The Widow and the Rock Star

by J. Thomas-Like

  “Friend of a friend.” I really didn’t want to be standing here talking to her, but I had no choice. I didn’t have it in me to be rude and walk away.

  “Is he single?” Her eyes sparkled with excitement.

  “Uh, I’m not sure.” That was a question I was not prepared for. Of course he was, but I was overcome with a rush of jealousy. Mentally, I rolled my eyes.

  “Think I should ask him out?” Max tossed her cigarette to the pavement and crushed it with the heel of her spiked stiletto. She wore a short, tight skirt, fishnet stockings, and a thin, spaghetti-strap tank top, all in black. Most of her tattoos were black and white, with a few color pieces scattered here and there, but all very tastefully done. Her platinum blond hair was long and pulled up in a messy ponytail on the top of her head. I could see dark roots at her hairline, but that seemed to be the style she was going for. Her makeup was heavy and in line with the Goth style, with thick, black eyeliner and blood red lips.

  “Uh, I guess.” My voice lacked any enthusiasm, but she didn’t seem to notice. She squealed with delight and rushed into the shop.

  Shaking my head, I took a deep breath and smiled. In spite of my general lack of confidence in most situations, I was pretty positive her request for a date would be turned down. Regardless of whether or not Will and I were any sort of item, I didn’t think he would accept an invitation from someone else until I was long gone back to Michigan.

  Although, I was beginning to wonder if I would be going home any time soon. The conversation with my mom that morning had really planted a seed of doubt in my mind. Mom was so insistent that I stay and I knew she only had my best interests at heart. Maybe I could stay for a while, then go home to check on things for a while. I imagined dividing my time between the West Coast and the Midwest. Could it work?

  Tired of thinking about it all and realizing I’d been gone quite a while, I went back inside the shop. The buzzing noise had stopped. As I moved toward the back, I had to pass Max, who was behind the counter once again. She glared at me like I’d just murdered her kitten. I looked away quickly in my pursuit of Will.

  “You’re not finished yet, are you?”

  “Almost. It’s pretty small, so it’s not taking that long.” Will smiled at me, but turned his arm so I couldn’t see the progress. “Don’t look yet. I want to wait until it’s done.”

  “All right.”

  “Have you thought about one for yourself?”

  I scrunched up my face.

  “Not really. I’ve been thinking of other things.” I glanced around at the hundreds of tattoos on the walls. “I’ll keep looking.”

  “Joe here said he’d do ya,” Will waggled his eyebrows, “so don’t think too long.”

  “Heh, right.” I snorted and walked away to keep browsing. I liked the idea of an inkpot and quill to signify my writing, but it didn’t really have much to do with Dad. I was too old to consider Bugs Bunny anymore. And I really wasn’t the flower, dolphin, and butterfly kind of girl.

  And then I saw it. It was on the wall, about level with my waist. I might not have noticed it at all if I hadn’t reached down to scratch an itch on my knee. It was a feathered quill pen standing up amongst a beautiful swirl of black lines. The background was variant shades of purples and blues outlining the black lines. I knew without a doubt that if I were to get a tattoo, this was it. Squatting down, I leaned in closer to look at the wild, curly black lines. It reminded me of my thought processes when writing. All over the place at first, but when you backed away, it was a tightly woven labyrinth of words.

  “I think I found something,” I called out over my shoulder in Will’s direction. The buzzing of the tattoo gun stopped.

  “Just in time,” Will answered. I stepped back over to him to watch Joe spray something on his arm. The hint of alcohol told me it had to be an antiseptic. Then he slathered Will’s arm with petroleum jelly to protect the fresh piece.

  “What do you think?” He leaned close so I could see it better.

  I didn’t know what to think. The pinup girl now had long, red flowing hair exactly the shade of my own. Her bathing suit was no longer a two-piece but a sexier one piece that reminded me of my own suit. And instead of her one hand resting on her hip, it was now jutting out, and between her fingers was an old-fashioned fountain pen. She was winking at me.

