The Life You Want

by Greene, Bob; Kearney-Cooke Ph. D, Ann; Janis Jibrin

  The same guidelines that work for setting a weight loss or exercise goal also apply to setting life goals. That is, your goals should be practical and attainable. And they should fit your talents. Otherwise your chances of success are limited. For example, setting a goal to open your own restaurant when you don’t have money or practical skills isn’t feasible: it’ll likely lead to more frustration than satisfaction. On the other hand, working hard to achieve something that plays to your strengths and is important to you—something that reflects your true self and the source of your true passions—leads to personal satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment.

  Forgive and Let Go

  Is a lot of your energy focused on anger and resentment about things that happened in the past? Are you unhappy most of the time because your bitterness and hostility take up too much space in your psyche? Do these negative feelings interfere with your ability to enjoy your current blessings? Do you at times overeat to numb these feelings?

  The simple fact is that life isn’t fair. Every one of us must deal with life’s trials and tribulations, even if you feel that you’ve been unfairly victimized, mistreated, abused, or neglected by others in the past. Your husband may have had an affair, your father may have been an alcoholic, you may have lost your mother at an early age, or a friend may have betrayed your trust—any number of things can hurt or damage you. You can let yourself get stuck in those feelings by overeating or drinking too much, by sitting in front of the TV for hours at a time, or by acting out in a number of other ways. But refusing to address or resolve the source of pain, to expel the ache, and to allow for needed healing only deepens those negative emotions.

  MAKING PEACE WITH AN

  ALCOHOLIC MOTHER

  Beth Levy, a thirty-five-year-old single woman who worked at a popular local restaurant, sought treatment for binge eating. She tended to eat healthfully all day, but she would binge when she was alone at night, especially after a shift at work.

  Beth shared that she had been raised by an alcoholic mother who functioned well during the day but drank all evening. Beth often felt “trapped” by her mother, who would become sloppy as she got increasingly intoxicated. For instance, as a teenager, Beth frequently feared that her mother, who also smoked, would drop a cigarette while drunk, start a fire, and burn down the house. So Beth begrudgingly listened to her drunken mother talk about the same things night after night until she fell asleep, when Beth could be sure they were safe.

  As an adult, Beth moved hundreds of miles away from her mother and rarely spoke to her. After better understanding how her mother’s alcoholism had affected her, Beth realized the role her mother played in her problems, including overeating and a fear of intimacy. During treatment, Beth began to take control of her bingeing, but she still wasn’t able to let go of her anger and allow others to get close to her—and I knew things wouldn’t change for her until she forgave her mother.

  Beth and I planned to call her mother together during several of our therapy sessions. During these conference calls, Beth was able to share with her mother the ways in which her mother’s drinking had affected her ability to develop close relationships with friends, and had triggered sleep problems and an eating disorder. Her mother revealed how sad and regretful she was that she’d done to Beth what she had vowed to never do: drink too much as a mother, just as her own mother had done. They talked about the similarities in their behaviors and the ways they could support each other in recovery. They agreed to talk once a week on Sunday evenings.

  Beth eventually forgave her mother, and realized that her mother—a single parent and the daughter of an alcoholic mother herself—had done the best that she could. Although her mother did not make as much progress as Beth did, they remain connected through weekly phone calls. Forgiving her mother freed up Beth’s energy to pursue healthier, more meaningful connections with others.

  If you have let yourself get hung up on a past hurt, ask yourself: Is it painful to be stuck in this way? Is your overeating and unhappiness a result of an unresolved emotional wound? Are you perpetuating the damage by self-inflicted maltreatment? And this is crucial: At the end of the day, who is hurting? Most likely, you are, not the person who mistreated you. To be truly happy, you’re going to have to work to get past the hurt, bitterness, and hostility. Allow yourself to be free of the past and enjoy the present. Forgiving and letting go benefits you at least as much as—and typically more than—everyone else.

  Develop an Attitude of Gratitude

  Learning to appreciate yourself and others is a key to a happier life. You can enjoy a heightened sense of well-being by noticing and being thankful for the blessings of everyday life—both big, such as the health of your children or the beauty of nature, and small, like the wagging tail of your beloved pet.

  You develop an attitude of gratitude when you stay focused on the good things that can easily be forgotten in the business of day-to-day living. You remember to acknowledge what you have instead of what you don’t. You realize that most of the positive things in your life are the ones that are consistent, such as a healthy family and friends, while the negatives usually come and go.

  If you’ve struggled to see the bright side of situations and to be grateful for the good things in your life, it can help to keep a gratitude journal or write a gratitude letter. Try one or both of the following exercises to learn how to better recognize and appreciate the positives in your life.

  Keep a Gratitude Journal: Write down two things that you are grateful for each day. It’s okay to repeat yourself from one day to the next. For example, you might write that you are thankful for your job and your pets every day. Or you might find different things to write about: Perhaps you feel grateful after a terrific concert and when your kids made you a great birthday card. It’s so important to invest in yourself by looking at all the small things that are a source of happiness each day, and that’s the whole point of this exercise: Keeping track and being mindful of daily gratitudes will help you feel better about yourself and your life.

