Learning to Breathe

by J. C. McClean

  He nodded slowly. “Okay … do you wanna elaborate on that a bit?”

  “I need to prove a point.” I stated simply.

  “Right.” Danny drawled out. “That’s not super vague at all.” he finished sarcastically.

  I grunted in frustration. “Look, will you help me or not?”

  He threw me a smirk. “Of course I will but I think you should grovel a bit more … maybe you could get down on one knee and plead with me or something.”

  I threw him a dirty look but knelt down on the wet floor, taking both his hands in mine before looking directly into his eyes.

  “Danny, pretty please will you help me … or so help me God, I will kick your ass.”

  Danny snorted with laughter. “Okay, I don’t appreciate the sarcasm – or the threat of bodily harm – but I’ll do it. When do you wanna start?”

  “Today.” I told him determinedly. “Before I change my mind.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you back here at 3pm.” Danny told me before jumping back into the pool to finish his laps.

  As I left the pool area, I wondered what the hell I had just gotten myself into.

  The school day passed at a relatively fast pace but I was willing it to slow down since I was starting to have second thoughts about the swimming lessons with Danny. However, by the time 3pm rolled around, I gritted my teeth and decided to get it over and done with.

  I made my way to the changing rooms and eyed my blue swimsuit unsurely – I was desperately afraid that I would have a repeat of the day before and freak out. Nevertheless, I changed and proceeded to the pool area where Danny was already waiting for me.

  “You didn’t chicken out then?” he teased as I approached him.

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Let’s just get this over with okay?”

  “Hey, you’re the one who wanted my help.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Are you gonna hold that against me forever? Actually, you know what – I don’t care. Go ahead and gloat … if it makes you feel better.”

  Danny looked a little taken aback by my hostile demeanour. “Wow, chill out Gilmore! Look, I know you’re nervous but try to relax – you’re in safe hands.”

  I instantly felt stupid for being so harsh. “Sorry,” I mumbled, genuinely meaning it for once.

  Danny grinned. “It’s okay. Now, I’ve gotta warn you that this isn’t gonna be easy – it’s gonna be damn hard – but it’ll be worth it in the end. You sure you’re up for it?”

  I nodded, not trusting myself to speak as I thought I might be in danger of backing out.

  “Good, now let’s get started.” Danny led me to the edge of the pool and told me to get in to the level that I felt most comfortable at. He followed me in and ducked his head under the water so that he was now totally wet.

  “Okay, if you can, I want you to gradually do what I just did. I know that’s what Ms Mahon wanted you to do yesterday but you never quite made it before you passed out. I’ll be here the whole time and you can even hold my hand if you want.” He smiled at me encouragingly but I still felt unsure.

  “I don’t know if I can do this.” I admitted, feeling rather nauseous.

  Danny looked at me intently. “What are you afraid of?”

  “I – I just – it’s – I’m scared at the thought of not being able to breathe.” I rushed out rather quickly, feeling like an idiot.

  Danny nodded sympathetically. “Okay, is that what happened yesterday? Did you panic about not being able to breathe?”

  I avoided Danny’s gaze. “I don’t want to talk about yesterday.”

  I heard him sigh heavily. “This is getting old Darcie – why won’t you tell me what happened? It’ll make my job a hell of a lot easier if I knew why you were so scared of the water.”

  I still didn’t look at him and stubbornly refused to answer. Instead, I rashly decided to duck my head under the water and damn the consequences.

  My lungs felt like they were on fire … I could taste the salty water but there was nothing I could do to stop it from rushing into my lungs ... I was choking while I screamed out for help but nobody was there … I could feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness until someone yelled …

  “Darcie!”

  I opened my eyes and found that I was still in the water but Danny was supporting me while he tried to prop me up against the side of the pool. Once that he saw I was conscious, he lifted me up to sit at the edge of the pool. I avoided his eye-line as he stayed in the water and rested his elbows on the tiles around the edge of the pool. I sucked in a few deep breaths in a bid to lower my racing heartbeat.

  There was a long silence and I wondered who would be the first to break it. I wasn’t ready to talk about what had just happened but I knew that Danny would want to pry. The way I saw it, I had two choices; wait for Danny to interrogate me or jump in there first and deflect the issue at hand.

  However, before I got the chance to speak, Danny beat me to it.

  “Are you okay?” He met my eyes and I saw deep concern there.

  I nodded. “Sure … I just feel a little stupid – that’s all.”

  Danny shook his head. “Don’t – it’s understandable,” he paused for a second as if he was debating about what he wanted to say next.

  He glanced at me and then took a deep breath. “Who was it?”

  I feigned puzzlement. “Who what?”

  Danny pulled himself up out of the pool to sit beside me and sighed heavily. “Don’t play dumb Darcie.”

  I shrugged and tried to sound nonchalant. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Danny gave me a long hard stare before he spoke again. “How often do the flashbacks happen?”

  I flinched at his words as if he had wounded me but didn’t answer.

  “Is it always when you’re submerged in water? Or do they just hit you unexpectedly?” he continued on.

  I blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall and tried to get up. However, Danny gently laid his hand on my arm to stop me from rising.