  “Wow,” was all I could manage.

  Will frowned.

  “You don’t like it?”

  I did like it. The line work was phenomenal and the colors popped like the girl was going to jump right off his bicep and into his arms. It was wonderful. But it was me.

  “It’s beautiful, Will,” I stammered. “It doesn’t look like the sketch you showed me.”

  He pulled himself out of the chair and stepped to my side.

  “It evolved.” That’s all he said, and then he leaned down to kiss me in a slow and gentle way.

  “Which one did you want?” Joe appeared behind Will, drying his hands with a towel.

  I shook my head a little to clear my brain and then I froze. Was I really going to do this nutty thing?

  “Well, it’s over here.” I pulled Will with me to show him the picture.

  “That’s perfect!” Will grinned. “It’s totally you.”

  “Yes, it is,” I admitted. “I’m not sure I’m ready for it yet.”

  Joe looked impatient and it made me cringe.

  “I’m sorry if I’ve wasted your time.” I looked to Will for support. His understanding smile calmed me down.

  “It’s okay.” Joe shrugged and retreated behind the beaded curtain. He returned with some medical tape and a roll of paper towel. He covered Will’s bicep and then gave him all the instructions to care for the new tattoo. They shook hands and Will thanked him.

  “Let me pay for this and we’ll get out of here, okay?”

  I nodded and started walking to the door as Will went to the counter. When he was finished, he joined me and held the door as we left. Once in the car, he turned to me.

  “That Max girl asked me out.”

  I snorted.

  “Yeah, she asked me outside if it would be okay.”

  “I said no. Immediately.” Will shook his head. “I think she might not have taken the hint until she saw the tattoo.”

  I raised my eyebrows.

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah. When she saw how much it was like you, she got real cold, real fast.” We both laughed out loud. “I hope you aren’t upset about it. I thought you’d be flattered.”

  “Oh, I am!” I reached to squeeze his hand. “It just shocked me a little bit. I’ve never been immortalized in ink before.”

  He laughed and leaned over to give me a quick kiss.

  “You hungry yet? It’s after seven.”

  “Eh, not really. Are you?”

  “Hell, I can always eat.” Will rubbed is stomach. “I’ll hold off, though. Want to head back to my place? We could hang out, watch a movie?”

  That was intriguing. I wouldn’t have thought a quiet evening at home was something Will would want.

  “That sounds nice.” I settled back in the seat as he put the car into gear and headed back to his house.

  Chapter 40

  I knew I was crushing hard on Vivienne, but it was clear she wasn’t feeling the same. She was distracted the whole way home and didn’t talk much. Making the tattoo look so much like her was probably a mistake. I gotta stop being so damn impulsive.

  I did manage to nail her down before we got to the house and we stopped to pick up some pizza. While we waited for it, I ran next door to 7-11 and got ice cream for dessert. That seemed to perk up her spirits when she checked to make sure I’d gotten cherry cordial. Shit, that was an easy one.

  When we got home, we ran into Billy and Tim as they were leaving to go bar hopping.

  “Hey, do you guys want to come along?” Billy asked, taking Vivienne’s hands in his and doing a little dance with her. It made me feel good to see her laugh and le
t him twirl her around.

  “Nah, we just got some pizza and we’re gonna hang.” I held up the box.

  “Suit yourself.” Billy released Vivienne and gave her a deep bow. Tim nodded to her and slugged me in the arm.

  “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Tim muttered, a grin spreading across his face.

  Vivienne blushed and I flipped Tim off while ushering her inside.

  We made our way to the kitchen so she could put the ice cream in the freezer. I put the pizza on the counter and moved around her easily to get plates from the cupboard.

  “Beer?” she asked, opening the fridge.

  “You bet.”

  “Any preference?”

  “Nope, it’s all cold.”

  I grabbed some napkins from the top of the fridge as she closed the door and then scooted under my arm.

