Dear Tabitha

by Trudy Stiles

  A scantily clad girl is draped over him and all I see is her back. She’s nuzzling into his neck and I want to vomit. What the fuck? I feel like I’m going to be sick.

  I turn right around and leave the bar, running back in the direction that I just came from. Tears sting my eyes and the familiar feeling of regret seeps back into my chest. What the fuck is going on? He flew out to Portland to be with me. He told me that he still loves me. I start to jog when I hear someone yell my name.

  “Tabby. Wait!”

  It’s Alex. I don’t wait, I run faster.

  I reach my apartment building as the sky opens up. Rain pelts me in the face as I search for my keys. I’m sobbing when I feel him wrap his arms around me from behind.

  “Tabs, don’t do this. What you just saw was nothing! You need to let me explain.” He’s begging me as he pulls me tighter against him.

  I start to struggle, but his grasp is too tight. “What the fuck did I see then, Alex?” I scream. I’m so angry and I just want to pummel him. We’re getting soaked, but we’re frozen in place. I feel his forehead against my back.

  “It was nothing. She literally threw herself on top of me seconds before you walked in the door. She was wasted and couldn’t get the hint that I wanted nothing to do with her,” he says as he pulls me tighter against his chest.

  “Who is she?” I whisper as the tears and rain mix on my cheeks.

  He hesitates. “It’s Stacy,” he answers. “From Bitter Pill.”

  I struggle in his arms and try to pull away from him again. “Alex, let me go.” Stacy from Bitter Pill? Motherfucker! I’m livid and I don’t want to hear his explanation.

  He releases me and I stumble forward out of the rain and into the covered doorway.

  “You need to listen to me, okay? She’s nothing to me. Nothing at all. She’s persistent, but I’ve never laid a hand on her. Ever.” His eyes lock on mine as the pouring rain soaks him. He stares into my eyes without flinching. Without wavering. “I love you, Tabs. You. Only you.”

  I blink and swipe tears from my cheeks. “Alex, I don’t know what to say. I needed you tonight, and what I saw when I walked in? I just – I can’t…” I look away, shaking my head. I can’t do this again. What is it about jealousy that destroys us? For so long, he was fixated on what Seth meant to me. Am I going to be able to get past seeing him with her on his lap?

  He reaches forward and grabs my shoulders. “We can’t let something like this get in our way again! Nothing happened. Nothing!” He’s shouting at me and I cringe. I want to believe him. “What you saw was a very drunk slut throw herself at me. That’s it.”

  His eyes are now pleading with mine, “Please, Tabby. Please believe me. I need you. I love you.” His last words are whispered as he pulls me against his soaking wet body. “Please, don’t let this end. We are starting to get back what we had. Don’t you see? Don’t you feel what I feel? God, Tabby.” His lips caress my cheek and slowly travel to my neck and underneath my ear. “I love you. Only you.” He pulls back a little and then places soft kisses over each of my eyes, kissing away all of my tears. “This is our chance to start over. We’re meant to be together,” he says softly as he brushes my nose with his and holds my face firmly in his hands. He pulls me toward him so that our lips touch.

  “Alex,” I say softly against his mouth.

  He doesn’t wait for me to continue as he deepens our kiss. I want this more than anything. I need him. I need to trust him and trust in us. His tongue dives into my mouth as his lips assault mine. I give into everything that he pulls from me. Every ounce of my restraint melts away. I believe him. I believe that he wants this. That he wants us. My body begins to tremble in his arms and my legs feel weak.

  He presses me against the wet brick wall of my building and pries my legs open with his knee. “God, I want you so bad,” he moans into my mouth.

  “Alex,” I pant as his arousal presses into my belly, “not here. Not now. Not this way.” I gently press on his arms to push him away so that we’re looking into each other’s eyes. My body is fighting my mind. I want to pull him back against me.

  “We can’t do this right now,” I say as he slowly nods in agreement. “Kirsten is upstairs with Sara. Alex, Marta died. I told Sara tonight.” I begin to cry as he pulls me tight against his chest. “She was devastated, Alex. She was crying and sobbing, and it reminded me of when Trina died. She needs me and I need to know that I can be there for her. I’m so afraid that I can’t do this right for her.” I sob as my self-doubt creeps into my head. I don’t know if I have the strength that she needs from me.

