Lessons of the Heart

by Jodie Larson

  “Chase,” I say in surprise.

  “Hey, Britt. What’s going on? How come you’re not in class?” he asks, eyeing me skeptically. Unease settles in as I watch his eyes roam over my body before settling in on my lips. “What happened to your mouth?” he asks. A slight sneer forms on his lips and I bring trembling fingers up to what I know are to be swollen lips; swollen from the kisses James was giving me during school hours.

  My chest heaves as I attempt to breathe. A new wave of panic rises inside me, threatening to crumble the stability I just had moments before.

  “Um, I don’t know. Why? Is there something wrong with them?” It’s lame at best because I know he’s not buying it.

  Chase turns his head toward the alcove, trying to see who might still be in there. Please let James escape without Chase seeing him I think to myself. I have to keep Chase away from there because if he sees James there is no way that I’ll be able to talk myself out of this one. We’ll both be fried.

  “Who are you hiding?” he asks, returning his gaze to me.

  “N-no one,” I say shakily.

  He starts to move toward the stairs and my heart beats wildly in my chest. Is it possible to have a heart attack at eighteen? My vision blurs slightly and I start to feel like a weight is pressing down on my shoulders, slowly trying to sink me to the ground.

  “Britta?” I hear a voice call out.

  I turn and see Penny running down the hall. She quickly runs over to us and her big green eyes are filled with concern as she takes in my appearance. I must look like death because she runs her hands up and down my arms before resting them on my shoulders.

  “Britta? Chase, what in the hell did you do to her?” she asks. Penny starts to turn me toward the stairs to sit down, but I furiously shake my head. I glance over my shoulder to give her a clue that we can’t go over there.

  “I didn’t do anything to her. I found her picking her stuff up off the floor and then noticed her lips were bruised so I wanted to know what happened. Then she grew pale and almost fainted.”

  Slowly my reasoning is starting to sink in and can feel the strength return to my limbs. “I’m fine you two. Quit fussing over me. I just needed a minute to breathe.”

  I lean against the wall, making sure that Chase’s back is facing toward the staircase so James can escape. Only there’s no movement coming from under there. I try to squint without making it obvious that I’m looking for something, but he’s not there. He must have been able to escape while Chase was distracted by me. Oh, thank God.

  “Your color is coming back so that’s a good thing. Let me take you to the nurse. Maybe you should go home,” Penny says.

  I shake my head again and push off the wall. “No, I’m okay. Just lightheaded from standing up too fast I guess.”

  Chase shoves his hands into his pockets and kicks an invisible rock. “You looked fine until I started asking questions,” he says suspiciously.

  “Well, then you need to keep to yourself. Don’t think that we’ve forgotten what you tried to do to her over winter break,” Penny snaps.

  Chase flinches at her harsh words. I raise a hand to her to stop a potential tirade. Chase’s sullen expression makes me feel horrible for how I’ve treated him the last few months since the incident.

  “Look, I’ve said I was sorry about a million different ways. It was stupid and foolish and no one is more ashamed of how I acted than me. I know it’s not an excuse but the pills I got from one of the guys really messed with my head and the large amounts of alcohol didn’t help matters either.” He looks back at me with sadness in his eyes. “I’m really, truly, very sorry Britt. Can we please put this behind us? I just want things to go back to normal. We only have a few more months together and I really would like my friend back.”

  There’s a good chance he’s sincere in his apology this time. But a part of me wonders if it’s a front because he knows something is going on with me; that I’m keeping some big secret or leading some double life. Which I am. Technically. But at the same time I remember the Chase of the past; the one who gave me his popsicle in the park when we were six because mine fell on the ground. Or the one where he punched Billy Simon in the mouth because he laughed at me when I spilled red Kool-Aid all over my white dress after the choir concert in eighth grade.

  I look to Penny, who is shaking her head at me. Letting out a sigh I extend my hand to him and give a half smile. “Friends?” I ask.

  He beams brightly as he shakes my hand. “Friends,” he says, letting his hand linger over mine just a bit too long. I pull my hand away and hug my notebook to me.

  “We better get going. You’ve missed almost the entire class and I’m supposed to be going to the bathroom,” Penny says, pulling on my elbow. I nod and follow her down the hall, leaving Chase standing there with a stupid smile on his face.

  “What were you thinking back there?” Penny hisses at me when we turn the corner. We pause at the end of the hall and she turns me sharply to face her.

  I shrug. “I don’t know. All I know is that I had to do something otherwise he would have found James.”

  Penny backs away slightly. “Are you shitting me right now? James? What in the hell is wrong with you? It’s the middle of the day and you were out in the open. Have you lost your goddamn mind?”

  My lower lip trembles slightly. “I know. God, it was stupid of us, but we honestly weren’t thinking. I ran into him after I left Mr. Leonard’s office and then one thing led to another…” I trail off because if I continue to talk I’m afraid my voice will betray me. And I don’t want to go to class looking like I’ve just had a meltdown, even though I kind of am.

  Penny hugs me tightly and sighs. “You two are going to be the death of me. You’re lucky I love you and by proxy him since you love him.”

