How to Liv

by Megan Keith

  “C’mon, did you really think I’d fall for that?”

  He pulled his hand away and continued walking to the car. I crossed my arms, huffing in defeat. By the time I sat in the passenger seat of the car he was already tucking into the lollies.

  I put my belt on and then watched him stuffing his face.

  “I cannot remember the last time I had a Wizz Fizz,” he exclaimed, holding up the bag of sherbet before putting it back inside. “Mmm, musk sticks.” He shoved two in his mouth, giving me an evil smirk.

  “Joel, give me my lollies!”

  “Oh look, bananas!” He said around a mouthful, holding one up and giving me a wink before popping it in his open mouth. “Alright, here you go.” He passed me one of the bags and I look inside, it was nearly empty.

  “Give me your bag, you’ve eaten most of this one,” I complained.

  “Nope.”

  “Joel, you’re so mean!” I pulled out a licorice black cat. “Yuck! Here you can have this one!”

  “No thanks!” He wrinkled up his nose and I pouted at him. He stared at me a moment before surrendering, “Alright, here ya go.” He finally passed me the other bag so he could start the car. “Spoil sport.”

  “Meanie!” I poked my tongue out at him and he laughed.

  I dug around in the bag until I found a Chupa Chup, it was strawberries and cream flavoured. When I eventually got the stupid wrapper off I stuck it in my mouth and absentmindedly looked out the window into the darkness as we headed towards Raelene and Adam’s place. Their place was a little out of town and so when we got further from the street lights of the suburbia I noticed the sky. It was cloudless and the stars were shining bright. As if it was planned on purpose ‘Starlight’ by Muse came on the radio just then.

  “What a beautiful night! Look at all the stars Joel.”

  Joel glanced at me before leaning forward and peering up through the windscreen. He suddenly pulled his ute off the side of the road.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “Let’s just take a moment,” was his only explanation before he got out of the car.

  He met me at my side and took hold of my hand. I shivered, the air was a little crisp. He grabbed his picnic blanket from the tool box on the back of his ute then pulled me into the field we were parked beside. Instead of putting the blanket on the ground like I thought he would, Joel wrapped it around my shoulders and pulled me close.

  “Can I suck your lollipop?” he asked huskily. I removed it from my mouth and pointed it toward him.

  “As long as you give it back,” I warned him.

  He stuck his tongue out and licked it sensually, keeping his eyes on mine, before sucking it into his mouth. The intense look in his eyes coupled with his sexy smirk sent my arousal into overdrive. That quickly disappeared when I heard a loud crunch. I pulled the stick from his mouth to reveal it was no longer holding a lolly.

  “You shit!” I laughed, shoving his chest, he didn’t let me go.

  “Come ‘ere,” he mumbled around his mouthful pulling me closer. He leant down to give me a kiss. His lips tasted like strawberries and before I even knew what was happening he was forcing a piece of the lollipop back into my mouth with his tongue.

  “Mmm.” I pulled away from him, crunching on my own piece.

  He chuckled and moved to my side. His hand trailed the length of my arm and his fingers tangled with mine. We stood in that field staring up into the perfectly clear sky at the hundreds and thousands of stars for I’m not sure how long. Peace washed over us and I sighed in contentment.

  “Look at all those stars!” Joel eventually said.

  “Makes us seem small and insignificant,” I whispered.

  “I dunno, you’re pretty significant to me,” he replied, making me smile. I felt his eyes on me before I’d even turned my head. He cupped my cheek and ducked his head closer to mine. “Have I ever told you how much I love your eyes?” I shook my head. “Well I do. They are my favourite thing in the world. The deepest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. I could lose myself in them for days.” He was staring at me, and even in the darkness, I could feel the intensity behind his own eyes. I felt it then, I felt that deeper connection, like we were soul mates. My heart sped up and my breathing slowed.

  “You can’t even see them clearly, it’s pretty dark out here,” I replied absentmindedly.