  “Where shall we eat?” Vivienne held a beer in each hand. She pointed to the living room with one and the family room with the other.

  “TV’s in there.” I waved the napkins in the direction of the family room. “Let’s get comfy.”

  She took one end of the sofa and I took the other, placing the pizza box between us. I tore off a slice for her and put it on a plate, then handed it to her. I did the same for myself and we sat back to eat. I annihilated mine while Vivienne only picked at hers. I downed another slice and half my beer before she got near the crust of her own.

  “Viv, are you sure everything is all right?” I put my beer down on the end table and stared at her.

  “Yes, of course.” Her hands fluttered to her neck to fiddle with the silver necklace she wore.

  I felt a little better because she looked conflicted, not angry. Taking a chance, I was honest with her.

  “It seems like maybe you don’t want to be here.”

  The look she gave me was filled with anxiety.

  Chapter 41

  Here was my opportunity. Will had opened the door for me to be honest about my feelings, but as usual, I was stalling. I wished I had my laptop with me so I could write out what I wanted to say before I spoke. How frustrating to be almost forty and not be able to articulate my feelings in a mature and rational manner.

  “First, I want you to know, it has nothing to do with you,” I began. He looked puzzled.

  “Okay. What’s what got to do with what?”

  I smiled and sighed.

  “An awful lot has happened to me this week, Will. I think I’ve experienced more in the last five days than I did in the last fifteen years.” I stared down at the unfinished slice of pizza on my plate. I leaned over and carefully put the plate on the coffee table. I wiped my hands with a paper napkin and crumpled it up, nervously working it between my fingers.

  “I can understand that, Viv.” Will nudged my leg with his knee. “You can be honest with me. Did I do something to upset you?”

  “Oh, no!”

  I wanted to scream. I was messing this up and I put my hands into my hair and pulled.

  “I’m super confused right now. I have a lot of feelings boiling up inside me I didn’t think I’d ever have. I didn’t realize how much I missed Pepper until I saw her again. I never expected to meet someone, you, who could make me feel so good. I’m beginning to realize that a lot of great things are going on, in spite of Tony wiping me out. Too much… awesomeness all at once, I guess.”

  Will grinned and took a swig of beer.

  “Now you’re talkin’ my language. I was only twenty-two when Static got signed, and within a year, things exploded for us. I always think it must have been like what the Beetles or the Stones felt when they got so hot.”

  I chuckled and peeked at him beneath my lashes.

  “Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to compare myself with the Beetles or the Rolling Stones.”

  “Stephen King, then.”

  “Pffft, as if!” I shook my head. “You’re right, though. That’s a little how I feel. It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

  Will reached for my hand and I let him take it.

  “That is no way to live.”

  “I know.” I liked how our fingers looked together, his nicely tanned hands against the paleness of mine. “I wish I could explain to you what the last twenty years have been like for me, but you wouldn’t believe it, anyway.”

  “Just talk, Viv.” Will looked at me and I liked how his eyes shone in the dim lighting of the room.

  And the floodgates opened.

  I talked about Bruce and our marriage. I told him about how much writing meant to me. I recalled how Pepper and I first met and how our friendship was forged out of a mutual desire to be accepted as we were. I summarized the last seventeen years and how I’d hidden myself away so I didn’t have to face reality. He listened without interrupting. He was quiet and attentive. There was no judgment in his eyes or manner, and that alone gave me the confidence to keep going.

  “I spent a lot of time being angry at God and the universe for taking Bruce away from me. It was wasted time, and now I’m turning that anger inside. I’m furious with myself for giving away so many years. I can’t stand that I’m weak and have no confidence. No matter how much positive reinforcement I get, I still refuse to accept the good things in my life. Why do I do that?”

  Will did not offer any answers. I didn’t want him to. I needed to find the answers within me.

  “I tell everyone all the lies they want to hear. I agree when people tell me I’m smart or talented or attractive, but I never believe it inside. In my head, I’m saying, ‘Yeah, right, if you only knew the truth.’ It’s been so long, I don’t even know what the truth about anything is.”

