The Life You Want

by Greene, Bob; Kearney-Cooke Ph. D, Ann; Janis Jibrin

  Happiness involves recognizing all the areas of your life that are important to you—not just your eating or fitness routine—and actively working on improving them to the best of your ability each day. If it helps, you can write down all the factors that are essential to a happy, fulfilled life, and then mark down those that are doing well and those that may be falling short of your expectations, so you know what you need to work on. The simple act of paying attention to your needs and nurturing yourself (and others) is a powerful source of joy, fulfillment, and happiness. And when you’re able to derive a sense of pleasure from caring for yourself and taking small steps toward improving your life, you’ll find that good health and happiness come more easily.

  Another mistake people can make when it comes to happiness is thinking of it as a black-or-white issue. It’s not like you’re going to reach a point in your life where suddenly you think, Wow, I’m happy! Rather, as you work toward achieving goals in life—whether they’re losing weight, exercising, eating healthfully, or developing positive relationships with others—you have to be able to take pleasure from the process. If you don’t find sources of pleasure and joy along the way, one of two things typically happen. Either you’ll lose the motivation to continue on your healthier path or you’ll achieve your goals but struggle to maintain them.

  And of course, when you’re feeling happy, satisfied, and fulfilled as you work toward any type of goal, you’ll have more energy and motivation, which makes continuing to make these lifestyle changes easier. On the other hand, nothing can drain your energy and kill motivation like feeling down or blue, being in a persistent funk, or experiencing clinical depression. Prolonged feelings of sadness, depression, and/or lethargy can also lead to a relapse in people who have successfully maintained significant weight loss for years. That’s why in this chapter, I’ll be sharing information taken from research studies and from my experience working with clients on how to live a happy, more satisfying life.

  THE HISTORY OF HAPPINESS

  Happiness is not some elusive feeling or unattainable goal. Thanks to real, scientific data, we now know what makes people happy in general, and how you can use your talents and strengths to achieve happiness in your own life. The field of positive psychology was born in the late 1990s, when psychologist Martin Seligman encouraged his colleagues to begin researching mental wellness with the same scientific vigor they’d long used to study mental illness. The focus was to learn how to make life more fulfilling and increase well-being. At the same time, the field of neurobiology emerged and provided more clues as to what makes people happy. Research using MRI and PET (positron-emission topography) scans has taught us a great deal about the brain states that underlie positive moods and how we can influence the brain through mental interventions.

  It didn’t take long for the interest in happiness to make the jump from the lab to the general public. In 2000 only fifty books on the topic of happiness were published; in 2008 the number jumped to four thousand. Positive psychology workshops began popping up across the country. Currently, one of the most popular classes at many universities focuses on findings from positive psychologists about how to live a happy life. Even the Dalai Lama has written about the importance of happiness; two of his books on the subject were released in the 1990s; the third one came out in 2009. The main argument of these books is that the purpose of life is to be happy. He asserts that happiness is not a hobby or trivial pursuit, it is a basic, fundamental human drive.

  It might seem odd to lump happiness in there with other basic needs, such as food and water. After all, happiness is somewhat vague and subjective; what makes one person happy might not necessarily work for another. But there are some criteria when it comes to determining what makes people happy and why. In my work, I’ve come to understand happiness as the point at which you can handle the ups and downs of life without becoming too attached to the good or victimized by the bad—when you can keep an open heart, be compassionate toward others, live in the moment, and be fully present as you carry out your day-to-day activities. You are happiest when you feel that your life is purposeful and that it makes a difference—be it in the life of your child or in the world at large. Finally, creating a life that is full of activities that are surprising, dynamic, and fun contributes significantly to happiness.

  THE SCIENCE OF HAPPINESS

  Studies looking into happiness have uncovered a number of interesting findings, including:

  Whether you win the lottery or become paralyzed by a spinal cord injury, you will tend to be, on average, no more or less happy a year later. Despite the occurrence of positive or negative life events, people generally return to their baseline levels of happiness relatively quickly.

  Can money buy happiness? Research shows that having enough money is crucial to happiness. Financial stress can stand in the way of enjoying life; having enough money to alleviate this stress can go a long way toward increasing your happiness. However, more isn’t necessarily better. After your basic needs are met (food, shelter, safety) and you have a little left over as a cushion, extra material wealth has little to no effect on life satisfaction or happiness.

  Age seems to bring not only wisdom but happiness, too. Older people are more satisfied with their lives than younger people. A recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that people in their early twenties are sad for an average of 3.4 days per month as opposed to just 2.3 days per month for people ages sixty-five to seventy-four. Freed from child rearing and the stress of building and maintaining a career, older adults have more time to pursue their own interests. Not to mention, as you age, you gain wisdom, perspective, and emotional intelligence, all of which can help you deal with life’s challenges and stresses more efficiently.