  “True, but I’ve got them stored in here.” He tapped the side of his forehead. I got on my tippy toes and planted my lips on his. His hands came up to both sides of my head and he held me in place as his lips started to move slowly against mine. My eyes closed as I got lost returning his gentle kiss.

  Closing the last of the space between us I stepped into him, melting into his body. My hands wrapped around his neck and our kiss deepened. His tongue ploughed into my mouth and stole my breath. When our lips eventually parted we were both gasping for air.

  “C’mon we should get going. We’ve got a whole ‘nother party to get to,” I said.

  I tugged on his hand and took a step in the direction of his car but he didn’t budge. I turned to see a strange, kind of worried, look on his face.

  “Joel?”

  He took a step closer to me and opened his mouth but nothing came out. He watched his own hand sweep my hair behind my ear before refocusing on my face.

  “I love you. Liv-”

  “I love you too.” I gave him a quick kiss before I pulled away, taking another step. He still didn’t move. “What?” I tugged his hand again.

  “I just… oh nothing, you’re right, we should go.”

  When we arrived at Raelene’s party it was in full swing. The backyard was crowded with people and Icehouse was pumping from the stereo. We were a little overdressed for the party, having just come from Eric’s. My eyes strayed from the crowd in front of me to the man behind. Joel was the most handsome man, no matter what he was wearing, but I couldn’t help but feel like the luckiest woman here when he was dressed like that.

  “Yay! Here they are!” Raelene squealed excitedly when she spotted us walking in the back gate. She bounced over and threw one arm around each of our necks. “Good to see you both!”

  “You too! Happy birthday Raelene!” I said, thrusting her gift toward her once she released us.

  “What’s this? I said no presents!”

  “We don’t care what you said. Now open it!” I replied, while Joel remained quiet behind me. In fact, he hadn’t said much since we left the field.

  Raelene tore into the envelope that I had given her and gasped.

  “What? Oh Liv, are you kidding me?” Her face lit up when she read the paper in her hands. It was a voucher for a five star hotel in the city.

  “It’s valid for twelve months, so you and Adam can go whenever. Maybe you could go to a show or concert or something. Just let us know when, and Joel and I will mind Chelsea for the night.”

  She jolted when I spoke and I saw her eyes glisten. She looked back and forth between my face and Joel’s. I giggled at her reaction.

  “What?”

  “You sound like a real couple. It just makes me so happy!” She pulled me in for another hug. “Thank you for the awesome gift. And thank you for rocking my boy’s world!” She rubbed my back before pulling away and throwing her arms around Joel’s neck. “I told you she was a keeper!”

  “And of course you were right,” Joel said with a roll of his eyes.

  “Always am!”

  “What you got there?” Adam asked, coming to Raelene’s side. She moved the piece of paper closer so he could read it. “Alright!” He fist pumped the air. “It’s not even my birthday and I get a dirty weekend! Woohoo!” I burst out laughing and he turned to me. “Was this your doing Liv?” I nodded and he grabbed me around the waist, lifting me into a bear hug. “Thanks babe!”

  “Alright, alright, put the girl down!” Raelene shoved his back, he put me down and she put her arm around my shoulders. “Come on Liv, let me introduce you to some people.”
>
  “So good to see you again mate!” A short pudgy blond man said, holding out his hand. Joel stiffened beside me.

  “G’day, Drew.” Joel shook the man’s hand but he was a bit standoffish.

  Adam, who was sitting on the other side of Joel, stood and put his arm around Drew’s shoulder.

  “Drew my man, how about we go crack open a bottle of the good stuff,” he said leading him away.

  “So how do you know all these people?” I asked Joel, while watching the two men disappear into the crowd.

  “I don’t really, only through Raelene and Adam. Well, except for Drew.” He put his beer bottle to his lips and took a swig.

  “Oh, how did you two meet?”

  Before he had a chance to answer his attention was taken by a girl I’d noticed watching us a few times that night. She was an attractive brown haired woman, slightly taller than me and very voluptuous.

