What the Circus Taught Me

by Natasha Weber

  She began teaching me how to dance, and it really did require complete trust on my part and on hers. I had to trust her to grab my hands when needed—had to trust her to guide me along when needed with her hands. I had to trust myself—had to trust my feet to catch me when I jumped. It was a disaster at first; but a little better after a week.

  "You're getting good," Mirj said during breakfast at the inn we were currently staying at.

  I snorted with a grin, "yeah, right..."

  She put her hand over mine. "No, really... I think you'll be ready to perform in no time. You're probably the best looking person in our band of misfits. The audience will love you."

  Mirj was good at disarming me with compliments and especially with flirtations. If I still had my sight and was the same person as I was when I did, I probably would have kissed her hand. As it was, I withdrew my hand bitterly. I wasn't in the mood for amours.

  Mirj laughed a little awkwardly. "I'm sorry... I shouldn't take advantage of you like that. If you had your eyes, you would never even consider going out with me anyway."

  My shoulders slumped and I took a sip of my water. I shrugged a little. "It's not that. I guess I just don't feel like myself lately." I tapped my nails on the table. "I like you, though... In retrospect I haven't been kind to women. I've been dwelling on that a lot lately. I was smug and arrogant, and never cared about them... I just wanted a scrap of fame. If I'm not a great warrior, what am I?"

  "You must have something else besides being a great warrior. Anything at all?" Mirj asked.

  I felt incompetent and embarrassed when I realized I had nothing at all. I took it out on her. I crossed my arms and said sarcastically, "you really picked up the pieces after you were cursed, huh? Helping random shlubs like me and expecting nothing in return."

  "I still care more about gold than I do anything else. I'm just earning it in a more honorable way now.” She replied, “When I was given my third eye, I saw what would have happened to me if I kept scamming people out of gold. I got the idea for my circus of freaks from my visions."

  I felt rebellious; like I needed to take her down a peg. Like she was one of the monsters I used to hunt. "Your vision probably told you where I was. You only picked me up because of the way I looked, right? Wanted more attractive people in your freak show? You should be ashamed."

  "If you think you can hurt my feelings, you're mistaken. I know who I am and I'm not ashamed to say that you're right. But you already knew that. You can go if you want. I never said you had to come with me." Mirj was not amused.

  There was something about her honesty that made me respect her. She didn't pretend to be better than anybody else and she knew what she was doing was more for herself than anybody else. She saw through me, unlike other women. She could play on the same level as me, and I liked that about her.”

  I smirked. "I'll stay. I'll be the best freak I can be."

  ***

  Before I was blind, there was a time when I could go to sleep with no issues; excited for the next day to come. Now that I was blind, I had night terrors. Mostly about the dragon who had taken by sight, but also about previous monsters I had fought. It was strange to think I was so fearless of them before but couldn't fathom fighting them now. I broke out in cold sweats and trembled just thinking about my previous encounters.

  Mirj heard one of my night terrors when we were just a day away from the Umohaw Inn where we would meet up with the rest of the freaks. I heard her pad across the hallway from her own room and knock on my door. I flipped on my side in the door's direction and said, "Mirj?"

  "May I come in?" She asked.

  "Sure..." I replied sleepily.

  She opened the door. I heard her sit on the side of my bed. "I'm getting sick of hearing your screeching late at night."

  I smiled a little. "You've been hearing it all this time?"

  "Of course I have. The whole building probably did."

  "You can go back to sleep. I'm okay." I said, pressing my cheek into my pillow.

  "I'm not leaving. Not until we do something about your night terrors." She replied defiantly.

  "Like what?"

  "Why are you having them in the first place?" She asked.

  I was silent for a second. I didn't want to open up to some woman I just met.

  “I don’t really want to talk about it...” I reached out toward her in the darkness and pulled her toward by my side.

  “What are you doing?” She asked with a laugh.

  “Maybe if I have some company I won’t have them any more.” I replied with a grin.

