Learning to Breathe

by J. C. McClean

  “Thanks for everything. I’ll see you in school.”

  Danny nodded and waved me off before driving away. I took a few deep breaths to mentally prepare myself before I faced my mother. I had a feeling that it wasn’t going to end well.

  Chapter Eleven

  As soon as I opened the door, my mother bolted from the kitchen to meet me before I could escape upstairs.

  “Darcie! Where the hell have you been? I called the leisure centre at ten past five but they said that you’d already left. Why’d you run off like that?” My mother was breathing heavily and I could tell that she was furious with me for running off but I was just as mad as she was.

  “I didn’t really appreciate being ambushed!” I yelled back at her. “I mean seriously, who does that?”

  “Someone on the edge of desperation.” my mother replied quietly.

  I was momentarily stunned into silence by the look on my mother’s face – it was one of intense hurt.

  “Darcie,” she began, “I feel really bad about going behind your back and doing that to you but I was out of ideas! All I wanted was for you to talk to me and that’s what I got. I know you’re mad but at least it’s a reaction! It’s much better than your forced conversations with me – it breaks my heart that I know you’re still hurting but refuse to talk to me!”

  “Mum – let’s not do this tonight … please. I can’t – I just can’t.” I pleaded with her in a shaking voice; I was close to cracking and breaking down completely.

  My mother sighed heavily. “Darcie you need help and this is the only way to get through to you. If you don’t wanna talk to me then fine, I’ll not fight you on it. However, that said, you will go to your P.E. lessons and you will face your fear and learn how to swim – that is non-negotiable.”

  “You can’t make me! I won’t do it!” I protested earnestly.

  “Oh you will.” my mother threatened in a deadly tone. “Or the next step will be taking you back to see Dr Kendrick!”

  I definitely didn’t want to go that route so I threw my hands up in defeat and stormed off upstairs. However, as I flopped onto my bed, I was determined to come up with a plan to get out of it even if it meant running away.

  That night, my nightmares continued to haunt me.

  My lungs felt like they were on fire. I could taste the salty water but there was nothing I could do to stop it from rushing into my lungs. I was choking while I screamed out for help and I could feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness. Suddenly, I could feel strong arms around me and hear someone comforting me.

  “Darcie, you’re going to be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise …”

  I woke up in hysterics and wondered how the hell learning to swim would ever help me to conquer my fears. It wouldn’t make the nightmares go away and it certainly wouldn’t change what had happened. My mother seemed adamant that it would help but I just had a feeling that it would make things worse.

  I sighed and tried to get back to sleep, telling myself that I would worry about it later. It didn’t work as I tossed and turned well into the early hours of the morning until I eventually dozed off, only to be woken up by my alarm a few minutes later.

  I groaned and willed myself to get up. It took a while but I eventually managed to get up and stumble my way into the shower. When I had finished, I changed quickly and made my way downstairs slowly – I really didn’t want to run into my mother.

  Thankfully, as I made my way into the kitchen, I noticed that my mother’s car was already gone. At least I wouldn’t have to contend with her attempts at conversation this early in the morning.

  I downed two cups of coffee, dreading the day ahead – today was the first day that P.E was listed on my timetable. I shuddered at the thought but didn’t even pack my one swimsuit that was buried in my wardrobe – I wasn’t going to do it so why should I?

  I sighed to myself and found my bag sitting in the hall. I slung it over my shoulder, locked the front door and headed out to meet Harriet who was waiting in her car.

  As soon as I got into the passenger side, Harriet threw me a funny look.

  “Are you okay? You look a little tired.”

  I shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep.”

  She nodded but didn’t say anything else – she must have sensed that I didn’t want to talk since she turned up the radio, leaving me with my troubled thoughts.

  When we arrived at the school, I left Harriet behind with Samuel – he had been waiting for her by his car – and made my way to the lockers alone. I opened my bag to pack some of my books and found that my mother must have been near it at some point. There, sitting on top of my pencil case, was my swimming suit.

  I took it out in disgust and noticed that a note fluttered out along with it. I picked it up and took a fleeting glance at it – there were only eight words written on it:

  I meant what I said. It’s your choice.

  I threw it into my locker angrily and slammed the door shut – I wasn’t being blackmailed into something I didn’t want to do. I sighed heavily and decided that since P.E. wasn’t until two o’clock, I’d go to Ms Mahon, feign sickness and leave.

  I made my way to my first class, praying that my plan would work and that I wouldn’t have to think about it for the rest of the day. It turned out that luck was not on my side …

  My first class was Psychology and I was less than pleased to find that we were discussing phobias. I listened in horror as the teacher – Mrs Littlewood – explained different reasons as to why somebody would develop a fear of something. What was even worse was when she began to talk about trauma being a factor in determining why a person might develop a phobia.

  I felt physically sick that she was hitting so close to home and I couldn’t stop thinking about what I would have to endure after lunch. I sincerely hoped that my terror of facing the water would show on my face and would be enough to convince Ms Mahon that I was feeling unwell.

