On the Corner of Love and Hate

by Nina Bocci

  “This lawyer talk is getting old. Just say what it is you’re trying to say and get the hell out of my apartment.”

  She folded her hands behind her back and started circling me. I imagined her in a courtroom, addressing a jury. She would have been brilliant if it hadn’t been so irritating. “I have a job for you both: don’t screw anything up while I’m gone. That includes each other. Hands off. I’m in charge of protecting him. From himself and certainly from you.”

  “Who the fuck do you think you are, Whitney? And where the hell are you going?” I snapped, balling my fists.

  She looked down at them and laughed. “I’m the bitch that’s saving your ass. So keep your little fists to yourself.”

  Whitney pulled out her phone, huffing after she glanced at the screen. “I’ve got a case I’m trying tomorrow in Barreton, so I have to leave Hope Lake for a few hours. I’ll be back tomorrow night.”

  “You can’t leave now,” I said, my voice coming out almost as a whine. Who am I, and what am I saying? Leave, bitch. Don’t let the door hit ya. But that wasn’t right, and I knew it. We needed her here now more than ever. She was the only one who could fix this.

  “What will people think if you leave town so close to this happening? The whole thing will blow up in our faces.”

  Shaking her head, she leveled me with a brutal look. “No, Emma. It’ll blow up in Cooper’s face. Not yours. Listen, you’ve done as much as you could for Cooper. Let me handle the rest. We’ve got this now. I have it all figured out. Your job is to stay the hell away from him.”

  • • •

  AFTER SHE LEFT, I sank onto my couch and clutched a pillow to my face until I fell asleep. I wasn’t sure how long I slept, but a knock at the door jolted me awake. When I blinked and snapped myself out of it, I stumbled to the door, half-expecting to find Whitney there ready to yell at me. Again.

  But instead of Whitney, it was Cooper who stood in the door frame. Wordlessly he closed the door, followed me inside, and pulled a chair close to sit across from where I sat back down.

  “Go away,” I said, pulling my legs underneath myself.

  “I will, but you’re going to listen to me first,” he said, taking my hands in his.

  He cradled them, rubbing his thumbs over my knuckles. It made me so tired—I just wanted to curl up and sleep for a week. I really wanted him to be next to me when I did it.

  Stay the hell away from him.

  “Cooper, I’m really sorry about everything, but I think you should leave. Someone could see—”

  “I don’t care who sees me here. I need you to tell me what happened the other night. No bullshit, no one else is here. This is just two people who know a lot of the other’s shit, and we need to talk it out.”

  Pulling my hands away, I scrubbed them over my face, willing some life into my skin. Everything felt exhausted. “Whitney was right.”

  “And you’re admitting this now?” he asked, his voice shaking. Like the other night, I couldn’t look at him for fear of what I would see.

  I shook my head. “I still don’t know what those feelings are. If they’re even real or just some seed planted by Whitney to cause doubt.”

  Looking down, he let his head fall into his hands. “So you don’t have feelings for me?”

  I smiled, laughing to myself at the absurdity of it all. “Cooper, I have so many feelings for you. About you. With you. That’s the problem.” I shook my head. “What I’m saying is, I don’t actually know what I’m saying. I need to think, to process what the hell is happening in my brain, because right now I’m being pulled in a hundred different directions and it’s making me crazy.

  “Here’s what I do know: I don’t want to ruin our friendship or hateship or whatever the hell our relationship is. I need you to know that. You’re one of the most important people in my life, and I don’t want to risk losing you.”

  He nodded, scooting forward on the chair. “I agree, but know this: I can’t stop thinking about what happened. About why it happened and where we go from here. And if you asked me to, I would do everything from the other night again. And again, until you told me to stop. I’m wagering that both of us wouldn’t want me to stop.”

  “Cooper,” I began, but he lifted a single finger to my lips.

  “Years ago, back in high school, do you remember my New Year’s party?”

