Dear Tabitha

by Trudy Stiles

  “Wow,” she whispers in my ear, lightly nipping it. I pull her tight against me, burying my face in her neck.

  “Wow,” I say back as I trail kisses over to her shoulder.

  She reaches past me, turns off the water, and then places her head back on my shoulder. “I’m so glad that we found each other again, Alex,” she whispers.

  I squeeze her tighter. “We belong together,” I reply. I’m still inside her and I feel myself twitch again.

  She reaches outside the shower and I feel warmer when she wraps a dry towel around my shoulders. She begins to shiver, so I find a towel on the floor and do the same. We’re both covered, warm, and still connected. I pull her mouth to mine, shift our bodies, and press her back onto the floor of the shower. She wraps her legs around me as I kneel and swirl my hips, my erection once again growing inside of her. This time, our eyes stay locked together as we slowly make love again. Tears stream down her cheeks as she climaxes around me, pulling me with her over the edge. Our wet bodies remain tangled and shivering.

  “We need to get out of here before we’re both pruned,” she says laughing.

  “I’ll take it if I can stay like this forever,” I reply, not wanting to leave the warmth of her body.

  We reluctantly get up, finish drying off, and get dressed. When we walk into the kitchen, she gasps. “Oh my God. This place is a disaster.” She shakes her head and walks back to her bedroom. “I can’t deal with it right now.” She reaches her hand back and grabs mine. “Let’s go back to bed,” she says quietly and I follow eagerly.

  We spend the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon wrapped around each other, making love. Connecting. Loving each other.

  This is how it should be and I’m never leaving her again.

  Present

  Age 24

  Dear Tabitha,

  (Dictated by Sara, Age 5)

  Yesterday was my birthday, and I start Kindergarten soon. Nona says that I’m a big girl now. She gave me a princess bike for my birthday. It has training wheels, but that’s okay. My helmet has all of the princesses on it. I carry my favorite Ariel doll in the basket on the front. I ride it around our driveway and pretend that I’m a really big kid.

  Can you guess what I was for Halloween? I was Ariel! I wore a long red wig and a mermaid costume. Nona took lots of pictures. She says I smile just like Ariel.

  Did you know that I can read too? The first book that I read is called Biscuit. He’s a cute puppy that always gets into trouble.

  Nona says she’s proud of me. And that she knows you would be, too.

  Love,

  Sara

  Halloween now has an entirely new meaning for me. A purpose. Despite the fact that it’s my birthday and the day that Trina died, I’m suddenly ready to give Sara a Halloween to remember. I want to turn this dreary holiday into fun for her. For me.

  I already know that our friends are planning another Happy Un-Birthday Merry Halloween and I’m starting to get excited. I want to share and build new traditions with Sara. I realize that I have several ugly Christmas sweaters in my closet, but she has none. I plan to go to the thrift shop later today so that I can get her the perfect sweater. I can’t wait for her to be a part of our new traditions.

  Tears form when I look at the picture of Sara when she was five years old. She’s wearing her favorite Ariel costume and holding her trick-or-treat bag. I’m still in shock and awe that Marta did this all for me. For us. I look forward to every new letter that I read. I loved Sara from the moment I laid eyes on her as an infant, and it has grown exponentially every single day since I met her.

  I fold her letter, put it into my bag, and turn toward Kirsten. We’re in the bookstore unloading a new shipment.

  “What are you smiling about, Tabby?” she asks me as she tears open a new box.

  I wrap my arms around my belly, hugging myself. “For the first time in a long time, I’m looking forward to my birthday. I can’t wait to experience Halloween with Sara. It’s going to be great.” I picture her dressed as a princess while she bounces from door to door, collecting candy.

  Kirsten seems distracted. “Holy shit.” She’s looking at a book and shaking her head. “Did you see this?” She turns the book so the cover is facing me.

  It’s hard to see from across the room, but I make out the title.

  Covet.

  “Tabby, this could be you,” she says while looking from the cover and back to me again. “It’s uncanny.”

