The Wreckage of Us

by Cherry, Brittainy

  “I blame myself a lot for what happened to your mother over the years. If she hadn’t gotten tied up with my daughter, who knows what your lives could’ve been? She would’ve had a college degree. She would’ve made something of herself. She would’ve never gotten involved with Charlie.”

  “Maybe.” I shrugged. “Or maybe she would’ve ended up worse off. Maybe she would’ve ended up dead if you never took her in. Big Paw, you can’t blame yourself for the choices that your daughter or my mother made. It’s not your burden to carry.”

  “Then why does it feel so damn heavy on my back?”

  I smiled and reached my hand across the desk and placed it on his. “Because your heart is so big you blame yourself for others’ tragedies.”

  His eyes moved to my hand on his, and then he gave me a stern look. I pulled my hand away slowly.

  Okay, we’re not at the touching comfort stage of our relationship. Duly noted.

  “All I’m saying is, my mother made choices that affected her life. You took her in when she needed a home, and that was more than most people would’ve done. On top of that, you took me in.” I paused and narrowed my eyes. “Did you do that to make up for what happened to my mother?”

  He slowly nodded. “I owed you. I wanted you to get the chance at making your life into something, like your mother wanted to do but never got the chance to tackle.”

  For a big, grumpy man, Big Paw had to be the sweetest person alive. I could see how Holly had fallen in love with him. Behind his big, mean exterior was the softest man alive. Ian must’ve taken after him. They were both like Warheads—extremely sour until the sweetness was revealed.

  “I won’t let you down, sir.”

  He cocked an eyebrow.

  I cleared my throat. “I mean, Big Paw. I won’t let you down, Big Paw.”

  “Good, which brings me to the next topic I wanted to discuss—you working here on the ranch. Do you enjoy your job?”

  “Yes. More than I could ever express.” For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged somewhere. I’d never really had time to dream big, because I’d figured dreams were only for people who hadn’t grown up in the world that I had, but working on the ranch had changed that for me. I’d never thought I’d be a girl who loved working on a ranch, but there I was, talking to horses and chasing chickens and loving every second of it.

  “Good, good. I won’t beat around the bush—your work ethic outshines everyone who has come before you, my grandson included. You go above and beyond with a smile on your face. You’re quick to help others too. That’s very important in my mind. I need good ranch hands who aren’t afraid to help one another out. That’s why I want to offer you a raise. I want you to take over Ian’s manager position.”

  My eyes bugged out of my face. “What? Seriously?”

  “Yes. I think you’re a great fit and showcase great leadership skills. I think, if you’re interested, you could keep climbing the ladder around here.”

  “I’m honored, Big Paw, and I swear I will work harder than ever to prove to you that you won’t regret your decision.”

  “I believe that. There is one stipulation.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “You must enroll in a college program. You can take classes at the community college right outside of town, or you can do an online program, but either way, you need to attend college, Hazel. You are bigger than just being a small-town girl. You can get a degree toward your future. Don’t worry about the costs either. Holly and I will take care of that. If running things like the ranch is something you might be interested in down the line, a business degree could go a long way. I want you to have all the possibilities that your mother missed out on. I want you to have more.”

  It was in that moment that I knew Big Paw truly cared for me, deep down in his soul. He believed in my future, too, which made tears well up in my eyes. I didn’t cry, though, because I knew that kind of emotion would make him uncomfortable. You cried to Holly; you appeared strong in front of Big Paw. That was how it worked with Ian’s grandparents. The grandparents of Eres.

  I shook Big Paw’s hand and stood up from my chair to get back to work. After I was done for the day, the first thing I’d do would be to hop on a computer and start researching colleges.

  “Thanks again, Big Paw. This is life changing for me.”

  “I hope so. You’re a good kid, Hazel. Don’t forget that.”

  I smiled and turned to leave his office as my heart felt full from Big Paw’s compliment. He called out to me.

  “Wait, Hazel, two more things before you go.”

