Learning to Breathe

by J. C. McClean

  It hadn’t been easy but so far, I was getting away with my diabolical plan. I just hoped that it lasted another two weeks. The training itself was tough; I was gradually building up the strength in my right leg, doing exercises whenever I had a free minute and I could notice a difference already. I just hoped that it would be enough.

  So, since today was Sunday, I debated about whether to take a break from training. If I was being brutally honest, my leg was aching after seven days of training non-stop. I had been pushing myself to the limit the last few days so I reasoned with myself that I deserved a rest.

  I glanced at my alarm clock – 8.35am. It was too early to get up but I couldn’t sleep with the dull ache in my leg. Groaning, I sat up, stretched out my leg, and got up. I ran through a few exercises to help strengthen the muscles in my leg and had just finished when my mother knocked on my bedroom door.

  “Darcie? Can I come in?”

  I slowly made my way to the door and let her in.

  “What’s up?” I asked, taking in my mother’s casual stance. I scrutinised her face carefully – there was something off about her expression. Something was up.

  She sighed heavily. “I just wanted to know if you’re okay with the whole competition thing. I know how much you wanted to compete and I haven’t really had a chance to talk to you about since I’ve hardly seen you this week.”

  I turned away from her and busied myself with picking out an outfit; I didn’t trust myself to look at her when I was going to have to lie through my teeth.

  “I’m okay Mum, really. Yeah, it sucks that I can’t compete but I’ll get over it.”

  I glanced back at her and found her staring at the picture of my father I had put up last week.

  “It’s good to see this out again.” she said, smiling over at me.

  “Yeah,” I replied. “It was time.”

  I watched as she lifted the photo frame and stroked the glass. “I still miss him, you know,” she told me quietly. “I know you probably don’t believe me but it’s true.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think that.”

  I sighed heavily and then added, “I miss him too. So much that I don’t ever want to let go.”

  My mother heaved a sigh and sat down on my bed. “Honey, come here.”

  I obeyed and flopped down beside her, feeling rather miserable.

  She looked me in the eye and then gave me a hug, “It’s okay to miss him Darcie but it’s also okay to move on. I know it’s hard but he wouldn’t have wanted you to stop living your life. And I know this may sound harsh but he died saving your life … the least you can do is not waste it.”

  I nodded. “I know. Believe me, I’m trying.”

  My mother smiled at me. “Good. Now, go get changed, we’re going out for breakfast.”

  After sharing a huge stack of pancakes with my mother, we took a walk near the spring. For over an hour, we talked and it was one of the best conversations we’d ever had. It had been a long process to get us to this point but we’d finally made it.

  Of course, my mother had insisted on interrogating me all about Danny. She was adamant that he was the reason why I was happier lately and told me that I shouldn’t be so hard on him. I, of course, had shrugged off her comments and then changed the subject.

  When we arrived home, I was shocked to find Harriet waiting for me; and was even more surprised to find that she looked pissed. My mother quickly went inside and left me to deal with Harriet’s wrath. I sat down on the doorstep beside her and sighed heavily.

  “What’s wrong?” I enquired, genuinely perplexed by her behaviour.

  Harriet scowled at me. “I’ve barely seen you in about two weeks, but according to Danny, we’ve been studying together every day for the past fortnight. Care to tell me what the hell is going on?”

  Uh oh, busted!

  “Well,” I began quickly. “Don’t be mad but I’ve been using you as an excuse lately.”

  Harriet frowned. “Why? What’ve you been up to that you’ve had to lie about it?”

  I heaved a sigh. “Promise you won’t tell my mother or Danny?”

  She threw me a curious look but nodded nonetheless.

  I quickly explained the whole situation to Harriet but left out the part about my father – I wasn’t ready for the whole world to know about that just yet.

  Harriet stared at me. “You’re that desperate to compete?”

  I nodded and she shook her head. “Whatever happened to the girl who was terrified of water?”

  I smiled. “She got over it.”

