“Each of you will be having one-on-one meetings with me in the next two days to tell me your finalized plans for your paper. I know some of you are farther along than others, and I know others of you have changed your ideas entirely over the last month. But I want to know exactly what you’re doing, so I can help you in the best way possible,” Miss Peters says. All eight of us nod and look between each other.
“Penelope, you’re up first.”
I grab my computer and my notebook and walk over to the back table where Miss Peters set up shop. I don’t know why I’m sweating.
“Hi, Penelope. How are you doing?” Miss Peters asks.
“I’m good. So first, I wanted to know if my research paper could be similar to your research paper?” I ask. Miss Peters is currently taking college classes where she also writes research papers. Her latest and most popular one was about the musical Hamilton, but that’s not exactly what I want to write about.
“Well, I’d think so,” Miss Peters says.
“Well, what I want to do is a narrative analysis of The Lord of the Rings.” Miss Peters eyes light up.
“That would be amazing, but do you have a more specific area of The Lord of the Rings in mind? And are you going to analyze the books or the movies? Or both?” Miss Peters asks. I tap my pen on my chin and smile nervously.
“Well, I was thinking I would analyze the character Boromir specifically, but beyond that, I don’t know yet,” I say. Miss Peters nods and scribbles in her own notebook.
“Okay, well it sounds like you have a lot of work to do, but you’re headed in the right direction. Do you have any questions for me?” Miss Peters asks. I shake my head.
“I don’t think so.”
“Okay, then go ahead and start narrowing down your research. Let me know if anything comes up.”
“Okay.” I nod and get up, taking my stuff with me back to my desk. Then, another student is called, and I let out a sigh. Now, it’s time to work my butt off on this research paper.
At the end of the day, I get in bed and pull out my journal from underneath my desk. I open the page up to the most recent entry, forcing myself not to reread the last entry and instead writing today’s date on the line below. Then, I start to write.
I write about fighting with Dane. Fights between us happen almost every day now, but they’re too ridiculous to remember half of them. It’s usually my fault. I get mad and jealous, and I can’t help but lash out. I feel more alone every time we fight, and even though we always forgive each other, it feels like each fight and emotional breakdown I experience is etched into my heart. And I don’t know if they’ll heal by the time Dane and I are back together in the same place. I hope they do.
After that, I write about school. AP Psychology is kicking my butt. I thought I would enjoy it so much more because I love to help people, and I’ve always been interested in mental disorders and understanding people better. But this class sucks. At least, the rest of my classes are manageable.
Then, I write to God. God, I need strength. Things aren’t going well. They haven’t been going well since Dane left. The only one I want and need has been gone for nearly five months, and he will be gone for at least six more. Every day hurts. I lost a piece of myself when I walked away from him at that airport back in June. Parts of my heart and soul are gone because they’re attached to him. God… I cannot go on like this for six more months. I need strength. I need love. I need patience. I need compassion from others.
I’m lost, God, but I desperately want to be found. You already know who I am, who I’m meant to be, what I’m capable of‒everything. You know me better than I know myself. So I need you to remind me what I’m supposed to do, who I’m supposed to be. Please, God. I’ll do whatever it takes.
Thank you, Lord, for whatever prayers you answer today. Hold others above mine‒other’s needs, wants, and lives. I want others to be safe, happy, and healthy before I am. Thank you, God. Amen.
Then, I close my journal and place it back underneath my desk until the next time I need to write it all down.
✦✦✦
By December, Indiana might as well be Antartica. I won’t have anymore photo shoots until the spring, which means I’ll likely spend most of my days in my bedroom, sulking over my loneliness. But Dane comes home this month, so that’s what I have to look forward to.
“You got mail,” Mom says, handing me three envelopes. “It took a lot of self-restraint to keep from opening them, but I wanted to give you the honor.” She’s smiling, and I realize why when I look at them. They’re from the universities I applied to. I open the Ball State University envelope first, and although I should probably feel a little nervous, I don’t.