  Things were bearable in Sociology but when it came to lunch, I had a hard time not thinking about what faced me in an hour’s time. I was very quiet while eating my sandwich and Harriet knew me well enough now to know when I wanted to be left alone.

  When the final warning bell rang, it was with a heavy heart that I made my way to the Sports Wing to find Ms Mahon. It didn’t take me long to find her and it was then that I discovered why Harriet had been so relieved that she was in Badminton and not swimming – Ms Mahon was terrifying.

  Not only did she not buy my excuse of being sick, she told me to change into my swimsuit right away or she would give me a fortnight of detentions. I had no choice but to change and hope that I didn’t pass out or worse – drown …

  Chapter Twelve

  I took as much time as I could when changing into my swimsuit but even that small task left me feeling light-headed. My mind just kept flashing back to the last time I had been in a large body of water and I could already feel my chest tightening.

  With wobbly legs, I made my way into the swimming pool area and found Ms Mahon barging orders at a group of swimmers in the deep end. I took a deep breath and slowly made my way over to her. She turned as I approached her and pointed to the shallow end of the pool.

  “Okay Darcie, you can grab either a float or arm bands and get in there and the first thing I want you to do is get a feel for the water and then gradually put your head under so that you can see what it feels like to be completely submerged.”

  I stared at her, completely dumbfounded.

  Put my head under the water? Was she for real?

  There was no way that I could do that – that was way too much for me to handle for my first lesson. I was about to tell her as much when she glared at me and pointed to the pool again.

  “Darcie! Get in there now – I don’t like repeating myself.”

  I gulped, lifted a float (there was no way that I was wearing armbands), shakily made my way to the steps at the edge of the pool, and very slowly descended. With every step, I too
k a deep breath and focused on not vomiting. As soon as my feet touched the bottom, the flashbacks hit me in waves.

  I was on the boat laughing and enjoying the sunshine … then I was looking at the sky as dark clouds appeared and the wind picked up … The boat was rocking and I was finding it difficult to hold on … I was thrown from the boat … My lungs felt like they were on fire … I could taste the salty water ... I was choking while I screamed out for help but nobody was there … I could hear someone comforting me … then I could hear someone yelling …Darcie! Darcie!

  “Darcie!”

  My eyes flew open and I found Danny kneeling over me. I groaned and coughed, feeling a strange sense of déjà vu.

  “Don’t try to move, okay.” he told me and for once, I listened to him – I was aching all over and had no intention of even trying to sit up.

  “Danny!” Ms Mahon cried suddenly, interrupting us. “What’s going on?”

  I watched as she started marching over to us but Danny quickly stopped her in her tracks and began talking to her in hushed tones. I couldn’t hear what they saying but I noticed that Ms Mahon looked very surprised and then nodded to Danny who then made his way back over to me.

  He knelt down and asked me a few questions about how I was feeling and if it hurt anywhere before he helped me to sit up.

  “What happened?” I managed to croak out.

  Danny looked at my face carefully before speaking. “Well I was doing some laps to get ready for practice after school when Ms Mahon got called out for a phone call. The next thing I know, I see you thrashing about and then you just stopped moving.”

  I tried to steady my breathing as I took in all this new-found information. I hadn’t even noticed that Danny was in the pool when I first came in and here he was saving my neck yet again.

  “I thought you weren’t going to come.” Danny stated with a hint of curiosity in his tone.

  I sighed. “You don’t argue with Ms Mahon – I had no other choice.”

  Danny nodded. “Yeah, Ms Mahon doesn’t exactly take no for an answer.”

  “No – really?” I shot back sarcastically.

  I watched as Danny flashed that adorable crooked smile at me. “And there’s the Darcie I know – welcome back. Now you’re starting to sound like your old self.”

  I threw him a reluctant smile. “Yeah, well thanks – again. You seem to be making a habit of this.”

  Danny laughed loudly at that. “Yeah, it’s my mission in life to save you.”

  He then looked directly into my eyes and held my gaze there for a few seconds. I felt a little unnerved since his words reminded me of my dream the other night. I looked away but felt him lay his hand gently on my bare shoulder.

  “Are you okay? What happened in the pool? Do you want to talk about it?”

  I shook my head. “It was nothing. I just panicked – that’s all.”

  I heard Danny sigh heavily. “If you say so.”

  I shrugged and changed the subject. “So what happens now? Is Ms Mahon letting me quit this stupid class?”

  Danny chuckled. “You really think she gives up that easily? No, she expects you back here Friday.”

  I turned to look at him then. “But why is she putting me through this torture? I can’t do it – I just can’t!”

  “Because she’s not a quitter – and neither are you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “And how do you know that?”

  Danny met my gaze again. “Because you were brave enough to go into the pool even after what happened at the spring. Look, whatever else it is that you’re not telling me – I know you can overcome it too.”

  “Yeah and what the hell do you know about my life?” I spat back at him. I didn’t even know why I was mad at him but I didn’t feel comfortable being this close to him when I was feeling so vulnerable. I stood up abruptly and stormed off to the changing rooms, leaving Danny shouting after me.

