To Suit a Suitor

by Paula Kremser

  They moved to the far side of the room, beyond the last pillar, and leaned their backs against the wall. Julia took a deep breath to fortify herself for a conversation with Henry. She felt stronger than she had when he’d taught her to gallop; her heart was not susceptible to him now. With the story his mother told and then watching him interact with the other young ladies here this evening, she felt herself building a case against falling for him that was stronger all the time.

  As soon as the music began, Henry said, “I’ve been hoping for some time alone with you.” He paused and took a deep breath of his own. “I know I hurt you before, but I want to explain why and ask for your forgiveness.”

  Julia might be stronger than before, but she would still prefer to avoid the subject altogether. “Please don’t trouble yourself. I understand you just fine and would prefer to avoid the topic altogether.” Henry looked like he wanted to convince her otherwise, so Julia continued quickly, “I’ve actually been wanting to ask you about Mr. Corey.” It was a subject that she hadn’t thought she would ever have the chance to ask him about, but she had been curious about Mr. Corey’s character and anything was better than another excruciating apology for kissing her.

  “What do you want to know about him?” Henry asked and Julia noticed his voice had turned hard. That couldn’t be a good sign; perhaps they weren’t such good friends after all.

  “I was just wondering about his character. I don’t know him well and you do. Do you think he is an honorable man?”

  Again Henry hesitated and Julia wondered what that meant. “As far as I know he’s honorable, but I don’t know him well. Until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t seen or heard from him in more than three years.” Julia felt disappointed by his answer. He couldn’t tell her if Harriet was truly safe in Mr. Corey’s hands or not. Her thoughts were interrupted when Henry continued, “That is actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Mr. Corey showed up the day that I kissed you and—”

  “Stop!” Julia’s whisper was insistent. “I want to forget that ever happened.”

  Henry looked half surprised and half hurt by that. “You only want to forget it because there is still a misunderstanding between us. Please just let me explain.”

  Julia tried, but there was no excuse she could think of to avoid the conversation. He was so determined and she finally resolved to let him say what he wanted to and be done with it. He waited another moment before taking Julia’s silence as consent. He looked around, as if to ensure no one was close enough to hear. “When I … when I kissed you, I wanted to court you. I would never have been so bold if my intentions weren’t serious.”

  Julia didn’t believe a word. She lowered her chin and reminded him, “And yet, you asked me to keep it a secret.”

  He was facing her now, with just one shoulder leaning against the wall. He raised his hands, palms forward, probably trying to look blameless as he said, “That had nothing to do with my intentions.” His voice was entreating as he continued, “I just wanted to court you in my own timing, without my mother pushing us too fast. The very idea of courting again was too new for me and I needed time to get used to it.”

  Despite the fact that Lady Chamberlain thought Henry could do no wrong, Julia quite admired her, so she said, “I doubt your mother would understand or agree with all you hold her accountable for.”

  “You’re right. It’s not her fault; it’s mine.” Henry’s voice was quiet, but sounded a little frustrated. “But my intentions to you were sincere. Just remember that when I left you that day, I was called back to the house to meet a visitor and it turned out to be Jonathan. I wasn’t prepared to see Miss Corey’s brother again and it brought back all the painful memories of losing her. That was why I told you my intentions had changed, because of Jonathan’s arrival. But once the shock wore off, I realized that I was fine.”

  Julia hadn’t expected that and she knew the surprise was evident in her tone when she said, “You’re fine? Just like that, you’re fine now, so your intentions have changed again?” Julia was momentarily bewildered. Did he really think that he could change his mind again, and she would be at his side in an instant?

  “Yes, that’s it exactly. My heart has truly healed now and it’s all thanks to you, and this time, I’m quite certain.” With that declaration Henry took a step closer and, behind the cover of the pillar, reached for her hand. Julia took a step back, but Henry didn’t release her hand. Henry’s tender words didn’t reassure her; rather, they caused a spike of fear in her heart. She tugged at her hand and he instantly released it. She turned back to face the room so he couldn’t look into her eyes anymore. She couldn’t hear a tender declaration and get her hopes up, just to have them dashed again. Julia wondered how many other girls had heard a similar speech. How many thought that they were different somehow from all the others throwing themselves at him?

