by Edina Davis
“Thanks for the compliment,” she replied. “If you want to talk to me now, I’m ready.” She looked at him questioningly.
It took a while before Alex started talking, and what Carolyn then heard upset her deeply. She learned that Alex’s and Carina’s marriage had only existed on paper for years and that she had betrayed him right from the beginning. Not with one man, no … there had been countless men over the years.
“She didn’t even stop at Kevin! Can you imagine, Carry? She even seduced my best friend! Kevin recently came to me and confessed having slept with her. He said he’d been crazy about her for a long time but hadn’t wanted to deceive me. She, however, had persisted until he had broken down. He had wanted to end the affair again and again but had never found the strength to do so. The poor fellow really and truly fell in love with her! Oh my God.” Alex sighed deeply. “He even claimed he couldn’t live without her anymore!”
Alex’s hands played nervously with the tablecloth before he added quietly: “But that’s what I also thought a long time ago, fool that I was.”
Carolyn swallowed at these words but forced herself to say: “That must have been horrible for you.”
“Yes, it was, but only because I’m so disappointed in Kevin. I’ve known for years what she’s like and it doesn’t affect me any longer. Well, I didn’t reproach Kevin because I know he’ll have his own experience with this woman soon enough, and I think that’s enough punishment.”
“So, you didn’t say anything at all?” Carolyn asked, astonished.
“No, not much. I just said that they both have my blessing and asked him to leave. So that friendship is over.”
He paused again before talking about what had happened when Carina had heard about Kevin’s visit to Alex. She had of course tried to downplay everything and blame Kevin.
“She claimed it was only once and only because Kevin made her drunk and harassed her to reach his goal. She swore Kevin didn’t mean anything to her and that she would definitely not agree to a divorce. Then she burst into her famous crocodile tears and declared to love me more than anything else in the whole world and that she was not able to live without me. How stupid does this woman think I am?”
Carolyn suppressed a reply and let him continue with his story.
“For the first time in this unhappy marriage I lost my self-control, for which I’m not proud of. I screamed at her how much I despised her, that I had known about her and her dirty little affairs for a long time and had only remained silent out of consideration for my parents and their position in society. At the end I said that soon after our marriage I had already regretted leaving you for her. Yes, and then she totally freaked out. She attacked me like a fury. First, she hit me with her fists, then she threw dishes at me. She screamed like a banshee, using the most obscene language. She kept screaming that I was a damn bastard and would regret it.”
Alex trembled all over.
“Carry, this woman is a monster!” He looked at Carolyn and she could see the agony in his eyes. Still, there was only one thing that interested her at this moment.
“Is that really true?” she asked.
He looked at her irritated. “What do you mean?”
Her voice quivered. “Do you really regret having left me?”
“Yes, that’s true, Carry. I should never have deceived you with her. Believe me, I’d do anything to undo my mistake. Nevertheless, I don’t want to fool you now, I just want to be completely honest with you, even though you won’t like my confession. Yes, I was fascinated by her charm and … at first, I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but I was keen on her from the beginning. After I slept with her for the first time, I was crazy for her and really believed I was in love with her, just like poor Kevin does now. But very soon after our wedding I realized that my feelings for her hadn’t been love but obsession, a flash in the pan. Well, I’ve had to clean away the left-over ashes for a long time.” His voice sounded bitter.
When he looked into Carolyn’s face and saw the pain in her eyes, he added: “I’m sorry, Carry. We men are terribly insensitive at times. I didn’t mean to hurt you with my frankness. Please believe me that the feelings I once had for your sister are not worth the pain that you and also, I might feel.” He looked pleadingly at her, but Carolyn kept her head lowered. Her heart raged with wild pain, unbridled jealousy and burning hatred of her sister.
“You know, Carry, my parents warned me about this woman from the beginning, but I ignored all warnings. I think that was the main reason why I held on to this marriage for so long, despite everything. I’ve actually known for years that I only ever loved you.”
He looked down as he said these words, as if he were ashamed to have spoken them.
Carolyn’s heart, however, had become lighter with each of his words and she was eager for his next words.
After what felt like an eternity, Alex lifted his gaze and met Carolyn’s eyes.
“Carry, I love you, very much so. Can you forgive me for what I did to you?”
Carolyn shivered when she said quietly: “I don’t know, Alex. This is all so sudden and surprising for me; do you understand that?”
“I don’t want to pressure you by expecting a reply from you immediately. I do know, however, that you’re not in a relationship with another man, otherwise I wouldn’t have asked this question at all. Please, think carefully about whether you can imagine a future with me in spite of everything that has happened, if you … can still love me at all.”
Carolyn’s first impulse was to put her arms around his neck and tell him that she had never stopped loving him. But she didn’t. The pain, the disappointment and the despair of those long years didn’t fall off just like that within a few minutes. She thought of the baby she had lost and of the fact that this loss had almost cost her her own life. No, she couldn’t make things too easy for him now.
“You’re right, I need some time,” she therefore said with a firm voice. “First, I need to learn to trust you again. I know I’m not the type of woman to awaken the kind of feelings in a man that you had for Carina. What would happen if another woman showed up in a few years, who totally turned you on, as you put it. What would you do, Alex?”
