Legacy: Letters from eminent parents to their daughters

by Menon, Sudha

  Much as it may sound like a discourse, Nandini, there is great inner peace and joy to be gained from sacrificing for our loved ones. Both you and your husband have careers and aspirations of your own, which I am happy about. But let me caution you that if a marriage has to succeed, you will have to sacrifice more than your husband. And now that you are the mother of a child, you have a greater responsibility to shoulder and must have to sacrifice a little bit more than your husband. Believe me, giving is infinitely more satisfying than taking.

  Dear Nandini, I want to remind you of your growing up years and of the support you found in your family in fulfilling all your dreams. When you expressed your desire to go abroad to pursue your undergraduate studies, we gladly sent you off because we believed in you. It was not an easy thing to do for us, though. Fifteen years ago, it was a big thing for a traditional Marwari girl to go out of the country to study, but we respected your need to do it. And when you returned after honing your skills at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, you got a place in the family business earned from your own merit.

  You moved in to steer a significant portion of it. I must say you are doing a sterling job out of it. I believe in letting you learn from your own mistakes just as my father allowed me to do and I am hoping you will let your child explore this world on her own too.

  But I want to tell you that while work has to be an important aspect of your life, what is also important is for you to strive to make a difference in the lives of the people around you with the work that you do. I cannot emphasize the virtue of giving back to the society which made you who you are.

  Nandini, life will have its ups and downs. Suffering is a part of life, but how you face those adversities is what will set you apart from the rest. Strive to tackle your challenges, the hurdles in your life, with equanimity. It is this ability that will shape the person you become and determine the course that your life takes.

  Believe in God because that is what will keep you on the straight path. No matter what your situation in life is, ultimately you have to believe in a higher power who will sort things out for you in times of need. What helped me during the worst phases of my life was my very strong belief that whatever happens, happens for a reason. I really do believe that and surrender myself in the hands of God during such times. I truly believe that this also makes a person stronger and fearless.

  I know that you’re too young to understand most of this, but I am sure that faith and spirituality will come to you as the years pass by and you have seen life the way I have. Faith takes time, but I am confident it will grow as you mature.

  But even if you don’t have as much faith right now, I am glad to see what a high level of integrity and morals you subscribe to, sometimes more than I have been able to adopt myself. You see life in black and white while I am able to see the shades of grey that life’s countless situations bring.

  I am glad you are inherently a good human being, someone who will not intentionally harm anyone and someone who will not do something if she is not convinced whether it is the right thing to do.

  As you go along the journey of life, I can’t underline enough for you the value of nurturing compassion as a virtue. Have compassion towards the people around you and don’t judge them at face value—there are so many reasons behind why people behave the way they do or become who they are. Who are we to judge them?

  I believe, too, that each of us has to have the courage to do what we think is right at each stage of our life.

  I have always believed in the power of gratitude. Dear Nandini, I want you to be grateful for everything God has given you. A grateful person is a happy person. I am grateful for what my God, my family, my children, and my friends do for me. I have experienced the peace that comes from being grateful. Gratitude also makes us humble. Nandini, you have a lot of things—great wealth, great education—so you have every reason not to be humble. It is important to remember, then, to be grateful and humble and also to remember that there is a reason why you were born in this family. You could be one of the hundred thousand others in this city. Be grateful for the parents you have, your husband, your little child, for your family, and your friends. Gratitude and humility are virtues mentioned even in our scriptures which say that to be a true devotee, you have to be humble.

  I know many of these things sound too idealistic—stuff that newspapers and books will often preach about—but these are the truths that help you along the way as a young wife, mother, professional, and a member of a larger community.

  Often times I am asked about my own attitude towards wealth and what I taught my own children about it. I taught you that wealth is not something to be ashamed of or to keep away from. You are a trustee of the wealth given to you by your parents and by the Lord. Don’t hoard your wealth. Instead, live the life you want with the wealth you have been blessed with, but also make it beneficial for the good of the larger community. Share your prosperity. That is what I learnt while growing up and that is what I am confident you will do too. I am joyous when I see how involved you are in the various projects that we run in Rajasthan to provide good quality education, clean drinking water, healthcare, and employment for women.

  Nandini, I know how much you enjoy your work; but while following your career, also give your family more of yourself along the way. The role of a spouse is to bring balance to the relationship. It also means respect for your partner. I respect what your mother does and I have the self-confidence to take pride in her achievements. A marriage is not about proving to be better than your partner. If your husband’s work takes him to another country, I would wish for you to follow him. Your child and your husband should take precedence in this phase of your life.

  Now that you are a mother, I want to tell you about the power of sacrificing for your children. There is really no substitute for devoting time to your children. If you want to bring them up as good human beings, set an example for them by living the life that you want them to follow and, above all, loving them unconditionally. I have always lived my life keeping in mind one seminal principle: Do only those things that make my children proud of me and avoid the stuff that will make them hang their heads in shame. Gangsters and underworld dons wield enormous power and have loads of money but I can guarantee you, their children are not proud of them.

