What the Circus Taught Me
Page 3
We stood there for a few more moments together, our arms wrapped around each other. I murmured, “I… Want to go somewhere with you. I’m not happy without you.”
“You shouldn’t…” Mirj protested. “Not after I gave our son away.”
I closed my eyes bitterly; I wondered just how I could still love her after all this when I should hate her. “I won’t forgive you for what you did, but you were confused… You only had a second. I should have been more understanding. I want to live with you. I love you, and I just can’t forget you."
Mirj was crying. “But what about our son? I want him back! I want us to be a family! I finally began to feel it—my mother’s instinct. I had a chance to rest my thoughts on it while you were gone, and I realized how much I wanted to hold him in my arms again. It was so monstrous to choose you over him… I’m so sorry.”
I was overcome with joy that she cared so much about our child. That was all I had wanted to hear from her since she made her decision. But I was also very sad. I told her, “I don’t know what can be done… I’m not sure where the creature is keeping our son. Your eye? Is it giving you any information about his whereabouts.”
“Nothing..." Mirj replied breathlessly.
I had such trouble saying it; I didn't want to say it. But I had to come to grips with reality. “I don’t know what he’s planning, but I want to live with you Mirj. I don’t want to abandon our child. It will always be a scar on both of us—a manifestation of our mistakes. But we will only get ourselves killed if we go after him. Come live safely with me. Please.”
***
We ended up living on the run. The creature in black haunted our every step; we saw him often, and we always barely outran him. He might catch up to us one day and he might not.
But we made that choice together, and it was the best choice we had ever made. Being on the run with my wife was better than living peacefully with Rosa.
That's what the circus taught me.