  “Company, huh…? It’s been a long time since I had any of that. I don’t think company is going to fix your problems.” She poked my nose playfully.

  I assumed she was facing me. I closed my eyes tiredly. “There’s nothing to be done. I’ve just been having nightmares about monsters I fought—before I was blinded. I could have died in any of those fights.”

  There was silence but for our breathing. Mirj was collecting her thoughts.

  “What made you want to be a famous warrior anyway? Other than the fame?” Mirj asked. “You aren’t exactly built for it.”

  I had already given her my trust. Perhaps it was time to tell her. “When I was young, I was small, even for an Elf. I was picked on. I used to read stories about heroes who achieved fame and respect from saving towns and citizens from monsters. I wanted the power to do that myself, but you can’t do it if you’re an Elf. We’re too small and weak. One day, a man appeared before me. He was draped in a black cloak and it looked as if he was made of smoke. He asked me, ‘do you want to be strong?’ There was no way I could reject an offer like that. I told him, ‘yes, I want power’. He told me it would come with a price later on. I assume he meant the eventual loss of my sight, but I haven’t seen him since. He made me strong, though. I used to be shrimp, now I have the strength of three humans.”

  “Are you really stronger?” Her voice cut through the darkness and wounded me.

  She dared me to consider that question. I knew if I did, the answer would only harm me. But it was something I needed to do.

  “I’m not stronger. I’ve never been stronger. I might have lived a happy, normal life I wasn’t so hungry for power. I’ve been reconsidering what strength is.”

  “Being strong isn’t just about being able to lift a sword. Being strong is having a good reason to use a sword.” Mirj said knowingly.

  I smiled a little. “Yeah, that’s it… I can’t use a sword at all now.”

  “But being strong can also mean living a good life for yourself and those you love.” Mirj whispered. It was a very truthful sentence, but it had no effect on me for I was not loved.

  “I don’t have anyone to love.” I felt like my guts were pouring out. “I don’t have a family, or friends—only a string of broken-hearted lovers.”

  “I won’t be your broken-hearted lover, but if you want, I can be your family. Do you want to get married?” She asked plainly.

  I paused a moment, and then I agreed, “I want to get married.”

  There was silence, and then she asked, "This man cloaked in black sounds awfully similar to the man who cursed me. Do you think they’re one and the same?"

  We would find out later that he was.

  ***

  I never should have married her. It was another waste of time, another shattering of the firm stance I thought I had on myself and the rest of the world. She cared more about her gold and making sure I memorized our dances than anything else. She kept herself at a cold distance—it was irritating, and I let her know it. But she had all the power in the relationship. She could see and I couldn’t. She paid for all my living expenses and I couldn’t. It caused me to lash out at her, at which she never budged an inch or took any of my insults to heart. She understood how worthless I felt, but she rarely had any kind words for me.

  Even though our marriage wasn’t working out, I understood her and why she didn't wish to express her a
ffections. Mirj didn’t want to allow herself to love or have fun. She felt guilty about all the men she had stolen from, and I knew part of the reason why she had started this circus of freaks was to make herself feel better. She wanted to help other people, but it was mostly to make herself feel better as an extension.

  My mind ever drifted to Rosa. she was certainly kind to me, and I liked the affection she was showing me. I had very few feelings left for Mirj.

  I let Mirj know later that night that I wanted to go out with Rosa. I assumed she didn’t shed a single tear over it.

  ***

  In another month, Rosa told me she wanted to quit the circus and go live in the city surrounding the castle of Umohaw. It was time to officially divorce Mirj.

  We were on the road again, it was night, and tents were pitched up for the members of the circus. I sat with Mirj in her tent. “You can just sign your name. I’ll take care of the rest.” She said matter-of-factly.

  She placed a pen in my hand and directed it to the part of the paper where I needed to sign my name.

  I sighed and tilted my head downwards, lowering my hand for a moment. “Won’t you tell me why?”

  Mirj couldn’t—or wouldn’t—say a word about why she did what she did. I didn’t expect her to now. But I thought it was worth a shot.