  I walk closer, taking the book from her hands. She’s right. The cover model looks very much like me. It’s a close-up picture. Her stare is captivating and sensual. The look on her face is so expressive, like she knows something the rest of the world doesn’t know, slightly aloof and a little confident.

  I’m lost in her gaze and I definitely see myself in her eyes. I completely understand what she’s trying to convey. She’s won, achieved something that is only attainable by a select few. That’s what her eyes tell me, and I connect with her immediately. I know what victory feels like. To overcome demons. Yes, this woman on the cover could absolutely be me, and I’m drawn to her. I flinch a little when I hear Kirsten’s voice. “Tabby? Tabby? Are you listening?”

  How long has she been trying to get my attention? “Yeah?” I look up from the book to make eye contact with her. “I’m listening.” I’m really not, and honestly have no idea what she’s been saying.

  “I’ve been waiting for his latest release for ages!” she exclaims as she takes the books from the box and places them at the number one spot on the ‘New Releases’ shelf. “I can’t believe it’s here. Can you?”

  “Um, no. I guess not?” I’m confused. Kirsten and I talk so much about books, especially the highly anticipated ones. But for some reason, this one is not in my memory bank.

  “Josh Ryan’s new book! Hello? What hole have you been hiding in?” She waves her hands in the air.

  Ah! Now I remember. Kirsten’s been following Josh’s writing schedule, pretty much stalking this release.

  “Yes, I remember now,” I say and walk toward the front of the store.

  She takes one of the books from the box and tucks it under her arm. “I can’t wait to read this. It’s supposed to have one of the steamiest love triangles since Mia Asher’s Arsen.”

  Mia’s book is a huge favorite of mine, and I find it hard to believe that anything can compete.

  I raise my eyebrows and just nod.

  “Did you know that Josh Ryan is a pen name? So many people have been trying to figure out who he really is. What do you think?” she asks.

  “I honestly have no idea.” I shake my head.

  She flips the book over again so I’m staring into the eyes of the cover model.

  “Check out this blurb.” She reads, “‘Trinity has endured the unthinkable in her twenty-five years. Abuse. Loss. Heartache. She’s looking to start over in a city where she is a complete unknown. Her history is her own to forget. To hide. Until she meets Jason …” She continues reading, but I’m not listening any longer.

  Jason? I stare at the cover again and tear the book from Kirsten’s hands.

  “Hey!” she complains. “I wasn’t finished.”

  I scan the blurb on the back, and suddenly realize this is the book. I sat next to this author on the plane to Portland. But how? How did he finish it so quickly? It can’t be the same book. Right?

  I shake my head and give it back to her. “Sorry, I thought it was something else.” But I can’t shake the feeling that this is Jason’s book. It’s just too much of a coincidence.

  “You’re acting weird, Tabby.” She laughs and places the book into her tote. “I’m totally reading this tonight.”

  “Let me know how it is,” I say, gathering up the empty boxes to throw them into the recycling bin out back.

  When I return to the store, Kirsten asks, “Are you all set for tomorrow? Do you have Sara’s sweater?”

  “Not yet, I was hoping to leave early. Is that
okay?” I ask.

  “Absolutely! I can hold down the fort here.” She smiles as she looks around the empty store.

  “Thanks, I also have another errand to run before that, and it might take me a while. Is it okay if I head out?” I’m anxious to get on the road since I’m heading out to Spring Lake, New Jersey. I have a birthday gift for Emily and I’m meeting Carly at the boardwalk around lunchtime. Although I’ve chatted with her over Facebook and email, we haven’t actually seen each other in person since Emily was born.

  “Oh?” Kirsten says curiously.

  “I’m meeting Carly. I have a birthday present for Emily,” I answer, looking down at the floor.

  “Wow. Just – wow,” she says. “Are you okay going alone? I mean … you haven’t seen her since, well, since Emily was born.”

  She states what I already know.

  “Yeah, I’m going to be fine. It’s okay, really. I feel like I finally have complete closure, you know? I feel like I need to see Carly and thank her. She needs to know how much I admire her. As a mother. I feel like this time of year is the right time to do this.”

  It’s not lost on me that Halloween signifies so many things in my life.