  “Yes, you are strong enough, Tabby. I know it’s hard right now, but just be there and show her that you’re not going anywhere. Show her that you love her. Comfort her. Cry with her. She’ll know and understand.” He pauses then says, “After Pops died, Dax’s family was there for me, especially his mother. She would let me cry myself to sleep for days, weeks, months on end. She held me every single time and didn’t let me go. She never tried to answer my questions. She just listened to me and let me release my anger, grief, and sadness. I screamed and cursed my father’s name for so long, and she just let me. I never realized how important her comfort was until now. I can be there for you. For Sara. Please let me.”

  The tension lifts from my body as I suddenly realize that I don’t have to do any of this alone. Sara needs a family and I want to give one to her. Alex and I still have some road to pave in front of us, but he’s here right now, offering himself to me and to Sara.

  “I want that,” I say as I place my head against his chest. We’re soaking wet now, and I begin to shiver uncontrollably.

  “Shit, Tabs! We need to get inside. Where is your key?”

  “I think it’s in my pocket,” I whimper as I shake in his arms. I feel him reach into my jacket and I hear the jingle of my keys as he lets us into the building. He lifts me and I wrap my legs around his waist as he carries me up the stairs.

  “Are you okay? I don’t want to bring you inside if you’re not calm enough. If Sara is awake, it might upset her,” he says softly into my ear as he lowers my feet to the floor. I feel his warm breath on my neck as he places kisses from my cheek to my lips. I inhale deeply as his mouth finds its way to mine again, softly kissing and nipping. “Are you warm yet?” He moans softly against my mouth.

  I’m actually on fire and need him more than he can imagine.

  “Mmm hmm …” I say against his lips.

  “You sure? I can get you warmer,” he says as he crushes his mouth against mine again. We make out like teenagers outside my apartment, as though I’m late for curfew, and he’s stealing the last few kisses from me before I’m called inside.

  We’re both panting when the lock turns on my door.

  “Tabby?” Kirsten whispers from inside.

  I quickly pull away from Alex and he turns to adjust himself.

  “Yes, it’s me. It’s us,” I whisper back to her as she opens the door slowly.

  “What are you guys doing out here?” she asks as her eyes wander over the both of us. She covers her mouth with her hand. “God, you guys are soaked! Get in here and get out of those wet clothes before you both freeze to death.”

  Alex grins and grabs my hand, pulling me inside.

  Sara is curled up on the couch, sound asleep.

  “How is she?” I ask.

  “She hasn’t moved at all. She’s been asleep since you left.” She grabs her coat and purse. “Goodnight.” She smiles at me then turns to face Alex. “It’s good to see you again, Alex.” She leaves and quietly closes the door behind her.

  We face each other and he reaches out and pushes my wet hair away from my eyes. His finger lingers on my cheek and he smiles. “I love you so much, Tabs. So fucking much.”

  I reach up and place my hand over his, leaning into his caress. “Thank you.” I can’t believe that I’m hearing those words again, and it feels like it’s the very first time. “I love you, too,” I say as my eyes
stare into his. “You have no idea how much it means to me to have you here with me and Sara.” I look over at my daughter asleep on the couch.

  He nods and walks over to her. He scoops her up, walks past her bedroom, and carries her into mine. I shrug off my wet jacket and wait for him to return.

  “She shouldn’t be alone tonight,” he says as he starts to strip off his wet clothes. “I’ll sleep in her room. You go be with her.” He smiles as he walks toward me and pulls me into a tight embrace. “I’ll be right here if you need me. I’m here for you and Sara. I will be, always.” He kisses my forehead and then whispers, “Goodnight, Tabs. I love you.”

  He walks into Sara’s room. The thought of him sleeping in her pink, frilly bed surrounded by her princesses and stuffed toys makes me giggle.

  I undress and slip into warm pajamas. I don’t have much to offer Alex to wear, but he can’t sleep in wet clothes. I grab my oversized, pink robe from behind my door and carry it to Sara’s room. He’s still undressing when I toss the robe onto her bed.