  Maybe Jonathan’s arrival had something to do with the timing, but Julia had no doubt that Henry would have ended their relationship anyway. It had hurt more than when any other suitor had deserted her. She would never give Henry another chance. If he changed his mind again—which seemed a sure thing—she wouldn’t recover.

  “When you kissed me, I got my hopes up, but I won’t do that again. I’m not going to be your next Miss Pathetic.”

  “What are you talking about?” Henry asked her, looking confused.

  She really needed to be more careful about that, but “pathetic” and “Clifton” were interchangeable in her mind. “Miss Clifton, and all the rest,” she explained in a hushed voice. “They adore you and wait their turn for your attention. You give them five minutes of your time and they pathetically build dreams around those little scraps of attention. I won’t do that. I won’t dream of a future that will never be real!”

  Julia felt her heart beating faster as she laid out her fears in front of Henry. He was looking at her with disbelief and responded, “I don’t want to give you ‘scraps of my attention.’ I want to court you in earnest.”

  “No one wants to court me in earnest. No one ever has before. Every suitor I’ve ever had has changed his mind about courting me.” Julia hadn’t meant to admit that and now she kept her gaze on the dance floor. This must be the longest song Miss Trevon knew; it felt like the dance would never end. She could tell Henry was watching her, but he didn’t say anything for a long moment.

  “I assumed you must have had plenty of proposals and turned them all down.”

  Julia gave a mirthless huff of laughter, “As if my mother would ever let me turn down a proposal.” Another thing she shouldn’t have admitted.

  Henry didn’t seem to know quite how to respond, but finally he said, “I never thought to wonder why you aren’t already taken, but I’m relieved you aren’t. I can only be grateful that those other men changed their minds; otherwise I would never have met you.”

  Julia pointedly reminded him, “You changed your mind about courting me, just like they did.”

  “Yes, but I’ve realized I made a mistake and changed my mind again.” Henry’s voice was still quiet, but it was very evident that he was exasperated.

  “And what’s to stop you from changing your mind the next time? Forgive me for not putting my trust in you completely,” she replied with an arch look.

  The dance was finally winding down and Julia knew she would soon need to look unaffected by their intense conversation. “Henry—” she began, then corrected herself and tried again, “Mr. Chamberlain, I think it would be best if, when we find ourselves in each other’s company, we interact as little as possible. In fact, I insist upon it.”

  The last notes played, the dancers clapped their hands, Julia could hear Mrs. Trevon tell her daughter she could take a short break, and through it all Henry stared at her with a stony expression. His frustration must have turned to anger. Julia hadn’t meant for that to happen, but she didn’t see an alternative. If she let him have his way now, her heart would be crushed later.

  “You are resolved th
en?” he finally asked.

  Julia hesitated for just a moment, sensing the finality in his tone. But she knew what her heart could handle and what it couldn’t. “Yes, completely resolved,” she said, not meeting his eyes.

  Without another word he turned and walked out to the garden once again and Julia breathed deeply to try to stop tears from forming. She had thought she was so much stronger than before, but she felt as fragile as an autumn leaf.

  A

  Chapter 20

  The next day, Henry was spending a quiet morning at home. He wished he had some activity to distract himself, but nothing tempted him. He was currently staring morosely at a stack of papers that represented his entire complicated deal with Mr. Dunn. He had planned to look over them one last time for errors this morning, but hadn’t made any progress yet. He tried once again to focus, when there was a knock at the door.

  Henry was not in the mood for company.

  Last evening at the Trevons’ had left Henry feeling incredibly disappointed. He hadn’t entertained the idea that Julia wouldn’t give him another chance. He had thought all along that it was just a matter of time before they would be together. But he now had to accept the possibility that Julia would never give him another chance. He had explained everything to her, but still she didn’t trust him, or maybe she just didn’t care for him. The thought brought the sting of rejection sharply back.

