How to Liv

by Megan Keith

  I’m not sure how long I stayed holed up in my room but eventually I had to leave to use the bathroom. I wandered through my empty house, grateful that my sister must have gone out. I grabbed the packet of Tim Tams from the fridge and collapsed on the couch. I only ate one before I threw the packet on the coffee table. Not even those were gonna help make this go away.

  I turned the TV on and flipped through the channels, not really paying any attention to what was on the screen. My thoughts going over and over the amazing night I had last night with Joel and then the heartbreak of this morning.

  What did he mean by that comment about my reality being distorted? Did he mean that I had been taking things too seriously? Maybe I put too much pressure on him to be with me. Did he not want to be in a relationship with me at all, from the beginning? Is that what he meant? Because when I told him I wanted to be with him the other day he didn’t have much of a response. Good. That’s all he said.

  But then I believed what Karen said last night, “That guy wants you bad. You, my friend, are all that he sees.” I felt the heat of his gaze, the intensity in bed last night. That was real. Maybe that’s all it is - a physical thing for him.

  I didn’t have any answers and after the way Joel stormed out, I wasn’t sure if I would ever get any.

  So that’s how I spent the rest of my Saturday, wallowing in self-pity, wondering where I went wrong. Wondering why Ally always got everything. When was it my turn? I thought better of Joel than that…

  I heard Ally’s car in the driveway and realised that it was already dark out. Rather than facing her I jumped up and quickly raced to the bathroom to take a shower. I took my time in there, and when I finally went back to my room Ally’s bedroom door was closed. Good, I thought as I closed my own door, I won’t have to look at her face until tomorrow. It’s moments like these I really wished she would move out already.

  I went to bed straight away. Physically and emotionally exhausted, I fell asleep within minutes.

  Sunday morning I was woken by my phone that would not stop ringing and alerting me of text messages. I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep but it was impossible. I had trouble focusing my eyes to see the time because they were raw from crying. I could feel that they were all puffy and every time I blinked it felt like sandpaper. Ally burst through my door unexpectedly.

  “Okay Lib, are you going to tell me what’s wrong? Your phone has been going off non-stop and I’m guessing it’s Joel who keeps calling. He’s keeping me from sleeping in.” Yep, it’s always about her. She sat down on the edge of my bed and reached for my phone. “Yep. Five missed calls and three unread texts, all from Joel.” She placed it back on the bedside table. “Talk to me. What happened?”

  I rolled my eyes and turned away, so typical of her to pretend to be all concerned.

  “Please talk to me.” After another moment of silence she said, “That guy is crazy into you and you’re just going to ignore him? Why?” She huffed. “What did he do?”

  “What guys always do when they get around you Ally, what do you think?” I replied, bitterly.

  “Huh?”

  “You put on your charm and have every man I’m into, falling at your feet. Why would Joel be any different?” I rolled back over to face her, fury racking me.

  “I didn’t-”

  “Didn’t what? Make a play for Joel? Do you think I’m stupid? Of course you did, that’s what you always do!”

  “What did he tell you?” She looked guilty, not a look I saw on her often. Well that confirms it then. “It’s not what you think!”

  “Get out!”

  “No Libby, you have to believe me. I promised I wouldn’t do that again and I meant it.”

  “Whatever Ally, just go.” I closed my eyes, no longer wanting to see her face.

  “I’m glad you think so highly of me. I know I’ve done the wrong thing in the past. But after what happened with Darren…” She sounded like she was almost in tears. “I’ve hurt you before, but I told you I would never do that to you again. You’ve gotta believe me! Please Libby.”

  She actually sounded genuine which caused me to open my eyes. When I saw the look on her face I was shocked, she actually did have tears. Real tears. I sat up.

  “You’re crying?” I asked incredulously.

  “Libby, I know I’ve done the wrong thing… I promised I would never do that again and I meant it.”

