To Suit a Suitor

by Paula Kremser

  Henry tried talking to her several more times, with only the shortest replies in return. He realized he would need to apologize before proceeding further. He’d have to find a private moment with her once more, which shouldn’t be too difficult, but there was no hope of saving this evening. Instead, he decided to engage Jonathan in conversation to at least stop him from flirting with Julia any more, and he was successful in that. But once Julia knew he had changed his mind, they could pick up where they left off.

  A

  Chapter 17

  As Julia walked along the path a week later, she wished she had someone to confide in. Her mother and sister had never inspired her to share her feelings, and their recent arrival in Barrington certainly hadn’t changed that.

  After meeting Henry last week, her mother had said to her later that night as they climbed the stairs to their shared room, “I’m amused that you thought I would try to pressure you to snare Mr. Chamberlain. Considering all the suitors you’ve let slip through your fingers these past few seasons, I obviously know you’d be out of your depth with that one.” Her mother’s words hurt, but since they were true she had kept her mouth shut.

  As for Harriet, Julia had worried that she would disregard her engagement and flirt with Henry, and maybe she would have, except that she had seemed in a bad mood that night, hardly talking to anyone. But her bad mood hadn’t lasted and Julia had been surprised over the last week to observe that her sister seemed to love Barrington. Julia would often return from a walk to find that Harriet was out on one herself. But since Harriet seemed to prefer solitary walks, she hadn’t confided in her either. Julia would have loved to tell Martha about the hope she had briefly cherished for Henry and the frustration she now felt—mostly frustration at her own actions. But she could never tell Martha about it, since she was the very person who had warned her that if she got close to Henry, he would break her heart.

  It had been several days since she had seen him, which helped, actually. It was the reason she was walking along her favorite path this morning that would take her past the back pastures where their riding lessons had been. He was obviously avoiding her, so there was no reason for her to do the same.

  There was another dinner this evening, just as always on a Saturday, but at breakfast this morning, Martha had said, “I think my sore throat is worse this morning. I’ll send a note to Lady Chamberlain that I won’t be dining there today. What about the rest of you?” she had asked Julia, Harriet, and their mother. “Would you like me to send your excuses as well, or do you plan to attend?”

  Harriet immediately replied, “I plan to attend. There is so little to do here, it will be almost a novelty to dine out.”

  “I thought you were loving it here,” said Julia, surprised. “You’ve been out for walks exploring every day.”

  Harriet froze for a brief moment as she was setting her cup down. She glanced at their mother and then back at Julia and said, “Solitary walks aren’t the same as being out in company.”

  Her mother, without noticing Harriet’s suspicious reaction, had also voiced her intention to go, saying, “Yes, I’ll attend too. It seems we have to take every opportunity we get while in the country.”

  Julia had been annoyed at their criticism of Barrington, but slightly torn as to what she should do. She didn’t want to leave her mother and sister alone with the Chamberlains, but her desire to avoid Henry had been the greater incentive and she replied, “I’ll stay at home with you, Martha. Perhaps I’ve been often enough that the novelty of dining at Barrington Court has worn off.”

  The novelty of solitary walks hadn’t worn off for her though, and Julia hoped it never would. These morning walks had saved her sanity this week. For that one brief day, she had cherished the hope that Henry would be her future. It was taking much longer than a day to brush off the hurt of his rejection. Every other suitor that had rejected her had left her with hurt pride, but Henry’s dismissal had been more than that. Her pride was certainly a factor, but the humiliation was different. No one else even knew that Henry had briefly wanted to court her, so there wasn’t the embarrassment of others knowing she had been rejected again. This time it was just the humiliation of realizing she had thought she would be enough for him and she wasn’t.