  “Yes?”

  “Your letters to your mother . . . keep writing them. She’s reading them. She just feels as if your life is better off without her and her sins, but those letters . . . I think they are helping her stay clear minded. Keep that up.”

  “Will do. And the other thing?”

  His brows knotted as he clasped his hands together. “My grandson, Ian . . . you care about him?”

  “Yes, sir—Big Paw.”

  “Do me a favor, and do your best to not hurt him. It took him years to open up again after his parents left him, and I know that has a lot to do with you coming into his life. If you’re in, stay in with him. I don’t think he could handle another loss.”

  I gave him my word. The truth was the idea of things not working out with Ian—whatever it was that we were—terrified me. For the first time in my life, I felt as if someone had really been able to see my scars and still tag them as beautiful. Whenever I thought of Ian, my heart did cartwheels. The last thing I’d ever do was risk our happily ever after.

  The busier I kept on the ranch, the less I had time to think about Ian no longer holding me each night. I kept sleeping in his hoodies, though, wishing it was his skin against my skin. Plus, he’d left his truck for me to use, which came in handy for when I needed to drive around to clear my head.

  As promised, we talked every morning. Even with the two-hour time difference and Ian’s insane recording schedule, he managed to fit in good-morning conversations and good-night talks.

  We texted all day, every day too. I was certain his life had been a whirlwind. The group was getting more and more coverage. They’d officially released their first EP, which had three of their songs on it, and it was very well received.

  I’d only followed five accounts on Instagram. Each of the guys and their main Wreckage page. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t open and close the app a million times hoping for updates.

  “So Rihanna is as amazing in person as she seems to be, and the rumors are true. She smells fucking amazing,” Ian exclaimed late one night as I was curled in bed. It was already past two in the morning my time, a little after midnight for him. The guys had a crazy schedule of radio interviews and TV appearances for their upcoming new single. They’d been going nonstop until late in the evenings.

  I laughed. “You should’ve asked her if I could get some of her new Fenty eyeliner. I’ve been dying to try it.”

  “You should’ve let me know earlier. I would’ve!”

  I snickered. “And how again did you come across Rihanna?”

  “We were leaving a recording studio as she was walking in for a meeting. Sure, she probably had no clue who we were, but she said hi. Hazel, let that settle in. Rihanna said hi to us. Things are getting wild.”

  I covered my mouth to yawn and turned the phone away from me so Ian wouldn’t hear the sleepiness in my voice. Every time he heard me yawn, he quickened our calls.

  “It looked like you had quite the groupies show up to the radio station. I saw the picture Marcus put up.”

  “It’s crazy, right? Who would’ve ever thought these small-town boys would get that much attention. There were hundreds of people out there screaming our names.”

  “Just don’t forget I screamed your name first,” I joked.

  “I can’t wait to hear you scream it again. I want you to get so loud that all of the US hears you.”
>
  I smirked, thinking about how when we made love, I had to cover my mouth with a pillow. Then a strange ting of nerves settled into my stomach. “Looks like a lot of female fans.”

  “Yeah. Marcus and Eric are eating up the attention.” He took a beat. “You’re not . . . jealous, are you?”

  I knew I didn’t have the right to be. I knew I didn’t need to be jealous. If anything, I trusted Ian. What I didn’t trust was rabid fans who couldn’t care less about the private life Ian had back home. To them, he was Ian Parker, the up-and-coming rock star who oozed sex appeal like a flowing river. But to me, he was my Ian. The small-town boy who spent his days shoveling manure with me and his nights performing in a barn house.

  “You have nothing to be worried about, Hazel. I mean it. Sure, there are a lot of girls around, but all I really think about is how I want a break in my schedule to be back beside you. Our publicist is pretty hell bent on us going nonstop for the next few months, because we are up and coming. Max is getting down on us pretty hard about being one hundred percent committed to the music and the music only. No outside distractions. He said if he catches me on my phone in the studio one more time, he’s going to break it.”

