Documentary

by Sand, A. J.

  “I noticed them when we were in Orlando, the first time I met him,” Dylan confirmed excitedly.

  Erica nodded with a smile. “Kai noticed that Jeremy had a Band-Aid on his ear lobe the day they flew out, and when he asked him about it, he was very dismissive about how it had happened. He made up some excuse, and from what Kai heard later, he told multiple stories when people asked in the days after. My guess is, my bracelet somehow got caught on it during the struggle, between the stud and the lobe, and pulled it down then out, hard. Or maybe I pulled it out on my own when I was trying to fight him off, I don’t know. Either way, it somehow got pulled out violently.

  “When I got back to L.A. after I finally left Phuket, I moved out of the apartment I shared with my fiancé, and I’m not proud of what I did, but I just needed to get away. I was freaking out when I thought about myself flinching when Bryson touched me. I miss him though. I see how you looked when I was talking about Kai, and I feel the same way about Bryson. But I’m so scared I’ll react…” A tear coasted down her cheek.

  “My guess is, Erica, he’ll understand when or if you tell him. You’re still wearing the ring, so you must think he will, too,” Dylan said.

  Erica nodded slowly and stared off. “I didn’t want to be around people. I didn’t want my friends to pity me or blame themselves. I’ve always had to take care of myself, too, and I didn’t want to seem weak or helpless. And I just didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t want to deal with what I was now, a rape survivor. I felt daily humiliation, to point of vomiting, thinking about how someone had done that to me, and I had been able to do nothing about it. It felt like I had no control over my life and it felt like it was over in some ways, and I just wanted a new one. I left my fiancé and my friends without a word, I quit my job and I moved in with my grandparents in rural Pennsylvania for a while. I told a few people I was fine when they called, and I eventually stopped returning calls. I’m sure my friends want nothing to do with me now. There’s just been so much time. I’m sure they’ve moved on.”

  Dylan shook her head and squeezed Erica’s hand. “Not if they’re true friends, and you have true friends. They’ve been worried about you.”

  Erica’s eyes really filled with tears for the first time as she nodded. “Kai tracked me down when he should’ve been doing album promo...that hurt him a lot. His album should be killing it on the charts right now. He dropped everything for me. He’s in a lot of trouble with his label because of this. I basically told him the truth because it had been building up so much inside of me. He felt awful. He was so angry that he hadn’t walked me that night. And I didn’t blame him, and I still don’t. I want to be able to walk places by myself and drink if I want. I should be able to. And I should be able to trust my friends.

  “Kai was the only one outside of my sister who knew. And when the Phuket police contacted me about the bracelet and the earring to find out if they belonged to me, along with some other things, I told Kai and he immediately flipped out when he remembered about Jeremy on the airplane. He asked me to send the picture of the earring to him and he told me what he had seen. Jeremy has both ears pierced, he had a bandaged ear with no stud, and no real answer about what happened. Too much for a coincidence. I spent another few weeks trying to come to terms with the possibility that my friend raped me. The whole thing just seemed so brazen and so calculated.” Dylan thought back to what Kai had told her about what he recalled Jeremy saying to him in the alley. She was conflicted about sharing that with Erica but decided against it. It was up to Kai to tell her.

  “You always know, yes, it’s possible for the stranger in the bushes to attack you, but you know that it’s more likely it’ll be someone you know, someone you trust. Still, you tell yourself, I would know if my friend was like that. I’d be able to tell. And Jeremy was always nice to me, and he was my good friend for years. There was no clear thing I can pinpoint and say it was a red flag. He could be disagreeable when he didn’t get his way, but there isn’t anything that stands out particularly in my mind that said, ‘hey, that guy is probably going to rape me at some point.’ Maybe there was something…” Her voice trailed off. “…Something I missed.”

  “Erica,” Dylan said with a compassionate tone, “I don’t purport to know anything about this situation, but it sounds like you’re blaming yourself. You didn’t do anything. He will always be in the wrong, always.”