He looked at her sadly. “I can very well understand that you think that way, Carry. But believe me that I learned from my bad experiences. I would never again mix up sexual obsession with true love; on the contrary, I now know exactly that there’s no greater fulfilment than experiencing sexual passion with the woman I love with all my heart, and that’s you, Carry. I love you and I long for you.” He put his hand on hers and looked deep into her eyes.
She knew he was speaking the truth, sensed his desire and the love he felt for her. Just one tiny sign from her and they would fall into each other’s arms, would make passionate love, would forget everything else. She fought with herself, but it was too early.
Alex saw her struggle and waited. He would have loved to pull her close to him, caress and kiss her. He loved her with all his heart, desired her with every fibre of his body. Oh, how he wished she would give herself to him right away and tell him that she still loved him and forgave him everything. But he too felt that it wouldn’t happen.
“Please, give me time, Alex,” he heard her whisper.
“You have all the time in the world, Carry. I can wait, as long as I know it won’t be in vain.”
“It’s not … It’s not in vain.”
Alex’s eyes shone. “That makes me very happy, Carry.” He put his hand in his jacket pocket, pulled out a small package and put it on the table in front of her. “Please, unwrap when you’ve decided to give me another chance.” He got up and slowly walked to the door. “Can we stay in touch until you … I mean, I’d like to phone you now and then, only if you approve, of course.”
Oh, how she did approve! Even though she didn’t want to tell Alex at that point, she already knew what her dec
ision would be and wanted to tell him very soon.
After all these years, she still loved him dearly and she would love him as long as she lived. That was just the way it was and there was nothing she could do about it.
CHAPTER 62
On a Saturday morning, Carolyn stood under the shower and was just washing her hair when the phone rang. She did not leave the shower. Her slim body turned languorously under the tingling gush of hot water.
The phone kept ringing until the answering machine finally turned on. Despite the rushing water, Carolyn could hear her mother’s excited voice, but couldn’t make out what she was saying. She frowned unwillingly. She had been looking forward to this weekend so much. After all, it was a very special day, as she would see Alex again in a few hours. She would tell him that she still loved him and wanted to be with him. Now, today of all days, her mother called, with whom she had not had any contact for years, since the time Carina … The bitter expression around Carolyn’s mouth intensified when she thought of her twin sister.
She jumped out of the shower with a quiet curse on her lips, grabbed a towel from the hook and ran to the phone in the living room. She quickly picked up the receiver, and with a clearly ironic undertone asked: “Mother, to what do I owe the honour? When you call me early in the morning after ten years and your voice sounds as if the end of the world is near, it has to be something serious. What’s the matter?”
“How good that you’re home!” her mother stammered. She hesitated for a second and then continued: “Something absolutely horrible happened. You can’t imagine!” She let out a deep sigh. “Oh, your poor sister! I still can’t believe it.”
Carolyn’s face froze and her eyes turned cold.
That’s just typical! Nothing’s changed in all these years. Everything still revolves around Carina!
“What has Carina done now, Mother? And what on earth do I have to do with it?” she asked with a malicious smile on her lips.
Without reacting to her mocking comment her mother said quietly: “It’s about Alex.”
Carolyn froze. All blood had drained from her face. Alex … What had happened to him? She heard her mother talking as if from a great distance: “He’s dead! Oh my God, Alex is dead!” Debbie Harris now started sobbing loudly.
For a brief moment, Carolyn thought she had misheard. What had her mother said? She must have lost her mind. She struggled to keep her voice under control when she said: “Mother, what nonsense are you talking? Alex is dead? Whatever makes you think that? Why should Alex be dead?”
“It’s true!” her mother cried. “He was found … dead … by the cliffs, at the foot of Beachy Head. It’s so horrible!” Her mother’s sobbing was heartbreaking.
Suddenly, everything started to spin in Carolyn’s head. Sweat appeared on her forehead and colourful flashes danced in front of her eyes!
“Lynn, say something!” Debbie wailed. But Carolyn sat frozen on the living room carpet, ashen-faced and close to losing consciousness.
“Lynn, my God, why don’t you say something? Don’t you feel at all sorry for your sister? Will you never forgive her?” her mother screamed into the phone.
Carolyn struggled to keep her composure. Ignoring the words, she slowly emerged from her stupor and asked in an expressionless voice: “How did it happen?”
“Nobody knows exactly, he was on his own. It must have been an accident. Alex loved walking as close to the cliff edge as possible. Carrie told me that herself. He probably lost his footing and then … oh my God, poor Carrie! She loved Alex so much.”
“Mother, please stop. I’m incredibly sorry about what happened. It’s horrible, for me as well. After all I also loved Alex, as you hopefully remember. And I never betrayed him!”
“What do you mean by that?” her mother screamed.
“Exactly that, Mother,” Carolyn said stridently. “You don’t seriously mean to tell me that you had no idea about Carina’s little escapades?”
The line was silent for several seconds.