  What was it about this man that I could lay my psyche bare before him? I couldn’t remember ever having been so forthcoming with Bruce. I could do it with Pepper, sure, but she would always smack me and tell me I was being an idiot. Of course, I expected that from her. And my mom. But Will was inspiring me to levels I didn’t know where there.

  “You have got to be sick of listening to me by now,” I sighed. I had no idea how late it was or how long I’d been blathering at him.

  “Not at all.” Will reached across the couch for me and pulled me into his arms. “You can talk as long as you want. We’re friends, right? That’s what friends do.”

  I appreciated his words and believed him. But I still hadn’t told him everything. I’d butted up to my feelings about him and staying in California a couple of times, never quite making the leap to say them out loud. As much as I needed someone to listen, I knew I wasn’t quite ready to go that far. As I lay in his arms, not speaking, my head was whirling with all the secrets I’d told him. Instead of feeling unburdened or lighter, I was weighted down with anxiety about what he was feeling or thinking about all of my baggage. You’re such an idiot, Viv.

  We stayed silent and still for a while, until I felt Will kiss the top of my head.

  “Better?”

  “Eh. I guess.”

  “Want to know what I think now?” His voice was calm and soft.

  “No.” I smiled into his chest. “I don’t think I’d like it.”

  “You might be surprised.”

  “O-okay.” I snuggled in closer against his chest, so I wouldn’t have to look at him as he spoke.

  “I think you’re way more normal than you think you are.”

  That was a good opening. I almost pulled away to stare at him.

  “Most people do the same things to themselves. They put on a face for the world that says ‘I’m confident, I’m smart, I can do this.’ But inside, they’re just as scared and doubtful as you are. The difference is, you’ve had some extraordinarily bad shit happen to you. Most people don’t marry at nineteen anymore and lose their spouse at twenty-two.”

  “No.” I never thought of my experience as any worse than anyone else’s.

  “You had every right to take it hard and give up a little. Sounds to me like you were pretty idealistic and had the confidence to believe all your dreams a
nd plans would come true. You had no reason not to believe. When everything crashed, it had to have been a pretty bad blow.”

  “Yeah,” I whispered. I could feel tears filling my eyes and hoped I could blink them back before he noticed his shirt getting wet.

  “Could you have handled it differently? Probably. Could you have made some different choices going forward? Sure. But you didn’t. You did the best you could with what you had, and there’s no sense regretting it all now. Water under the bridge. Spilled milk. Whatever. I’m thinking you’ve finally figured that out. Now you get to go forward with whatever you damn well want, and it scares you.”

  “Yup.” I swiped at my face, glad it wasn’t as wet as it could have been.

  “Shit, I’d be scared too. I think we all get to be about eighteen and then we stop. Oh sure, our bodies get older and the birthdays go by, we learn lessons as we go. But, emotionally and mentally, we never stop being the people we are when we’re young and full of hope and desire.”

  Will pulled his arms away and put his hands on mine. He pulled me up to look at him.

  “I would never tell you to forget your husband or the time you spent with him. Far be it from me to tell you how to deal with your mom or Pepper or any other relationships you have. But if you want to know the truth, I think you’re pretty damn lucky. It might be a scary spot to be in, but you can make any choice you want at this point, and even if it’s a bad choice, you don’t have anything holding you back. You’ve got freedom most people don’t have. Just stop being so hard on yourself. Give yourself permission to live and laugh and love. I think once you do that, you’ll be just fine.”

  That did it. The waterworks opened up and I couldn’t stop, even if I wanted to. Will handed me some napkins to mop at my face, grinning at me with an impish gleam in his eye.

  “I don’t know why you’re crying. Unless those are tears of joy.”

  I snorted and laughed, then hiccupped like a toddler getting over a tantrum.

  “No, I’m just an overly emotional doofus at this moment.”

  He shrugged and wrapped me back into a tight hug.