  “Darcie, I’m just trying to help you. Please talk to me.”

  I remained silent and continued to avoid his gaze. I heard him sigh deeply.

  “Look, you don’t have to tell me everything … all I want to know is if I’m right. Do you suffer from flashbacks?”

  I slowly nodded my head but still didn’t look at him. “How did you know?”

  “It kind of adds up – what happened at the spring, yesterday and just now. However, today was the first time you actually spoke during it …” He trailed off and I felt sick

  What had I said?

  I reluctantly lifted my head to look at him. “What did I say?” I asked in a shaking voice, fearing the answer.

  Danny gazed at me thoughtfully. “Just two words … ‘Help us.’”

  I avoided Danny’s gaze and quickly looked up to the ceiling in a bid to compose myself and prevent the floodgates from opening.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Danny asked quietly, a few seconds later.

  I pinched the bridge of my nose and shook my head, still not looking at him.

  “Fair enough … I think we should call it a day, don’t you?”

  I nodded and finally looked at him. He threw me a reassuring smile as he stood to his feet and then helped me up.

  “Thanks.” I mumbled, feeling like a massive idiot. I hated the fact that I hadn’t achieved anything today.

  Danny nodded. “Do you wanna do this again on Friday?”

  I hesitated for a second, wondering if I could go through it all again. Then I remembered the promise I had made to myself and eventually nodded.

  “Yeah, thanks.”

  Danny threw me a wide lopsided smile. “Hey, don’t look so worried – you did great for a first attempt. It’ll get easier over time; you just gotta have patience – trust me.”

  I nodded and threw him a small smile before I headed to the changing room, hoping that Friday would be different.

  C
hapter Fourteen

  Thursday passed without much incidence except for bumping into Danny at the Youth Club after school. It was a relatively brief but awkward encounter, as I still felt stupid about what had happened and I couldn’t escape from him quick enough.

  So, when it came to Friday, to say that I was still a little apprehensive about my next swimming lesson with Danny – well, it would be an understatement. Friday was listed as a half-day on my timetable and P.E. was my last lesson from 12pm to 1.30pm but then I had agreed to meet Danny after so it looked like I was in for a long day.

  At 12pm, I prepared to meet my doom. I made my way to the pool and was incredibly surprised to find Danny there.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked him in surprise.

  He chuckled. “I use this class for swim practice instead of Study.”

  “How’d you swing that?”

  Danny shrugged. “Ms Greenly knows how dedicated I am when it comes to the swim team.”

  I frowned at him. “Lucky for some, eh?”

  “Hey, what can I say, the ladies love my charm.” He grinned at me and I shook my head in disbelief.

  “Wow, it’s amazing what a huge ego will get you.”

  Danny flashed me a cheeky grin. “Oh I know … it’s great!”

  I rolled my eyes. “Okay well I’d better get in the water before Ms Mahon yells at me.”

  “Oh yeah, that reminds me … I have some news.” He threw me a mischievous look.

  “Good or bad?” I fired at him.

  “Oh it’s very good news.” He beamed at me.

  “Ms Mahon has agreed for me to teach you in your P.E. classes.”

  I stared at him dumbfounded. “What?”

  Danny looked at me warily. “Um, that’s okay … right?”

  “Yeah but how’d you get Ms Mahon to agree to it?” I asked in puzzlement.

  Danny flashed me another crooked grin. “My powers of persuasion – remember?”

  “Wow, are you sure you wanna do this?” I was still a little shocked that Danny had organised this never mind wanted to do it.

  Danny threw me a funny look. “Yeah, of course I do! I said I’d help you – this is me helping.”

  I stared at him for a few seconds. “Okay, let’s do this.”

  Danny grinned. “That’s the spirit – now go get changed … we’ve got work to do!”

  “Okay,” Danny began, once we were both in the pool, “have you ever heard of ‘Flooding’?”

  I threw him a challenging look. “Sorry, I thought you were gonna teach me how to swim not tell me about water leaks.”

  Danny laughed. “Okay, that’s not what I meant. Um okay, well how about ‘Exposure Therapy’?”

  I looked at him blankly. “Are these some sort of swimming techniques or something?”

  He shook his head. “No, they’re,” he paused, as if he was choosing his words carefully. “They’re ways to help you overcome your phobia.”

  “Okay …” I looked at him in puzzlement, wondering where he was going with this.

  Danny hesitated. “The general idea is that you’re continually exposed to your fear and then learn to tolerate it.”

  I really didn’t like the sound of that. “Okay and what’s involved in the process then?”

  Danny glanced at me unsurely. “It means a lot of swimming and a lot of water … and a lot of hard work.”

  “Okay and how do you know all this?”

  Danny hesitated a little before he answered.

  “Google.”

  I stared at him for a few minutes – there had been something about his expression before he had spoken that seemed a little off – I had a feeling that he was being less than truthful but I decided not to bring it up.

  “Okay, I suppose we could give it a go then.” I eventually told him, trying my best to hide how scared I really was.

  He gave me a reassuring smile. “Hey, I’m gonna be here the whole time. Relax and take a few deep breaths.” I did as he instructed and he smiled before continuing on.