  I nod and hold her tight, forcing my emotions back where they belong. We pull away and wipe at the tears threatening to fall from both our eyes.

  “Come on, let’s get to class before we really get into trouble,” she says, pulling me back down the hall.

  But I can’t focus as I sit in the remainder of the class. My mind keeps wandering to James and how his lips felt on mine and the fear I felt when Chase almost caught us. Again. We were careless and stupid. We need to contain ourselves otherwise this is going to end and not in a good way. So I resolve to talk to him next hour when I’m in his office doing my job. Two more days of alone time with James is all we have left before going back to pretending and then only two more months until we don’t have to pretend at all.

  Two more months.

  A KNOCK STARTLES ME FROM where I sit at James’s desk. Bringing my head up, I can’t help the smile that forms as bright green eyes look me over from where he stands in the doorway.

  “Hey,” I breathe, unable to speak above a whisper.

  “Hey,” he says and walks into the room. He looks behind him quickly before shutting the door halfway, giving us some semblance of privacy. I’m pulled quickly from the chair and into his waiting arms, resting my head against his shoulder. Turning into his neck, I take a deep inhale and let his soothing scent calm my fried nerves.

  “I was so scared before. I thought Chase was going to find you and then we’d be dead.”

  James gently holds the back of my head while running his other hand up and down my back, quieting my nerves.

  “He didn’t see me. I slipped out when you were picking up your stuff and he was preoccupied with you.”

  He’s gritting his teeth and the vein on the side of his neck pulses with anger. It makes me smile as I melt further into him. He didn’t see him. Thank you, God.

  I pull away and force a weak smile. “We can’t do this anymore. Not in school. It’s too dangerous and we’re getting too careless. I mean, can you imagine the ramifications if Chase had seen us? You’d be fired and I’d be…I don’t know. Shunned? Kicked out of school?”

  He cups my cheek and places a kiss on my forehead. “I agree. We’re getting a littl
e careless. I never should have kissed you like that during the school day. But I just couldn’t help myself. You looked exactly the same as you did the first day I met you and I guess I wanted to act on my feelings rather than keep them bottled up inside like I did that day.”

  My head tilts to the side in question. “What do you mean act on your feelings? Are you saying you wanted to kiss me like that when you flattened me out on my ass that day too?”

  James smiles and sits me back down in his chair. Pulling up the extra one, he sits across from me and holds my hand in his.

  “Yeah, I did. Seeing you looking at me with the same expression on your face as that first time, it did something to me. It took my breath away, just like that first day. You are and will always be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.”

  It still amazes me each and every time he’s able to take my breath away with the simplest of words.

  “You’re too good to me. I don’t deserve you.”

  He shakes his head and smiles while his thumb continues drawing circles on the back of my hand. “We’re good for each other. Never forget that. You fill a void in me I never knew was there. All it takes is to hear your sweet voice and my heart jumps into my throat. You are, without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I’m going to love you until the day I die and then forever after that.”

  I bite my lower lip and smile. “Promise?”

  He laughs lightly and kisses my lips. “Promise.”

  We sit and stare at each other for a few more minutes until voices down the hall bring us back to reality.

  Right.

  Teacher’s aide.

  Teacher.

  School.

  Professional.

  “Well, Mr. Dumont. In running the risk of getting into trouble, I think you better eat your lunch out in the lounge with the other teachers while I work on my assignments here. I mean, you do only have my services for the next two days so you better make good use of them.”

  A sparkle in his eye lets me know that what he’s thinking has nothing to do with the assignments I’m correcting for him.

  “Dirty,” I mouth, reading his thoughts before he has a chance to put a voice to them.

  He laughs and kisses the crown of my head.

  “Later.”

  “Okay.”

  Another quick kiss on my lips and then he’s out the door with a smirk. Smartass I think as I regain my composure and try to focus on the assignments in front of me.

  “No, no, no!” I cry, hitting my hands against the steering wheel of my car. Great. The stupid thing is dead. Of course, I hadn’t taken Liam’s advice and brought it to the auto shop when it wasn’t turning over right away yesterday. Ignoring the problem is so much more efficient. Until you’re stuck in the parking lot of the school when everyone else is gone.

  “Perfect.”

  I pull out my phone and start to dial Liam’s number.

  Tap, tap, tap.

  I jump in my seat and turn to face the noise, only to be greeted by the most beautiful sight in the world.

  “James,” I say, opening my door quickly. “Thank God you’re here.”

  “What’s wrong?” he asks. He shoves his hands into the pockets of his coat. We’re still on school property and who knows if anyone is still lurking around so we’re not about to make the same mistake as we did earlier.

  “My stupid car won’t start. I think the battery is dead.”

  He places his briefcase on the ground then opens my car door to pull the latch for the hood release.

  “Let me see,” he says, opening up the hood and sticking his head inside.

  I stand and watch as he checks several things out, pushing against the battery cables and double checking my oil levels. There is something so utterly sexy watching him as he tinkers around under the hood of my car, which, of course, makes me think of him tinkering around underneath my hood. My thighs squeeze together at the thought and I know I’m blushing because I can feel the heat flash across my cheeks.