  I bit my bottom lip. “I hope I’m not distracting you. I’ll make sure not to text as much.”

  “No. Please. Text me everything, all the things. It might take me a while to reply. But I will reply, Haze. I swear. I want to hear from you. You’re kind of my compass. I don’t want to lose myself in this world. You’re my road map home.”

  I smiled at his words and pulled his hoodie to my nose to breathe it in. I’d been spraying it with his cologne every now and again. Jeez . . . I was addicted.

  “Speaking of being my road map . . . today people paid me a lot of cheesy compliments that went directly to my head,” he said. “So in an attempt to not get a big ego, I am requesting that you tell me a handful of my flaws.”

  I laughed. “Oh boy. Are you sure? We’ll be here all night.”

  “Dive right in. Rip it off like a bandage.”

  “You fart in your sleep,” I stated. “And they are smelly. Like rotten eggs in your face, worse than the pigpens, bad.”

  “Oh, wow. Okay, took you no time to get that one out.”

  “You don’t always flush the toilet. You put the toilet paper on backward like a caveman. Sometimes you leave the bathroom so fast that I doubt you washed your hands, which makes me want to do the HCT.”

  “HCT?” he asked.

  “Hand-check test. You know, when someone comes out of the bathroom and you shake their hands to see if they are wet or cold from washing them. You can smell them, too, to see if they smell like soap. Then you know they cleaned them well.”

  He laughed. “Don’t tell me you go around smelling people’s hands.”

  “Well, no. But don’t be freaked out if I do it the next time we hang out.”

  “And where did you learn about HCT?”

  “My mom used to do it when I was a little kid. I was obsessed with lying about washing my hands. So she created HCT to get me to stop.” I paused for a second. My stomach tightened, and I tried my best to twist my memories of Mama away. There were so few good ones that whenever one popped into my head, it made me want to get emotional on the spot. Of course, I wanted to recall the good moments with Mama, but also thinking back on the good made me miss her even more.

  “How is she doing?” Ian asked, probably taking note of my silence.

  “Oh, you know. The best she can be. Garrett has shockingly been giving me updates on her. She should be delivering the baby in a few months.”

  “How are you feeling about it all?”

  Too much. I’m feeling too much.

  I curled into a tighter ball. “You snore in your sleep like a rhino. When you clip your toenails, you let the clippings fly anywhere, even if it’s in the kitchen. Did I mention you hang the toilet paper the wrong way?”

  He chuckled. “Okay, okay. Obviously, we’re not talking about your mom anymore, but you’re wrong about the toilet paper.”

  “No. You hang it with the paper facing over. That’s wrong.”

  “No,” he argued. “That makes it easier to pull. Easy access.”

  “Wrong, wrong, wrong.” I yawned. It escaped me without thought, and I was quick to cover my mouth.

  “Oh shit. It’s almost three in the morning over there, isn’t it? Go to sleep, Haze.”

  “I’m fine.” I yawned again.

  “Liar. I’ll call you in the morning before you head out to the ranch. Sleep tight. And Haze?”

  “Yes?”

  “You snore like an elephant with a peanut caught in its nose.”

  I snickered. “Good night, Ian.”

  “Good night.”

  He hung up the phone, and a few minutes later, my phone dinged with a text message.

  Ian: Here’s a bit of reading material for the next time you’re sitting on the toilet.

  Following the message were five articles about how one was supposed to hang their toilet paper over versus under.

  Hazel: I could find you an article online about how Bigfoot is real, too, if you’re interested. And the truth about Santa Claus.

  Ian: Big Foot is real. As is Santa Claus. You should really start believing everything you read on the internet. Like, right now there’s an article going around saying I have a massive cock. Believe in that, Hazel.

  Don’t you worry, Ian. I have enough proof of my own on that subject.

  Hazel: Massive is in the eye of the beholder.

  Ian: I welcome you to behold it with your eyes when I see you again.