  “Sorry, this is all I have.” I smile and turn to leave. He rushes over and grabs me from behind. I try to stifle a giggle as he nuzzles into my neck.

  “Alex, it’s not the time or place,” I whimper, but I long for so much more.

  He kisses my neck and gently releases me. When I turn around to face him, he has the robe on and is tying the rope around his waist.

  “Wow, you look – just wow.” I grin as I leave the room.

  As difficult as this day has been for Sara and me, having him here makes me feel safe. Protected. He’ll be here to help me get Sara through the tough times. He’ll hold her with me and cry with her. Try to answer her questions and allow her to grieve.

  I crawl into bed next to Sara and pull her against me. She’s only been here a few days, but I would give my life to protect her. I want her pain to go away. I want to see the smile and light back in her eyes. I’ll do anything for her.

  As I drift off to sleep, holding my little girl in my arms, I realize that I didn’t get the chance to talk to Alex about his visit with the Finnegans. I suddenly feel terrible that we’ve been focused on me and my issues today.

  I vow to not only be there for my daughter, but also for Alex. I need to help him continue to heal from the decision that I made about Emily. He needs to know that I love him and that we are now in this journey together.

  I’m ready to start again. Fresh.

  I’m ready to build my family.

  Present

  Age 24

  WHEN I wake up, I realize that I’m still wearing Tabby’s pink, fluffy robe and that I’m sleeping in Sara’s pink, fluffy bed. I chuckle as I stand and tie the robe tight around my waist, and think there is no place that I’d rather be. These two girls mean the world to me.

  I follow the giggles coming from the kitchen and find Sara and Tabby in a cloud of flour. “Tabby’s showing me how she makes chocolate chip pancakes!” Sara exclaims and giggles even harder as she points at my outfit. “Alex, you’re wearing a pink robe!” She buckles over in laughter and slaps her hand on the counter.

  “Nice, Alex. I see you’re comfortable.” Tabby smirks as she turns on the hand mixer. More flour fills the air and Sara laughs so hard she begins gasping for breath. “I give up!” Tabby says and tosses the hand mixer aside. “Why is this happening?” She gestures toward all of the flour in the air.

  I walk over to the counter and look in the bowl. “Um, I think you’re missing some ingredients,” I say as I back away from her. “I don’t see any milk in there or eggs. It just looks like flour and chocolate chips.” I laugh and dart across the room before she can grab me.

  Sara’s cackles fill the apartment when Tabby starts to chase me, holding her flour covered hands in the air. Her face is coated so much that her eyelashes are completely white.

  We play a little game of cat and mouse, and I finally let her catch me. She throws herself into my arms, transferring much of the dry pancake mix onto me. She completes her assault when she rubs her face all over mine. I can feel the dry coating on my skin as I pick her up and twirl her around. I back up into the counter and suddenly see a puff of smoke form around my head and feel something land on me.

  Sara has dumped what was left of the dry mix over me as Tabby guided me into the trap. The three of us start hurling mix all over the kitchen and dining area. We’re laughing and choking on the clouds of flour in the air, and it’s honestly the best time I’ve had in a very long time.

  I realize that even though Sara was devastated yesterday by the loss of her grandmother, she’s bouncing back. We all are. I’m happy to help keep her mind off of the sadness that I’m sure will seep back into her thoughts over the course of the next few days, weeks, and months.

  There’s a knock on the door and Tabby says, “Oh, shit.” Realizing the curse word that just left her mouth, she covers it and shakes her head. “This place is a disaster!”

  Sara opens the door and smiles when Dottie and Caitlin come in.

  “Hey,” Dottie says as she looks around curiously. “Did we interrupt something?”

  Caitlin starts giggling and touches Sara’s face, drawing a line down her cheek through the flour.

  “Mom! How come we don’t have food fights at home?” she asks.

  “Sara, I forgot to tell you that Caitlin and her mom wanted to take you to the zoo today. Are you up for it?” Tabby asks and looks unsure of the decision that she made the night before.

  “Yes, I’d like to go,” Sara says quietly.

