The Unbelievable Mr Brownstone Omnibus 3

by Michael Anderle

  A drunk man stumbled into Shay, knocking her hand and spilling some of her drink.

  Shay frowned and glared at him. A couple of years back she might have broken his arm for that, but she didn’t want to make any trouble for James or violate the neutrality of the Black Sun. Messing with Tyler didn’t bother her all that much, but these days messing with Tyler effectively meant making Maria’s life harder, too.

  But does it count as a neutrality thing if some asshole bumped into me?

  “Hey, you’re hot,” the man slurred. He grinned at Maria. “You, too. Lot of hot chicks in here, but I like ‘em athletic, and you both look athletic.”

  The back of Shay’s neck tingled. She realized the reason. The entire bar had gone silent. It was as if they expected her to take the man down.

  He’s an idiot, but he hasn’t done anything worth getting the shit kicked out of him yet.

  Shay pointed to her drink. “Can you watch where you’re going?”

  “Come on, baby. Don’t be that way.” The man’s gaze flicked between the two women for a second, and he grimaced. “Shit.” He put his hands out. “Fuck. I didn’t realize who I was talking to. Sorry. I’ve had a lot to drink. I’ll go pay for a new drink.” He rushed toward the bar.

  Chatter resumed around them.

  Maria sighed in relief. “I was enjoying my drink. Tyler always gets so pissy when there’s an incident. He whines about it for days, and when I point out he could just run a regular bar without so many criminals visiting, he complains about business opportunities.”

  Shay shrugged. “I didn’t invite you here to watch me kick some drunk’s ass. I invited you here to ask a favor. I’ve been dancing around it, but I might as well get to it.”

  “A favor? What?” Maria frowned. “I don’t do tomb raids. Fuck all those bats and spiders and crocodiles and crap.” She shuddered.

  “I don’t need you for a tomb raid.” Shay snickered. “I need a maid of honor.”

  Maria stared at Shay. “Not that I’m not flattered, but what about some of your other friends? You’ve known them a lot longer than me. Like Kayla or Bella?”

  “I’ve known them longer, but they haven’t really known me longer.”

  “I’m not following you.”

  “They’re my friends, and I hang out with them, but as far as they’re all concerned, I’m nothing but a feisty archaeologist who has had a series of rich boyfriends, continuing with James.” Shay shrugged. “And as much as I’ve calmed down in the few years, it’s not like any of them will ever be ready to know the truth about my past or even the tomb raiding. It’s just not safe for them, even though I’m sure they’d all find it interesting.”

  “You not inviting them to the wedding? I don’t want to cause any drama.”

  Shay shook her head. “No, I’m inviting them. They’ll be bridesmaids. I already asked them, and they’re all really happy about it. It’s just, knowing you have my back and I don’t have to lie to you will make this shit go down easier once I get it all figured out. You’re the first female friend I’ve had, Maria, who I can be completely honest with and who isn’t a professional killer—and a couple of those female killer friends tried to kill me.”

  “That’s a weird distinction, but I’ll take it.” Maria lifted her bottle. “I’ve been to tons of weddings, but I’ve never been a maid of honor before. I’m kind of like you. Lots of guy friends, especially cops in AET, not as many women friends.” She took a sip. “If you need help with anything, just let me know, and I’ll do my best.” Her eyes shifted to the side and a sly grin appeared. “You know, all this wedding talk has got a certain bartender-slash-information broker nervous. Very nervous.”

  Shay looked over her shoulder at Tyler. The man was busy preparing a drink and didn’t even notice her.

  “Really?” she asked.

  “Yeah. Every once in a while, he’ll idly ask me something about you and Brownstone and if I think you’re going into this too quickly. It’s obvious he wants me to answer yes.”

  “Too quickly?” Shay rolled her eyes. “We’re not teenagers who just started going steady after prom.”