  Write a Gratitude Letter: Think of someone in your life who has been especially kind or nurturing to you—someone who played an important role in your life. It could be a parent, professor, coach, or friend. Write this person a letter, be specific about how he or she helped, and express your thanks for the support. You can mail it and call to talk to the person after he or she receives it. Or the two of you can meet, and you can read the letter in person. You will feel great, and the receiver of the letter will be full of joy!

  Make Time for Pleasurable Activities

  Spending my professional career helping individuals overcome eating disorders has taught me many important lessons, and one that has always stuck with me is that you don’t have to live a lifestyle based on deprivation to be healthy. People are inherently sensory, pleasure-seeking beings who need a certain amount of satisfaction in their lives to survive. (We discussed this in detail earlier in the book.) From infancy, we love the taste of sweet and dislike the taste of bitter. When pleasure sources are lacking, eating high-calorie, tasty foods can become a person’s alternative means of enjoyment, but that can lead to obvious problems.

  The brain is networked with what scientists call reward pathways and reward centers, as we’ve described earlier in the book. When we engage in stimulating activities that we experience as pleasurable—whether that be a delicious pizza, beautiful music, or a loving touch—these pathways trigger the release of endorphins, a type of neurotransmitter associated with positive emotion. The proper balance and interaction of these substances help to create the biochemical and psychosocial conditions that support well-being and help counter the effects of stress.

  But when you don’t have enough healthy sources of pleasure in your daily life, you don’t experience a cascade of positive neurochemicals, thus resulting in a “reward deficiency,” which in turn may trigger a state of depression or anxiety. These negative states may make you more inclined to seek out self-comforting and
pain-avoidant behaviors, potentially leading to harmful addictions, cravings, and compulsions.

  THE PLEASURE OF PIZZA

  Eddy Tortora, a forty-two-year-old construction worker who struggled with obesity for most of his life, grew up in an Italian household where food took center stage. He talked about how his family celebrated, mourned, and rewarded with food. Coming from an impoverished immigrant family, food was a gratifying resource—and the glue that held the family together. He described the pleasure that eating pizza gave him, even though he knew that eating this way led to weight gain.

  “There is nothing like New York–style pizza after an exhausting day of work,” he says. “I go to my favorite pizza joint, order mine with pepperoni, and sit in anticipation of my favorite food. I can’t wait to munch on the thick crust flavored with garlic and herb seasonings, sweet tomato sauce, and extra mozzarella cheese with a hint of provolone. I’d rather enjoy a pizza over anything else.” In fact, Eddy’s love of pizza began to rule his life, so much that it took the place of other pleasurable experiences, like going out with friends. I worked with Eddy to help him realize the trouble his affinity for pizza could cause him if he didn’t make a change. And we also worked on coming up with a list of other enjoyable activities he could engage in whenever he was tempted to turn to pizza.

  Unfortunately, many people simply don’t make the time for pleasurable activities. The foundation of our country was built upon Puritan religious principles, which associate pleasure with sin and equate virtue with self-denial. Even today, many people feel guilty about devoting attention and energy to pleasurable pursuits and consider them a waste of time or selfish and shallow. Instead we feel we are valuable only when we are productive, multitasking, and busy every minute. With all the new technology, we are more productive but less joyful and connected with others. Many people are pushing themselves constantly and are wound up so tightly that they cannot let go and have fun.

  All this pressure—pushing ourselves at home and work—whether to just get by or to pursue a higher level of success, can lead to cravings for short-term pleasure as a distraction and reward. That’s why it’s important to make healthy, pleasurable activities an everyday habit.

  Pleasure File There are countless ways to stimulate the brain’s pleasure centers. That’s a good enough reason as any to go out and try something new. Leaving your comfort zone can be exciting and joyful, and it’s also a great way to meet new people, which can further increase happiness. Of course, you don’t have to do something new or different—you could always return to activities you haven’t tried in a while. Figure out what pleasures and passions you want to pursue using the questions below.

  1. What did you enjoy doing when you were younger? Did you like to read, paint, play the drums, hike, dance, listen to music, hang out with friends? Often the things that gave you pleasure as a child can offer clues about what you might enjoy now as an adult. So if you liked music when you were younger, you could look into taking piano or guitar lessons now. Or perhaps you could buy season tickets to the symphony or a nearby concert hall. If hiking was one of your favorite pastimes, get out there and find some nearby hiking trails.

  2. What do you wish you had more time to do? Shop antique stores, read best sellers, travel, learn aromatherapy, play with your grandchildren, fall asleep on a hammock, and so on? How can you carve out time each day to engage in one of these activities? Look at your schedule and set aside some time each day to take a step closer to making these dreams become reality.

