Face the Music

by Melody Carlson

  I paused now and looked out over the crowd of mostly young faces. Okay, I’ll admit it. I did want to make them feel uncomfortable today. I wanted them to experience a tiny bit of the guilt that I’d been buried under when I first heard of her death. Why did I want to do this? Not to torture or torment anyone, but just to remind them of what’s important.

  “Doesn’t EVERYONE need a friend?” I asked. “I mean, whether a person is obnoxious or introverted or obese or anorexic or paranoid or self-centered or preppy or grungy or freaky or geeky or just plain average, don’t we ALL need a friend?” I saw some heads nodding, and even some moist eyes. “And I realized, as Tiffany opened up even more to me in her e-mails and told me a little about her life, that it hadn’t been so easy for her, and that she was pretty lonely. It was pretty obvious that she really needed a friend. And then I felt even worse. But then I continued to read until I came to some of her most recent e-mails, and that’s when I discovered that she had found the perfect friend. Like Pastor Fitzgerald said, Tiffany had given her heart to Jesus. And I could tell by the way she wrote in her e-mails that it was for real. I could tell that Tiffany was a changed person. I really liked the person she was becoming, and if she hadn’t died in that motorcycle wreck last weekend, I feel certain that she and I would’ve become really good friends this year.”

  I felt tears going down my cheeks now, but I just let them run. “Even though I know Tiffany is in heaven now—and believe me, I have no doubts about that—I feel sad that I won’t get to see our friendship grow down here on earth. It’s like we’d been through all the hard stuff together, and it was just about to get good, but now she’s gone.” I took a breath. “And I am really going to miss her.”

  Then I looked at the crowd again, pausing to scan the familiar faces, some now blotchy and streaked with tears. “But at least I know I’m going to see her again when we meet up in heaven. And let me tell you, there’s going to be an outrageous celebration going on up there on that homecoming day. I just hope that everyone here today will be there too. And I have a feeling Tiffany would agree with me on that. I have a feeling she’s up there right now saying, ‘Hey, you guys, wake up and smell the coffee. Figure out who God really is and what your life is all about. Get it together before it’s too late.’” I paused again, unsure of how to end my little mini sermon. “Well, I guess that’s all I have to say.”

  The pastor smiled at me as he returned to the pulpit. And picking up where I’d left off, he gave an invitation to everyone in the church to surrender their lives to Jesus. I kept my head down as he invited people to raise their hands. I prayed that God would nudge their hearts and that they would respond, and according to Jake (who admitted he’d peeked), that happened.

  Allie and Laura and I stayed and visited briefly, but I think we were all pretty wiped out. Allie had a doctor’s appointment since she seems to have some sort of bug, so we slipped out the back door while people were still visiting.

  I plan to visit Tiffany’s gravesite later on. Right now all I want to do is sleep until Christmas.

  LATER

  see ya later

  Tiffany

  beyond the sky

  beyond the sea

  see you in the

  land above

  land of peace

  land of love

  see ya later

  Tiffany

  thank you for

  forgiving me

  sing and dance

  and have no care

  when i’m done

  i’ll meet you there

  cm

  Wednesday, September 14

  Well, guess I didn’t really need to sleep until Christmas after all. But I did sleep for a couple of days. It turns out that Allie has mono. That’s why she was dragging so much at the end of the tour. So now she’s supposed to get a lot of rest and consequently hasn’t even been to school yet. She told me that the doctor said she may not be able to go to school for FOUR whole weeks.

  “How’d you get mono anyway?” I asked when I went to visit her last weekend. “Isn’t it supposed to be from kissing or something?”

  She didn’t say anything.

  “Allie? Did you and Brett kiss during the tour?”

  She still didn’t say anything.

  “Allie.”

  She made a face at me and turned to look out the window of her new bedroom. Oh yeah, I should mention that Allie gave Elise enough money to put a down payment on a house, which Elise and Davie moved into shortly before our tour ended. It’s in a new development at the edge of town, and although it wasn’t an expensive house, it’s a whole lot nicer and bigger than their old apartment. I guess they plan to live there even after Elise and Willy get married in December, since Willy’s place is pretty small.

  “Did you come here just to make me more miserable?” demanded Allie.

  I shook my head. “I’m sorry. But I am curious. Did you and Brett ever kiss?”

  She made a face. “Only a couple of times.”

  “Do you think—?”

  “Oh, I don’t know what to think, Chloe. Are you going to suggest that Brett gave me mono, that he goes around kissing every girl in sight and picked up some bug and …?”

  “Well, it could happen. Have you asked him?”

  “Nooo.”

  “What about our pact, Allie?”

  She shrugged. “It didn’t stop you.”

  “Yeah. I guess you’re right. But we only did it once, Al. And we were both really sorry, and I’m pretty certain it won’t happen again.”

  “At least not while we’re stuck here at home.”

  “Huh?”

  “Well, the doctor said I might not be ready to go on tour again for months.”

  “Months?”

  She nodded.

  “Months? Seriously.”

  “I’m sorry, Chloe.” She looked close to tears now.

