Learning to Breathe

by J. C. McClean

  Suddenly, Danny interrupted my thoughts.

  “Hey, you okay? You seemed like you were miles away.” He frowned at me in concern.

  I shook my head. “Sorry, I was listening – I promise.” I threw him a small smile and he grinned at me.

  “Yeah right, why do I feel like there’s more to you than meets the eye? What’s the big secret that you’re so desperate to hide? Who are you Darcie Gilmore?” He looked at me thoughtfully and I told myself not to get all defensive again.

  Instead, I smiled slyly at him. “Wouldn’t you like to know? Ever considered that it’s all in your head and that I’m just your average girl?”

  He shook his head and laughed. “There’s nothing average about you Darcie – trust me on that!”

  I laughed off his flirty comment and decided to change the subject to one I had been curious about all night.

  “So, how come you’re not getting wasted with your buddies over there?”

  Danny shrugged. “Someone needs to be the sober one.”

  I studied his face carefully and couldn’t help but think that he was holding something back – then again, was it so crazy to believe that he was just one of the rare teenagers who didn’t drink?

  I decided not to dwell on it and nodded. “Yeah, I know what you mean – Harriet was meant to be my ride home but she was very easily persuaded to have a drink!”

  I laughed and gestured over to where she was now standing next to Simon, chugging back another beer.

  Danny chuckled. “Yeah, never rely on a lift from Harri – she likes to party too much.”

  “Yeah, well I’m not much of a hardcore partier – I hope she doesn’t hold that against me!” I forced a laugh and Danny looked at me curiously.

  “Not a big drinker then?”

  “Not really. I just have the odd one now and then – why?”

  He shrugged. “No reason – it just means that you’ll probably have to help me round them all up later to make sure they get home okay.” He winked at me and I laughed.

  “Great – well, what’s in it for me?” I raised my eyebrow expectantly.

  I watched as he looked deep in thought for a second. “A lift home – I think that’s pretty fair.”

  “Okay, deal.” I chuckled as we shook hands in agreement.

  “So,” I began, changing the subject again. “Can I ask you something?”

  Danny nodded. “Yeah, you wanna know about the scars, right?”

  I nodded, slightly taken aback. “How’d you know? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” I added, afraid that I had offended him.

  He shook his head. “Usually people would ask about them straight away but not you.”

  I shrugged. “It’s none of my business.”

  Danny chuckled. “It’s okay. I had an accident a few years back … ended up with a cut on my forehead, and damaged nerves in my lip. It’s no big deal – just makes my smile look all weird so I have to work extra hard with the ladies!” He laughed but I couldn’t help but see a tinge of sadness in his eyes. I wondered if it really bothered him that much.

  “I highly doubt that!” I scoffed. “You seem quite capable with the ladies Mr Smooth!”

  Danny raised an eyebrow. “What makes you say that?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Is that a rhetorical question?”

  Danny shrugged. “Hey, I gotta work with what I’ve got.”

  I laughed and then glanced into those hazel eyes again. “Well, I know this’ll probably just inflate your ego even more but – for the record – I think your smile’s cute.”

  Danny grinned and his lopsided smile looked even more adorable. “Oh really?”

  I blushed stupidly. “Yes, okay? It’s the little imperfections that make someone unique.”

  “Huh,” Danny said thoughtfully. “I’ve never thought of it like that before.”

  “I’m just being honest.” I told him truthfully.

  He laughed. “You sure you still don’t want to go out with me? You know, with my cute smile and all, I’m sure it wouldn’t be as terrible as you think.”

  I sighed and shook my head wearily. “I knew I shouldn’t have said that! Thanks for the offer but no, it takes more than a charming smile to win me over. Besides, I highly doubt that you’re short on offers.”

  Danny gazed at me intently. “Well then, I guess I’ll just have to try harder then, won’t I?”

  Chapter Six

  A few hours later and the party started to break up. Many people had already gotten a lift home but I remained behind helping Danny, Harriet and a few others clear up the mess. Several bin bags later and everything was as it was before.

  Harriet then approached me, giggling madly – evidently, she was slightly tipsy.

  “Darcie, Samuel and I are getting a lift home with James’ brother – you don’t mind going with Danny, do you?”

  I frowned at her. “Shouldn’t you be coming home with us?”

  She shook her head. “No, my mother would kill me if she seen me like this – I’m kipping at Samuel’s house – his sister has a spare bed.”

  I slowly nodded. “Okay, see you later.”

  I watched her walk away and vaguely wondered how I would survive being alone with Danny and his interrogating questions.

  “So,” Danny began, as he sidled up beside me some time later. “You’ve held up your end of the bargain – I guess I should hold up my end. You ready to go?”

  I nodded and followed him to his car. He opened the door for me and I got into the passenger side of his Seat Ibiza. I was feeling pretty tired and was glad to be going home since the clock on the dashboard read 2am.

  “Well, did you have a good time tonight?” Danny enquired as soon as he started up the engine.

  I shrugged. “It was okay. I just really wanna get home now.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I know what you mean, I’m pretty beat too.”

  I wasn’t sure what else I should say to him so I remained silent, waiting for him to speak again.

