a time. His heart was still beating a bit too fast. Air moved in and out of his lungs as it always had. His hands shook, and his knees felt like rubber.

  He wondered if he'd lost his one and only chance to ever be kissed.

  By the time he opened his eyes, Levi was halfway up the beach.

  The worst part of it was, things between them over the next half hour were unusually awkward. Jaime was suddenly self-conscious of everything he said and everything he did, and Levi seemed unwilling to look at him. Jaime wondered if Levi regretted what had happened. And if he did, which part did he regret--the fact he'd almost kissed Jaime, or the fact they'd been interrupted?

  When they got back to the hotel, Levi went in the bathroom to shower. Jaime checked the TV and was pleased to see Syfy was available. By the time Levi came out of the bathroom with a towel around his hips, beaded with water and looking unbelievably gorgeous, two coeds had been swallowed whole and Jaime felt marginally better. He felt more lik
e himself again.

  "There's plenty of hot water left," Levi told him, and Jaime was happy to see Levi's normal smile again.

  He took a ridiculously long shower. He wasn't sure what had happened between them. Or almost happened. He wasn't sure if he wanted to pursue it or if he wanted to maintain the status quo. In the end, the decision seemed to be moot. The only thing he could really do was get dressed and walk back out of the bathroom.

  He put on his boxers and a T-shirt. When he emerged, Levi was wearing the shorts he usually wore to bed. His eyes were closed, but Jaime could tell he was awake by his breathing. He lay sideways across the bed, his feet hanging over the far edge. His head nearly hung off the near side. Dolly lay next to him, with her head across his stomach. Levi's hand rested on her golden fur.

  Jaime wasn't sure what he wanted to happen, but he knew one thing--he wanted to touch Levi. There was a chair at the desk, and Jaime pulled it over next to the bed, so he could sit near Levi's head, the same way he'd sit on the stool if Levi were on his massage table. He put his hands under Levi's neck and pulled gently.

  Levi didn't open his eyes, but he smiled. "Should I take three deep breaths?"

  "You can if you like," Jaime said. He rubbed Levi's scalp, running his fingers through his hair as he pulled it all up, away from his neck. He spent a long time doing it. He knew how much Levi liked this part of the massage. "How's your back?" he asked as he worked.

  "It was doing great until we spent three nights sleeping on the ground."

  Jaime laughed. "It'll be nice to sleep in a bed again, won't it?" He moved lower and began to work Levi's neck. "Thank you for taking me to your parents' house."

  "I'm glad you talked me into it."

  "It went well, didn't it?"

  "Better than I expected." Levi sighed. "Better than it ever went before, that's for sure."

  "You seemed reluctant to tell your family about quitting the club."

  "My job's been a point of contention for a long time. I hate to let them think they won. It's probably childish, but I didn't want them to think I did it for them."

  "Why did you do it?"