Dear Tabitha

by Trudy Stiles

  I walk in and look around. I don’t see anyone that resembles the family from the pictures. I find a larger table by the front window, shrug off my jacket, and sit down. I look up and see a man walk in alone. It’s him. Kyle Finnegan.

  There’s something so familiar about him. I can’t put my finger on it. Sure, I’ve seen his picture at Tabby’s apartment, but seeing him in person makes me think that I know him from somewhere.

  He walks toward me and I stand to greet him.

  “Alex?” he asks as he extends his hand.

  “Yes. You must be Kyle.”

  “Carly and Emily will be right here.” He glances toward the window and smiles. “Emily wanted to look at puppies at the pet store down the street.” His eyes light up as he says Emily’s name.

  I’m a wreck, and I suddenly don’t know why I’m even here. What good is this going to do any of us? Tabby hasn’t even seen them since Emily was born. What gives me the right to do this now?

  “So, how long did it take you to get here?” he asks, making small talk.

  “A little more than an hour.”

  He’s studying my face as if he’s trying to find similarities between Emily and me. He’s wondering if I’m her father.

  “Not bad.” He nods and looks toward the door.

  “I used to come to this area a lot when I was younger,” I say, trying to make conversation. “My sister and I spent a lot of time in Belmar.”

  “Emily loves going to Belmar. Her favorite playground is right on the beach near Third Avenue. It’s shaped like a pirate ship.” His expression suddenly turns serious, and he leans in and says, “Listen, you need to know that Emily is everything to us. Tabitha explained why you are here, and I need to know if your intentions are good.” He looks stern but worried at the same time.

  I quickly respond, “I don’t know exactly why I’m here anymore, Kyle. I guess I just need some closure.” Shit, I should leave before Emily sees me. I don’t want to confuse her in any way. This man in front of me is her father. “Maybe I should go,” I say as I start to stand up.

  “No, stay. Please,” he urges as he looks toward the door again.

  “I’m not here to cause any trouble, okay? Why don’t we just pretend that I’m an old friend so we don’t confuse Emily?” I suggest as the door opens.

  The little girl from the pictures is beaming with a smile on her face. She lets go of her mother’s hand, runs, and leaps into Kyle’s arms. “Daddy! I saw a puppy!” she screeches and points toward the door. “He licked my face all over!” I watch her animated expressions as her curly hair bounces on her shoulders. Her giggles are infectious and my heart warms immediately. This is one happy child.

  Carly approaches me. “Hi, you must be Alex,” she says as she extends her hand to mine. “I’m Carly.”

  As soon as I see her face up close, I realize that I know her. I’ve seen her before, many years ago. That night with Tabby in Spring Lake. This is the couple that I saw in the restaurant with the columns. This is the same couple that I watched intently as they ran the gamut of emotions. I saw her tears and witnessed him comforting her. I remember that Tabby wanted me to create a storyline for this couple as I watched them in the restaurant. I can’t believe that this is the same couple and they adopted Emily.

  “Hi, Carly,” I manage to say as I grab her hand and shake it. My eyes meet hers, and I can’t believe this unbelievable coincidence. I think back to that night and remember what went through my head. What was she upset about? Why was she crying? Could it have been related to having children? I remember that Tabby told me that Carly was unable to have children of her own for medical reasons. Maybe that was the night that she found out. Maybe Kyle was comforting her and they decided to pursue adoption.

  “Are you okay?” she asks, looking concerned.

  I snap out of my thoughts. “Yes, I’m fine. Really.”

  Emily jumps from her father’s lap and hops across the floor toward me. “I’m Emily. Who are you?” she asks, clapping her hands. I see a young Tabby in her face. Her features are very similar to Sara’s as well.

  But her eyes.

  As soon as I see her eyes, I shudder. Oh my God.

  “Emily, sit down in your seat while I go get you a drink,” Carly says to her.

  “Chocolate milk, please, Momma,” she says in the sweetest little voice that I’ve ever heard.

  Emily looks back at me and I can’t stop staring into her beautiful, animated ice blue eyes.