  “Hi, Joel,” she said with a broad smile giving him a hug. “You must be Liv. I’m Rita.”

  “Hi,” I said back. She gave me a small wave and then took a seat beside Joel.

  “How’ve you been Rita? Adam was telling me you were moving house?” Joel asked turning to her.

  “Oh yeah. I did. Smaller but cheaper rent. What about you? Any closer to buying a place?”

  “Getting there,” he said with a nod of disinterest.

  There was an awkward silence. My eyes travelled involuntarily toward her face and I noticed her glance at Joel before swallowing and looking away. I saw Joel do pretty much the same thing before sliding his hand onto my thigh and giving it a squeeze.

  “Well, I might go see if Raelene wants a hand with anything.” Rita shrugged as she stood and quietly walked away.

  “That was a bit awkward,” I said to Joel, once Rita was out of earshot. “You know her intimately, don’t you?” I teased him, though for some reason I didn’t feel jealous.

  “No!”

  I gave him a pointed stare.

  “I swear to god I don’t! Not for her lack of trying though. I’ve only ever turned her down.”

  “Really?” I was genuinely shocked at that. I mean she was an attractive woman and, up until recently, Joel was very much single.

  “Yes, really.” He chuckled and threw his arm over my shoulder.

  That was confirmed later in the night by the woman herself.

  “How did you do it?” Rita asked, standing beside me. I was picking at a platter of bickies and dip at the food table.

  “Do what?” I asked around a mouthful of biscuit.

  “Bag the unbaggable.” I turned to her, almost sputtering my food in her face. She continued, “I’ve been chasing him for years and the most I ever got was a kiss one New Year’s Eve.” The look on my face must have been murderous because she was quick to add, “It was only a peck I swear!” She held her hands up in surrender and gave me a friendly smile which I returned. “I cut my losses on that one a while back.”

  We both turned to where Joel was standing in quiet conversation with Adam in the corner of the yard. He looked over to us both and the serious look on his face morphed into a gloriously happy one. He gave me a wink.

  “I’ve never seen him so happy.”

  I tore my eyes off Joel and turned to the woman at my side. She gave me a genuine smile.

  “I really hope it works out for you guys.”

  “Thanks,” I replied.

  God it felt good to hear that, especially from a casual observer – I made him happy.

  Joel and I spent the night in the spare room at Adam and Raelene’s. I awoke to an empty bed the next morning at a little after ten. It had been a really fun night. I’d made a new friend in Rita, she may have been interested in Joel once, but I knew she wasn’t a threat. We actually got along really well and by the time I was crawling into bed, we’d exchanged phone numbers and organised a shopping spree, slash girls’ day out with Raelene in a couple of weeks’ time.

  After using the bathroom, I followed the sound of voices out into the backyard. It was a different atmosphere to the last time I’d stayed there. For one, there was no Chelsea. She had spent the night at Adam’s parents’ house. Also, there were about a dozen hung-over people helping themselves to a barbeque breakfast. I had no idea where they had all slept and silently wondered if they had slept at all when I noticed one of the guys drinking a can of beer.

  Joel found me and gave me a kiss on the forehead. He put his hand on my hip and gave it his favourite squeeze.

  “Good morning, sleepyhead,” he murmured to me. I rested my head on his chest and gave a yawn. My stomach growled with the smell of delicious greasy goodness.

  “I’m starved.” I pulled from Joel’s embrace and took a couple of steps toward the table, coming to a stop beside the guy I remembered as Drew. I picked up a plate and put a snag on it.

  “Look at this spread! Didn’t get a feed like this back in the clink, hey, Joel?” Drew kidded, looking over my shoulder at Joel.

  “What do you mean?” I asked Drew, thinking it must be some kind of joke that I hadn’t been privy to before.

  “When we were in jail-” Drew started to explain before Joel cut him off.

  “Don’t say a-fucking-nother word!” he fumed. Silence descended over the whole group. My eyes flicked around and it seemed that everyone was staring at us.