  “Okay, go get cleaned up,” Tabby answers and looks between me and Dottie. I can tell that she’s nervous. Caitlin follows down the hall after Sara, and before long, the two of them are giggling.

  “Are you sure it’s okay, Dottie?” Tabby asks. “I don’t know what she’s going to be like today. Maybe she should stay home with me.” She glances over at me, “Umm, with us.” she corrects herself. “Maybe she should stay home today, you know, just in case she needs to break down, cry, scream, get angry.”

  “Tabby, it’ll be fine. If she starts to get upset, the zoo is a ten minute drive from here. We can get her home to you pretty quick. She needs to deal in her own way, and spending time with Caitlin will help keep her mind occupied. Let’s not force her sad feelings,” Dottie answers and she really does make sense. Sara is going to deal with Marta’s death in her own way, and we need to follow her cues.

  Tabby considers it, and nods. “Okay. But promise me that you’ll bring her home if she seems out of sorts. Please.”

  “We’re ready!” Caitlin exclaims as she pulls Sara toward the front door. “I love the lions. I think you’re going to love them, too,” she tells Sara as Dottie follows them out into the hallway. She turns to face us, “Bye!”

  “Goodbye and have fun.” I close the door behind them, and turn to Tabby. She wears her apprehension like a cloak.

  “Alex, I don’t think that was a good idea. I should be with her. I don’t think she’s ready to deal with this on her own.” She places her flour covered face into her hands.

  “She’s going to be fine. I promise,” I whisper into her hair as I pull her against me. “You, on the other hand, are a complete mess.” I chuckle as I scoop her up and carry her toward the bathroom.

  She wraps her arms around my neck and doesn’t fight me as I turn on the water and place her under the hot stream, fully clothed. I let go of her and she grabs my hand, pulling me in with her.

  As we rinse off the flour that covers our bodies, she leans her head onto my chest. I drop the wet, pink robe, and she lifts her tee shirt over her head. I take my boxer briefs off, and then hook my fingers in her panties, and pull them off her. I kneel in front of her, wrap my hands around the back of her smooth thighs, and place small kisses on her as I work my way up her legs. My tongue swirls and traces around her belly button, causing her harsh intake of breath. Her fingers lace into my hair, and when I look up, her head softly hits the tile.

  We don’t spe
ak. We just feel. We belong here together and she needs me as much as I need her.

  “Alex,” she moans as my fingers softly pinch her erect nipple. My other hand moves lower and she parts her thighs. As soon as I feel her warmth pulsate around my two fingers, I grow impatient and pull her down to her knees so that we’re once again staring into each other’s eyes. We’ve waited too long for this. It’s time.

  I take her face into my hands and say, “I love you, Tabs,” against her wet lips. I don’t wait for her to respond. I kiss her tenderly, slowly slipping my tongue into her mouth. She nips at it with her teeth, causing me to lose control. She gasps when I wrap my hands around her ass and pull her to a sitting position, directly over my erection. I can feel myself at her entrance as she begins to slowly rotate her hips, grinding against me. She reaches between us, wrapping her hand around my length, slowly guiding me into her warm folds. God, she feels amazing around me, and I thrust forward so that I’m fully inside.

  The water pounds on my back and over her face. She looks incredible. Feels incredible. I bury my head into her neck and say, “Only you, Tabs. It’s only ever been you.” It’s the truth and I’m not sure she fully understands what I’m saying to her. I haven’t been with anyone since her, since she got pregnant with Emily.

  She wraps her arms around me and her warm lips trail small kisses from my neck back to my mouth. She slips her tongue past my lips and we become one.

  “I love you, Alex,” she moans into my mouth as our passion ignites. Our hands grope, pull, and massage each other as our bodies move in unison. I reach between us and circle two fingers around her clit, causing her to begin to tremble and shake in my arms. She swirls her hips, pulling me tighter against her body and firmly positioning my fingers to bring her to where she needs. She yells, “Alex,” as I feel her walls contract around me. I lose it and pull her hard against me, pumping into her as I join her in release. We slow down our pace and she settles on me as my cock twitches inside of her. I don’t want to let her go. This is how we belong.