  She started sobbing and I was in total shock. Ally doesn’t cry. My arms came around her and pulled her into a hug. I was angry at her but crying was serious business for Ally, there must be some truth behind what she’s saying. And, well, she’s my sister, I couldn’t not comfort her. After a moment she pulled back.

  “Do you want to know what Joel said to me yesterday?” she asked with a sniff.

  “I’m not sure that I do. I saw the way he looked at you Ally, I heard him warn you that you better run.” She looked at me curiously and then I saw the realisation dawn on her.

  “He told me to run, because he wanted me to leave.” She gave me a sympathetic half-smile as she wiped her wet cheeks.

  “Why?”

  “That’s what he- let me start from the beginning, okay?”

  I nodded.

  “I came out of my room yesterday morning to find Joel in the kitchen. He asked where you were, he seemed concerned. When I told him I didn’t know he didn’t respond. I told him he looked a little distracted and he just shook his head like he was trying to clear it or something. He didn’t answer me. Okay, I’ll admit it, it pissed me off to be ignored. I did try to flirt with him a little - but it’s not what you think!” she was quick to add. “I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t another Craig or Darren. No matter what you think of me Libby, I do want you to be happy.” She squeezed my hand. “So I tested him. I bent down in front of him, he didn’t even look at my arse. I reached across him to get a cup and he moved aside. I asked him if he had a good night and he bit my head off. He said he would appreciate it if I stopped flirting with him and that he wasn’t interested.” She paused and took a breath and my heart swelled.

  “Really?” I squeaked out and she nodded.

  “He also said he would appreciate it if I would stop making comments that make you uneasy. I’m not sure what he meant by that though.”

  I sniggered. She really had no idea how cruel her remarks to me could be sometimes. It’s sweet that Joel had picked up on that and stuck up for me.

  “Anyway, I told him that he better look after you. I didn’t give him the details, but I told him you’d been hurt in the past. I said that if he hurt you I would hurt him. He laughed at me and asked if he was being punked or something. He has a great laugh Libby, so sexy. Sorry. Anyway, I asked what his plans were for the day and he said they didn’t concern me and it was best that I went out. He made his intention clear, if you know what I mean.” She giggled - my boyfriend had that effect on women. My boyfriend!

  “Oh no! What the fuck have I done?”

  “That’s what I’d like to know.”

  “I totally misread the whole thing. I accused him- shit!”

  “You thought he wanted to be with me?” she asked, nodding her head in understanding. “You’ve got it so wrong. I don’t think he even likes me as a potential sister-in-law.”

  “Sister-in-law?”

  “Well you never know. He could be ‘the one’ Libby. You’ll never know if you don’t speak to him. I’ve noticed how happy he makes you. He’s good for you.”

  “I fucked up!” I threw myself back against the bed and covered my eyes with my forearm.

  “So fix it!”

  “How? What if it’s too late?”

  Ally moved my arm from my face and silently handed me my phone before leaving the room, shutting the door behind her. I slid my finger across the screen opening up my text messages. The first one was from 5:14 p.m. yesterday.

  I’m giving you space to figure this out. But please know that I’m waiting for you to come to the ri
ght conclusion and if you don’t I will be hounding you until you do.

  I swallowed hard, tears forming in my eyes again. Why didn’t I read this yesterday? Why didn’t I listen to Ally when I she tried to speak to me yesterday? This could have all been resolved.

  The next text was sent at 8:02 a.m. this morning:

  Stop ignoring my calls. Please answer the phone!

  The last text was the kicker. It just about broke my heart for what I had been putting him through, for no reason other than my stupid insecurities. It was sent half an hour ago at 9:47 a.m.:

  I won’t give up on us. I know we haven’t been together long but the truth is I feel like I’ve known you practically my whole life. I wasn’t really living before I met you and I don’t want to go back to that. Please speak to me. I need you. I can’t live my life not knowing you. x

  It wasn’t a text message it was a love letter. It made my heart soar and then plummet back down to earth in realisation. He probably thought I had been reading these messages as they came in. That I’d seen them and ignored them. He probably thought I didn’t care. But I did. I really did. I brought up his number and hit send. He picked up on the first ring.