“You should be ashamed of yourself, Lynn!” her mother’s voice then sounded dangerously quiet. “I’d have expected a little more pity, even from you. Can’t you forgive your sister even in the face of death? Will you never forget that unfortunate matter?”
“Forget? Forgive? The hell I will! You’re not serious, Mother? Have you completely forgotten how much she hurt me? She lied and deceived me and all of that with your support! And now you want me to pretend it never happened? No, Mother! What Carina and you did to me is unforgivable.”
“Now you listen to me, my dear,” her mother began to speak.
“No, Mother, now you first listen to me,” Carolyn called out, her voice almost cracking. “I’ll never forgive the two of you for your mean deception! Never, do you understand? As long as I live!”
“Lynn, please,” her mother tried again, “please come to your senses! What should I have done when Carrie confided in me under tears? After all, I was standing between two chairs. What difference would it have made if I’d told you?”
“Probably none, but at least it would have been fair.”
“Whatever. Your sister and I are terribly sorry about what happened back then, and you eventually need to …” Carolyn interrupted her again.
“I don’t need to do anything at all, do you hear? I just don’t understand!” Carolyn slapped her hand against her forehead. “I don’t understand, Mother. Why do you over and over again have sympathy with Carina and not once with me? After all, you’re also my mother! Have you never felt sorry for me? What Carina did … it almost killed me! Have you completely forgotten that? Why do you love her so much that there’s no love left for me? Please, Mother, tell me!”
Carolyn’s last words sounded like a scream. Her outrage almost choked her. All the bitterness, anger and hatred from that time rose up in her again when she thought of Carina. What did this woman, who called herself her mother, expect from her after her sister had stolen away her beloved husband, only one-and-a-half years after her wedding?! Worst of all however … she had killed her baby and probably also driven Alex to his death!
Her mother’s voice once more tore her from her disturbing thoughts which had raced through her mind within seconds.
“You’re just imagining things! Your father and I love you just as much as we love Carrie,” her mother said with an indignant voice. “You were always jealous of your sister because she’s different from you, more cheerful and carefree. You were always too serious and introverted, whereas Carrie with her natural charm always spread happiness everywhere. She simply made it easier for us to love her. After all, you never let anyone get close to you! As soon as people took an interest in you, you withdrew as if you were scared of them.
Nevertheless, we have always loved you and tried to understand you. But you don’t want to acknowledge that! No, you rather talk yourself into believing that we love your sister more than you, just because you’re jealous of Carrie’s way with people. Why don’t you try to be more cheerful and carefree and to approach people openly? You blame Carrie for everyone liking her because you are unable to see yourself as you really are, which is insanely jealous and possessive!
Let me tell you something, Lynn. It wasn’t only your sister’s fault that Alex fell in love with her, it was largely your own! With Carrie he could finally behave true to his character. Why don’t you admit that you tried shaping him according to your own wishes and notions, to force your view of life on him. He couldn’t be himself in your presence!”
Carolyn swallowed. Then she quietly said: “Of course, I also made mistakes, I admit that. But in each marriage, both partners make mistakes. That’s by no means a reason to deceive your spouse.”
“I didn’t mean to say that. Please, Lynn, forget the past and finally make peace. After all, this was ten years ago! My God, you’ve achieved everything you wanted. You’re a doctor, have
an own practice with your friend, live in a nice little house and are financially independent. What else do you want?”
Maybe my husband and my son, whom I both lost due to your beloved Carrie? Carolyn almost wanted to cry out. But she didn’t say anything, as it was her secret that she had expected a baby at the time, and nobody apart from her best friend Laura and her husband knew about it.
“You’re very well informed about my life, Mother,” she therefore only said.
“You’re still our daughter after all!” her mother panted with indignation. “We at least still have the right to know about your living conditions!”
Carolyn ignored the comment. “What do you actually want from me, Mother?”
“Your sister lost her husband and needs us now, every one of us, including you! The next few weeks and months won’t be easy for her. Please Lynn, at least take away the burden of having lost her only sister for ever. Hasn’t she suffered enough from your abandoning her all these years, even though she begged for your forgiveness on her knees? Please give your heart a push and forgive her!” Deborah Harris could not contain herself anymore and started weeping bitterly.
Carolyn had remained calm during her mother’s passionate speech, even though her face was flushed with suppressed rage. This couldn’t truly be happening. How was it possible that her mother twisted the facts like that?
“So, Carina suffered? Do you even know what you’re talking about, Mother? You don’t understand anything, nothing at all. Carina hasn’t suffered once in her entire life because she has no human emotions. She’s ruthless, devious, and mean. She doesn’t care if other people suffer as long as she gets everything she wants!”
“How dare you talk about your sister like …”
“But she never knew any different!” Carolyn snapped at her mother. “You always let her get away with everything, while you picked on me. I could never please you in anything. I always had to pay the price for everything Carina did. You kept telling me that I was the more sensible one. But we’re twins, aren’t we, and I’m only seven minutes older than my “little sister”. Why on earth should I be more sensible than her? And now you want to tell me that you treated us both equally? Don’t fool yourself, Mother. Remember the issue with our names. There you also …”