  “Deep down, I know that, but it’s hard to stay away from the ‘I wish’ and ‘what if’s.’ As the weeks went by, I really needed something, you know? Enter our plan for Kai to secretly record him talking about that night and making up another lie about his ear which, by the way, I apparently managed to rip the earring almost clean through because he had to get ear lobe surgery. There might be DNA on the earring, which would put him at the scene definitely. And I know they took some scrapings from my fingernails, so maybe they’ll match. Maybe eventually, if there’s enough cumulative evidence they can file for extradition from the U.S. to Thailand, or something, but I’m not banking on it.

  “According to Kai, he got very antagonistic, defensive and paranoid in the alley. Kai won’t tell me what he said, but I’m guessing it was enough to make him angry enough to hurt him the way he did. I was stupid to ask Kai to do that, knowing how he feels about me. My sister thinks I should just go public because rape allegations have a way of sticking around for a long time, but I want him to face charges, even if it’s a remote possibility, no matter how much the backlash scares me—and it really, really does—and he can’t do that here. Maybe speaking up would pressure the Thai investigators to speed things up, but I can’t say for sure. I worked in public relations, and I don’t want this to play out in the press more than it probably will when things come out. And you can find a way to deflect almost anything with the right story. Jeremy knows me well, so I’m sure he’ll have a story.” Erica took hold of one of Dylan’s hands. “But you know what? Fuck his story. He’s going to have enough outlets to share it through anyway. And I’m sure he’s going to come after me with everything he has.”

  Suddenly, she smiled brighter and more hopefully than she had since Dylan first walked into the hotel suite. “I’ve been watching your videos since the first one, and I’ve been so touched by the way you’ve captured Kai. That’s the person everyone who knows him personally gets to see. And you know what I saw too? I saw you chronicling yourself falling in love with him. You’ve told a beautiful story about my best friend. And it would mean the world to me if you’d help me tell mine.”

  Save Yourself – Chapter 24

  Wintervention hosted a second weekend in January and advertised it to people itching to get away from their families after the holidays, and to coincide with the annual Music Business Conference, which would begin the following week. Erica was a fashion and indie music writer, and she was covering both events. She dropped Dylan off at the hotel where Kai’s entourage and crew were the following day.

  “Thanks so much, Dylan,” she yelled out the passenger window. “So I guess I’ll see you later.”

  “Yup. Well…me and everyone else. All your friends are going to be there,” Dylan informed her, smiling with the hope that she would join them if she wanted, and she suddenly had a thought. “We’re in reserved tents ten, eleven and twelve, and they’re just for friends and guests.” Dylan pulled off her VIP pass and dropped it into the passenger seat. “I can get another one from Ashley. You’re invited if you want to come, obviously.”

  Erica picked it up and a small smile landed on her face. “Oh…yeah. I figured. We had talked about going together before…a longtime ago…”

  “They miss you,” Dylan said before she could stop herself.

  Erica smiled wider. “Thanks for this,” she said as she looped the pass around her neck. “See ya there.”

  Dylan said goodbye as the car pulled off. Her heart raced in anticipation of talking to Kai, and she had sort of figured out everything she wanted to say. Picking Kai was picking h
erself. It was giving a deprived heart what it was craving: happiness, freedom, love. She was also going to have to make peace with Mac. It was time to release him and be released, too, in the process. Dylan pulled out her cell phone and started typing.

  “Mac, I’m not going to be able to do this much anymore. It’s unfair to you and really unfair to me. For whatever reason that I’ll never understand, you had to go. I’m sorry you never got to go to law school, start a charity, build a school, go to Venezuela and see my major directorial debut. No matter what I do, I’ll never be able to give you the life you should’ve had. I can only make sure to give myself a good one in the time I have. I miss you so much. I love you always.”

  Dylan sent it to her email drafts and took the time to delete all the others, one by one, feeling a little more relieved each time the number went down. Going forward, she had to allow him to exist within her heart only. She loved Mac but she was thinking maybe she loved Kai too. For such a short word, it was a complex feeling. It could be holding on or letting go. Giving up or fighting for. She left only that last message and dried her eyes before she walked into the lobby. Ashley waved her over. Her usual snarl had been replaced with something that was arguably a pleasant smile. Dylan tentatively smiled back.