  Want to be happier? Say “I do.” People in steady relationships are generally happier than those who are single. Healthy romantic relationships provide elements that contribute to happiness, such as companionship, support, security, intimacy, and self-growth.

  HAPPINESS HOW-TO

  What makes one person happier than another? Believe it or not, it may have as much or more to do with genetics than your current life status. There are three primary factors that determine how happy a person is, according to happiness researcher Sonja lyubomirsky, PhD. Her research indicates that 50 percent of individual differences are genetic. Studies of identical twins suggest the blueprint for happiness is in our genes, so if you come from a family that tends to be more happy and cheerful, you probably will be, too. How we think and what we do—our actions and behaviors as well as our outlook—account for 40 percent of individual differences. And only 10 percent can be attributed to a person’s life circumstances, such as where you live or what your job is.

  A study from the Journal of Happiness Studies supports her research: The study’s authors asked people to report various acts of recent positive changes in their activities (such as starting a new fitness program) versus positive changes in their circumstances (such as moving to a nicer house). The researchers discovered that activity-based changes accurately predicted well-being both six and twelve weeks after the start of the study. Circumstance-based change predicted well-being only at six weeks. It appears that by the twelfth week, individuals had already adapted to their circumstantial changes, while the benefits of their activity-based changes continued to contribute to greater contentment. The take-home message: What matters more in terms of happiness are the small decisions you make each day. The bigger things—your life circumstances, which are often harder to change—have a fleeting and less significant effect.

  That also means that even if you got shortchanged in the genetic lottery, there’s still a lot you can do to live a happier life. In fact, a full 40 percent of your capacity for happiness is completely in your hands. It’s those everyday decisions you make that can infuse your life with more happiness and joy. So what kind of choices do you need to make to increase feelings of satisfaction and well-being in your life? Use t
he plan below to live a happier, more purposeful life.

  YOUR PLAN FOR INCREASING HAPPINESS

  Maintain Healthy Relationships

  Connecting with others by engaging in healthy relationships is one of the most important sources of happiness. Relationships strengthen the belief that you’re not alone, no matter how difficult your life is. The ability to work with and lean on others during tough times and to celebrate important, positive life transitions is crucial for living with vitality and joy.

  Most of us have been seduced by the American dream that anyone can get rich and that riches reap happiness. However, obtaining material possessions often requires working long hours, which translates into lost time with family and friends. Initially, the material rewards can be exciting and gratifying—but these feelings deteriorate over time. Think about the first time you got a new car or bought a house. It was an exhilarating and joyful experience. But as time passed, the adrenaline wore off, and you returned to your normal state. In fact, you might have ended up feeling worse: depleted and stressed because paying off this purchase likely lasted much longer than the happiness associated with buying it. Remember, very few material possessions improve with age. A new house does not stay new for long before trips to Home Depot and calls to repairmen become more frequent. And a car starts to lose its value the second you drive it off the lot.

  On the other hand, researchers have found that satisfaction with interpersonal experiences tends to increase over time; relationships with people simply have more enduring value. A family reunion with relatives of all ages enjoying meals together, sharing rich stories of the past and present, and celebrating the family’s new additions can live on as a source of joy for years to come—much longer than that pricey car or costly home.

  So take a look at your social connections with friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, and groups. Some of these relationships may not qualify as healthy and therefore will not be consistent sources of happiness and fulfillment—in fact, they can significantly detract from your happiness and fulfillment. Healthy relationships are based on trust, honesty, equality, good communication, and separate identities. You feel as comfortable doing things to nurture and care for yourself as you would doing these things for your partner. You feel accepted for who you are and have the freedom to be close to others outside the relationship. You are close but separate, have your privacy, and can say no without fear of abandonment or hostility.

  Of course, there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. We all enter relationships with our own emotional baggage and unfinished business from the past. Feelings of disappointment, fear, and sadness can be part of any relationship at some point. But when your relationship is more about discomfort, fear, and pain than about mutual respect and growth, you need to take action. If you feel a particular relationship is causing you more pain than joy, it’s important to voice your concerns and be specific about what your friend or partner is doing that’s making you unhappy. You must be clear about what has to change and what you’re willing to negotiate to be more satisfied in the relationship. In some cases, you may need a professional, such as a therapist, to help you make the necessary changes to get your relationship back on track.

  If the other person is not willing to work on improving the relationship, you may need to consider ending it. You shouldn’t stay in a toxic relationship because you fear being alone, feel guilty about ending it, or dislike confrontation. This will only increase your risk for engaging in unhealthy behaviors, such as drinking too much, eating too much, or spending too much to “get through it.”