  The thought had barely formed when Julia heard a sound behind her and looked over her shoulder to see Henry himself riding Felix. Much to her surprise, she saw Pegasus behind him and realized that Henry was leading him. Julia had the horrible thought that he was giving riding lessons to some other young lady. He could be on his way to meet her now, and he would convince the unsuspecting girl to keep it all a secret. They were coming toward her on the path, but still a ways off. Julia knew he had already seen her and there wasn’t time to avoid a meeting by changing course, but she had time to prepare herself for a civil “hello” as he passed. The last time they had spoken privately, she had barely been able to get two words out without losing her composure. This time would be different.

  In less time than she expected, Felix was standing next to her and Henry was dismounting. She was surprised by that. She was always a little in awe when she saw him. After the way he had treated her she thought it was unfair that his handsome features hadn’t diminished somehow. With what she hoped was a casual tone she greeted him, “Hello, Mr. Chamberlain.”

  “Hello, Miss North.” His tone sounded easy, but his manner looked as though he was uncomfortable. Julia hoped that he was. “I was hoping to find you this morning.”

  Julia didn’t know if she should feel upset that he was seeking her out—why would he do that?—or relieved that he wasn’t meeting someone else for riding lessons. “Was there something particular you wanted to talk about?” she asked.

  Henry held her gaze for a moment as if trying to gauge her mood before he responded, “I thought perhaps you would like another riding lesson or two.”

  After their last conversation, Julia had resolved to avoid Henry; she had been certain he would do the same. All the others who had rejected her had certainly never sought her out afterwards. “I think I’ve learned all I need to know about riding for my purposes,” she answered.

  He was about to launch into a persuasive argument, she could tell, but he stopped as he realized her response and asked, “Your purposes?” There was definitely curiosity in his voice. “What do you mean?”

  Julia was silent a moment as she tried to think how to respond. She definitely didn’t want to admit that she had only learned to ride so future suitors wouldn’t find her inadequate. She wanted to kick herself for not just saying “No, thank you,” and walking on. Finally she lifted one shoulder in a shrug and said, “Nothing, really … Just that I’ve learned all I wanted to know, and I’m not frightened of horses anymore.” It was true, just not all the truth. “It was more than I ever expected to accomplish.”

  “But I haven’t taught you to gallop,” he said, gesturing to the horse she thought of as her own. “It’s why I brought Pegasus today. You wouldn’t want to stop now that you’ve come so far.”

  Julia contradicted him, “I do want to stop now. I’ve no reason to learn more.”

  “What was your reason for letting me teach you in the first place?” He was looking at her suspiciously.

  Julia shouldn’t have even implied there was another reason. Did he think it was so she could be alone with him? She wanted to set him straight, but Julia couldn’t lie, and the truth was not an option either. Feeling flustered, she said, “I don’t know. Or rather, I know, but I don’t want to say.”

  A knowing smile spread across Henry’s face and Julia realized he would think from her refusal to admit her reason that it must have been to get close to him that she had learned to ride. Ridding him of such a notion was worth giving up the truth. “Fine, I’ll admit that my reason for learning to ride was so I could use the skill to ride with other gentlemen when I return to London.”

  His smile faltered at her reason and he looked slightly deflated by her words
, his green eyes taking on an innocent but wounded look. Yet he was not defeated. “You better learn to gallop then so you can impress all your friends as you tear through Hyde Park.” He put his hands on her waist and lifted her up on Pegasus. It felt so natural she didn’t think to resist until she was already looking down at him from the saddle.

  “I don’t need to … ,” she began, but realized she didn’t have the will to argue. With a sigh she said, “Very well. If you think Pegasus will actually gallop, then by all means teach me how to make him.” She didn’t say the words “so we can get this over with,” but they were implied in her tone.

  “Let’s get to the pasture first.”

  The horses both walked along at a slow, steady pace. Pegasus went to his natural place next to Felix as a silence descended between them, which Julia found uneasy. The path was a familiar one now for Julia, but in studiously avoiding Henry’s gaze she was noticing things she hadn’t before, like dead branches in distant trees and old, decaying leaves trapped at the base of the hedges.