  I nodded, having a crystal-clear picture of that night. It was the first year his parents had let us stay and socialize with the adults instead of being relegated to the game room.

  “That was the first time I saw you in a tuxedo,” I said, remembering how struck I had been by how handsome he looked.

  “I had my first glass of champagne that night, and all I wanted to do was kiss you,” he said, his eyes trained on the floor. “I thought about it for weeks. It scared the hell out of me. You had just gotten your braces, and you were nervous about them. You wouldn’t smile so no one would see them, and I hated not seeing you happy. You said you wouldn’t kiss anyone until they were off. Something shifted when you said that. I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing you. I talked to Henry about it and made him promise not to tell you what I was thinking. The day of the party, my mother said she was going to take the last of the Christmas mistletoe down, but I begged her to leave just one up. The one in her office. It was away from everything else. It would have given us a chance to talk. For me to find out if you thought about it, too. I just had to get you in there.”

  My mouth fell open. “I—I didn’t know any of that,” I said, smiling at the memory of Cooper awkward and unsure as a teenager.

  “You finally got me alone in there.” I gave him a sad smile. “I was so nervous that I bit down on your lip and drew blood. I swore I never wanted to kiss anyone else after that. Except you. But—” I added, thinking back to what had happened just after midnight. After we had left the safety of the room, the ball had dropped, and I had watched Cooper laughing as he walked away with another girl. She had pulled him down for a kiss near the fireplace just as the clock struck midnight.

  “That was the first time I hated you.”

  “I screwed up. I didn’t know what she wanted to talk to me about. I was stupid and young and that’s no excuse, but I panicked when she kissed me. I felt an awful lot in that one moment that we were together, and then I wrecked it. You never looked at me the same way after that.”

  He was right. The hopefulness of young love had been gone. “I went from having a crush to being crushed, and I said in that moment that I wouldn’t be hurt by you again. And then . . .”

  “Whitney,” we both muttered, him sounding resigned and me sounding irate.

  “I had thought that maybe with us being in college, we could have a clean slate. Start over or try again,” I said, thinking of my eighteen-year-old self. “But the day I walked in on you two, it was like that night all over again. I never understood why you two were together. It just didn’t make sense to me.”

  “I could keep saying that I’m stupid, but I think you know that by now,” he said. “This sounds bad, but I dated her to get you to pay attention. She pursued me, and it worked out because you two were roommates. We were always friends first, and she knew how I felt about you, but I thought that making you jealous would give me a way in; maybe make you talk to me about us. It was probably one of the dumbest decisions I ever made. As you and I both know, it completely backfired. Then we stopped talking altogether, and I knew no matter what I said, nothing would change how you felt about me.”

  “Maybe so, but I played a part, too. I isolated myself instead of hearing you out or trying to heal our friendship. I blamed you guys for icing me out, but really I was just trying to remove myself so I wouldn’t get hurt. Again.”

  Cooper reached out for the hand that rested on my knee. He pulled away just as his fingertips grazed my skin. He sighed. “There’s so much history between us, Emma. I want to know how we continue on after this. We can’t go back to how things were. We tried that o
nce, and look where we ended up. We can’t just be friends. We need to know what’s next. And I want to try. With you. I’ve been waiting for a chance to try, hoping that it might come.”

  I thought about it, but I couldn’t focus on what I had to. Not with him there in front of me looking hopeful.

  “I need some time to think,” I finally said. “A lot’s happened in the past twenty-four hours.”

  “How much do you need?” he asked.

  There wasn’t anything left but election day and then the party. We were at the final stage of the race, and Whitney was right—I couldn’t get involved now. That would compromise the campaign, and that was one thing I wouldn’t risk.

  “Until the party.”

  He nodded. “I’ll be waiting.”

  • • •

  “WE HAVE TO HAVE a ‘Come to Jesus,’ ” I explained, smothering a laugh at Henry’s bewildered expression.

  “So are we walking to a church?” he teased, taking my arm to link it through his.

