The Unbelievable Mr Brownstone Omnibus 3

by Michael Anderle

  “I really don’t give a shit about what the Nine Systems Alliance thinks or knows. It’s got nothing to do with Earth or me.” James holstered his gun and headed toward his kitchen. “You want some brisket?”

  The man laughed. “You were serious about that?”

  “If there’s one thing I’m always serious about, it’s fucking barbeque.” James opened his refrigerator and removed a foil-wrapped plate. “Reheating it isn’t the best, but it’s still decent.”

  “I’m fine.” The man waved a hand. “I ate before I came here.”

  James eyed him with suspicion, wondering what the man ate. From what Shay had said, Erin could eat human food, but maybe that was some sort of nanite trick.

  “Fine.” James put the plate back in the refrigerator and closed the door. He pointed to the dining room table before heading in there to take a seat. “So who the fuck are you anyway, other than an alien with a death wish?”

  “Alien?” the man replied before taking his own seat. “That’s an odd term when you think about it, considering the bizarre magical species you have running all over this planet. Aren’t they just as alien?”

  James shrugged. “Don’t really give a fuck. To me, an alien is someone who comes from outer space. Oricerans come from Oriceran. Foreigners come from other countries. Simple shit.”

  The man gave him a tight smile. “You came from outer space originally too, Mr. Brownstone.”

  “Yes, and I’m not going to ask again.” James glared at him. “Who the fuck are you?”

  “Sentry 8224, Senior Shepherd Corayailaxi Jakimalitta.” Several of the syllables in his names contained odd clicking that didn’t sound like something a normal humanoid could make.

  “That’s a fucking mouthful. It must suck when people have to sing you Happy Birthday.”

  The Shepherd smiled. “On Earth, I go by Corey Jakima.”

  James nodded, looking him up and down. “You also a Smurf?”

  Corey’s smile faded. “A Smurf? I’m afraid I’m not following you, Mr. Brownstone.”

  “Blue people, like Erin North’s true form.”

  Understanding spread across the alien’s face. “I see. No, I’m not a…Smurf, as you call it. I’m a different species, but I assure you I represent the Nine Systems Alliance’s interests on Earth. We want to see how those interests might coincide or oppose those of the Vax on the Earth, and that’s what I’m here to discuss today.”

  James growled. “I don’t represent the Vax on Earth or their fucking interests.”

  Engage and kill enemy, Whispy demanded. Achieve maximum adaptation.

  Shut it. I don’t want to fight this guy in my neighborhood.

  James gritted his teeth. He might have made a mistake in bringing the Shepherd to his house instead of meeting him in the middle of nowhere, like maybe the Salton Sea.

  Corey folded his hands in front of him. “You’re wearing a Vax symbiont. Even if you don’t want to serve their interests, you’re doing just that by bonding that thing.”

  “You don’t know shit about me. You grew up on some planet far away. I grew up here. I go to church here. I’m getting married to a human woman. I know what the fuck a Smurf is.”

  “Yes, I’m aware of all those fascinating contradictions and facts.” Corey stared at him. “The thing you’ve admitted to wearing doesn’t care about any of that. It only cares about death and killing, and don’t try to lie to me and tell me it doesn’t. It’s rare for us to have captured a Vax, but it’s not unprecedented. We’ve gained valuable intel from them.”

  Engage and kill enemy, Whispy sent on cue.

  James shrugged. “I’m the one calling the shots here, not him, so it doesn’t fucking matter what he wants. So, why are you here, Corey? Is this the part where you threaten to nuke my house or some shit? Tell me to surrender for the good of everyone I care about?”

  “I’m not here to make idle threats.” Corey kept a smile on his face.

  James didn’t like it. The Shepherd reminded him of a fake-ass politician. He wanted to punch the fucker in the face.

  “Then why are you here?” the bounty hunter asked.

  “To have a frank and honest exchange of ideas in a less tense environment than you had with our last representative,” Corey replied, leaning back in his chair. “I can understand how getting ambushed on the highway would have upset you and made you ill-inclined to take the offer.”