“We are pleased to inform you,” I say, and a smile spreads across my face. I drop it on the counter, ignoring the rest of the letter, and start to open the next envelope from the University of Indianapolis. Mom picks up the Ball State acceptance letter and reads over it some more. I pull out the papers from the second envelope, and a big “yes” is in the top left hand corner of the first paper I see.
“You’ve been accepted,” I say. Mom stops reading the first acceptance letter when I hand her the second.
“Last but not least,” I say, tearing open the top of the Eastern Washington University envelope. Mom watches me this time.
“Go Eagles. Welcome to the Eagles’ family,” I say. Mom cheers and claps.
Dane’s first duty station will be in Spokane, Washington, and as soon as I found out, I started looking at schools in the area. Dane will be moving there in January, but now that I’m accepted to this school, I could move there too as early as June.
The door from the garage opens and closes, and Dad walks into the kitchen, wearing an outfit coated in white and tan paint from work.
“What’s going on?” He asks. Mom excitedly grabs all the acceptance letters and brings them to him. His hands are coated in dried paint too, but he takes them from her and starts to read. He immediately smiles and looks up at me.
“Awesome! You got accepted to all your schools, but I don’t see one from Purdue. I thought you really liked that school, and they had the psychology program you liked,” Dad says.
“I didn’t apply to Purdue. I don’t know. I haven’t decided on that one yet,” I say to avoid telling the truth. Dad nods and shakes the papers in his hand.
“You should be really proud of this. Maybe you’ll be the first one to get a college degree in our family.”
“Maybe,” I say.
Kevin is dropping out of college. The tuition fees for Butler are so high that he’s already in thousands of dollars of debt after only one semester. My parents can’t afford to give him any money, and his scholarship doesn't cover enough of the costs. So he’s coming back home, and now it’s supposed to be my turn to try.
But the truth is that I don’t think I want to go to college. The idea of going to more classes, writing more papers, and taking more tests kind of makes me want to die. I’ve worked so hard over the last thirteen years, and I don’t know. I guess I’m kind of over it. But telling me parents that‒well, that’s an announcement for another day. Today, I’ll let them be excited for me.
✦✦✦
Two weeks later, I wake up in the darkness of my bedroom with a figure standing above me. I rub my eyes and sit up to see that it’s Dad. The hallway light is on, and the clock on my entertainment center reads 12:30 a.m.
“Someone’s here to see you,” Dad says. My brain is still asleep, and I don’t comprehend what he’s saying. It takes about three more times before I get up and follow him out of my bedroom. It’s quiet, and I wonder what anyone would be doing up at this hour. Dad hurries down the stairs, but I take them slowly, feeling off balance and sleepy.
It takes about five seconds and five steps down the stairs for me to realize what’s happening. At the front door, Dane stands in his dress blues with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. He smiles at me, and I smile too. I rush down the rest of the
stairs and into his arms. It feels surreal, and I wonder if I’m dreaming.
Dane smells like his deodorant, and I’m overwhelmed with a sense of home in his arms. But then, the confusion sets in, and I take a step back.
“How did you get here?” I ask. Dane hands me the bouquet of flowers, and I smell them and smile.
“I drove,” he says. My jaw drops, and I look at my parents who look equally as shocked.
“That was an eighteen hour drive,” Mom says.
“Yeah,” Dane laughs uneasily.
“I bet you’re exhausted! Are you hungry? Let me get you something to eat,” Mom says and heads into the kitchen. We all follow her, and Dane and I sit at the kitchen table. I can’t think of anything to say. No words seem like the right words, so Dane and I only look at each other and smile.
“I was actually standing outside for about half an hour,” Dane says, and I tilt my head.
“What?”
“I kept texting and calling you, but you didn’t answer. And I rang the doorbell and knocked a bunch, but no one was coming to the door. I almost gave up, but finally, your dad came and answered the door.”
“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. My phone must’ve been on do not disturb mode. I’m glad you stayed, though,” I say.
“Yeah.”
“Have you seen your parents yet?” Dad asks. He’s leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest, and I wonder if Dane is intimidated by him.