  She was more than a little surprised to find herself in this position. After the last lesson that Henry had missed, she thought that nothing could induce her to ever agree to another lesson. Henry would probably again imply that he was doing her some sort of favor, when he was the one pressuring her to have another lesson. Julia had been avoiding looking at Henry, but now as she looked over at him, she thought his expression was pleased and comfortable.

  She ground her teeth in frustration and decided she shouldn’t be the only one feeling distressed in the other’s presence. “Mr. Chamberlain,” she began formally, “I am surprised you want to give another riding lesson. Your note when you missed our last lesson certainly implied this was a burden to you.”

  Julia felt a little better as Henry’s smile turned to a look of consternation. “I don’t remember exactly what I wrote, but I don’t think I would ever have implied such.”

  “You said you couldn’t attend to me,” she emphasized. “And that if you had time, you would give me another short lesson. I suppose you are just fulfilling that obligation today?”

  “That note was written in a great hurry,” he explained. “I’m afraid I don’t remember how my words were phrased, but if I was rude in any way, I apologize.”

  She hadn’t been expecting an apology. She thought he was much more likely to brush it aside as her being oversensitive. She didn’t bother responding, but instead asked, “Your insistence to teach me riding today is even more surprising given our conversation before dinner last week.”

  Julia had achieved her purpose; he looked decidedly uncomfortable now. He cleared his throat and surprised Julia again by looking up directly into her eyes and saying, “For my words to you then, I most sincerely apologize. I can hardly explain my reasoning, as I don’t even understand it myself now, but I thought at the time that I couldn’t court you. I hope you’ll forgive me and allow me another chance to prove myself.”

  Julia was at first more shocked than ever by Henry’s apology and his desire to renew their courtship, but she realized quickly that she should have been expecting this rather than being surprised by it. She had been avoiding him; he must be suffering from the lack of attention. He had worked so hard to have her fall at his feet; of course he would want to keep her there. Henry Chamberlain would have to realize for himself that she would not be constantly waiting for crumbs of attention from him. Narrowing her eyes, she said, “How do I gallop?”

  Henry looked a little confused at her abrupt change of subject. “Miss North … Julia,” he began again, reverting to her first name once more. “I knew almost immediately last week that I had made a mistake. When Jonathan flirted with you so shamelessly at dinner, I realized that I couldn’t stand to see you with another. I know I’m asking a lot of you, but I hope you’ll allow me the chance again to court you.”

  It was exactly as she suspected! He had never seemed as arrogant to her as he did in that moment. He was so sure she would give him another chance, and only wanting it because of his need to feel superior or acquire her attention as a possession he felt he deserved. Well, Julia couldn’t quite put his arrogance into words, but it was obvious his feelings had more to do with his feelings for himself rather than her.

  She had very little trouble replying, “No, thank you, Mr. Chamberlain. I am not interested in being pulled about by your whims again. Now, if you intend to teach me to gallop, I suggest you begin, before I figure out how to do it myself and gallop home.”

  Henry visibly swallowed, and Julia felt a tiny bit of remorse at her harsh words, but not enough to recall any of them. He looked worried as he pulled his reins to the side to move around in front of her to begin the lesson.

  Julia watched as Henry showed her how to spur her horse to action and then took off with speed across the pasture. She had seen riders gallop before and hoped she’d never have to try it. Her fear of horses wasn’t completely obliterated and Julia wondered if she was wise to be pressured into this last lesson when it included galloping. Henry pulled Felix in a loop and was soon back facing her once more. “Do you think you can do it?”

  Julia’s competitive nature wouldn’t let her do anything other than try and her biggest reassurance was the lazy horse beneath her. Pegasus had barely glanced up as Felix raced around the pasture. She knew that the horse Henry had chosen for her would prefer standing still to anything else.

  Following Henry’s example, Julia spurred Pegasus forward. At first he trotted and, just like the two or three other times she had been at a trot, the jarring sensation of riding a horse was worse than ever. But Henry called out, “Kick again; he’ll realize you want to go faster.”