  “Does the government know you’re here?” James asked. “I mean the American government, not your Council of Federated Aliens or whatever.”

  Corey shrugged. “I honestly have no idea. Unfortunately, access to magic means that your government has ways of tracking me that I can’t easily counter. I presume they do, but it doesn’t matter. We’ve agreed to not try to abduct or kill you. Talking to you isn’t a hostile act in and of itself.”

  James grunted. “Whatever. So fucking talk about whatever it is you want to talk about.”

  Corey pointed at the bounty hunter’s chest. “How much do you really understand about the purpose of that thing? Your intended purpose?”

  “I know about all the Forerunner shit, but I’m not summoning the Vanguard, so fuck off.”

  The plastic smile on the alien’s human guise grew wider. “Oh? And what happens after the Vanguard arrives? Do you know?”

  James’ mouth twitched. He hadn’t thought about it much, or the implications, but when Whispy had revealed his conflicting primary directives, there was one brief detail that was chilling in its implications.

  “From the look on your face,” Corey stated, “you do know.”

  “Symbiont matrix-sharing,” James muttered. “And the Destroyers.”

  Kill the enemy, Whispy all but shouted in his mind. Kill the enemy. Kill the enemy. Kill the enemy.

  Shut the fuck up, or I’ll hand you over to this asshole so he can dissect you.

  Entering partial quiescence. Full tactical abilities no longer available.

  James resisted his impulse to snort. His symbiont was pouting and flouncing, but at least he had shut up.

  “Yes.” Corey nodded slowly, new respect in his eyes for James. “And do you understand the full implications of what you just said, particularly the matrix-sharing?”

  “There’s some way for my symbiont to transfer a lot of the defense shit to another Vax?”

  Corey’s expression turned grave. “Partially, at least. Interestingly enough, most Forerunners still seem to start from near scratch, from what we’ve seen, and to the best of our knowledge, most Vax don’t leave their target planets, which might explain why your people were forced to do that. That’s not always the case, though.”

  “I want to make one thing clear. I might have been born there, but they aren’t my people.” James furrowed his brow. “I wasn’t supposed to be here. My parents were rebels or heretics or whatever the fuck you want to call them. They reprogrammed the symbiont and sent me to Oriceran as a young kid, but someone on Oriceran kicked me over here, and the symbiont changed me to be more human to blend in.”

  “As interesting and unusual as all that is, it doesn’t change the fundamental truth that should the Vax come here, they could easily gain access to decades of unusual defensive adaptation by your symbiont. Something like that would be unprecedented. Do you understand that, Mr. Brownstone?” Corey raised an eyebrow in question. “And the fact that there are two directly connected worlds means a greater risk for both. Given the rarity of magic in the galaxy, they might just take you back to your homeworld anyway.”

  James shook his head. “The way I see it, if you assholes can show up and threaten people, then so can they, and if they come, then me and Whispy need to be around to kick their asses.”

  “You think you have a chance against your own people?” Corey snorted. “Think about it for a second. I’m sure their symbionts will be even better adapted for battle because they didn’t get prematurely sent off to another planet. We don’t fully understand the Vax training process
, but I will note that no Vax symbiont who has ever attacked an Alliance planet or any planet in an Alliance-adjacent system has ever been bonded to a child.”

  “So your big plan is that I should give you my symbiont?” James’ threats to the symbiont aside, there was no way he would ever do that. He ripped open his shirt to reveal the sunken amulet and his tendril-riddled chest. “This is what you want?”

  Corey shuddered in revulsion. “Yes. If you claim to care so much about Earth, the best way to protect the planet would be giving us the symbiont, even if you don’t choose to come along with us. At a minimum, it reduces the sharing risk, and there’s a good chance that because of your unusual background, we might be able to get viable information from it.”

  “Let’s get one thing straight, asshole. There’s no fucking way I’m leaving Earth, and considering how nuts your friend went, I’m not convinced the Nine Systems Alliance is that much better than the Vax. I need to keep Wh…my symbiont in case I need to fight you.”