  When Jonathan was shown into his library he felt his mood darken further.

  “Hello, Henry. Why are the curtains all drawn?” Jonathan asked as he made his way to the window to move the curtains aside. Henry hadn’t noticed the dimness, but the bright sun coming in made him squint.

  His feelings toward Jonathan were less than cordial at the moment and he didn’t respond to his question, instead asking one of his own. “Have you already been out for a walk this morning?” Jonathan had taken frequent walks since his arrival. Henry had just assumed that was his habit, but now he wondered if Jonathan had been intercepting Julia on her walks.

  “Ah …” He hesitated and Henry ascribed it to guilt. “No, I’m just about to go on a walk, but thought I’d stop and say hello first.”

  “Are you meeting someone?” Henry asked suspiciously.

  Jonathan narrowed his eyes a bit and Henry could see him trying to decide what to admit. Finally he shook his head and said hesitantly, “No. That is to say, I’m not sure if I might meet someone or perhaps several people while I’m out. But I don’t plan to meet anyone … in particular.”

  Ha! If Julia asked him now if Jonathan were honorable, he’d definitely tell her not to trust the man. He was obviously lying.

  Jonathan was speaking of something else and Henry had to recall himself to answer a question about the book on his desk that Jonathan had picked up. Julia’s questions last evening made him wonder if Jonathan was the reason Julia wouldn’t give him another chance.

  If they would make a good match, it might be possible to see Julia happy with someone else, but she and Jonathan were so different. His only sincere moments were in emotionally charged moments. At all other times he spoke only of trivial things. Henry had watched Julia interact with Jonathan on several occasions now and he could see how she adopted his insincere manner. Henry couldn’t stand to see her with someone that, in order for them to be together, caused her to adopt a different character.

  If Henry understood the situation correctly, Julia would be on her way to London soon to marry a man far beneath her that her mother chose for her. Surely she would choose him over that terrible option. But now with Jonathan here, maybe she thought he was the most likely to offer for her. It was a terrible realization for Henry’s confidence, to think he could be so easily replaced. He had thought, for that one brief moment in time, that Julia’s feelings for him were as sincere as his own, but perhaps she was just trying for anyone in order to get away from the fate her mother had in store for her. Could Julia truly not see or perhaps not even care that she was choosing a man who didn’t understand her at all? The thought of watching Jonathan court Julia was unbearable.

  Henry’s thoughts finally led him to the only reasonable conclusion and disregarding whatever Jonathan had been saying, he said, “You know Jonathan, your stay in Barrington has caused me … a bit of difficulty. I think it might be best if you leave.”

  Jonathan looked up, surprised, and smiled a little as if waiting for the other end of the joke. Henry kept his expression serious and finally Jonathan asked, “Er, what are you talking about? What difficulty?”

  “Having you here, well, it’s brought back to mind those darker times for me.” Henry cleared his throat. He’d just been internally criticizing Jonathan for his dishonesty, and his conscience pierced him. He wasn’t lying, but he wasn’t telling Jonathan his primary reason for wishing him away.

  After a long pause, he replied, “I understand. I’m sorry, Henry, that my presence has made things worse for you.” He set the book back on Henry’s desk and stood to leave. “I was surprised, when I saw you again, that you haven’t moved on. I hope that my leaving will make everything easier for you. Perhaps you won’t mind very much if I delay just a day or two? I’ve sent away for a special l—” he paused briefly then continued, “a special letter, and it should be arriving soon.”

  Henry wasn’t interested enough to ask what Jonathan’s business was so he just replied, “No, that’s fine. Of course wait for your letter before you go.” His guilt increased, but he couldn’t bring himself to invite Jonathan back. He could just enjoy a guilty conscience along with the sting of Julia’s rejection.