  “Liv I-”

  “Joel, are you at home? Can I come over? I need to explain myself,” I said in a rush.

  “Yeah, I’m home.”

  “I’ll be there soon.” I hung up before he had another chance to speak.

  When Joel opened his front door he barely looked at me. He turned and headed toward the lounge room, taking a seat on the couch. I silently closed the door and followed, taking a seat beside him.

  “Liv, I don’t want your sister,” he said quietly.

  He looked me in the eye and I could see the pain there. Who’d have thought you could care so much for someone that you’d only just met? But I could see it then. I could see it in his eyes. Joel really cared for me and I’d hurt him by pushing him away.

  “I know. Joel I’m sorry. I was so mad… I didn’t even look at my phone until about fifteen minutes ago.” He opened his mouth to speak, but I continued anyway, “I have difficulties trusting people, in particular my sister.”

  “Your sister is a bitch.” My eyes went wide at his comment and he flinched. “I’m sorry, I know I probably shouldn’t say that but, she is. I know it’s judgemental of me when I barely know her, but Ally is fucking toxic. She speaks to you like crap. She puts you down-”

  “Not all the time,” I interrupt him.

  “Maybe not, but enough to cause you heartache. I’ve seen her words hurt you Liv and I don’t like seeing you hurt. How could you possibly think I’d pick her over you? I don’t even fuckin’ like her. I was only talking to her yesterday to be polite.” I tried to speak but he continued over me, his words in a rush. “She flirted with me, not the other way around. I told her I wasn’t interested.”

  “I know. She told me everything that was said.”

  “So why were you so quick to throw me out? I mean-”

  “Joel. Please just listen,” I pleaded. He shut his mouth and nodded. I took a deep breath. “When I was in high school I started going out with this guy. More like we hung out and made out behind the shelter shed, that kind of thing. Ally was a little jealous of me because he was popular, part of the crowd she wanted to be in. She made it obvious that she wanted to be the one going out with him. She was younger and prettier than me, so she knew she could get him. A couple weeks into my so-called relationship I went to meet my group of friends in our usual spot one lunchtime, only to discover him making out with Ally instead. It’s not like I was in love with him or anything but…” I swallowed as the old hurts started to re-surface. “I was a teenager, it crushed me.”

  “I’m sure it did.”

  “A few years ago, I was on a date with a man that I’d met through some mutual friends. We’d seen each other a number of times at group gatherings and my friend gave him my number so he could ask me out. I’d been so excited when he called, I’d had a crush on him for ages. It was our first date and it was going well until Ally walked into the restaurant. Ally knew him too, she took a seat at our table to have a quick chat. Well, that quick chat turned into a full-on conversation, between the two of them. I became the third wheel on their date.”

  “Liv, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. It didn’t bother me that much it was only a first date.” I laughed bitterly. “I found out later that when he asked for my number he meant to ask for Ally’s. He got our names confused. So I really can’t blame her for that one. He turned out to be a pretty decent guy and they were together for about a year.”

  “Yeah, but still, I can understand why you would have trouble trusting her.”

  “Oh no, it gets worse. I’d been seeing this guy Darren, we’d been together for a few weeks, maybe a month. We were at a friend’s party, Rachel, you met her the other night. We were all drinking, having fun…” Joel nodded. This one really hurt to talk about so I decided to just spit it out, “until I walked in on Ally fucking him in the bathroom.”

  “She fuckin’ what?” Joel asked in shock.

  “Ally has this way of getting what she wants. She always has. That night she happened to want my boyfriend. He was only too happy to oblige.”

  “Fuck! She’s a piece of work.”

  “Yeah well, it takes two to tango.”

  “Hey, don’t you defend her! What she did was wrong!”