  Danny sighed. “So, any plans for tomorrow?”

  “No … not at the minute. What about you?” I enquired politely, secretly hoping that he was busy because I was afraid that he was angling for a date again.

  “Yeah, I’ve an early swimming class at nine – I’ve the total joy of teaching about twenty hyper six year olds how to swim.”

  “Ooh, lucky you!” I laughed and found that he was chuckling along with me.

  “Wanna swap places? Or better yet, help me out?” He threw me that wicked grin and I shook my head.

  “Do you really think I’d give up a Saturday morning lie-in just to help you?” I raised my eyebrow quizzically.

  “Dream on Danny, dream on.” I told him with a sly smirk.

  He chuckled. “Okay, fair enough but you can’t blame a guy for trying.”

  I rolled my eyes at him. “Yeah okay, I’m just gonna ignore that last bit and tell you goodnight … and that I’ll see you Monday.”

  We had just pulled up outside my house and I quickly unbuckled my seatbelt.

  Danny flashed me a lopsided grin. “Not if I see you first.” He then winked and waved me goodbye as I got out of the car.

  I watched him drive off and then headed inside.

  My lungs felt like they were on fire. I could taste the salty water but there was nothing I could do to stop it from rushing into my lungs. I was choking while I screamed out for help and I could feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness. Suddenly, I could feel strong arms around me and hear someone comforting me.

  “Darcie, you’re going to be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise …”

  I jolted upright and vaguely became aware that I had been dreaming again. Taking deep breaths, I managed to steady my heart rate and then made my way downstairs in search of a glass of water. I hated this. I hated how the nightmares affected me. I sat down at the kitchen table, my head in my hands as I tried to erase the last echoes of the dream from my brai
n.

  I was too engrossed in my own thoughts that I failed to hear my mother enter the room until she spoke.

  “Another nightmare?” she enquired in a hushed tone.

  I shook my head but didn’t meet her eyes – I didn’t want her to know that they were still haunting me.

  “No, just couldn’t sleep.” I sneaked a look at her face to see if she was buying my pathetic excuse – it didn’t look like it.

  She frowned at me. “It’s four-thirty in the morning and you only got in 2 hours ago so I find that hard to believe. I’d have thought that you’d be unconscious by now.”

  I let out a low laugh. “Yeah I suppose I should be but what’s your excuse for being up so late?”

  “I’m concerned about my daughter.” she stated simply. “I thought they’d stopped.” she added with a worried look.

  I sighed heavily. “They have … I just get the odd one now and again but I’m fine … I promise.”

  I knew it was wrong to lie to my mother but I really didn’t want to cause her anymore stress than I had in the last eight months – she already had enough on her plate. Besides, it was my problem, not hers.

  She sighed. “Okay but if you ever want to talk, you know where I am.”

  I nodded. “Thanks but really, I’m fine.” I threw her a small smile and then went back up to bed.

  I felt guilty about lying but I didn’t want my mother to worry about me. If I told her the truth, it would inevitably mean more ‘how are you feeling’ conversations and those I could live without.

  I climbed back into bed and tried my best to think of anything but the nightmare. It wasn’t easy but I must have succeeded as the last thing I remembered was reading a book and then it was lights out.

  I woke up to find the sun streaming in through a crack in the curtains. I glanced at the clock – 9.30am. I groaned but forced myself to get up. After making my way downstairs, I found a note from my mother on the kitchen table:

  ‘Called into work. Don’t know when I’ll be home.

  Order yourself some pizza for dinner – the money’s on top of the microwave.

  Love you,

  Mum x’

  I stifled a yawn and leisurely ate my breakfast, wondering what to do with my day of freedom. I considered calling Harriet to make plans to go somewhere but quickly nixed that idea when I remembered that she wasn’t at home. Instead, I took my time showering and then contemplated about what to wear.

  By the time I had done all this, it was 11.30am and I still hadn’t decided what to do. However, my decision was made for me when I received a phone call from the leisure centre. One of the leaders of the Kids’ Klub was sick and I was needed to help out from twelve until three o’clock.

  I agreed and set about making my way to the bus stop. A short while later and I arrived at the centre, much to the relief of Mr Deacon.

  “Darcie! Thanks again for coming in at such short notice, I really appreciate it. Now, the Kids’ Klub is in the hall downstairs on your left. I think Danny’s probably already there.” And with that he rushed off.

  I must have stood still for about two minutes before my brain finally caught up with my senses. I decided to curse fate there and then – it seemed that it was determined that I should spend time with Danny.

  However, three hours in the same room with him seemed a bit unfair – I wasn’t sure if my patience would last. Could I really cope with him for that long? Or more to the point, would I be able to resist his charms for that long?

  An hour into Kids’ Klub and my head was splitting. Listening to a bunch of seven year olds scream and shout was not my idea of fun. Danny and I had tried to calm them down but they all seemed to become even more hyper. Thankfully, it was ten minutes until they all took a break for lunch.

  “I can’t cope with this much longer.” I admitted to Danny.

  Danny laughed. “I’m well used to it … three years of practice!”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “Seriously, I don’t know how I’m going to survive this for two more hours.”