  “It’s not really your fault, Allie. If anything, I should be the one to get mono. I deserve it.”

  She laughed. “No, you don’t. No one deserves it.”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “But I’m messing everything up for everyone.”

  “No, you’re not.” Suddenly, I remembered what Jeremy had said about trusting God for everything when Tiffany died. “We’re just going to have to trust God with this whole thing. If we’re supposed to go on tour again this year, then you’ll be well enough to go. If not, we’ll wait until you are.”

  “Willy already let Omega know. He said they weren’t even that surprised. I guess stuff like this happens a lot in the music circuit. He said that since we did such a great job on tour this summer and both our CDs are still selling well, then maybe we just all need a good-sized break anyway.”

  I sighed. “You know what, Allie? I feel kind of relieved. This summer really wiped me out. I mean, I’ve only written a couple of songs since last spring. Maybe we need a hiatus.”

  “What’s that?”

  “A break, you know.”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  “Have you told Laura yet?”

  “No, I thought I should tell you first.”

  “Well, she might be relieved too. You know she’s started her classes at community college this week, but she figured she might have to drop them when we went back on tour.”

  “Maybe she won’t.”

  “Are you sad that you don’t get to come to school?”

  She nodded. “I never thought I’d say it, but I am. I was looking forward to seeing our friends again …to getting back to the old life.”

  “Just take care of yourself,” I told her. “Do everything the doctor says and maybe you can come back to school sooner.”

  “I hope so.”

  “Guess this means no practicing too.”

  She nodded glumly. “Sorry.”

  “No, Allie, don’t keep saying ‘sorry.’ It’s not your fault. And like I said, God’s in control. We have to trust Him in this. He must want us to have this break for a re
ason. Life goes on, you know. Whether we’re touring the country or back here at home, life goes on. And it’s going to be okay.”

  I think she felt a little better when I left. And I totally meant what I said. I do want to learn to trust God in everything. Whether I’m onstage being encored by an ecstatic crowd, or doing my detested math homework by myself in my room, I want to trust God and just be where He wants me to be—and be happy about it.

  FACE THE MUSIC

  getting up

  each new day

  ready to live

  life God’s way

  face the music

  that’s how it goes

  what comes next

  nobody knows

  whether it’s fast

  or super slow

  whether you stay

  or go, go, go

  face the music

  that’s how it goes

  what comes next

  nobody knows

  whether you’re sick

  or feeling great

  whether it’s early

  or getting late

  face the music

  that’s how it goes

  what comes next

  nobody knows

  just live each day

  and do your best

  and in the end

  you’ll be blessed

  face the music

  that’s how it goes

  what comes next

  nobody knows

  cm

  Twenty-Six

  Friday, September 16

  Willy and Elise are so cute these days. They’ve been happily planning their wedding, and subsequently their life, but they were so eager to get married that they just decided to hang it all and get married next month. I don’t think I can blame them, really. I mean, if you know you’re going to marry someone and you believe it’s God’s will, well, why not just leap in with both feet and figure out all the details later? Of course, that’s just me, and I could be wrong. What do I know at the ripe old age of seventeen and a half?

  But I was pretty touched when Elise invited Laura and me over for dinner last night and asked us if we’d like to be bridesmaids in her wedding.

  “Allie is going to be my maid of honor,” she said, smiling at her daughter. “And the truth is, I really don’t have many friends—or much of a life, for that matter. And I had such a great time with you girls on that last road trip. It felt like we were all so close. And, well, do you think it would look too ridiculous for a thirty-five-year-old woman to have teenagers as her bridesmaids?”

  “I think it’s cool,” I told her.

  “Yeah, me too,” said Laura. “It’s like we’ve been this road sort of family already. Why not keep a good thing going?”

  “You don’t need to give me a shower,” said Elise. “Willy and I already have more things than we need.”

  But we’ve decided to do something special for Elise. Laura suggested we all pitch in to get them a dining room set since their new dining room is conspicuously empty. And since we can afford it, we might just do that, although I don’t have a clue as to where or how you go about doing such a thing. But I figure my mom will have some ideas.

  And so it’s all settled. Allie, Laura, and I will be Elise’s bridesmaids, and hopefully we’ll have it together enough by then to play some music at the reception, though this will be dependent on Allie’s recovery. So far she seems to be steadily improving. But we’ve discovered that just because she feels pretty good one day doesn’t necessarily mean that she’ll feel good the next day. Mostly she just needs to keep resting and taking it easy.

  Saturday, September 24

  Today was one of those spectacular fall days where the sky is so blue that it almost hurts your eyes, and the leaves are starting to turn colors—glorious. Anyway, I wanted to get outside and enjoy it, so I rode my bike up to the cemetery this morning, just to hang out for a while. Visit my old friends.

  Okay, I know that sounds kind of weird, not to mention slightly morbid, but I still like going up there. I like to visit Katherine Lucinda McCall’s grave. She’s the young woman who died in 1901, and her headstone reads, “May she dance with the angels.” I used to spend a lot of time at her grave back when I was fourteen and fifteen and depressed and dark. But Katherine Lucinda was good company back then, back when I had no friends, no life, no God. It was also back then that I finally came across, quite by accident (God’s accident, that is), Clay Berringer’s grave and was struck by the words of life found there. That’s when I first gave my heart to God.