  Harriet raised her eyebrows. “Hmm, I guess I can see how easy that would be when Danny-boy’s your teacher! Tell me, are you still denying the attraction between you two?”

  I started to protest but she cut me off.

  “Seriously Darcie, it must be terrible spending all of your spare time with a hot guy! How do you cope?” She smirked at me while I rolled my eyes.

  “Harriet, give it up already! He’s just my friend …” I trailed off as she threw me a dubious look.

  “Okay, a good friend but nothing more.” I told her firmly.

  “Oh come on!” Harriet objected. “Just admit that you like him. Believe me, I don’t blame you – the guy’s gorgeous! He’s also funny, kind and is totally into you! Do you have any idea how rare a breed this guy is?”

  “Why don’t you date him then?” I shot back at her.

  She smirked. “I’ve got my own Prince Charming thanks.”

  I shook my head exasperatedly. “Yeah, he’s cute and nice to me and all that but it wouldn’t work.”

  Harriet smirked at me. “Ha! You do like him! Otherwise you wouldn’t be thinking about how it wouldn’t work out.”

  I sighed heavily and held up my hands in defeat. “Okay, I’ll admit, I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately … I just don’t know how I feel about him exactly.”

  Harriet frowned. “Darcie, this is the happiest I’ve seen you since you’ve moved here … you don’t need to think about how you feel about Danny because you already know.”

  I let out a low laugh. “Okay, if I admit that I like him, will you leave me alone?”

  “Yes.” Harriet agreed.

  “Fine … I like him but I don’t want you to keep going on about it. Just let me decide what to do in my own time.”

  Harriet heaved a sigh. “Okay. Well, I guess I’d better get going. See you tomorrow.”

  I smiled and waved her off but before she went through her front door, she paused and looked back at me.

  “Oh and Darcie … your secret’s safe with me!” She winked and then disappeared inside.

  When I made my way back inside, I found my mother sitting on the couch, patiently waiting for me to tell her all of the gossip.

  “What?” I frowned at her.

  “You were out there for ages – is everything okay? Why did Harriet look so mad?” my mother enquired curiously.

  “She had a fight with her boyfriend.” I invented. “She just wanted to have a girly chat. Why?”

  My mother shrugged. “No reason. It’s always man trouble, isn’t it?”

  I laughed. “Yeah, well Harriet and Samuel frequently have their share of ups and downs.”

  “Uh huh, and what about you and Danny?” she asked casually, trying her best not to look too curious.

  I shook my head wearily. “You never give up, do you?”

  She smiled. “Nope. Come on Darcie, what’s going on with you two?”

  I shrugged. “Nothing. I don’t know why everyone’s making such a big deal about something that’s never gonna happen.”

  My mother let out a snort of laughter. “Oh, Darcie. It looks like everyone can see it but you can’t.”

  “What?” I asked with a frown.

  “Oh honey,” my mother began exasperatedly. “You really like him, don’t you?”

  “No!” I protested quickly – a little too quickly.

  My mother smirked. “Look, whether you want to a
dmit it or not, Danny’s changed your life for the better.” I scoffed at her but she suddenly turned serious.

  “No Darcie, hear me out. When we first moved here, it killed me to see you going through life on autopilot. You were in pain and you refused to let me help you and it tore me up inside. But, when I forced you to take those swimming lessons, something changed.”

  She sighed heavily. “Yes, I know you despise me for doing that to you but after a while, I noticed something. Before, when I looked at you, I could see in your eyes that you felt nothing. However, after a few weeks with Danny and I could see the faint glimmer of a spark in your eyes.”

  My mother paused and grinned at me while I sat trying to look impassive.

  “You tried to fight it,” she continued. “But I’m guessing that Danny made you feel alive again. Gradually, you stopped pretending that you were having fun, living your life and actually started enjoying yourself. The spark in your eyes grew and I was overjoyed that I was finally getting you back. Your father would be so proud of you right now. Anyway, back to my point, every single time you’ve been with Danny or even mention his name, your eyes light up. It’s not just a spark anymore, your whole face just glows with happiness.”