  “Joel?” I gasped at him, my heart thumping hard in my chest. He was really angry.

  “Liv, I-” he stopped short, unable to look me in the eye.

  “What’s Drew talking about?” I asked, barely above a whisper, when it became apparent he wasn’t going to say anything else. “You were in jail?” I didn’t need to ask, I knew, right then I knew. Joel had kept a very major part of himself secret from me. I sucked in a breath. I felt light headed and not really part of the scene. “How long?”

  “Four years,” he replied, barely above a whisper. I had trouble breathing.

  “I didn’t know it was a fucking secret! Get a grip Adam!” I turned slowly in the direction of Drew’s voice, Adam had him by his shirt collar. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked at all the people gathered around the table. Some openly stared at me, waiting for my reaction, while others avoided my gaze completely.

  They know! They all know!

  I silently put my plate down on the table and turned away. I paused for a moment in front of Joel. He had his head down and I so badly wanted to slap him, punch him, shove him… something. But I didn’t. Instead I walked away. In a daze, I made my way out the side gate and somehow ended up in the centre of front yard sitting on the lawn, sobbing.

  Totally blindsided again. Four years of his life was spent locked up? Why? What did he do? Why didn’t he tell me this? Everyone knew, except me. His girlfriend. The person he supposedly loved… Loved. Right. He loved me about as much as Craig did. Obviously. He lied and cheated. It was only a matter of time, I knew this, before the other shoe dropped. I knew it was too good to be true. Everything was just, too perfect between us. I should have known something like this would happen. That Joel couldn’t be real. Now I knew he wasn’t. He wasn’t who he claimed to be at all. That other shoe well and truly fucking dropped! He’s a liar!

  “Liv,” Joel said quietly from beside me. I don’t know how long I’d been out there or how long he had been. I couldn’t look at him. I could hear the worry in his voice but I didn’t want to see it on his face. I didn’t want to look at him and see him hurting. I didn’t want to pity him. He didn’t deserve any pity. He lied to me.

  “When?” I whispered eventually, wiping my cheeks of tears. “When were you in jail and what for?”

  “I got out two years ago. I was charged for assault.” He spoke so softly, I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly at first. His voice sounded strained and different to how I’d ever heard it before. He didn’t sound like my Joel.

  Assault? My Joel isn’t violent, he’s gentle and sweet.

  My Joel? I don’t even know who this guy is.

&nbs
p; “Four years… for assault,” I repeated, once the words had sunk in. My throat felt like it was closing in on me. I felt as if I might throw up. I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face and I had trouble breathing. The shock gave way to anger and I abruptly stood up. Looking down on a pale and slightly shaky Joel, I yelled, “FOUR FRIGGEN YEARS!” I started pacing. “And you thought I had trouble letting you in! Are you kidding me? You never told me you were in fucking jail! That’s no small secret Joel - that’s huge!” I came to a stop in front of him and put my hands on my hips. “You lied to me!”

  “I didn’t really lie.” He spoke with his head down. He picked at the grass beside him. “I just didn’t tell you.”

  “Seriously? That’s your defence?”

  “I’m sorry. I meant to tell you. I was going to tell you about everything, I-”

  “How do I know you’re not lying now? You haven’t always told me the truth! You weren’t exactly honest about Adam being your brother!” He flinched and glanced at me quickly. It felt good that my words were hurting him. I wanted him to feel like me. It was a low act, I knew that he had his reasons for telling me Adam was his brother. It wasn’t really a lie because of the relationship they had.

  No screw that! He never even told me what those reasons were!

  “You’ve never told me anything about your past! You’ve been keeping me in the dark all along.”

  “I’ve never lied to you.” He spoke so quietly and I could see him withdrawing from me. He looked small and resigned, sitting on the ground at my feet. I felt sorry for him. I desperately had the need to comfort him. But I was hurting so bad I couldn’t let him see that.

  “You promised no secrets.” My voice was low and weak… resigned.

  I stormed off toward the street.