  But today, I wanted to visit Tiffany’s grave. And I must admit that felt a little strange. I mean, Tiffany was someone I actually knew, talked to, spent time with, and even hated at one time, although I try not to think about that now. I’d stopped by the florist’s shop next to the Paradiso and gotten a small bouquet of white roses. I’m not even sure why I picked white roses, but maybe I thought Tiffany would like that. I hadn’t been to her grave before, but Cesar had told me where it was, not too far from Clay Berringer’s grave, and I found it pretty easily. I put my roses by her headstone, and they actually looked quite nice, kind of sweet and pure. Maybe that’s how Tiffany feels now that she’s with God in heaven.

  I sat on the ground next to her grave and asked God to tell Tiffany “hey” for me and that I’d gotten her e-mails and was happy that she’d finally figured it all out. And then to my surprise I began to cry. At first I wasn’t sure why I was crying. I mean, I’d assumed I’d gotten this all over with and out of my system weeks ago. But there I was sitting next to Tiffany Knight’s grave and just sobbing like a fool.

  “I’m so sorry, Tiffany,” I said in a choked-up voice. “I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend to you while you were alive on earth. I’m sorry I judged you, even when I knew that Jesus said not to judge.” I went on and on, telling Tiffany how bad I felt and asking her to forgive me. And finally I stopped crying and just sat there with the sun beating down on my head.

  Now honestly, I don’t know if Tiffany could really hear me or if she even cares about earthly things anymore since I’m sure the glories of heaven are distraction enough. But I guess I just needed to say these things, maybe for my own sake. Besides, I believe that anything’s possible with God, and He could send her a message for me if He wanted to. Then, for the second or third time, I asked God to forgive me and help me move on. And then I did something I’ve never done before, and may never do again. I asked Him to give me some kind of a sign, some sort of assurance, that everything was really okay between me and Tiffany and Him.

  Okay, I don’t know if this was a real sign from God or not, but it felt like it to me. I opened my eyes and looked up just in time to see a small brown sparrow land right on the bouquet of roses by Tiffany’s headstone. The little sparrow just sat there for what must’ve been a full minute, looking at me, and then it flew away. Just like that.

  Well, I thanked God and stood up relieved, thinking how forgiveness is like that. It arrives on the wings of a fragile bird, touches your life, and then moves on. But you feel better because you are made clean and whole and whiter than the roses I got for Tiffany today.

  I prayed for Tiffany’s dad as I rode my bike home. He’s still in the hospital but is expected to make a fairly full recovery. Physically anyway. I’m sure that he’s really hurting on the inside. Everyone in our church has been praying for this poor man. And Willy’s even gone over to visit him a couple of times. Willy used to be a Harley guy too, and I’m guessing that gives them some common ground. I’ve been praying for Willy too, that God will use him to reach Tiffany’s dad. And I believe it will happen.

  SPARROW SONG

  mercy comes

  on sparrow wings

  with a rush

  then off it springs

  heal me, God

  make me new

  fill me with

  what’s good and true

  God’s touch is

  a gentle one

  like
the breeze

  or warmth of sun

  heal me, God

  make me new

  fill me with

  what’s good and true

  cm

  Twenty-Seven

  Thursday, September 29

  Here’s weird. For the past two weeks I’ve been going to school every single day, but Allie and Laura aren’t there. It’s like after months of eating, sleeping, and hanging together 24/7, they’ve been sucked right out of my life. I think I’ve actually been experiencing something akin to culture shock (that’s when you move to a completely different place, like from New York to Nepal).

  But I’m trying to make the best of it, and I’m trying to reach out to the kids around me. And I’ve had some really amazing talks with Kim Peterson. It seems that she’s really questioning some things since Tiffany Knight died.

  “I know it sounds weird to be so affected by this,” she told me today, “especially since I basically couldn’t stand the girl.” She sighed and shook her head sadly. “And I feel pretty bad saying that, but it’s the truth. But ever since Tiffany’s death I can’t help but wonder what happens after we die. And it’s really driving me nuts. I have a hard time sleeping and everything. Do you think I’m going crazy, Chloe?”

  “Not at all. I think God is just trying to get your attention. And it’s a good question, Kim. What DOES happen after we die?”

  She just shook her head. “Usually I’m the one with all the answers. I mean, I’m even supposed to be writing this col—” Then she stopped herself suddenly. “Well, anyway, I’m coming up completely blank on this particular question.”

  So I tried to share with her what I believe as well as what the Bible says about the afterlife, but I can tell she’s going to have to mull these things over herself. Even so, I feel hopeful for her. She has one of the most honest and searching hearts I’ve ever seen, and I am positive that God isn’t going to let her hang out to dry for too long. But I am curious about what mysterious thing she is writing that has to do with questions and God. Maybe someday she’ll tell me. In the meantime, I’m glad that we’re friends. But even so, I miss Allie and Laura.