  “I know, I know.” Maria waved a hand. “It’s all just a cover for his own insecurities. He’s worried I’m going to start sniffing around for a ring. Now he sees every interaction between us under the shadow of the ring.” She pointed at Shay’s engagement ring. “Every once in a while, I mess with him a little. I start hinting at it, and then I’ll reveal I was talking about something else entirely.”

  “And how do you really feel?” Shay raised an inquisitive eyebrow. “You pretty much live with him now.”

  “I like him. Do I love him?” Maria shrugged. “Hell if I know. I think we both need to spend more time adjusting to our new lives.”

  “So you’re not hoping for a ring from Tyler?”

  Maria offered an evil grin. “Not yet. It’s too damned entertaining watching him squirm. I hope it takes him a while before he works up the courage, but I’m not going to say I can’t see a future between us.” She sighed. “Fortunately, he’s not that interested in kids. It’s not like it’s come up a lot, but I did idly mention something to him once about how I sacrificed motherhood to be a cop, and that I was too old now.” She stopped and stared at Shay. “Have you discussed that with Brownstone?”

  “Kids?” Shay shrugged. “We already have a kid. Alison.”

  “Yeah, but maybe he wants a new one?”

  “Trust me, any kid not named Alison is the last thing on his mind.”

  You don’t get it, Maria. He’s not even human. Whispy might have rearranged him a little, but he’s an alien who just looks human.

  Huh. Maybe that’s why he’s never even brought it up. Oh, well. We both have Alison to keep us busy.

  Shay turned again to look at Tyler. This time he noticed her and frowned, his eyes darting back and forth as if he suspected the women were plotting against him.

  “The dominoes will really start to fall once James and I fully pull the trigger,” she mentioned.

  “Have you thought about a date yet?” Maria asked.

  “Yeah, but I haven’t come close to deciding. I know I want it to be in the summer so Alison’s not at school. I’m leaning toward next summer. A year isn’t too long, and it should give us plenty of time to get all this shit figured out.”

  “And Brownstone doesn’t have any crazy ideas for the wedding?” Maria nodded toward the big-screen tv on the wall. “He’s not planning to do some sort of big battle royal or something, is he?”

  “No, he just wants a bunch of barbeque served at the wedding. He doesn’t mind if we serve other food, though.”

  Maria laughed. “That’s not so bad. Depending on who you invite, they might prefer barbeque over some sort of fancy chicken or fish.”

  “Maybe. His only other requirements are that his priest does the ceremony and that it not be conducted on Oriceran.”

  Maria lifted her bottle to her lips but paused. “Not on Oriceran? Did you want to have your wedding on Oriceran?” She took a drink.

  “No.” Shay shook her head. “The idea just came up when we were discussing things. Honestly, I have no fucking idea what I want, and now I feel kind of bad for what I put James through with the proposal.”

  “Maybe instant karma is a real thing.”

  Shay smirked. “Karma for a tough proposal but not for my first career?”

  “Didn’t you mostly take out pieces of shit anyway?”

  Shay thought that over for a few seconds before nodding. “You have a point.” She polished off the rest of her martini and took a deep breath. “I have a lot of thinking to do. I’m not even sure who I’m going to invite. I probably should figure out that first.”

  “Probably. Unless you want to do a spite wedding.”

  “’Spite wedding?’”

  “Yes.” Maria nodded. “It’s something a cousin of mine did. She had a wedding and invited several people she liked and a lot she hated, and then p
urposely sat them at shit tables in the back during the reception right next to the speakers and that sort of thing.”

  Shay scoffed. “I tend to kill the people I hate.”

  “That’s another way to handle it.”

  8

  It’s a great day to be alive, Lyle thought. A very great day to be alive.

  He whistled as the glass doors slid open, and he stepped into the office building. He waved at the security guard. “How are we doing today? Great weather, am I right?”

  “Great weather, sir,” the man responded, his voice a near monotone and his eyes glassy. “Excellent weather, sir.”