  I stared at her but didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. My mother had just made me realise something – and it was something that both terrified and surprised me. Yes, I was willing to admit that I really liked Danny but what I failed to realise was that it was so much more than that. I didn’t just like him … no, I was pretty damn sure that I had just fallen in love with him.

  Oh boy …

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  On Monday morning, I woke up with a thousand mixed-up thoughts swirling around in my head. I, Darcie Gilmore, was in love with Danny Fletcher and had no idea how it had happened.

  A plethora of questions bombarded me but I was only preoccupied with answering one: Should I tell him? My gut told me ‘yes’ but my head was screaming ‘no’. I sighed and stared up at the ceiling, mulling over my choices.

  Eventually, my head won. There was no way in hell that I could tell him – I wasn’t exactly great at expressing my feelings. I knew for sure that I wouldn’t be able to find the right words and would end up making a fool of myself. No, I would just have to take this one to the grave.

  Sighing, I quickly washed and changed before grabbing my swimming kit and making my way to the bus stop. I glanced at my watch – 7.26am – I’d be able to get in about an hour of swimming before Danny turned up.

  The bus dropped me off fifteen minutes later and I made my way to the Sports Wing. I changed into my blue swimsuit, warmed up and then jumped into the pool. However, halfway through my fourth lap, I came to an abrupt stop when I suddenly heard an angry voice yelling at me.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

  I glanced up and saw Danny jump into the pool and make his way over to me.

  “What the hell are you doing Darcie?” he demanded angrily.

  I stared at him, dumbfounded that I was actually in love with such an infuriating ass and then shrugged casually. “I’m swimming.”

  Danny rolled his eyes. “Yes, I can see that Darcie. What I want to know is why? Did you listen to Dr. Kennedy at all?”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Obviously I didn’t.”

  Danny grunted in frustration. “Okay Miss Smartass, what about his warning of doing more damage than good?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I heard that bit but decided that I didn’t care.”

  “Darcie, you could seriously injure yourself! What were you thinking? Coming here all alone – what if something happened to you?” Danny slapped at the water angrily.

  I rolled my eyes. “Danny, calm down. I’ve been warming up and doing more exercises to strengthen the muscles in my leg. I didn’t tell you because I knew that you’d have talked me out of it.”

  “No I wouldn’t have!” Danny argued furiously.

  “Yeah right!” I retorted sarcastically. I wasn’t trying to pick a fight but he was driving me crazy.

  Danny’s eyes bored into mine. “Darcie, I would’ve helped you. I’m your friend for God’s sake. Why did you feel the need to hide this from me?”

  I sighed heavily. “I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that’s all.”

  I watched Danny shake his head. “Well, now that I know, will you let me help you?”

  “Why?” I asked, genuinely curious about what he would say.

  He gazed at me intently. “Does there need to be a reason?” he asked cryptically.

  I stared back into his hazel eyes. “I guess not.”

  “Okay then,” Danny began after a few seconds, putting an end to the intense moment between us. “Let’s get started.”

  Later on, after school, I was glad to be going to work. I was also relieved when Danny had informed that the pool in the leisure centre was closed this afternoon – I really didn’t think I could handle being alone with him again. After my morning swimming session with him, I was in desperate need of a distraction. All day, my mind kept replaying our conversation and I wondered why it had taken me so long to realise how I truly felt about him.

  Looking back on the time we spent together, the signs were all there but ultimately, I had chosen to ignore them and deep down, I think I knew why. After the pain of my father’s death, I didn’t want to get hurt again so I had built up barriers to protect myself. However, with the persistence of one Danny Fletcher, the walls had started to crack and eventually, came crashing down.

  I heaved a sigh, I really needed to stop thinking about Danny and focus on the more important issue at hand – dealing (single-handedly) with the twelve screaming children of the Kid’s Klub.