  As a young man, I gave time to my family and I continue to do so today. You know I’m not too fond of partying and my best moments are the ones I spend in the company of my loved ones. Nandini, our time on this earth is limited, so learn to prioritize and organize your days in order to maximize that time. Twenty-four hours is sufficient time and if you organize things properly, there is a lot you can get done within this time. Technology has made it easier for a lot more to be achieved in the same number of hours. I am able to do so much more with my time today than I could, thirty years ago.

  Nandini, as I grow older, what gives me immense joy is spending time with myself and introspecting.

  I never think ahead. I believe that if you just keep on doing the right thing, the results of your labour will follow soon after. You cannot control the results, but you can control what you are doing. It is your actions that will determine the results.

  Let me end with my favourite lines here. There is a reason why these have become my personal favourite and our corporate credo.

  You are what your deep, driving desire is

  As your desire is, so is your will

  As your will is, so is your deed

  As your deed is, so is your destiny

  (Taken from the Brihadaranyaka Upanishad)

  Love,

  Papa

  Amit Chandra

  mit Chandra, Managing Director of Bain Capital Advisors, a leading global private investment firm in India, hailed from a middle-class family which did not have any disposable income. But he is today involved in philanthropic activities, in a country where charity as a way of life is yet to catch on.

  Chandra, one of corporate India’s
head honchos, tasted success at a relatively young age, heading DSP Merrill Lynch in his early thirties. And yet, he felt a void in his life that left him restless and unfulfilled. It was then that he turned to Vipassana, an ancient Buddhist form of meditation, to figure out what was missing.

  When he emerged from the period of silence that Vipassana requires of its practitioners, he had the answer: he wanted to do more for the community around him and give back from the riches that he had gathered on the journey to the top echelons of corporate life. Chandra is today a patron and a member of the board of several of India’s most effective and well-known NGOs, doing remarkable work in the field of education for the underprivileged and for children with special needs, such as The Akanksha Foundation schools in Mumbai and Pune, The Research Society for the Care, Treatment and Training of Children in Need of Special Care, the Jai Vakeel School for the Mentally Challenged, Give India, the YMCA Boys’ Home and Vocational Training Centre in Andheri, and the Tata Medical Centre and Cancer Patients Aid Association in Kolkata.

  A young Chandra learnt the merit of sharing one’s resources at a very young age from his mother who ran a very frugal household and gave her limited resources to the needy ones in their community. A family of academicians—his uncle was the head of the National Council for Educational Research and Training (NCERT) and his brother-in-law, Nitin Nohria, is currently the Dean of Harvard Business School—they also believed in sharing knowledge. Both he and his sister taught the domestic help in the family the basics of literacy from their childhood years.

  Chandra is inspired by the story of Chuck Feeney, the American billionaire, also called the James Bond of philanthropy, who wrote away his untold wealth to aid a range of social initiatives. And Chandra walks the talk. A couple of years ago, he and his wife Archana, a willing partner to him in various social initiatives, wrote away the bulk of their vast personal wealth to various causes close to their heart.

  ‘I believe that wealth is an incredible tool and a godsend blessing. When used productively, it can bring long-lasting joy and true happiness; but when misused, or accumulated without purpose, it can become a disease that destroys families and relationships.’ Such Chandra writes in this bittersweet note to his daughter, Anika.

  My dearest Anna,

  I know that at the time of my writing this letter to you, you are too young to understand some of what I want to convey. But this is a letter that I want you to read when you are a young woman, when you start witnessing the uncertainties of life, facing the breadth of right and wrong, and start seeking meaning in some of it, defining the purpose of your own life in the process. I want to start by telling you that even though every child is special to her parents, you are more than special to us. You came to us, with the blessings of God, after your mother and I had almost given up the hope of ever having a child of our own. Every time your mother suffered a miscarriage, it was not just the emotional and physical pain that she went through that affected us, but more the thought that both us love children so much and therefore really wanted to have one of our own! You came to us in the eleventh year of our marriage, and I can’t fully express how your coming into our lives has changed our world for the better.

  Each day that you show me a new skill that you mastered, or tell me about something new that you learnt in some class, or share with us some experience you had with a friend, is an incredible feeling. At times I am amazed at how quickly you are growing, sometimes I just get lost in the joy or concern of your own experience, and often your experience takes me back to my own days as a little kid. Your wonderment at the simple things in life fills our lives with joy, and I hope and pray that this ability to keep life uncomplicated and enjoy happiness through simple things stays with you throughout.

  Anna, you are just over 7-years-old but you don’t know the impact you have already had on our family. Each one of us—your mother, your two grandmothers, and I—are touched by your unbound enthusiasm for things, your mischievous streak, your unquenchable curiosity, your sense of humour, and your somewhat calm nature. Someday, I hope to also learn from you the ability to be relatively more disciplined and dogged when not playing to one’s strengths, skills that I have struggled to adopt in my everyday life! For example, your passion for gymnastics and the determination to do well at it amazes me. What you lack in a sportsperson’s physique, thanks to your parents’ genes, you make up with your determination and effort. Most people play to their strengths, probably taught to do so as kids. However, life is about facing many situations, and often one has to play to one’s weakness, so this trait is truly a great asset to have. I have no doubt that determination is central to making things happen, even when faced with the biggest odds.