  The other man stared at him in tense silence for several seconds. “The Alliance doesn’t lay waste to planets or cut down civilians to sate murderous bloodlust. We didn’t bring the war to the Vax; they brought it to us, and to other civilizations throughout the galaxy. Earth had the potential to be safe because of its unique relationship with Oriceran and the presence of magic, but let me stress the past tense: it had. Now that you’ve run around developing defenses to everything, you could easily be the key to the destruction and betrayal of your adopted planet, Mr. Brownstone.”

  “You don’t know shit about me. Stop pretending like you do.”

  Corey’s smile turned venomous. “You mentioned church earlier. I’ve studied much of human culture. It’s necessary as a Shepherd, and it’s taught me interesting things.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like maybe the Vax will even give you thirty pieces of silver for your help.”

  James slammed his fist on the table so hard it cracked. “Fuck you, asshole,” he growled.

  Quiescence terminated. Sufficient power for advanced transformation. Initiate transformation?

  No. You will fucking do no such thing.

  Kill the enemy. Kill the enemy. Kill the enemy.

  James couldn’t say he wasn’t tempted. He took a few deep breaths. If he changed now, the Shepherd would probably call in some sort of orbital strike, thinking he was going to die anyway. The one thing James had learned about these Alliance aliens was that they were all sanctimonious, self-righteous pricks.

  “It seems I’ve agitated you, Mr. Brownstone.” Corey tapped his bracelet. “But I didn’t do it without purpose. I did it to make it clear that you will doom this planet if you continue as you have. If you claim affinity and loyalty to Earth, then you’ll need to at the least turn over the symbiont.”

  “Get the fuck out of my house before I show you how vicious a Vax can be.”

  Corey stood and nodded. “If you want to speak to me, just get hold of Senator Johnston. He has the means to contact me.”

  “I’m not fucking talking to you ever again unless it’s to tear out your heart.”

  “I see.” Corey headed toward the door. “Just keep this in mind, Mr. Brownstone. Do you honestly think the Vax will never come here?”

  James shook his head, his heart still thundering and Whispy shouting for death in his mind. “I’ll handle my own messes if they become a problem, but so far, the only aliens I know about who have threatened the Earth are the Alliance.”

  “Unfortunate.” Corey opened the door and sighed. “I’m sorry we couldn’t come to an understanding.”

  “Let me make this crystal-fucking-clear. If you come after me or any of my friends, I will track you down and I will kill you, even if I have to come all the way to your planet to do it.”

  They locked eyes for a few seconds before Corey turned away.

  “I don’t doubt you for one second, Mr. Brownstone.” The alien stepped outside and closed the door.

  James stared at the door as Whispy continuing ranting.

  Engage and kill enemy for maximum adaptation. Engage and kill significant tactical threat.

  Oh, so now you’re trying to goad me into it for other reasons? You can fuck off as much as he can.

  James slowly stood. With neither Shay nor Alison there, the only living thing around who could calm him would be Thomas. He’d put the dog in the backyard in case a fight broke out.

  “Fucking Alliance. Fucking Vax. I hope you assholes kill each other.”

  5

  The days passed without alien visitors, ambushes, or even a decent bounty daring to show his face, all of which allowed James to sink back into the pleasing mundane of his beautiful girlfriend, his dog, and his barbeque. Every once in a while, though, a stray thought about the encounter with the new Shepherd returned.

  This shit’s not gonna go away, is it? The fucker’s not gonna go all vigilante and start attacking AET, but I don’t think he’s just gonna accept my Vax ass sitting around here doing whatever the fuck I want. He doesn’t seem the type. Which means I’m gonna have to solve this problem my own way.

  Shit. Why couldn’t I get the alien version of the lazy government worker who doesn’t give a shit?

  As James sat in his recliner watching Barbeque Wars: The Next Generation, he thought through some of the implications of taking the fight to the Alliance even though he didn’t think they would try anything anytime soon.

  That didn’t matter. A man could never be free when another man was pointing a gun at his back and threatening to shoot.