  “Hey!” I yelled to the hyperactive nine-year olds. “If you all be quiet, I’ll let you guys watch TV. Now, how does that sound?”

  There was silence and Ellie tugged on my t-shirt. I glanced down at her and she beamed up at me.

  “Can’t we watch a DVD?” she asked, gazing at me with puppy-dog eyes.

  “We don’t have any.” I told her and she shook her head.

  “Darren’s got one in his bag!” Ellie informed me. “It’s a scary one! Can we watch it?”

  “What? No!” I protested and they all started shouting again.

  “Hey!” I roared. “Settle down! I’d get into trouble if I let you watch something scary. What is it anyway?”

  Faye – Harriet’s little sister – decided to pipe up then, “It’s Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows!”

  I bit back a laugh (I didn’t classify Harry in the scary category) and nodded. “Okay, since I’ll be watching it with you guys, I guess it’s okay.”

  They all screamed in excitement as I put the disc on and then there was silence as the opening scene began. I breathed a sigh of relief and tried to focus on one ‘Daniel’ that I wasn’t in love with!

  When I arrived home from work, I found that the house was empty. I vaguely remembered my mother telling me something about going to meet William after she finished work. So, after eating a quick dinner, I had just decided to settle down to watch TV when my phone buzzed.

  I glanced at the screen and my stomach did a little flip – Danny had sent me a message:

  ‘Grab ur suit. B @ urs in 10.’

  Slightly taken aback, I did as I was told and waited for Danny to turn up. Ten minutes later and his car pulled up. I quickly scribbled a note to my mother, locked the front door and got into the car.

  “So, what’s going on?” I asked, curious as to why he wanted to go swimming at eight o’clock at night.

  He grinned at me. “Well, you still want to do the competition, right?”

  I nodded and he continued. “Well, the pool in the leisure centre may be closed but the school one isn’t!”

  I watched as Danny jangled some keys at me.

  “How did you manage that one?” I asked, genuinely amazed at how he could charm Ms Greenly into letting him use the pool afte
r school hours.

  “My powers of persuasion, remember?” He smirked and winked at my stunned expression.

  I shook my head. “How do you do it? Seriously, I want to know!”

  Danny laughed. “If I told you that, I’d have to kill you.”

  “Okay, I guess I can live with that.” I told him with a smile.

  “Good. Now, we’re only allowed to stay until nine-thirty at the latest so let’s go.” He quickly pulled out into the road and made the short journey to school in record time.

  After a quick change, I found Danny already setting up the iPod dock and he smiled over.

  “Get warmed up and I’ll pick something to motivate you!” he yelled as he scrolled through his song list.

  I did a few stretching exercises until I was sure that I was well warmed up and then jumped into the pool. Swimming over to the edge of the pool, I rested my arms on the wet tiles and waited for Danny to hit ‘play’.

  He threw another lopsided smile at me, pushed the button, and climbed in beside me. Suddenly, ‘Wolf Like Me’ by TV On The Radio burst to life and I found myself officially motivated!

  “Okay!” yelled Danny. “The competition’s less than two weeks away – let’s see what you’ve got!”

  An hour later and I was exhausted. I had really pushed myself and Danny was impressed with how fast I was. Even though he warned me to take it easy, I could tell that he was proud of what I had achieved.

  “Right Gilmore,” he began as he swam over to me. “I think that’s enough for tonight.”

  I nodded. “Okay. But Danny, can I ask you something? I want you to answer honestly now.”

  Danny’s hazel eyes looked at me in surprise. “Sure,” he said, “what is it?”

  “Do you think –” I paused, unsure of whether I should continue. Eventually, I heaved a sigh and started again. “Do you think I’ve got a shot at this competition or am I just kidding myself?”

  I quickly looked away, ashamed of the fact that I was scared of something so silly. I really wanted to do well and I was afraid that I just wouldn’t be up to par with the other swimmers.