  Death.

  Life.

  Love.

  And now a new beginning with Sara.

  “Well, what are you waiting for? It’s two hours round trip! Get moving. You don’t have all day.” She nudges me toward the door.

  I look past her to the New Releases shelf and stare at the character on the cover of Covet. Her eyes speak volumes. I am like her. I am her.

  I have battled all of my demons, and I’ve finally won.

  I wave to Kirsten, blow her a kiss, and jog over to my car. Once I’m inside, I turn on the radio and drive to the beach with a smile plastered across my face.

  ~

  Carly and I meet at a large, white pavilion, a landmark in the middle of the boardwalk. It’s easy to spot, and I see her sitting on a bench facing the water. I clear my throat when I approach so I don’t startle her.

  She stands, and turns to face me. “Tabby, hi.” She pulls me into a tight embrace and hugs me longer than I expect, but I don’t feel uncomfortable. She’s so familiar to me, and although we haven’t seen each other in a while, it’s okay. I don’t want her to let me go.

  “How are you?” I ask as we sit on opposite benches, facing each other. “How’s Kyle? Emily?”

  Her face lights up at the mention of her daughter’s name. “They’re both great. Emily’s getting so big, Tabby. And she’s such a smart little girl. She’s amazing.” Carly’s love and admiration seep out of every pore on her body. Her eyes are shining and her grin is huge. She’s expressive and wears her heart and mind on her sleeve.

  “That’s awesome. Wow. I can’t believe how time is flying by, Carly. It seems like just yesterday that we met.” I blink back unintended tears. This is not meant to be a sob-fest at all. I want to give her a gift for Emily and then leave. I have so much to celebrate tonight with Sara and Alex. It’s a new beginning.

  “Did Alex tell you the news?” she asks me as she clasps her hands together.

  “No, what news?” I ask.

  “Kyle and I have been selected by a birth mother to raise her son. She’s due to give birth any day now and we’ll be traveling to Virginia when he’s born!”

  Her excitement is evident and I’m so happy for them.

  “That’s incredible! No, Alex didn’t tell me, but we’ve been a bit busy lately. Maybe it slipped his mind.” I wonder if he didn’t want me to know. Maybe he thought it would upset me, especially this time of year. I realize that we haven’t had the opportunity to really talk since his visit with them, and I quickly forgive his oversight.

  “His name is Caleb. Well, he will be named Caleb. Oh, Tabby, we are so happy. And we’re even happier for Emily. Our family is going to be complete once he’s here.” She looks out toward the waves breaking along the shore. This town is so beautiful and I’m thrilled that Emily is growing up here. It’s peaceful. Perfect.

  “So are you all ready?” I ask, following her gaze out to the water.

  “As ready as we can be right now. It’s been a bit of a whirlwind, honestly. We were selected so quickly by his birth mother that it hasn’t officially sunk in. His furniture should be delivered within the next week, and Kyle just finished transforming our spare room into his nursery. Emily is so excited that she’s going to have a baby brother.”

  I want to hear more about Emily and her reaction, but I don’t want to pry into their personal life.

  We sit silently for a few minutes before she continues, “Thank you for letting us meet Alex. He’s a truly wonderful man, and I’m so happy that you both have found each other again.”

  I’m not sure why, but hearing her say that means so much to me. “Thank you, Carly. It’s been a long road, but I’m happy to have him back in my life.” I think how incredible it is to have both Sara and Alex back in my life. This time for good.

  “How are things going with Sara?” she asks.

  Shortly after Sara came home with me, I emailed Carly because I wanted her to know about Emily’s sister. I spared her all of the details about Marta and Tony, but gave her enough background to know some of the hows and whys.

  “You could say that things have been a whirlwind for me lately, as well,” I muse, “but we are taking it one day at a time.”

  I look down at my phone and see that almost an hour has passed. We have so much to get ready for tonight and tomorrow that I really should be going soon. I reach into my bag and hand her a box.

  “You don’t have to open this now. It’s for Emily, someday. It’s pictures of her sister, Sara.” I made copies of the photos that Marta included with all of the letters from Sara. I envision Emily going through these pictures and getting to know her older sister one day.