  “We’re just waiting for the two other buses to fill up at a gas station. Kai and the guys went ahead with Kutch’s crew because they were at a party at his hotel last night,” Ashley explained. “So, you actually told Nina about you and Kai.”

  “I said I would, didn’t I?” Dylan said, ignoring her disappointment that Kai wasn’t there. Her mind floated to the debauchery he might’ve gotten into with J.Kutch. That sucked. Ashley smiled wider in silence and she got a mysterious look in her eyes as the two tour buses pulled up in front of the hotel.

  “Maybe I wasn’t completely right about you,” she admitted as they got on a bus.

  “Yeah, maybe,” Dylan said with a distracted smile. Ashley was discussing something Dylan didn’t care to listen to, but she nodded every few minutes to fake interest as she reflected on her conversation with Erica. She had told her about Dan Middleton’s production company and how she wanted to apply. They would work out the details, but Erica liked the possibility of her story being a part of some project.

  Wintervention Redux was being held at a large park in downtown Miami, right on the edges of Biscayne Bay. The scenery was stunning, with the park sandwiched between the gorgeous, shimmery blues of the sky and water, and the sun-washed silver of the skyscrapers. The crowd was charged up like it had been at the first weekend, on the bright, warm afternoon. After getting off the bus, Dylan strode to the tents Kai had reserved for everyone. After a round of hugs, Dylan accepted the Corona that Jamie rammed against her palm, and she sat in the empty chair next to Abel. Jamie plopped down on his lap and glared at a girl hovering near the edge of the tent trying to get his attention.

  “You talk to him yet?” Jamie asked.

  Dylan shook her head as she lifted the bottle to her lips. She had sent him a text and called from Erica’s hotel suite but got no answer. He was probably in J.Kutch’s tent because he knew she was in his. He was probably talking to someone who wouldn’t have a problem choosing him. “Hopefully today because I leave for San Francisco in a few days.”

  “Oh no, I forgot,” Jamie said, pouting. Abel turned away from his conversation with Leko and dropped his hand on Dylan’s shoulder.

  “We’re going to miss you!” Abel said loudly. “But you’re welcome to come hang out with me and Wesley whenever you’re in L.A., okay?” His voice drew Wes and Leko, and they echoed his sentiments. She would miss them all too. She was grateful to be surrounded by so much love and friendship. It finally dawned on her how much she had opted for focusing on what she had lost instead of appreciating what she still had…and what she had gained over the past several weeks.

  The tent went silent suddenly in an unnerving way before the voices rose again with mumblings. Everyone was staring in the same direction but blocking her and Jamie’s view. They both stood and Dylan gasped when she saw Erica standing there.

  “Uh, hey…everybody,” Erica said in a chirpy tone, tucking her hair behind her ears. “Mind if I crash?” Dylan could almost hear the wild, collective thudding of their hearts.

  “Yeah, come on in, E,” Wes said. “It’s good to see you.” He gestured at the chair he had been sitting in. “You wanna sit?”

  “There’s, uh, tons of food,” Jamie chimed in, looking nervous. She was staring at Erica like her appearance might have been some ephemeral, supernatural event. “Potato salad, um, cubed cheese…”

  “Thanks, guys,” Erica said, looking relieved as she trotted in. “It’s good to see all of you. I know it’s been a while.”

  “E, you’re always welcome here, you know that,” Leko said in a resolute and reassuring tone, but he was working really hard to mask his surprise as well.

  “Thanks, Lek,” she said, smiling at him, and his eyes trailed her as she continued toward Dylan. “The party isn’t supposed to stop when I get here.” There was a slight ease in the tension as they all laughed. Erica embraced her old friends, talking to each quietly for a few seconds. Dylan smiled, hopeful that all of them would get back to as close to how things used to be as they could get someday.