  “I’m really loving the weather here. I should have moved to LA years ago.” Lyle clapped once. “No wonder this place got so popular.” He snapped his fingers. “Wait, you remembered to eat and sleep this time, right?” He shook his head. “You won’t do me any good if you don’t eat and sleep. You’re my main man. My favorite security guard.”

  The man gave a quick nod. “Yes, sir. I did. Thank you for asking.”

  Lyle patted him on the shoulder. “Thanks. Let me know if anything comes up. I’m heading back to my office to…I don’t know, plan some more. Make sure you keep anyone out unless they’re delivering something.”

  “Of course, sir.” The security guard turned back toward the front door.

  Lyle walked past the empty front desk. At some point, he’d need to get a secretary, but he was still unsure if his puppets could perform very complicated tasks. As his experiments with the guard the last few days had proven, it was far too easy for a puppet to take his commands too literally.

  It wouldn’t be any fun to have an army of servants he needed to instruct about everything. A god needed proper worshippers, not puppets who didn’t care about what they were doing.

  Maybe I just need to hire a few people. If they work for me for a while and see how impressive I am, they’ll start worshipping me, and other people will, too.

  Lyle stepped into the hallway and headed toward his new office. It’d probably be temporary, as he imagined someone would eventually look into why the insurance adjusters in the office had all disappeared and stopped paying their bills, but the few deliveries so far had been easy enough to handle.

  Doesn’t everyone hate insurance companies anyway? Won’t that slow things down? Maybe I should take over a lawyer’s office next.

  Lyle opened the door and moved to the chair behind the massive mahogany desk. He sat down and folded his hands in front of him. Thanks to Sarkazian’s funds transfer, Lyle now had millions of dollars to play around with. As long as he was careful, he could use that to legitimately buy his own building and hire staff he didn’t have to personally control, but there was one small problem.

  The man frowned and brought up a web browser. He had the smarts and ambition, but he didn’t have a decent plan. Wasting his power on something petty would be pointless. No, if he wanted to be a god, he needed to start doing things worthy of a god, or at least someone powerful.

  Is this what they call a failure of imagination?

  Conquering the underworld seemed like one possibility, but that’d place him in contact with not just common gangsters but dangerous magical beings who might anticipate his abilities and be more resistant. Simple, easy fraud through mind-control seemed a profitable if boring bet.

  Lyle decided he needed a few billion dollars. After a few billion dollars, buying influence would be trivial.

  If I end up the richest man in the world, everyone will treat me as a god. Then I can hire whoever I want, and people won’t even question it. This is the perfect plan. I can’t see how it could possibly go wrong.

  The only thing Lyle was sure of was he needed to collect a few additional puppets immediately. As disappointing as his lack of current worshippers was, managing staff was still something he didn’t know how to do well. But in the short-term, he needed to ensure he was protected.

  A close encounter with a car the previous night had made it clear that he had to see a threat coming to deal with it. While the incident had revolved around a potential car accident, the next time it might be a PDA agent. A few bodyguards would help with that.

  Now the age-old question: quantity or quality? Better double-check to see if anyone’s looking for me. Don’t want to go out and get knocked out by some lucky cop, but a few extras might be helpful to keep cops off my ass when the time comes.

  Lyle tapped LOS ANGELES EXPLOSION into his browser and clicked on the first link returned. A video on a local news site auto-played.

  A square-jawed, dark-haired reporter stood in front of a massive crater with a serious look on his face. Men and women in FBI jackets and suited witches and wizards in PDA jackets, their wands out, combed the crater.

  The chyron below read, PDA and FBI still investigating unexplained magical explosion in Sherman Oaks.

  “This is going to work out better than I hoped,” Lyle murmured.

  “The investigation continues into the recent unexplained explosion that was responsible for the confirmed death of at least fourteen people and the injury of eighteen others in Sherman Oaks,” the reporter explained. “At this time, the PDA has confirmed that the explosion was magical in nature and centered on the crater you see behind me, where previously a large luxury home stood. The owner of the home, businessman John Sarkazian, is currently unaccounted for and is believed to have been killed in the explosion. Due to the high level of magical background residue, the PDA is having trouble isolating the number of victims at this location, given all the other injuries and deaths in the nearby homes.”