  “Reminding you of something?” he smirks, catching my eye. My blush increases and I slowly make my way over to where he’s standing. His cologne drifts my way on a light breeze, letting it swirl around me. It makes me crave him even more than I already do.

  “Shut up. So what’s wrong with my car?” I try to play it off and act cool and collected, but it’s hard when he’s around. And it doesn’t help that he knows exactly which buttons to press to send me into a frenzy. Something he’s more than capable of doing at any given time.

  “For sure your battery is fried. See the corrosion around here?” he says, pointing to the white crusty stuff where the cables connect. I nod and pretend like I know what he’s talking about. “That’s not good. You’ll need a new one. Can you give Liam a call and see if he’ll pick one up?”

  “I could, I suppose. I’ll just have to stay here by myself until then,” I say, wondering if he’ll take the bait.

  “Nonsense. I’m not about to leave a teenage girl in an empty parking lot alone at night.”

  That stings, whether or not he intended it to hurt doesn’t matter. It’s the fact that he called me a teenage girl. No one 's listening to us so there isn’t any reason why he would have to say it.

  He must have caught my flinch because his eyes instantly soften while he frowns. “Oh shit, Britta, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

  I wrap my arms around my middle and take a step back. “No, it’s fine. You’re right. I am a teenage girl in a parking lot by myself. You were just telling the truth.”

  My chest hurts and for the first time it’s not from an ache of longing. The pain that is slicing through me is because, for the first time since I’ve known him, this is where our difference in age and status has really been apparent. He’s a teacher and I’m a student. He’s twenty-two, almost twenty-three, and I’m eighteen. And as we stand here in the school parking lot, it’s smacking me directly in the face.

  James is reading my face and gauging my emotions as I’m sure they’re written all over my expression. He looks around cautiously, making sure that we truly are alone in the parking lot and hidden from the roadway. I try to take another step back, but he catches my arm and pulls me into his chest.

  “God, sweetheart, that’s not what I meant. I just had to get out of my professional head for a moment to remember that this is you I’m talking to.” He presses his lips against my forehead and sighs. “You are more than just some teenage girl to me and you know it.”

  “Am I?” My voice sounds weak and I hate it right now. My emotions are getting the best of me because I know what I am to this man. I’m the exact same thing to him as he is to me. We’re equals. We’re meant to be together. We have to be. Otherwise, all this hardship and struggling would be for nothing. And I know better than that. Nothing good comes free. You have to work for it and James and I are fighting like hell against the outside world to make us work.

  When our lips meet, everything vanishes from my mind. All thoughts of students and teachers and anything else keeping us apart drift into nothing as our lips move together, reacquainting themselves as if they haven’t seen each other in ages instead of hours. He backs me into my car as my fingers tangle in his hair, loving the feel of the silky strands underneath my touch. He opens the middle three buttons of my coat to slip his hands inside and pull me completely flush against him.

  Our tongues tangle together, tasting and licking each and every space they can find. He tastes like coffee and mint and James. A flavor that heightens my taste buds until they tingle and feel almost alive with need. His kiss is my drug and with each swipe of his tongue the addiction grows into something I can’t live without.

  I pull back breathless and stare into his perfect green eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m acting stupid.”

  He shakes his head and smiles the gentlest smile I’ve ever seen on him. “No, you’re not. I made the error in my words. Plus we were both on edge today over what happened so it’s harde
r to adjust back into our normalcy.” He cups my face in both his hands, letting his thumbs brush lightly over my cheekbone. “I love you. I will always love you. Even if I can’t tell you when I want to, even if I don’t say the words out loud, I still love you.”

  “We need a signal or something because these next few weeks are going to be difficult. We’re not going to see each other as much and our interactions are going to be scrutinized at every turn.”

  He smiles at me and nods before pressing his lips to mine again. “I agree. We need a signal. Something easy that we can do if we pass each other in the halls or something not conspicuous that will draw attention during class.”

  James pulls back and places his index finger on his lips in contemplation. Suddenly he snaps his fingers and a huge grin appears on his face. “I’ve got it. My signal to you will be this.” He holds up his left hand and pretends to twist an invisible ring on his ring finger. I don’t miss the significance of it and it sends tiny flutters through my chest.

  I nod and think of my own signal, trying to come up with something good. “Okay, I’m kind of lame at secret signals but how about this?” I bring my fist up to my chest and press it hard against my heart, almost making it look like I have heartburn, which would technically be right. My heart does burn when he’s not around. It aches with a pain that is sweet and bitter at the same time, making it a real paradox of emotions for that one small organ.

  He takes my hand, prying it away from my chest and opens my fingers to press our palms together. “It’s perfect.” Standing next to my car, our palms pressed together, we just let the world spin around us, caring about nothing more than just this sweet moment where we can be together.

  The wind switches and a chill runs up my spine. James looks at his watch and shuts the hood of my car with a small thud. “Call Liam. Ask him to pick up a new battery for you. But you’re not staying here. I’ll bring you home or wherever else you want to go.”

  “But how will I get my car?”