  Fuck. I could take them out here on Earth, but they’ll just send someone else, or a whole army or some shit, and it’s not like I can take out a whole alien military. Not unless they land, anyway, and I doubt I’ll get that lucky.

  For a brief second, a flicker of excitement popped up at the idea of challenging an Alliance army by himself. James grunted and shook his head. Whispy might constantly prod him to fight, but it wasn’t like he didn’t enjoy a good solid ass-kicking even when he wasn’t bonded to the symbiont.

  Is that because I’m a Vax or because I’m from a shitty part of LA?

  James spared a quick glance at Shay. She had told him not to worry about the Alliance. She’d suggested they would just finish off the new Alliance asshole if he tried something, but he knew she’d been worried when they’d been confronted on the highway.

  The one thing James didn’t like was the idea of Shay getting caught up in an alien showdown. The last Shepherd had handed Trey and the AET their asses. As tough as Shay was, she wouldn’t win against hyper-advanced technology, and she wasn’t a living WMD like James and Whispy together.

  If the Alliance hurts Shay, I’ll make the Vax seem like kittens in comparison. I’ll fucking blow every planet they have to pieces. I hope those fuckers understand that.

  James took a deep breath and forced his attention back to the television. He wanted to push the dark thoughts out. Everyone he cared about was safe, and he had powerful backing in the government. Shay’s little experiments had even given him a new useful advantage. He didn’t have anything to fear from the Alliance, who were not only afraid of him but also of starting a war with Earth and Oriceran.

  Everything’s fine. Don’t need to make shit more complicated by looking for more problems than I already have.

  “In honor of the coming Thanksgiving,” explained one of the contestants on the show, a middle-aged man who insisted on wearing a suit while cooking as part of his schtick, “I’ve got this cranberry-centered sauce I’m going to use on the chicken for the challenge. I call it Thank Sauce, and I’m thankful for my Grandmama, who gave me the recipe.”

  The judges all laughed. James was unimpressed by the joke. The shit was weak as a Harriken, but the comment did remind him of something important.

  “Thanksgiving, huh?” James murmured. “Damn.”

  Shay looked over from the table, where she was tapping away on a laptop. “What about it? Is there so
me special two-for-one on bounties if you bring them in on Thanksgiving this year?”

  James muted the TV and looked her way. “It was a big deal at the orphanage when I was growing up. We all appreciated that it might be shitty to be in an orphanage, but at least we were taken care of, especially when the gates to Oriceran started opening and everything went to shit for a while. Thanksgiving and Christmas were the two times of the year the staff and the priests did their best to make us not feel like orphans. It used to mean something, but after I left, I stopped giving a shit. No family to share it with.”

  “My family was sporadic with Thanksgiving, and I never cared much either after I left home.” Shay shrugged. “I was thankful every day I didn’t end up dead. The turkey we had last year was tasty, though. You’ve got a way with meat, James. I’ll give you that.”

  “The School of Necessary Magic doesn’t send the kids home for Thanksgiving.” James grunted. “That’s bullshit.”

  “I know. It’s not like I wasn’t around for Alison’s first two years of school.” Shay chuckled. “They don’t have young kids there, and it’s a good way for the kids to get used to life without their families. I also assume they don’t want people traveling back and forth too much from the school. They are still trying to keep it mostly secret.”

  “Fucking stupid, if you ask me. The gates are opening, so hiding magic seems like a waste of time. When we’ve got crazy-ass witches walking the streets summoning demons, hiding schools seems pointless.”

  Shay shook her head. “I don’t know about that. To me, that seems to be all the more reason to hide that shit. There are more than a few anti-magic and anti-Oriceran terrorists out there. Would you be comfortable if the HDL or New Veil knew about that school?”

  James grunted. “Just saying it might be nice if Alison could have come home so we could establish more family traditions. We do stuff at Christmas and the Fourth of July, but Thanksgiving is supposed to be the ultimate family holiday, and we even have Thomas now.”

  Shay eyed the dog slumbering in the middle of the living room. “You do realize he’s just a dog and not the reincarnation of that priest, right?”