  A

  On the morning of the picnic, Julia rode in Martha’s carriage as they made their way to Blackdown Hills. Her day was not off to a good start, and riding with her mother and Harriet wasn’t improving her mood. Her mother had been disparaging of the idea of a picnic from the first time it was mentioned, and Julia wondered why she had decided to join them at all. The early hour had been her most persistent grievance this morning and Julia was thankful that at least her mother had now fallen asleep across from her, her chin resting on her chest as her head bobbed to the gentle swaying of the carriage. Julia had been looking forward to the excursion since Martha had told her about it last week, but they hadn’t even arrived and already she was disappointed.

  Henry wasn’t coming. When her carriage arrived to pick them up, Lady Chamberlain had said that both Henry and Mr. Corey wouldn’t be joining them.

  She shouldn’t be disappointed. Julia hadn’t seen Henry since they had not danced together at the Trevons’, not even at church. She assumed he would be one of their party today, but he wasn’t. She had been avoiding him for weeks, so she should be grateful, but it felt awful to know he was now avoiding her just as persistently as she had ever avoided him. He was following her wishes after all; they were interacting as little as possible. Julia had heard Martha say that she and Henry had come up with the idea for the picnic. Now he wouldn’t even join them and she knew it was her fault. The angry look she had last seen on his face came to mind. Henry Chamberlain never wanted to see her again; she was certain of it. Besides his anger, he must also think she was pitiful. She couldn’t believe she had admitted her appalling history with suitors. He must be so relieved by now that she hadn’t allowed him to coax her into courting again.

  She wondered, for the thousandth time, what about her had made him decide to stop their brief courtship in the first place. Maybe it was that she was too level-headed. All those other girls were fine fantasizing about Henry choosing them. Those fantasies were nothing more than lies they told themselves and too often believed.

  Even Harriet fantasized about impossibilities. Harriet might be ruled by every passing emotion, but Julia wouldn’t be. In fact, Harriet seemed to be bouncing in her seat this morning, more than just the usual rocking of the carriage. Just yesterday she had been so down when returning from her “solitary” walk. Julia had followed her to their room for a private moment with just the two of t
hem and asked, “What is the matter, Harriet? Have you had a letter back from Lord Blakely?”

  “No,” she had answered. “That’s just the problem. Lord Blakely hasn’t replied to my letter requesting we cancel the engagement. A reply should have arrived by now.” Harriet seemed devastated.

  “Well, don’t be too discouraged. Maybe it will arrive in the post today,” Julia reassured her. Julia wondered if the awaited letter would help. Lord Blakely would not want the scandal associated with a cancelled engagement but he also wouldn’t want to marry Harriet against her will. Julia wasn’t sure what reply Harriet should expect, but at least once his letter arrived, Harriet would know one way or the other.

  Harriet had fidgeted nervously with her bonnet strings before admitting, “When I was walking with Jonathan this morning, I told him about Mother and Lord Montague’s agreement.”

  “You shouldn’t have done that,” Julia had responded sharply. “If word of that got out, it would be just as bad for us as it would be for Mother.”

  “I know, but Jonathan was talking about leaving. My heart would break without him! I was hoping that if he knew about Mother’s scheme, he would offer for me so that I could break the engagement to Lord Blakely.”

  “But that didn’t happen?”

  “No, he just seemed frustrated that I hadn’t told him sooner,” Harriet admitted. “I wish he would just take me away. It would solve all our problems.” A dreamy look entered Harriet’s eye as she continued, “Wouldn’t it be so romantic if we eloped?”

  “Harriet, that’s the most scandalous idea you’ve had yet!” With a shake of her head at her sister’s ridiculous idea she added sensibly, “Just wait for Lord Blakely’s letter and even if he’s not agreeable, we can reason with Mother. If we really think it through, perhaps we could present it in a light that will make Mr. Corey’s courtship seem favorable to her.” Julia knew that was the only incentive that would work on their mother, but truly she didn’t know how they would ever convince her that Harriet should end her engagement.