  Jamie started tugging on Dylan’s arm, pulling her toward their huddle. “E, have you met Dylan Carroll? She’s Kai’s—”

  “Web series director,” Erica said, winking at Dylan. “She’s the reason I’m here, actually.”

  “I was going to say girlfriend, but I guess that works, too,” Jamie said, shrugging. Dylan slammed her elbow into her friend’s side. “Ow! Well, we’re clearly going to see more of you after your job is over, so I figured it was time to start calling you by your new title.” Dylan wished it were that simple.

  Wes threw his hands in the air before his shoulders drooped. He looked devastated. “Well, I’m at a loss. You and Kai? This entire time? I thought we had something.”

  “Good to see that you’re still in love with every girl you know,” Erica said, rolling her eyes at him.

  “And still never loved back,” Wes said, adding a dramatic sigh.

  “Dylan, can we talk?” Erica asked as she reached out to touch her arm lightly. “Please bring your camera.” She smiled at each of her friends. “We have a lot of catching up to do, but I’m actually working. Can I call you guys soon? Maybe go out for lunch or something if we’re all in the same place?”

  Everyone responded with the kind of answers indicating that she shouldn’t have even bothered to ask the question because the answer was obvious. Dylan had been right about them. They were good people, and when Erica was ready to talk to them about what had happened in Thailand, they would listen, and Dylan really hoped that they would believe her. She also thought that their friends were probably wondering how they knew each other already, but there was no time to explain before she trailed her out of the tent and into the chaotic festival. The Finlay Peterson Band was on the main stage, and the audience was packed tightly in the amphitheater. Dylan followed Erica’s winding path through the crowd, moving past tents, vendors and people camped out on the grass, until Erica finally stopped when they were in an area of the park that was less congested and close to Biscayne Bay. Dylan had sneaked glances at the tents as they were walking to see if one of them just happened to be J.Kutch’s with Kai in it, but she hadn’t spotted him, Heath or Xavier. She doubted he would answer if she called again. Kai wasn’t due to perform for another several hours so he could’ve been anywhere.

  “I tried your cell, but I guess you couldn’t hear over the noise. I was supposed to do a short video for the Wintervention special on our website, but my cameraman called about an hour ago, said he had an emergency, and can’t make it. I could make the recording myself on my little camera, but I’m terrible at filming myself. Could I borrow you?”

  “Of course.” Dylan had figured Kai wouldn’t call her, so she had sim
ply not bothered to check her phone. She yanked her camcorder out of the bag but didn’t turn it on.

  Erica clapped enthusiastically. “Great! It’s scripted, and I have a mike. I’ll only be talking for about two and a half, three minutes. I want the Bay in the background, and then if you could pan around until the festival is in the shot, that’d be great. I’ll talk a little and that’s it. The rest of the content will be my article and still photography, and I can take care of that myself.”

  “Okay, sure. Sounds—” Suddenly a figure was at Dylan’s side, and she cringed when she turned her head. Chase Bunyan had joined them. He reeked of booze and carried that same disgruntled, vicious glare from the bar in New York that seemed meant for anyone he had a perceived problem with. Another guy, who Dylan guessed was Adam Scott, was hovering a few feet away.

  “Kai White’s two favorite girls,” Chase said, swiveling his gaze between them as he leered. Using his beer bottle, he pointed at both of them. “So tell me…” he said, licking his lips, “…who does what?”

  Dylan’s shoulders tensed and she tightened her grip on the camcorder. She was done being bullied by anyone with the surname Bunyan. “I’ll make it easier. Here’s something you should already know the answer to, what Kai White’s fists does to faces…like yours,” Dylan said before smirking. “I think he made some improvements.” She didn’t really like Kai fighting, but it was worth seeing Chase squirm and not have a response. His injuries had healed, but clearly, his ego had not. Dylan rotated completely and realized that they had picked a spot very close to some of the tents. If Chase was here, so was Jeremy, who was performing some time today. And as soon as she completed the thought, her gaze locked on him.