  Danny nudged my arm. “Hey, we’re in this together and if that fails we’ll just bribe them with chocolate!”

  I had to laugh at that. “Okay, I’ll hold you to that.”

  Danny grinned and then began rounding up the kids to take them to the canteen.

  Chapter Seven

  Three o’clock finally came and to say that I was tired would have been an understatement – I was completely knackered. The kids managed to calm down a little but it was still hard work keeping track of them all. The last kid had just been picked up so Danny and I were now alone.

  “You need a lift home?” Danny asked as he cleared away the last of the paint pots.

  I was busy sweeping up scraps of paper and broken crayons from the floor and decided not to answer him until I had dumped the last of rubbish into the bin – it gave me more time to think about whether to accept his offer or not.

  “It’s okay, I can get the bus.” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to spend even more time alone with him.

  Danny glanced over in my direction. “Um, well have you looked outside? It’s pouring down.”

  My gaze quickly flickered to the window – yeah, it was raining pretty heavily. I sighed heavily. “Oh okay then, thanks.”

  Danny gave me a small half smile and took a sweeping glance around the room. “Okay, well as soon as you pack away that brush, we can leave.”

  I nodded and packed the brush and dustpan away in the cleaning cupboard. I grabbed my bag and then realised that I didn’t pack an umbrella – great, it looked like I was going to get soaked.

  “How far is your car?” I enquired as we made our way to the sliding doors.

  Danny smirked. “You afraid you’re going to ruin your hair?”

  I rolled my eyes. “I’ve paint on my t-shirt and glitter on my face … do you really think I’m worried about my hair?”

  Danny chuckled. “Fair point. The car’s just around the corner. We’ll have to make a run for it.”

  I sighed. “Fine, let’s go.”

  We made it to his car relatively unscathed from the heavy downpour but I didn’t really care that much about whether I got soaked or not, I just wanted to get home. Danny started up the car and turned up the heat to help dry us off.

  He pulled out of the car park and glanced over at me. “So, any plans for tonight?”

  I wasn’t sure what to answer with so I just shrugged at him and said, “I don’t know yet.”

  “Fancy seeing a film then?” He threw me a cheeky grin and I rolled my eyes yet again.

  “You never give up, do you?”

  He shook his head and smirked at me. “Come on, one little trip to the cinema isn’t going to kill you.”

  I sighed. “Danny, we’ve talked about this before.”

  “I know but how about we go just as friends?”

  I glanced at him and could tell by his face that he was being serious but I still wasn’t sure about it.

  “Are you sure you can stick to that? You’re not going to try anything funny?” I eyed him unsurely.

  Now Danny rolled his eyes. “Jeez Darcie, I can control myself. The only thing funny tonight will be the film – do you like comedies?”

  I smirked. “Good to know and I haven’t agreed to go yet.”

  “Oh come on, it’ll just be two friends seeing a film. Besides, what else would you be doing on a Saturday night?” He looked at me with a raised eyebrow and smirked – he knew that I was close to caving.

  “Fine.” I sighed. “I’d just be sitting in otherwise.”

  He threw me that cute little half grin, taking great pleasure in the fact that I had succumbed to his pleading. “Excellent, I’ll pick you up at seven … and it’s not a date!”

  I now realised that we had stopped outside my house so I got out and waved him off with a “Whatever.”

  I watched him drive off as I hunted for my house key, wondering all the while if I had just made a huge mis
take.

  I spent the rest of the afternoon debating about whether I should cancel or not. I then started to panic about what to wear. I knew it wasn’t a date but I wanted to look half-decent – after all, I had spent the majority of the day covered in paint and glitter. I ransacked my wardrobe and ending up settling on some jeans, a dressy top and pumps. I then set about making myself some dinner since my mother still wasn’t home.

  I wasn’t hungry enough to order a pizza for myself so I ended up making a sandwich. I had just washed up my plate when the doorbell rang. I glanced at my watch – 6.30pm – Danny was early. I grabbed my bag and cardigan and opened the door to find that it wasn’t Danny … it was Harriet.

  “Darcie! There you – oh, are you going somewhere?” She looked me up and down with a curious look on her face.

  I nodded. “Yeah, what’s up?”

  She shrugged. “It’s nothing … I just wanted to see if you wanted to do something – I really need a girly night.”

  “What’s wrong?” It seemed like Harriet was holding back some vital piece of information.

  “It’s not important … just Samuel being a total ass as usual. Anyway, it’s okay, we’ll catch up later. I take it you’re finally going on a hot date with Danny?” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and I shook my head and chuckled.

  “Hardly, we’re just friends and we’re only going to the cinema. I can cancel if you wanna talk.”

  She shook her head ferociously. “Hell no! I’m not gonna stand in the way of you two love-birds. Besides, Samuel will probably phone me later – he always does. It’ll be like every other time we fight – I’ll make him grovel, he’ll apologise … it’ll be all good.”

  I laughed. “You guys make a great couple – it’ll all be okay. And less of the love-birds talk … how many times do I’ve to tell you that I don’t date?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. See you later … have fun!”

  And with a parting cheeky wink, she made her way back to her house.