  We walked like that for a few blocks. As if he’d sensed that I needed a friend, he’d shown up at my door offering a nonjudging ear the day after the visits from Whitney and Cooper.

  “I don’t think I want to be on the same block as the church when I tell you what’s going on,” I admitted, resting my head on his shoulder.

  “It can’t be worse than the time you stole that car.”

  I chuckled. “Commandeered, and it so is worse than that.”

  When I had been twelve and Henry, Nick, and Cooper all almost thirteen, we had borrowed Cooper’s dad’s car to see if we could drive it.

  It started off just seeing if we could start it. We could.

  Then we had ended up getting pulled over by a state trooper and had all been grounded for a few months. In fact, I was pretty sure that we would still be grounded if it hadn’t been for Cooper’s smooth talking with our parents. Even then he was great with politics and schmoozing.

  Henry and I turned onto Bedelia Lane, my favorite street in the whole town. It was where some of the oldest homes in Hope Lake were located. Beautifully maintained colonials lined the street on both sides. Hearty old paperbark maple trees graced the lawn in front of nearly every house. In the spring, buds would pop out and the thin branches would be full of light pink flowers. In the fall, the deep red and orange leaves made the street look like it was on fire.

  Cooper’s parents’ house was at the very end of the long, winding street. With Clare and Sebastian living in the governor’s mansion in Harrisburg, it was almost always empty, save for a few staff who kept it going for when they returned a few times a year.

  As kids, we’d marveled at the sheer size of the stunning old colonial, which had been in his family for generations. It looked more like a compound than a house for three people. Sitting on top of a small hill was a three-story main house with stark white siding and smoky black shutters. A side building, which had once been a carriage house, served as their ballroom for local functions when the governor was in town.

  The driveway and garages were now packed with white vans with party logos on the doors; servers in black-and-white uniforms milled about the property, finishing up all the details for the party. The Campbells were famous for their parties. On New Year’s Eve—just like the night that Cooper and I had had our first romantic “incident”—everyone got dressed up, including the kids, who ran wild outside and petered out before midnight. Food and drinks overflowed, and people walked home carrying sleeping children, all excited for next year. There was still a party every year, but it had lost some of the magic from when I was younger.

  “Hey, where’d you go?” Henry asked, waving his hand in front of my face. “You went blank there for a second.”

  “Oh, sorry. Lost in thought.”

  The house and its memories always twisted me up inside. I had stopped attending parties there when I was seventeen, either begging off from going on the grounds of having too much homework or leaving the town to head into New York City to celebrate with old friends. My last party there had been the first time I had witnessed Cooper’s unabashed love of women.

  Staring up at the house, I wondered if eventually, someday, Cooper would live there.

  I bit the bullet and asked Henry what he knew. “Have you talked to Cooper lately?”

  He sighed, patting my hand. “I have, and don’t ask me what it was about because I can’t tell you. I promised.”

  “Give me something, Henry.”

  With a deep breath, he came to a stop. Taking my shoulders in his big hands, he said, “He wouldn’t tell me what happened between you, but I know something did. Neither one of you is being honest with yourselves, and I’m afraid that it’s going to ruin your friendship.”

  “It already has, I think,” I agreed, looking up at Henry. His deep blue eyes looked concerned. “There’s something brewing in my gut, and I’m ignoring it. I can’t think about it now, and maybe I never will. Whitney’s here now, and she’ll get him back on track. That’s the focus.”

  Henry said, quite plainly, “You’re a fool and full of it. Cooper, whom I love almost as much as you, is a goddamn idiot, and I could and should kick both your asses for doing this to each other. If you two got your heads out of your collective asses, you would make the perfect pair.”

  “I’m not sure that’ll ever be the case, my friend,” I said, linking my arm back in his. I ignored the flare of hope that sprouted at the thought. I remembered Cooper’s words from dinner with my parents months before. Are you interested? That had been his way of trying. With me.