  “Thank you. I’ll give this to her someday. I can’t wait to tell her all about Sara. But I hope you understand that she may not completely understand just yet. She’s too young to grasp the idea that she has a sister. But I promise you that when she’s ready, I will absolutely tell her anything you want me to share,” she says as she tucks the gift into her purse.

  “Great,” I say as I shift in my seat.

  “So, I want to tell you something, and you may already have an idea about this one way or another.” she hesitates but continues. “Alex. When I saw him and looked into his eyes, I saw Emily. Their eyes are identical, Tabby. The most unique eyes that I’ve ever seen. I just thought you’d want to know.” She looks away, almost embarrassed that she made the inference.

  What she says does not shock me one bit. In my mind, it’s always been Alex. When I’ve pictured myself with Emily, it was always Alex with us as a family. I shiver, smile, and nod.

  “I think I always knew, Carly,” I say softly as she pulls me into another quick hug.

  My family. Sara and Alex.

  “Goodbye, Tabby, and Happy Birthday,” she says as she walks down the boardwalk.

  “Goodbye,” I whisper as she walks away.

  As I walk to my car, I text Alex.

  On my way home. Need to get Sara’s ugly sweater and then it’s party time.

  I saw Carly today and we talked about everything. She told me that she saw you with Emily and that you were wonderful. She also said that she noticed something. Your eyes. My God, they’re her eyes. Emily’s.

  I love you, Alex. So much. xx

  While I don’t regret anything that I’ve done to make sure that Emily has a wonderful, happy life, I miss the family that we might have been together, me, Alex, Sara, and Emily. I’m not sad, but nostalgic.

  I jump in my car and take a deep breath. I’ve had closure for a long time about my decisions, but I still need to help Alex gain the same level that I’ve been able to find. I realize that it’s going to be a bumpy road, but we’re going to do it together. That I’m sure about.

  ~

  I arrive back in Philly wit
h about an hour to spare. I’m meeting Alex and Sara at the bookstore along with the rest of the gang. We decided to do our Merry Un-Birthday party tonight so we can bring back the traditional Halloween fun with Sara. We plan to trick-or-treat tomorrow, and I can’t wait. I secretly hope that Alex brought the skull and mistletoe for tonight. I’d love for him to whisk me into the back of the bookstore and kiss me like he did so long ago.

  I’m able to find the perfect ugly sweater for Sara to wear. I pay for it and leave the thrift shop, excited for tonight! We are going to look hideous! It thrills me to include Sara in our traditions. And I can’t wait to make new ones with her and Alex.

  I plan to wear the same sweater that I wore so many years ago, and I hope that Alex does the same. Things are very different because I’m in a much better place. I feel the same love that I felt for him back then, and I’m so very happy. So much has come full circle for us, and we’re about to start the next chapter in our lives.

  I look down at my phone, checking to see if Alex read and responded to my text. Not yet. I step off the curb and hear a loud horn and screeching tires. I have just enough time to look left to see a city bus barreling towards me.

  I don’t have time to get out of the way, and as the bus plows into me, my body shatters and collapses. The last thing I see is Trina’s smiling face as pain, and then a dark calm settles over my body.

  Present

  Age 25

  Dear Tabitha,

  (Dictated by Sara, Age 6)

  I lost my first tooth last night! The Tooth Fairy came and gave me TEN WHOLE DOLLARS!!! Can you believe it? Nona says that it’s special when you lose your first tooth. The Tooth Fairy has extra prizes saved for those special times. I’m going to put it in my piggy bank. I’m saving my money so I can come visit you someday.

  Nona says that when we find you, I can see you as much as I want. So I need a lot of dollars to do that. Good thing I have a lot of teeth!

  Love,

  Sara

  Tears streak my face as I read and re-read the letter they found in Tabby’s pocket. I hold the crumpled picture that was folded inside the envelope and smooth it out as best as I can. Dried blood and some gravel from the street are stuck to it. I stare at Sara’s smiling face, obviously showing off the wide gap in her bottom row of teeth.