  “What should I tell you?” She said slowly.

  “Why did you choose me over our son? I replied.

  She was breathing harshly in my ear, searching for the words with a trembling voice. “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I’m terrible mother? I wouldn’t disagree.”

  I was crying empty tears. “I hated you for it. I hated you for so long. You would never even tell me why—you refused to discuss it at all. I thought you cared nothing for him.”

  I was surprised to hear her begin to sob. “Do you want me to say that I loved you more than my own son? I’m not even sure that’s true. I couldn’t tell you why I chose what I chose. I only had a second to decide. I never foresaw this with my vision. It was a prank the man cloaked in black played upon us. I never could have guessed. I only knew I would have to face a difficult decision if I married you. That was all my vision showed me. I married you anyway because I was sickly in love with you. I only know that I knew you better than my son at the time I chose you. I cruelly thought to myself in that split second, ‘I can always have more children’. I chose, and even now… I can’t convince myself that I chose wrong. You can hate me for that. I won’t blame you. In the end, I probably did love you more.”

  It was such a heart-rending situation to be in. It was strange to think what she did she had done out of love for me, and yet I ended up hating her for it. I didn’t hate her now that she had at least tried to tell me why, but I couldn’t bring myself to love her anymore. I wanted her to choose our son—I wanted her to love our son more than she did me like she was supposed to, but she simply didn’t.

  I let her direct my hand back to the paper, and I signed. I stood up and faced her, following the sound of her sobbing. I managed a smile and said, “goodbye Mirj. Thank you for telling me. Don’t just blame yourself. It was my fault, too”

  ***

  It was, indeed, both our faults. The man draped in black had shown up again, and I was holding our two-year-old. “It’s time to pay up.” Was all he said.

  He turned away from me and looked to Mirj: “Choose. You have three seconds after the end of this sentence; your husband or your child.”

  Mirj protested, “What? Why--?”

  “I will only say once more: Choose.”

  I can only imagine the look of horror on her face as she was deciding. My skin was icy cold with terror—so cold that there might as well have been no blood in me at all.

  The creature cloaked in black grabbed my arm when she wouldn’t answer and was going to take me.

  She finally cried, “I choose Sumner!”

  The man ripped the crying toddler from my arms and disappeared.

  ***

  Things were going very well for me and Rosa after a month of living in the city. I found work washing dogs, which I loved, and she found work in the castle as an entertainer, which was pretty impressive. Rosa was a loving girlfriend, and displayed emotion openly, unlike Mirj. I, however, was the one biting down on affections now and keeping to myself throughout the relationship. I was short-tempered and rude much of the time, and Rosa didn't understand it.

  She was easy to love, and I did love her, but I was working through lingering emotions to Mirj—The good and the bad. It had been a very complex relationship. As tumultuous as it had been, it was more meaningful to me than anything else that had happened to me in my life. Certainly more than slaying monsters.

  My thoughts ever turned to that of my son and the man cloaked in black. Was my son alive out there? Did the man in black have him? This whole situation was not just Mirj’s mistake. I should never have made a deal with him. He had tricked both me and Mirj, and I was sure he was laughing at our tears somewhere. I wished I could find him and kill him.

  Eventually I told Rosa about what Mirj and I had been through, and she felt sorry for us. I thought I would forget about Mirj quickly, but she was still under my skin. I missed her a lot and I didn’t know why. I wanted to forget about her, but it seemed impossible.

  In time, we had a small, respectable home based in the city. Rosa became more and more distant after a year and I was worried I would lose her. She became irritable and angry that money was tight and I didn’t make much at my job. I got angry right back.

  “Why can’t you find better work? I know you’re blind but surely you can do better than this.” Rosa accused me bitterly.

  “I’m doing what I like. I’m not going to quit on your behalf.” I stood my ground firmly.

  But I wasn’t going to give up on us. Eventually, I had the idea that we should take long walks together at night. We decided not to talk about money whenever we went out together.