“No, I came here first. I wanted to surprise Penelope,” Dane says, looking back at me.
“Well, I am definitely surprised,” I say, “I didn’t think you would get here until Christmas day like you said.”
“Yeah, I thought so too, but I got to leave a few days early.”
“That’s good,” I say. The microwave beeps, and Mom brings a plate of leftovers to Dane. He immediately starts shoveling it into his mouth, and I watch with horror. He burps loudly and then looks at me, noticing my disgust. His face turns red.
“Sorry. I guess I’m used to living with a bunch of guys. I have some bad habits I’m gonna have to change,” he says and starts eating again, slower this time.
Someone comes clambering downstairs, and I turn to see Alec with major bedhead. He rubs his eyes and then narrows them at Dane. Then, he smiles.
“Dane just got here,” Dad says.
“Oh, hey, Dane,” Alec says. “I thought I heard someone knocking on the door earlier, but I also thought I might’ve been dreaming.”
“You should’ve said something! Dane was freezing his butt off for half an hour,” I say.
“Sorry,” Alec mumbles.
“It’s fine. Why don’t you go on back to bed? We’ll only be up for a little while longer,” Mom says. Alec doesn't say anything else. He turns right around and heads back upstairs to his room. When I turn back to Dane, he’s already finished eating.
“You know, if you’re too tired to drive the rest of the way home, you can stay here on the couch,” Dad says. Dane looks at me but shakes his head.
“I’m okay. The food helped a lot to wake me up, so thank you. I want to surprise my folks too.” Dad nods.
“Alright, well I think we’re going to head back to bed. It’s really good seeing you, and we’re glad you’re home. Drive safe, and lock up when he leaves, Penelope,” Dad says. My parents smile at us and then walk towards their bedroom. I hear their door close, and I turn back to Dane.
“Are you happy to see me?” Dane asks.
“Of course. I’m really happy you’re home,” I say. It’s still awkward between us, and I hope this doesn't last long. Hopefully, we’ll be back to normal tomorrow after we get some rest.
“Well, I better be heading home. I still have a thirty minute drive ahead of me.” Dane stands up, so I do the same, leaving the bouquet of flowers on the kitchen table. I walk over to the door with him and watch him put on his shoes. When he’s done, he wraps me in a hug, and I hold on tight. His scent fills my nose, reminding me that this is real, and we’re finally together again.
“I love you,” Dane says, letting go of me.
“I love you too.” He kisses me lightly. We haven’t kissed or touched in over four months, and I worry I’ve forgotten how. He steps back and smiles.
“When will I see you?” I ask. A rush of anxiety fills my chest at the thought of not seeing him again.
“Um, I don’t know. You can come over tomorrow if you want.”
“Okay, I will,” I say and step to open the front door. Dane steps outside but turns back to give me another kiss. This one lasts longer and feels more familiar than the first. It leaves me smiling and craving more.
“I love you so much, and it’s really good to kiss you again,” Dane says.
“I love you too. Drive safe. Okay?”
“I will. Bye.”
I watch him walk back to his car that’s parked haphazardly on the street next to my mailbox. Then, he gets in and waves goodbye. I wave too and watch him drive away. I stand there for a few extra seconds, looking around at the darkness outside and feeling the freezing December air against my skin. When it becomes too cold to bear, I close the door, lock it, and go back upstairs to the warmth of my bed.
I turn on my phone and find about ten text messages and ten phone calls from Dane that I missed, and now I’m even more grateful that my dad heard the knocks on the door. It must’ve been God’s will. The darkness and warmth of my bedroom swallows me up, and I fall asleep thinking I may wake up tomorrow to my dreams coming true. Dane is really home.
CHAPTER 18
I make it to Trafalgar, Indiana by one p.m. and walk right into the Sutton’s house through their garage. Pam stands in the kitchen, and she turns towards me with wide eyes at first. But then, her face melts into a smile, and she walks over to wrap me in a hug.
“Aw, I’m so happy. Aren’t you so happy?” Pam asks. I nod, and she lets go.
“Yeah. Were you surprised?” I ask.