  “Yeah I know, but that’s Ally, she doesn’t think things through. She doesn’t think about how her actions affect people. If she wants something, she goes after it.” I put my head down and played with my fingers in my lap. “Joel, I know she finds you attractive. When I walked in on you two yesterday, it was like déjà vu. Ally getting what she wanted again.”

  “It’ll never happen Liv.” Joel lifted my chin with a finger. “She may be able to get her way sometimes but like you said ‘it takes two to tango’ and there is no way I’d ever touch her. You have my word.” His eyes searched my face and I could see he was being completely honest.

  “She’s not all bad. I saw a genuine nice side to her today. She assures me she’ll never do that to me again. I didn’t speak to her for months after the bathroom incident.”

  Joel moved a little closer to me on the couch and his hand cupped my cheek. “I understand why you can’t trust her, but Liv, I want you to trust me.”

  “I want to Joel, I do. But that’s the other thing. Ally’s not the only one that has betrayed me.” I let out a huge sigh and Joel’s hand dropped from my face. Here goes. “So, I’ve only ever had one real long term relationship. His name was Craig. We were together for nearly four years. We were talking about moving in together. I had no idea that he was cheating on me. I was having a girls’ night with a few friends. Kylie, my best friend since high school was-”

  “The one with the matching tattoo?”

  “That’s the one. She decided after a few drinks she needed to come clean. She’d been sleeping with him behind my back for months. After she told me, I confronted him. He didn’t even try to deny it. He never put up any sort of fight. He walked away from our life together and went straight into her bed. He left me feeling like he never even cared at all.”

  “Shit. Liv, I’m so sorry.” Joel’s put his arm around my shoulder and I wiped the tears from my eyes before they had a chance to fall. “How long ago was this?”

  “Um, about two years ago now. So you can see why Kylie and I are no longer friends. I lost a lot of friends when that happened, actually. We had a big group of mates. Sure, most of them took my side, in the beginning. But you know, I was heartbroken, social occasions came and went, I didn't go, eventually Craig and Kylie did... Our friends all took sides that weren't mine. It kinda got hard to trust people after that.”

  “I can understand that.”

  “It still hurts,” I blurted out.

  “You’re not over him?” Joel asked, looking down on me with worried eyes.

  “No, no, i
t’s not that. It hurts that I lost a good group of mates because of it. Deep down I always knew he wasn’t ‘the one’ for me. I still loved him though, ya know? Being cheated on is not pleasant.”

  “Of course not.”

  “I no longer care for him, not in the slightest, but I miss my old friends. I miss having a girlfriend like Kylie. I miss having a social life. I’ve been alone for a really long time Joel. I’ve gotten used to that. Kylie and Craig threw everything away for just a couple of months together. I guess, if they had of lasted, been in love, got married, I probably could’ve accepted it… eventually. But no, they tossed me away for nothing.” As the anger rose in me, I pulled from Joel’s grasp. “Kylie had been my best friend for most of my life and she threw our friendship away as if it was meaningless. And Craig…” I shook my head, “people warned me that he was a sleaze. I’d seen him flirt with women, but I didn’t think he’d actually cheat on me. I wasted four years on that bastard!”

  Joel grabbed my hand and squeezed. I looked into his eyes filled with compassion and I really hoped that he would never, ever, put me through something like that. I was so broken after Craig that I didn’t date at all for over year. Even though I’ve only known Joel for a short time I’m sure that a few years, even just a couple of months, down the track with him, if he were to do what Craig did, it would surely destroy me.

  “So, you can see why I have trouble trusting people. I now know that I had no right to react the way I did yesterday and I’m sorry.” I let out a shaky breath and looked him meaningfully in the eye. “I want to be with you Joel, and I want to trust you, I do. It may just take some time. I need you to be patient with me.”

  “Okay,” he said, with a slight nod.

  “I’m warning you though, I’m in an ‘all or nothing’ kind of stage in my life. I don’t want to play games. I don’t want to waste my time on something if it’s not going anywhere.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Your text earlier? I feel it too. I feel a connection with you and I want to see where it goes.”