  I smiled.

  Hazel: Go to sleep, weirdo.

  Ian: Haze?

  Hazel: Yes?

  Ian: You know what I’m thinking right now?

  Hazel: Yes, and me too.

  Ian: Good. Good night.

  I knew his thoughts, even though he never said it straight out.

  I love you too, Ian Parker.

  Before I fell asleep, I turned on Spotify and put the Wreckage’s songs on replay to help me fall asleep. Even though I didn’t know when I’d see Ian again, I was already counting down the days until our reunion. And just like every other girl around the world, I pretended the love songs were written for me.

  The next morning, I awakened to my phone receiving a text message. I hurried to answer it, thinking it was Ian, but it wasn’t. Garrett’s name flashed on the screen.

  Garrett: Kid came early. In something called NICU. Not looking so hot.

  Mind spinning, I scrambled to my feet. My chest was rising and falling as I tossed on some clothes and headed out of my bedroom, writing Garrett back.

  Hazel: What hospital?

  Garrett: St. Luke’s. About three hours from town.

  Hazel: Are you and your mom there?

  Garrett: Nah. Had no gas money this week.

  Hazel: On my way.

  Garrett: They probably won’t let you near.

  Hazel: She’s my sister. I’m on my way.

  Garrett: Figured you might want to know—we aren’t taking the kid in.

  What?

  Hazel: What do you mean? Why not?

  Garrett: Your mom decided to go with adoption.

  No . . .

  I read those words repeatedly, as if with enough willpower I could change them.

  I rushed to Big Paw’s house, where he and Holly were drinking their morning cups of coffee and fighting over a crossword puzzle.

  “Hey, um, I—there’s—my mom—” My gosh. I couldn’t push any words out of my mouth without them coming up jumbled and messy.

  “Slow down, honey. What is it?” Holly asked.

  “My mom had the baby, but it’s in the NICU. The hospital is three hours away, and I need to g-get there.” My fingernails dug into the palms of my hands. “And I think I’m too shaky to go by myself.”

  Big Paw stood from the table and grumbled a little as he picked up his trucker hat and placed it on
his head. “All right, let’s go.”

  Holly stood up and moved to the refrigerator. “I’ll pack you some snacks, and we’ll get going.” She pulled out a few pieces of fruit and some breakfast sandwiches she’d meal-prepped the other day. Then she walked over to me and gave me a big grin. “Don’t worry, Hazel. Everything is going to be okay.”

  “How do you know that? How can you say that everything will be okay? She’s in the NICU. I don’t know a lot about the NICU, but I know that means it’s not good. And . . . if Mama’s not able to be there with her . . . she’s all alone. She’s there alone, and that breaks my heart.”

  “Yes. I know how that can all be a lot, but for the time being, I’m sure she has a lot of doctors caring for her. I’m sure there are nurses looking at her, monitoring her every movement. She’s not alone, and soon enough her sister will be there too. So everything will be all right. You have to have faith.”

  I didn’t say anything else to Holly, because believing in her faith was hard when I hadn’t grown up in a world where faith really existed.

  We drove in silence, with nothing but sports radio on. Every now and again Big Paw would mutter something to the talk show hosts as if they could hear his complaints about bad baseball plays the night before.

  Holly sat in the front seat, knitting something she’d been working on for a while, and I sat quiet in the back, picking at my nails. Ian had texted me a few times, but I hadn’t found the strength to reply yet. My mind was too busy overthinking.

  How could Mama think putting my sister up for adoption was the right answer? I knew my current life situation wasn’t perfect, but I couldn’t imagine knowing that I had a sister out there who wasn’t a part of my life. I needed to fight to keep her in my life somehow.

  When we arrived at the hospital, by the grace of God, we were allowed to see my little sister. She hadn’t a name yet and was hooked up to a million and one machines. Tiny tubes ran into her body, and her small breaths wavered in and out as her chest moved up and down.