  “You can’t know unless you try, Ems.”

  Oh, we tried, all right.

  “Let’s say something happened. Then it didn’t work. Where would that leave us? Not just Cooper and me but the four of us? The work we do together would be in jeopardy if feelings were hurt.” If my feelings were hurt.

  “You’re being selfishly insane here. You realize that, right?”

  “I’ve heard something similar to that recently. You’re not the first person to call me crazy when it comes to Cooper Endicott.” I groaned, hating that Whitney had been right not once but twice.

  I loved that he was worried, but it also made me question just how bad this all would be. If Henry, the king of selfless decisions, was questioning my sanity . . . it would likely be worse than I imagined.

  25

  * * *

  I almost forgot to vote.

  Okay, that was not exactly true. I sat in my car watching my polling station, waiting for Cooper to leave so I could go inside. It was the last polling location on his list. I knew that because I’d made the rotation and emailed it to him.

  He called me, texted me, and even sent me an email, but I couldn’t focus on anything but this. It hurt too much to think about.

  Us.

  Two little letters that certainly caused me a lot of pain.

  Maybe he’d thought he’d catch me at this stop and force me to talk to him face-to-face, but I wasn’t about to risk it. He was superstitious and stayed the same amount of time at every polling spot to schmooze the voters.

  It was smart; he was smart. I hoped he’d secured a victory because of it.

  Along with our small group of campaign strategists, there were high school students helping at the voting locations today. I had met with them and their parents over the past few days to coordinate the volunteer efforts. It brought me great joy knowing that they were there because he’d engaged them at the school. Meeting with them made my days without speaking to Cooper a bit brighter. At least it gave me something to focus on.

  Who knew, maybe one of these kids would be mayor someday.

  As I saw Cooper exit, he took one last look around before ducking into his car. Nick was driving and pulled away from the curb. He’d drop Cooper off at home to change for tonight. Either way, there would be a party at the Manor tonight. Whether it would be a celebration or a sad state of affairs was anyone’s guess.

  Before
I knew it, I was in the polling booth. My hand shook as I pushed the buttons to vote for him. I had felt the eyes of the polling workers on me as I entered the building. They were mainly elderly folks who loved politics, volunteering, or the free doughnuts and coffee they got throughout the day to mix in with their gossip session.

  Nancy came in just as I pushed the SUBMIT VOTE button. After checking in, she waited for me to come from around the terminal.

  “All set?” she asked, squeezing my hand. “You look beautiful, by the way.”

  I smiled, looking down at my dress. It was the one I had bought with my mother the day that Cooper and I— I stopped, feeling a flush creep across my exposed shoulders and face. Maybe that’s why I’d worn it to vote. I had scheduled myself down to the minute, checking in with volunteers while finishing up administrative tasks that had been piling up at the office, which had left me no time to go home to change before the party. Besides, I’d known that if I went home, I’d never leave.

  “Thanks, Nance. You’re coming tonight, right?”

  “Wouldn’t miss it,” she said, stepping over to the open terminal. We were two of the last people there.

  Nancy thanked the man setting up her voting terminal. “Hey, I’ve got to vote first, and then I’ll be over. Don’t do anything exciting before I get there, okay?”

  “No promises,” I said, smiling to myself as I walked out to my car.

  • • •

  ON THE WAY OVER to Campbell Manor, I still hadn’t thought about what, if anything, I would say to Cooper when I finally saw him.

  I pulled onto Love Lane, an aptly named street because so many young couples went there to make questionable decisions in its surrounding dense woods. Generations of lovers had carved their initials into the trees over the years, and spending a night there with a special someone was a rite of passage for young people. Myself included.

  It also had the perfect view of the Campbell Manor backyard—not that the word backyard was especially accurate. It was several acres of land that stretched out to the woods behind the house. Now, with the huge line of cars going up to the Manor, it was barely visible. There were a dozen or more cars waiting in front of me for the valet to get through them all.