  And I just know. Immediately.

  This little girl is mine. I see my mother’s eyes and they are full of life. There is no doubt in my mind that Emily is my daughter. My heart is pounding in my chest as I see a look of concern flash across Kyle’s face.

  I get out of my chair and kneel at Emily’s level. “My name is Alex,” I say quietly as I extend my hand toward hers. “It’s so nice to meet you.”

  She places her small hand in mine, and I want to scoop her into my arms, hug her tight, and never let her go. I suddenly feel regret for leaving Tabby years ago. I wish that I had forgiven her back then. I realize that this could be our family. This perfect, beautiful little girl could be ours. She is ours. Emily is our daughter. I see what I’ve been missing all of these years. And Carly and Kyle have it all. They have my daughter and the perfect family. I’m suddenly jealous and angry, and I need to reel in my emotions.

  Kyle shifts in his seat and clears his throat. Emily turns toward him and says, “Look, Daddy. Look at the letters on his fingers! What does it say?” she says while pointing to the tattoos on my hands. Her curiosity is so infectious. This must be what Tabby looked like when she was this age. She must have been this happy before Trina died. Emily is so precious and innocent. I know that Carly and Kyle would never let her experience the heartache and heartbreak that Tabby went through.

  I don’t want to tell her that it spells ‘Epic Fail’ because then I’d have to explain it, and a child her age shouldn’t have to know what that means. So I change the subject. “Do you like the Muppets?”

  “Yes! Yes!” she exclaims. “Kermie is my favorite!”

  “Well, I’m in a band. Just like that band on the Muppets.”

  “Dr. Teeth!” She giggles.

  “Yes and the Electric Mayhem,” I respond. “I play guitar and my band is just like them.” I chuckle as I picture Animal behind the drums. Dax is not quite like Animal, but close.

  She seems excited and quickly forgets about the tattoo on my fingers.

  Carly returns with Emily’s chocolate milk and ushers her into a chair at our table.

  Kyle begins to relax again in his seat, and I realize that I don’t want to prolong this meeting. I don’t want to confuse this perfectly happy little girl.

  I turn toward Carly and smile. “Thank you,” I say quietly.

  Her face softens as a look of relief spreads across it. “No, Alex. Thank you,” she says as her eyes glisten with tears. She knows, too. She knows that I’m Emily’s father.

  I stand up and look between Kyle and Carly. This is the couple that I wanted to model myself after. It amazes me that we found each other the way that we have. It also breaks my heart that Emily isn’t living with me and Tabitha. I want so much of what they have, and I’m now determined to make it happen with Tabby and Sara. Tabby told me that after spending so much time with Carly before Emily was born, she knew that her decision was the perfect one. I agree with her and I’m now so grateful that I’ve seen it for myself.

  “Emily, it was nice meeting you,” I say as I bend down to give her a high-five.

  She slaps my hand as hard as she can, and I shake my hand, pretending that she really hurt me. “Ouch! You’re so strong!” I say as she giggles.

  “It was nice running into you,” I say as I stand up to leave.

  Kyle stands up and nods toward Carly. “I’ll walk you out,” he says.

  “Goodbye, Carly.”

  She smiles back at me. Her eyes fill with tears and she quickly covers t
hem with her hands.

  “Goodbye, Emily.”

  Emily smiles back at me and waves. “Bye, Alex!”

  I don’t want to leave, but I have to. I keep my eyes on the floor as I walk through the door. Kyle is right behind me.

  “Hey, I don’t know what just happened back there, but thank you,” he says. He obviously saw my reaction when I looked into Emily’s eyes.

  “I just needed to see for myself. I needed to see that Tabby made the right decision for all of us. Thank you for giving Emily the home that she deserves. You’re a good man, Kyle.” I choke up and turn to walk away. I’m overwhelmed by my emotions right now and don’t want Kyle to get confused about my intentions. I’m happy for Emily and her parents. I now completely understand Tabby’s decision. The realization has hit me and it’s overpowering.

  “How are things with Tabby?” he asks, causing me to stop.