  “The dog pretty much slobbered all over me. I swear, some even got into my hair. I couldn’t bathe enough that night.” I laughed.

  “Did I tell you about that pig I worked with in the castle who tried to pinch me? What a freak. And they say we’re freaks…” She replied with a chuckle of her own.

  We walked along in silence for a bit, and then I heard Rosa shuffle to a halt. “Who is that..?”

  “I’ve come for the rest of you.” A voice in the darkness said. My hair stood on end. It was him.

  The man cloaked in black lunged at me. I was pushed by powerful hands, and I fell backward into a winding ditch. I tumbled and rolled for what seemed like minutes. Eventually, I landed at the bottom of the hole, leaves crunching under my hands. I stood up, feeling sick. Fearfully I called out, “Rosa?”

  I clawed around in the darkness and called again, “Rosa?”

  No answer. I cried bitterly and whispered for the one I truly wanted around, “Mirj?”

  I was silent, then, walking around in the ditch, trying to find somewhere to hide from the man cloaked in black.

  “Sumner…” A voice said tantalizingly.

  I was sweating as I started sprinting with my hands outward, hoping I wouldn’t run into something.

  “Sumner…”

  I ran into a wall, and my hands burned for a moment when I did. “What do you want from me? Haven’t you gotten everything from me?”

  A cold hand gripped my neck and shoved me against the wall. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I was held there for minutes, and I wished I would die so I wouldn't be in such pain anymore.

  Abruptly, the creature squealed in pain and dropped me to the ground. I breathed deep breaths.

  Someone was here with me. I knew who it was. She was impossibly loyal. “Mirj?”

  She grabbed my hand and helped me up. I threw my arms around her.

  “I had a vision. I didn’t want you to die…” She explained. She was going to continue when I heard scuffling.

  Suddenly, Mi
rj grunted. Someone had grabbed her shoulders. I heard something clang to the ground by my feet. Mirj must have stabbed the creature before with a knife.

  I heard her wrestling with the monster as I felt around for the knife near my feet. I accidentally grabbed the sharp blade for a second and my hand bled. I found the handle and my head spun with previous memories of handling a blade—a griffin clawing at my arm, an ogre trying to eat me whole… a dragon’s breath hot on my eyes.

  I breathed in, pushing the visions away. I followed the sound of fighting and I heard Mirj get pushed to the ground with a yell. The man in black had sharp nails and was probably clawing at her.

  I hoped I was standing behind the creature and not Mirj when I plunged the knife downward. It felt like I stabbed his shoulder.

  I heard Mirj push the cloaked man off of her as he screeched in pain.

  She backed away from the creature and bumped into me. I passed her the knife.

  The monster’s voice pierced our ears, “don’t think you’ve won. Your child will be the most powerful creature in the world.”

   There was a sound like something being sucked; I felt the blood leave the palm of my hand where I had previously grabbed the blade of the knife.

  After a moment, Mirj said, “he’s gone…”

  I breathed in; my heart still beating like crazy.

  Mirj grabbed my hand. Her hands were worn, unlike Rosa’s. But they felt familiar and supportive. “You’re bleeding…”

  My hands trembled. I couldn’t stand not having her in my arms or in my life any longer. I had formed a bond with her; a bond I simply couldn’t live without. I liked Rosa, but I knew my thoughts would ever turn to my wife if I was not with her. I loved the way she understood me. I loved the way she was always there for me when I had night terrors. I loved the way she was supporting me with actions, even if she never did with words.

  Whenever I let on how worthless I felt, she never had any kind words for me, it was true. But she did disarm me by holding me close, which was better than any kind word, although I may have not recognized it before. Most of all, I loved how much she loved me, despite all my issues and my flaws. That's what made her my wife.

  I threw my arms around her. “What will we do now?"

  Mirj’s hands dug into my back fearfully. “I don’t think we can destroy this monster. I don’t know what he plans to do with our child, but he just stole some of our blood and stored it in vials. I’m sure he won’t stop until he gets the rest. Will you go somewhere to hide with Rosa?”