  Anna, every parent wants the best for their children. However, the pushes and pulls of day-to-day life often prevent them from fully imparting the knowledge they have gained from a life filled with experiences. Writing this letter to you is therefore an incredible opportunity for me to think hard and pen everything that I have wanted to impart to you, to tell you what I think is important for you to know in the long run.

  From my own experience, and from looking at people around me, I have come to believe that life should be about two things—first, a quest for true happiness, and second, a journey to make a positive impact, both upon yourself, and the society at large. Often we end up confusing our objectives and chase things that we think will eventually get us one of these two, but in doing so, we lose track of the real objectives. We get obsessed with our jobs, in the pursuit of something material, certain relationships, or some challenging situation, as a result of which life gets into a rut, becomes very one-dimensional, or pushes one to despair. I can tell you, with confidence, that it is important to pause and frequently ask ourselves if we have either truly made ourselves happy, or done something positive for our loved ones, and more importantly, if we are contributing to somehow making the world a better place than what we see before us.

  Dear Anna, I see that as a little girl you are already doing this in your own small way by being happy with simple things of life, and lighting up the lives of your parents and grandparents with the way you spread joy and affection. I hope and pray that you will continue to find ways to do so for the rest of your life. I am asked occasionally what my wishes are for you and I always say that what I really want for you is to be happy and spread happiness around. Everything else is secondary, for what’s the use of success or wealth or fame if you are not at peace with yourself and not making a positive impact upon those around you?

  Let me now tell you about what has shaped these beliefs and learning in my life. Anna, for the many years before you were born, I worked very hard and without any sense of balance. I have come to learn that lack of balance can lead to some form of success, but in a very one-dimensional manner, and unless appropriately balanced, it can be at the expense of long-term happiness. I was fortunate that before I was even 35-years-old, I was running nearly all of DSP Merrill Lynch, which at that time was India’s leading investment bank, so fame and fortune came to me somewhat early in life. However, towards the end of my thirteenth year with the firm, I realized that despite having everything most would aspire for, there was something missing in my life.

  I spent a long time trying to figure out what was missing in my life and took some time off to go to a Vipassana camp. Sometimes, the realization comes to you a little late because once you start leading your life a particular way, it’s really tough to bring in significant changes. Vipassana helped me enormously. Honestly, I didn’t learn the meditation technique at the camp, but the mandatory silence at the camp gave me eleven days with myself, helping me seek answers to the many questions I had about the purpose of my life and how I wanted to lead it.

  I reflected then and continue to reflect now on what was missing, and I want to share with you what I have learnt. Firstly, Anna, while I gained a lot, I also paid a big price for that lack of balance in many parts of my life. If I was able to turn back the
clock, I would lead a more balanced life, even if it would mean not having had the same degree of success or even if that success had taken longer to come. But I am convinced it would have been a more enjoyable, more durable journey in the long run.

  Back home, with a clearer picture of the life I wanted, I decided to give up my job at DSP Merrill Lynch right at the peak of my career. I could have easily continued there or I could have gone on to manage a larger company, or earn more fame and fortune, but that wasn’t all what I wanted to do. In fact, I figured that my job was taking away a lot of flexibility from what I really wanted to do with my life. I felt that I needed to course-correct my life, before it was too late in terms of choosing a new career that would be more intellectually stimulating, but would give me more flexibility with how I wanted to spend my time with myself, and on things outside the work place.

  You mother understands the need for balance in life and I envy her ability to lead her life with a sense of balance. It is my hope that you will learn from my mistakes, and also inherit this ability from her so that you have a better life.

  Dear Anna, please don’t misunderstand what I am saying. While I fervently hope that you cultivate a sense of balance in life as early as possible, I hope that it does not happen at the cost of drive and intensity in your chosen calling. I just hope that while doing so, you will balance your career pursuits with your responsibility, to yourself from a health perspective or with your relationships, and to society more broadly.

  Sometimes I look at your mother and feel envious of how she has struck what I feel is the right balance—one which works for her, for her family, and for the society at large. It is not easy working in the not-for-profit space. Your mother chose to work with an NGO that serves mentally challenged children. It is tough to be inspired to serve a section of society when you have never been impacted by the cause directly or indirectly. It is a struggle, but with some smart time management, flexi- timings, working from home, and leveraging the power of the cell phone, your mama makes sure that she does her best for this cause but is still always there for you and the family at every point. And while doing all this, she finds time for her exercise, meditation, and pranic healing practice, which she believes is critical to her own physical and spiritual well-being. Your mother does sometimes wonder if she is being productive to the best of her abilities, but doesn’t fully appreciate how I love the balance she has found in her life.