  3. Which activities so fully engage you that you lose track of time (crafting, doing yoga, making love)? Activities that require your complete attention challenge and stimulate you, but they also allow you to make satisfying progress even if the goal isn’t particularly important. Examples include writing in your journal, gardening, gazing at the sunset while listening to beautiful music. Create a list of activities that fit this description.

  4. Keep track of your favorite daily moments, describing in a journal the pleasure they bring you. Be specific, and focus on your five senses. For example: walking outside and feeling the warmth of the spring sun, watching your favorite sports team play, going out dancing with friends, meditating before going to work, sending a card to a friend whose mother is ill, smelling flowers or fresh-brewed coffee, listening to your favorite music, enjoying the radiant smile of a loved one. Make sure to focus on how the specific activity makes you feel and highlight the ones that bring you the most happiness.

  5. Who or what makes you smile or laugh on a regular basis? Your children, favorite TV show or comedian, yourself? Receiving a witty email or sending one? Remember, you, your family, and workplace are the best sitcom—you must be willing to laugh at yourself and together with those around you. Laughing is contagious, and it’s an easy way to bring in more happiness.

  6. How often do you experience a warm and loving touch from another? A gentle caress, loving embrace, encouraging tap? The tactile pleasures of sex, petting your purring cat, rocking a baby to sleep, the luxury of a deep tissue massage? The sense of touch makes us feel connected and even causes the body to release brain chemicals like serotonin, resulting in your feeling more relaxed and content.

  After answering these questions, make a list of all the experiences you would like to have more often. Then start a folder and collect information about hobbies, travel, opportunities for volunteering, upcoming athletic and art events, and so on. Keep the list and folder in a prominent place so that you see it every day. And most important, put the list into play: Set aside a specific time each day to do the things you love, even if it’s just for five or ten minutes.

  RESHAPING YOUR BRAIN

  It was once believed—not too long ago, in fact—that the brain developed throughout childhood and then became immutable. With the recent advances of neuroimaging techniques such as MRI and PET scans, we now know that this is not true. Scientists have discovered that the brain has dynamic properties throughout life; that is, nerve cells (neurons) are able to form new connections, stimulate new pathways through the brain, and assume new roles and functions. In other words, our brains are evolving all the time. Through purposeful attention, mental training, and practice, we can change our brains and change ourselves. The more you practice a new behavior, the more integrated or groomed the pathway becomes. For example, research shows that meditation alters the physical structure of the brain. Brain scans reveal that experienced meditators show increased thickness in parts of the brain related to attention and sensory input. These findings are consistent with other studies that demonstrate increased thickness of music areas in the brains of musicians, and visual and motor areas in the brains of jugglers. You too can change your brain and your habits for good by following the strategies shared throughout the book.

  I want to impart one important lesson: You may have been taught that you can’t engage in activities you love until you finish your obligations. But you have to treat finding pleasure like you would any other must on your to-do list. If you didn’t do this, it’s likely that you’d never have a chance to play with your kids, read a great novel, or engage in any leisurely activities. You may even be depriving yourself of perfectly good pleasures like companionship because of this mind-set. You may be creating a state of reward deficiency, which leaves you feeling dissatisfied and anxious. To escape these feelings, you may find yourself obsessed with overindulging in delicious foods, and eventually gaining unwanted weight.

  That’s why I encourage you to be deliberate about engaging in activities that make you feel good and bring you joy, and expanding your pleasure file to create a more meaningful and happy life. Make time each day to take short breaks to refresh and boost your energy. Take a walk outside, get some sun, walk up and down the stairs for ten minutes at work, stretch, find a funny clip on YouTube, or use music to trigger those feel-good chemicals in your brain. These practices aren’t limited to temporary well-being; they have been shown to decrease symptoms of depression and are nece
ssary for long-term health and happiness.

  PRIORITIZING YOUR HAPPINESS

  The explosion of research in the field of positive psychology over the last two decades has debunked many myths about happiness. For example, we now know that the notion that people are born either happy or not happy is false. We’ve also learned that happiness cannot be gained through circumstantial changes, such as winning the lottery or getting married. Instead research shows that a large part of happiness is determined by what people do and how they think. This means that you’re in the driver’s seat.

  So it’s time to take your physical health and psychological well-being seriously. After reading this book, we hope you’ve found the motivation to make the commitment to move ahead on this journey, the courage to leave the safety of the old and pursue the new, and the ability to prioritize your quest not only for a healthy lifestyle but for happiness, too. This journey toward your goals is an amazing source of fulfillment and happiness that many people overlook or fail to pursue. The goal is not to be happy once you drop a specific number of pounds or maintain a weight for a certain time, but in pursuing these goals. Once you make the pursuit of happiness your primary goal, all of these other things will fall into place. And, hopefully, you’ll soon find that with minimal effort, you can live an inspired, motivated, happy, and fulfilled life—the life you were meant to live.