“I had no idea. Did you?” Pam sits at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, so I sit down with her.
“I didn’t know either. We almost didn’t answer the door for him because we were all asleep,” I say.
“Oh dear, yes. He told us that. Well, he’s downstairs sleeping still if you want to go wake him up. I’m going to start making him some breakfast,” Pam says. She stands back up and heads towards the oven, so I take that as my cue and head downstairs to the basement.
It’s freezing and dark besides the little bit of light coming through the sliding glass door. I walk slowly and quietly through the living space until I reach the curtains that separate Dane’s bedroom from the rest of the basement. I peak through one of the cracks and can’t see a thing, but I step inside anyways. It’s pitch black, so I step slowly, waving my arms out in front of me. My eyes slowly adjust until finally, I can see a lump in the bed.
The box fan on his dresser whirs loudly, so he probably wouldn’t hear my talk if I tried. So I slip off my shoes and carefully climb into his bed, making sure not to crawl on him and wake him up too abruptly. I lay on the right side and face him, allowing my eyes to adjust even more until I can see his face. His hair is a mess, but it’s shorter than it used to be before he left for the military. It’s longer than the last time I saw him in Texas, though, so he looks more like the man I know and love.
Dane rolls onto his back, and his eyes open slightly. He must think he’s dreaming because for whatever reason, when he sees me, he pushes me away. His eyes open more, though, and he immediately grabs my body and brings me closer to him. He breathes in deeply with his face pressed into my hair, and he tightens his grip around my stomach. I can’t help but smile.
“Good morning,” I say quietly. Dane mumbles back, making me laugh. Then, we’re silent for a few minutes, and all I hear is the sound of Dane breathing. His arms around me comfort me like I’m finally safe after a very long time. My emotions get the best of me. A few tears run down my face, but thankfully, Dane can’t tell in the d
ark. I think they’re happy tears.
Dane grumbles and lets go of me, so I quickly rub my eyes and sit up. He sits up too and turns on his phone, which blinds him with its brightness.
“Happy Christmas Eve Eve,” Dane says. I smile. It truly is a happy day. Dane gets out of bed and turns the lights on, making both of us shield our eyes. Then, he turns the fan off, and it becomes much quieter.
“Your mom is making you breakfast,” I say. Dane starts rummaging through his dressers and seems dissatisfied.
“Okay, I’m going to take a shower first. I’ll meet you up there.” Dane smiles lightly and then walks towards the bathroom. I hear the door close and the shower turn on, so I climb out of Dane’s bed and go back upstairs. The smell of bacon and sausage fills the air, making my mouth water.
Pam and I talk for awhile until Dane comes upstairs, and the whole atmosphere changes. Eventually, Ethan and Joseph join us, and we all eat breakfast together, even though it’s nearing three p.m. For the rest of the day, the Suttons and I listen to Dane talk for hours. He tells stories about Basic training again and new stories about his time in Wichita Falls.
It’s weird to hear his voice and see his facial expressions change. I can’t keep my eyes off of him, and as much as he’ll let me, I stick as close to him as I can all night.
It gets late, and although I don’t want to leave, my parents want me to come back home for dinner. So Dane walks me out to my car in the freezing weather. Our feet are loud against the rock driveway, but when we stop in front of my car, it’s eerily silent. We look up, and the sky is full of stars. The moon shines bright, and I watch Dane admire it. He looks down at me, and our love is silent but loud. I can see it in his eyes, and I can’t believe I ever worried he wouldn’t love me when he came back.
His hand moves slowly through the air to the back of my neck, and he brings my face close to his until we’re kissing. His nose is already cold against my face, and our lips are a bit too chapped. But we pretend none of it matters, and we kiss in the cold until we’re shivering. Dane finally opens his eyes and pulls his face away, but his hand remains on the back of my neck. His other hand stays on my hip, and he smiles. My heart is so full. I stare into his eyes and around his face. The last time I saw him, his face was covered in freckles from being in the sun so much, and now they are mostly gone. But he’s as handsome as ever.
Love Lasts Page 20