  As for the relationships that are going well, make sure that you’re deliberate about taking time to be with these people, even if that means leaving work early or putting off household chores. It’s usually more meaningful to share a meal, go to a movie, or watch a sunset with others than to experience it by yourself. Common sense and research show that the pursuit of happiness through healthy connections with others is critical for sustained well-being.

  Be Kind to Others

  Mark Twain once said, “The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” Experts have found that kindness results in a surge of dopamine, the brain chemical that’s involved in reward, which helps you feel good. Emory University researchers discovered that helping others triggers the same areas of the brain that turn on when people receive rewards or experience pleasure. The bottom line: Helping others brings the same pleasure we get from gratification of personal desire.

  Fortunately, there are so many opportunities in everyday life to be kind, you don’t have to work very hard to find them. Often, we think we have to do something dramatic to make a difference in the life of another person, but even the smallest acts of kindness can go a long way toward making you feel good, too. For instance, you can donate clothes to the Salvation Army, volunteer at a soup kitchen, or give money or time to charity. And don’t forget the value of being kind to those you interact with every day. Holding the door for someone who lives in your apartment building, giving up that prime parking spot to a mom who has a car full of young kids, even smiling at or saying hello to people you pass in the lobby on the way up to the office are all great opportunities to be considerate of others.

  I had the following experiences a short time ago that demonstrated the magic of kindness and compassion toward others. I was standing in the checkout lane at the grocery store. It was snowing outside, and the woman in front of me was holding a young baby and searching through her purse to find her wallet to pay for milk and bread. She couldn’t find it and said she would go home and get it. Remembering what it was like as a young mother—I always seemed to leave something behind when I went shopping with kids—I paid for her two items. She was thankful, and I felt good. And acts of kindness only seem to breed more kindness. Case in point: The next day, I was standing in the checkout line at a department store, and the woman behind me had an extra coupon for 30 percent off all purchases. When the cashier asked if I had any coupons, the woman behind me said, “You can use this.” I used it and saved sixty dollars! I thanked her, and I could tell she felt good about helping me. Both giving and receiving left me feeling good, lifted my mood, and helped me feel more hopeful and connected to others.

  Set Meaningful Goals

  Most of us are busy with the demands of our daily lives and forget to stop, take a break, and look at the larger picture: What are my values? Does the way I spend my time reflect what’s most important to me? What do I hope to accomplish in my life? Unfortunately, sometimes it takes an extraordinary event, such as a life-threatening illness or the loss of a loved one, to focus our attention on the meaning of life.

  I urge you not to wait for these types of moments to set meaningful goals for yourself, but to make this a normal part of your everyday life. And more important, I encourage you to try to enjoy the day-to-day process of reaching them.

  MORE THAN “JUST A MOM”

  Shannon Walker, a thirty-three-year-old stay-at-home mother, sought treatment because she gained 45 pounds with her third child, had gestational diabetes during her pregnancy, and couldn’t find the energy to exercise and eat healthfully to get back to her prepregnancy weight.

  After the birth of her first daughter, Shannon had made the decision to leave work and stay home to raise her children. Shannon’s own mother had a successful career in real estate and was never home when Shannon was growing up. She had missed her mother as a child and did not feel connected to her as an adult. Because of this, she really wanted to spend time with her children when they were young. But now, despite being happily married with three healthy kids, and active at their schools and in the community, she felt down and was increasingly gaining weight. She felt inferior to her neighbors, most of whom worked outside the home.

  In her first session, she told me, “I don’t work. I’m just a stay-at-home mom.” I challenged her statement that she didn’t work. Most mothers work 24/7 taking care of their families. I encourage
d her to write about why she wanted to be home with her kids and her goals as a mother. I asked her to tell me each week how she was reaching these goals. For instance, she had potty trained her son and enabled her oldest daughter to complete her homework by herself, she wrote the monthly issue of the PTA newsletter, and so on.

  Eventually Shannon began to recognize all the things she did as a mother and felt proud. She realized that she no longer needed to compare herself with others, and that accepting and appreciating her life as it was made her happy. Her choice to stay home reflected her most important values, and she learned to honor all of the good she did for her family. As her mood lifted, she started walking again each morning and eating healthfully, and the weight started to come off.

  What qualifies as a meaningful goal? It depends on the individual, but, in general the goal must be important to you, engage your strengths and talents, and contribute to a higher purpose. Setting a goal that may be important to someone else—say your spouse or a friend—but holds little value to you won’t help. Internally motivated and directed goals allow you to focus your time and energy productively. For example, you may decide to go back to college to get your teaching degree during midlife. You’re not making this decision because your spouse is embarrassed by your lack of a college degree; rather, you’ve always wanted to be a teacher, your children are all grown up, and you now have the time and money to go back to school. You will probably be a great student, working hard and persevering through the tough classes, because getting your degree and becoming a teacher is important to you.