  The camera panned to the side to reveal several scorched houses, walls and roofs blown off.

  “I am so impressive.” Lyle clapped and grinned. He never got tired of seeing the destruction he’d wrought.

  After the camera returned to the reporter, he nodded in the direction of a nearby PDA witch who crouched near the edge of the crater, her glowing wand cycling through different colors and her face pinched in concentration.

  “Although the PDA personnel are being tightlipped, an anonymous source has informed me that this explosion was likely the result of a highly dangerous and illegal magical item called an ‘elemental fusion crystal.’ The question of why one or more of these crystals would be present in this home remains open to investigation. The authorities are asking anyone who has any information about this incident to contact the local FBI. However, the authorities have made clear that they do not believe this incident represents a continuing threat to the public at large.”

  Lyle leaned back in his chair with a huge smile on his face. He wasn’t sure how much the PDA would figure out, but it sounded like he was in the clear. After all, they’d have no reason to suspect someone like him. That was one advantage of coming into power only recently.

  “I’m getting away with so much, and I didn’t even have to do much except flatten a neighborhood.” Lyle rubbed his hands together in excitement. “I really am a god.”

  Complicated schemes involving controlling the mayor or chief of police would be the most practical, but they didn’t seem as fun. What was the point of being a god if you had to hide half the time?

  Lyle sighed, his dreams crashing back to Earth in the shadow of practical details. He needed more money, more influence, and more power, and once he had that, LA would become the seat of his new kingdom.

  No one’s going to be able to stop me because they don’t even know about me.

  Shay yawned as she slipped into bed. James was already in bed on the other side reading a news article on his phone about the big explosion. His brow was furrowed and his eyes were moving back and forth.

  “They find out anything new yet on that?” Shay set the alarm on her phone and laid it on the nightstand. “Definitely wasn’t a gas explosion. I can’t even believe they were suggesting it might be.”

  “PDA confirmed it was those crystals.” James grunted. “The FBI is now saying they think Sarkazian might have been a member
of New Veil.”

  Shay snorted. “That’s some poetic justice, then. If he was one of those assholes, he was probably messing around with some crap he shouldn’t have and blew his ass up. The only shitty part is that he took innocent people with him. Fucking terrorist nut-jobs.”

  James nodded. “I was wondering if this shit would lead to some big local bounty, but you’re right. It just sounds like some assholes who should have been more careful. No one’s left to hunt down since they’re all smears in that crater.”

  “Big bounty?” Shay peered at him. “Oh, you wanted a level five to round out the summer?”

  “It’s not a big deal. I’m not doing any special shit after the summer, so I can always take on bounties.” James shrugged. “It’s not about that.”

  “Then what is it about?”

  “Kicking those dust-dealers’ asses the other day was fun, but Whispy’s right. I need tougher enemies if I’m gonna get stronger. I need challenges for him and me.”

  “Huh?” Shay blinked. “Since when do you care what that whiny-ass killing machine has to say? You could be throwing asteroids at guys and he’d still be bitching about you getting stronger.”

  James set his phone down. “I thought all this shit would be over when I dealt with that crazy alien bitch, but then her buddy showed up. I probably could have taken them out if I had gone into extended advanced mode, but they’d probably just send another guy or multiple ships. He likely wasn’t wrong when he said he could kill me by bombing me.”

  “So what? Johnston did his thing, and now they’re leaving you alone. There’s no reason to trust the government, but I think they don’t want to let aliens do whatever the fuck they want either.”

  James frowned. “Wait, I thought you were the one telling me not to trust the government?”

  Shay nodded. “Yeah, I don’t think you should trust the government not to screw with you, but I think they’ll actually keep the Alliance off you for their own reasons. Don’t trust them. Use them.”