  When I arrived home later that night, my mood had not improved at all. I had gone to the town library after school in a bid to clear my head. I sat there until after 5pm and then begrudgingly made my way home.

  I slammed the front door closed as soon as I stepped into the house and found my mother in the kitchen, busy cooking dinner. She turned around when she heard me enter the room.

  “Well … how did it go?”

  I threw my bag on the floor and glared at her.

  “How did it go? Really Mother? I’ll tell you how it went – I freaked out and had to be rescued from the shallow end of the pool! That’s how well it went!” I bellowed at her.

  My mother remained calm throughout my outburst and merely waited until I had finished ranting until she spoke again.

  “Darcie, I know it’s not gonna be easy but I know that you can do it. You just have to have a little faith in yourself. Today was only your first attempt … it’ll get easier over time – I promise.”

  “Yeah?” I sneered at her. “And you know this how? It happened to me Mum! Me! You weren’t there! You don’t know what I went through! So you don’t know how hard this is for me … if you had any clue at all, you wouldn’t be making me do this!”

  My mother stared at me for a long time before she spoke again. “You’re right – I don’t know what happened but that’s because you refuse to talk to me about it! What do you want me to do Darcie? I’m trying my best here but you’re not making it any easier when you fight me the whole way!”

  “I told you before – I don’t wanna talk about it! Talking about it isn’t going to fix it – it’ll just make it worse. If I talk about what happened, it won’t make things better … it’ll just be another cruel reminder of what happened and what I can’t change – no matter how much I wish I could.” I let out a heavy sigh, I was exhausted from my outburst but my mother looked like she wasn’t finished yet.

  Sure enough, she shook her head at me and sighed. “Believe me Darcie, I know doing this won’t change what happened but maybe it’ll help you another way. If it only helps you to overcome your fear then at least you’ve accomplished that. Just please stick at it – that’s all I’m saying.”

  “Well you made damn sure I had no other choice but to do it, didn’t you? Well okay, maybe I will stick at it but not for you or anyone else … I’m going to do it to prove to you that it won’t change a thing.” And with that, I left my mother standing looking quite stunned while I headed upstairs on a mission.

  I woke up the next morning with my plan already formulated – I just hoped that it would work. I was ready in record time and caught the earliest bus to school – I had already told Harriet that I didn’t need a lift. As I was dropped off outside of Dover High, I checked the car park for any signs of life and found only a few cars parked already.

  My watch told me it was just after 8am so I knew that the school should be open by now. I made my way inside the building and on into the Sports Wing. Halfway down the hall, I could hear the faint sound of The Black Keys’ ‘Lonely Boy’ blaring mixed with the splashing of water.

  I entered the pool area to find that Danny was exactly where Harriet had said he would be – swimming laps (I found this out after I had questioned her last night). I smiled to myself and tried to think of some way to get his attention, I then spotted an inflatable beach ball over by the floats – perfect.

  I grabbed the ball and lobbed it just as Danny had reached the centre of the pool. It hit him right on the head and I let out a chuckle when he abruptly stopped swimming and looked around with a baffled expression on his face.

  He eventually spun around in my direction and frowned at me before yelling out. “What the hell did you that for?”

  I stood with my hands on my hips, hoping that I looked like I meant business. “I need your help!” I yelled back over the music.

  Danny didn’t answer me right away but continued to swim over to the edge of the pool and then climbed out. He then made his way over to an iPod dock in the far corner of the room and turned off the music before making his way
towards me.

  I had been so keyed up about sharing my plan that I failed to notice how attractive Danny was looking until he started to approach me. He was half-naked with his hair swept back and was glistening from the water like he’d just stepped out of a TV advert. Seriously, he looked like a male model that had just happened to stumble into a high school wearing nothing but swimming shorts and that killer, less than perfect smile …

  None of that should have mattered to me but I couldn’t stop staring at him – to say that I was very distracted at that precise moment would have been an understatement. I watched as Danny grabbed a towel on his way to meet me and I tried my best to think of something coherent to say to him before he came to talk to me … it wasn’t working. I watched as he dried off his face and then slung the towel over his shoulder before he stood in front of me.

  “Sorry, I don’t think I heard you right over the music … did you just ask for my help?” He threw me another killer smile and I found myself tongue-tied.

  “So,” Danny prompted, “are you?”

  I eventually snapped out of my daze. “Yes,” I said slowly, “yes I am.”

  Danny laughed and steered me over to one of the spectator benches. “Okay then Gilmore, let’s talk.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  “I need your help.” I blurted out to a clearly bemused Danny.

  “Why do you want my help now?” Danny asked curiously.

  I sighed heavily. “Look, I know I was rude to you yesterday but now I need your help. Will you help me?” I pleaded, looking into those extraordinary hazel eyes of his.

  “Well only if you tell me why you’ve suddenly changed your mind.” Danny shot back at me.

  “I – I want to learn how to – how to – swim.” I managed to stutter out eventually.