  Julia cringed inwardly at the thought of going faster. It was already a bruising ride as she bounced up and down in the saddle. This would be her last lesson though. She would master galloping so Henry wouldn’t have another excuse to pressure her into yet another lesson.

  Julia urged Pegasus forward with another kick to his flanks and for the first time in her experience Pegasus lived up to his name: she felt like she was flying! The jarring up and down motion of trotting was gone; all the movement for both her and Pegasus was forward. The speed made her feel frantic for a moment, but she held on tight and felt a smile spread over her face. This was why riding was something people enjoyed, not just a way to get from here to there. Julia felt that the gallop was worth every moment it had taken to overcome her fear of horses and learn to ride.

  Julia rode without worrying where she was going. At some point, Henry and Felix had galloped in front of her and Pegasus. As always, Pegasus followed Felix, so Julia let herself enjoy the freedom of galloping. She let every bit of herself enjoy the amazing sensation. When Henry had stopped her on the path, their conversation had consumed all her thoughts, but galloping consumed all her senses. It was exhilarating.

  Pegasus slowed to a walk before she was ready to be done, but Henry and Felix had stopped up ahead of her, a clear signal to Pegasus to end his exertions.

  “That was amazing!” Julia exclaimed. “Can we keep going?” She recalled herself almost immediately. This was Henry Chamberlain she was speaking to.

  “Oh, never mind,” she said at the same time that Henry said, “Yes, let’s go on.”

  She looked at him. He was smiling at her hopefully and Julia felt worse than before. Spending time with Henry alone like this was a mistake. He didn’t even have a groom with him today, although it felt less necessary than ever for them to have a chaperone. “No, I shouldn’t. I …” Julia tried to quickly think of a reason and she could hear the relief in her own voice when she said, “Martha isn’t feeling well today. I want to get back to see how she’s doing.”

  It was a weak reason, and she could tell Henry knew it, but he didn’t try to persuade her. They just turned their horses back. “Would you like to try galloping again?” he asked.

  Julia nodded and tried to hold back a smile as she nudged Pegasus up to speed again. The smooth rush
of galloping thrilled her for a few minutes before they reached the lane and let the horses walk. Her smile faded as she remembered that she wouldn’t be doing this again. Henry had helped her overcome her fear of horses, but really Pegasus was the only horse she would feel comfortable riding. She felt that she could rely on Pegasus to be idle whenever she would let him, but all other horses, even Felix, were unpredictable. She had told Henry she had overcome her fear of horses, but it might only be true with Pegasus.

  Whatever reason Henry had for retreating away from the closeness they had briefly shared was still there. Today he was being so kind and solicitous, seeking her out like he had. But what would he do tomorrow? Or the following week? Julia knew she couldn’t trust him just to be disappointed again. He didn’t mean half of what he said or did.

  Julia realized that Henry was coming back with her to Martha’s. Except for the day he had kissed her, she had always walked back from the pasture alone after their lessons, but now they were nearing Barrington proper, together. This was just what she didn’t need. She had to convince Martha to let her stay and soon. She had wanted to stay with Martha so much, but since Henry’s rapid desertion, Julia’s desire to stay had cooled. She still wanted to stay much more than she wanted her mother to choose her husband, but it wasn’t as ideal of a solution to her problem as it had been before. But she didn’t have a better plan, so she couldn’t be seen with Henry.

  Feeling resolved, she said, “You go on. I think I’ll finish my walk.”

  With disbelief in his voice he replied, “I thought you wanted to see how your cousin was doing.”

  “Yes, I did. But you’re here, and you can check on her now, then I’ll come back later and check on her.” Julia knew that there was no good reason she could share with Henry as to why she wasn’t going back to see Martha with him, but to try to convince him she added, “She’ll probably appreciate that more; two visits instead of one.”