  “Now, let’s get started.”

  We stayed in the pool until 2pm as Danny thought that any longer period of time would be too much for me to handle just yet. I was relieved at this but I also felt quite proud as I had stayed in the water for two whole hours! It may not seem like much of an achievement but to me it was huge as it meant that I was finally starting to face my fears.

  Danny had been very patient with me the whole time and I found that his calm and soothing voice put me at ease. I’m not saying that my lesson was panic-free but it was definitely an improvement from not being able to stay in the water for more than five minutes without passing out.

  When Danny had instructed me to put my head under the water, I had felt the beginnings of a panic attack but he had managed to calm me down by holding my hand and talking me through it. The first few times I tried to breathe under the water, I freaked out and the flashbacks threatened to take over.

  However, they weren’t as bad as they had been previously as Danny was there to pull me up and calm me before I tried again when I was feeling ready. That was the thing about Danny; he never tried to push me into trying something that I wasn’t comfortable with. Instead, he let me do everything at my own pace and I was grateful for that.

  So, by the end of the lesson, I had started to master the task of breathing underwater. It wasn’t much for having spent two hours in the pool but it was one basic skill that I had to learn before I even contemplated anything else. Nevertheless, Danny had said that he was pleased with my slow progress and was taking me out to lunch.

  So, I had made my way to the changing room and was now finishing getting showered and changed. I pulled on my blue Converse and grabbed my bag before I headed out to the car park to meet Danny.

  Danny was already in the car waiting for me. I climbed into the passenger side and smiled at him.

  “Thanks again for doing this.” I told him sincerely. “I’m sure I was driving you crazy back there.”

  He laughed and shook his head. “Nah, you were fine … really!”

  I grinned. “You’re such a liar but thanks.”

  “No problem, now where do you wanna eat?” He started the car and looked at me expectantly.

  I shrugged. “Anywhere, I don’t care as long as there’s food – I’m starving!”

  Danny chuckled. “Yeah, swimming does that to you. Oh, that reminds me, when do you wanna do this again?”

  “Um, I dunno, when are you free again?” I asked while trying to figure out which days I had some free time.

  Danny shrugged. “Whenever. I’m always in the pool in the mornings and the leisure centre every afternoon Monday to Thursday and then on a Saturday morning.”

  I stared at him. “Do you ever get tired of smelling like chlorine?”

  He threw his head back and laughed at that. “Why do I smell of it now?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “That’s not what I meant. I just don’t know how you can swim that much and not get tired of it.”

  “I never used to swim a lot until I …” He trailed off, looking quite pensive for a minute.

  “Until I turned fifteen,” he continued.

  “That’s when I really got into it.” he added with an odd faraway look.

  I decided to ignore his strange hesitation and get back to the subject at hand. “Okay, well how about tomorrow at some point?”

  Danny nodded. “Sure – after lunch okay?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be at the leisure centre for one-thirty.”

  With that agreed, Danny drove into town and pulled up outside a café where I ordered a rather large sandwich.

  Swimming really did give you an appetite!

  After a long lunch, Danny drove me home. I glanced at my watch as he pulled up outside my house and was shocked to find that it was after 4pm.

  Where had the time gone?

  “So,” I began as I unbuckled my seatbelt. “Thanks for today … I feel like I’m
finally starting to get somewhere.”

  Danny smiled crookedly. “Yeah, you’ll be a pro in no time.”

  I laughed. “Yeah right, maybe in about thirty years time!”

  “Hey, give yourself some credit – you can now do something that you couldn’t yesterday.” He looked at me so seriously that I couldn’t help but chuckle at him.

  “Yeah yeah, I’m a real superstar! Anyway, I gotta go, see you tomorrow.”

  I started to pull the door handle but Danny stopped me. I turned to look him, with a puzzled expression.

  “Wait,” he said, “I have something for you.”

  He threw me his trademark killer smile before he rummaged through some CDs in the pocket of his door until he found what he was looking for.

  He extracted a CD case with a handwritten cover and handed it to me.

  “Here, I made this for you. It’s a list of songs that I think can help you with your swimming.”

  I threw him a dubious look. “Seriously? I don’t think a bunch of songs are gonna help me to swim.”

  Danny chuckled. “Hey, give it a go … I’ve listed them on the inside cover and written something beside some of the song titles.”

  “Okay.” I drawled out. “Thanks, I’ll try it.” I threw him a small smile before I got out and waved him off.

  Once I was inside the house, I stared at the CD in my hand – Danny had scribbled ‘Darcie’s Swim Mix’ across the front cover and had also drawn a little picture of a brightly coloured fish. I laughed and climbed the stairs to my bedroom where I shoved the disc into my CD player and hit ‘play’.

  I then flopped onto the bed with the cover still in my hand and started to read the song titles as the first track played.

  The inside cover read:

  For Darcie,

  (1) Lifehouse - Breathing

  (2) Biffy Clyro – Bubbles

  (3) The Head and The Heart – Rivers and Roads (I like to think that this song depicts a journey and how it’s hard but at the same time it’s worth it – just like you overcoming your fear)