  “What do you mean?” I wonder what she has told them about me. About Sara.

  “How is she? Carly mentioned that she had some incredible news about her older daughter, Sara. Are things okay?” he asks.

  “Yes, Sara is now home with Tabby. It’s a long story, but it’s going to work out.” I don’t want to say too much because it’s really Tabby’s story to tell.

  “Please, tell her we’re thinking about her and hope that she is happy,” Kyle says sincerely. “Oh, and tell her that Emily is about to have a brother,” he smiles proudly.

  “Wow, that’s great, man. Congratulations,” I respond, shoving my hand out to shake his.

  “Yeah, it’s actually an incredible story. As soon as he’s home with us, we’ll be sure to send you the details. I know that Carly will want to tell Tabby the whole story.” Kyle releases my hand and begins to back away. “Thanks, Alex,” he pauses. “Are you going to be okay?”

  “Yes, I’m okay. Thank you for letting me meet Emily. You have a great family and she’s the lucky one. She deserves a family like yours,” I say and walk away. I hear Kyle open the door to the café. I’m sad as I walk away from my daughter, a little girl that I’m sure I’ll never see again. But I’m thankful that I had the chance to have this moment.

  I’m happy for them and even happier that Tabby chose them. Seeing them today and recognizing that they are the couple from that night a few years ago makes me realize that this was somehow meant to be. Emily has the perfect family and I know that my mother is smiling down on them.

  But now I need to convince Tabby to choose me. I want to create a family with her and Sara.

  I want what Kyle, Carly, and Emily have.

  I want a real, loving family.

  Present

  Age 24

  Dear Tabitha,

  (Dictated by Sara, Age 4 1/2)

  I went to Disneyland with Nona Marta and I met Ariel in person! We had a special dinner in the castle where I got to take pictures with her and so many other princesses. Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty, too! Ariel is still my favorite.

  Nona tells me that you’re like a princess, too. That’s why I’m so special. Do you have a crown? I have one that Daddy gave me when I turned three. He said it has real diamonds on it. Can you believe that?

  It’s time for bed. Nona always says sweet dreams to me. I think I’m going to dream that I’m a real princess like you.

  Love,

  Sara

  As I read the letter that Marta helped write, I look down at the adorable picture of Sara with Princess Ariel. Sara’s face is lit up and her eyes are glowing. I want to experience this joy with her and I’m thrilled that she’s still at an age where I can. I decide that I’m taking her to Disney as soon as possible, and I hope that Alex will want to come with us.

  I tense up as I also realize that I need to tell her about Marta. I just can’t wait any longer.

  Sara comes out of her room and flops onto the couch. “Can I watch TV for a little while?” she asks.

  “Sure, but first, can we talk?” I ask as I sit down next to her. My hands shake as I breathe deeply to try to calm myself.

  “Okay,” she says, smiling.

  “Sara, honey,” I pause, reaching out for her hands. “I have something to tell you that’s going to be really hard to hear.”

  She nods and I see fear creep into her eyes.

  “It’s about your Nona. I’m so sorry. So very sorry,” I whisper as I lower my eyes.

  She squeezes my hands as her eyes widen.

  “She was very, very sick, and she didn’t want to be sick anymore. She needed to rest and never feel the pain of being sick ever again.” I struggle with the words to tell her that Marta is dead. I can’t quite remember everything that was told to me, but I’m trying to put myself back into the mindset of a seven-year-old.

  She starts to cry softly, and I think she already knows.

  “She asked God to stop her suffering, honey. She’s in Heaven now,” I say as Sara throws herself into my arms.

  “No! She can’t be in Heaven! Nobody ever comes back from there, Tabby! No one!” She cries into my shoulder. Her body shakes through her sobs.

  “It’s okay, Sara. I promise that she’s in a better place. She finally gets to rest,” I whisper into her hair.

  “It’s not fair! She can’t be gone!” she wails. “I have no one!”

  I cringe when she says that. She has me, but she doesn’t consider me family, or really anyone important to her right now. I want to make this right, make it better. I continue to struggle with my words as I say, “Sara, you have me.”

  She silently sobs into my shoulder and doesn’t respond to my declaration. It’s okay. I understand. She’s confused and feels completely alone. I know what that’s like, but I also know what it feels like to have nothing. I need to reassure her that I’m here and not going to go anywhere.

  “I know this doesn’t make sense to you, and you’re very sad and upset. My mother died, too, and I was just about your age. It’s confusing and very scary. But I’m not going anywhere, Sara. I’m here for you, and we are going to get through this together. I knew your Nona a long time ago, and I’m going to miss her, too.” This is a stretch and a bit of a white lie, but I need Sara to trust me. I need her to believe that I can help her through this pain that she’s feeling.

  “I didn’t get to say goodbye to her, Tabby.” She continues to cry as her small body shakes in my arms.

  “Yes, you did. We said goodbye to her when we left Portland. I think she knew that was going to be the last time she saw you. She said goodbye and you told her that you loved her. That’s all she needed to hear, and now she’s smiling down from Heaven and will always be in your heart,” I reassure her. These are similar words that I heard when Trina died. These words haunted me for years because I lost all hope that Trina was with me and looking down on me. My experiences were so much different from Sara’s, and I’m determined never to let history repeat itself.

  “Really?” she asks as she looks up into my eyes. Her face is swollen and streaked with tears. Her eyes are puffy and bloodshot from crying. “Is she really in Heaven and can she see me right now?”

  “Yes, she can see you from Heaven,” I reply as Sara looks up toward the ceiling.

  “Nona,” she sobs as her body begins to tremble. “Nona, I love you. I hope you feel better now that you are in Heaven.” She breaks down again and throws herself back into my arms. “It hurts, Tabby. It hurts so much! I don’t want to say goodbye. I want Nona back here with us.” She’s crying uncontrollably, and all I can do is rub her back while she lets it all out.

  “I know. It’s going to be okay. It may not feel like it right now, but I promise that it gets better,” I say into her hair. “I’m here, Sara, and I’m never leaving you.”

  We sit like this for hours, cuddled together on my couch. She drifts in and out of sleep and fits of crying. She’s incoherent at times and I never let go of her.

  My phone buzzes on the coffee table and I quickly reach over to grab it. It’s Kirsten.

  �
��Hi,” I whisper.

  “Are you okay? Is Sara okay?” she asks. She’s clearly worried about the both of us.

  “As good as we can be,” I reply, checking to see if Sara is still asleep. She stirs in my arms slightly, but she’s out cold.

  “I’ll be there in a few minutes. You need a break,” she says as she hangs up.

  What does she mean? I don’t want to leave Sara. I glance at the clock and see that it’s after ten. Her bedtime was two hours ago, and I doubt she’ll get up at this point, but I still feel bad leaving her. I don’t want to leave her. Ever.

  Kirsten is here within fifteen minutes and settles onto the couch next to me. “Go,” she urges. “Alex is at the High Note waiting for you. Get out of here for a few hours, okay? I’ll stay with Sara.”

  I reluctantly stand. “Are you sure? What happens if she wakes up and I’m not here? I promised her that I would never leave her. I don’t want her to be scared.”

  “I’ll text you if she starts to stir. Tabby, you need to go see him. It’s going to be fine. I promise,” she says as she narrows her eyes. She’s giving me her stern look, and I know she’s got things covered.

  “Okay, I won’t be gone long. Thank you,” I say as I leave my apartment.

  I walk the few blocks to the bar, trying to clear my mind of today’s events. I wish that I didn’t have to give Sara the news about Marta. It broke my heart to see her fall apart when she realized that her grandmother is gone. It’s time for me to step up and be her mother. To protect her from all of the pain that this cruel life can dish out.

  As I near the bar, I remember that Alex spent time with the Finnegans today. I hope he’s okay and that it went well. I’ve been so preoccupied with Sara that I completely forgot to check in with him.

  I walk into the High Note and the crowd is larger than normal. I scan the room trying to find Alex. My heart drops when my eyes reach our booth.