To Suit a Suitor

by Paula Kremser

  Harriet had let out another sigh of frustration. “But what if Jonathan won’t wait that long? Oh Julia, if he leaves me, I would die!”

  Julia had managed not to roll her eyes as she comforted Harriet and assured her that Mr. Corey was just upset, and that he would come around.

  But Harriet had been excited this morning with a smile of anticipation for their outing, and even finding out that Mr. Corey wouldn’t be coming on their picnic today hadn’t seemed to dampen her excitement. The thoughts that had weighed so heavily on Harriet’s mind yesterday seemed to be forgotten.

  Watching her sister try to hold back a smile across the carriage from her, Julia wondered how long it would be until she was in tears once more. Days, hours … maybe even minutes from now Harriet would be devastated again.

  Julia had felt pulled about by Henry in just the same way, with her heart jumping from one excessive emotion to another like that. It wasn’t pleasant and she wouldn’t ever become accustomed to it. If she ever felt like Harriet, that she was so miserable she would die, there would be no quick recovery for her.

  The carriages arrived at their destination and as Julia’s mother straightened her bonnet, she said, “We drove all this way for this?” But despite her mother’s comment to no one in particular, their group quickly set off with energy and made their way up a gentle hill.

  Their group spread out, some hurrying to the top to see the view and others stopping frequently to look back at the changing perspective. Julia couldn’t feel enthusiasm for the view. To her it was just various shades of green, with houses and farms that looked small in the distance.

  Julia found herself walking by Martha. She’d had very few opportunities to monopolize her cousin’s attention since her mother and sister had arrived in Barrington. Their return trip to London was only days away now and Julia decided this might be the best opportunity she had to ask Martha about staying.

  Before she could begin, however, Martha said, “You know, Julia, I’ve been thinking about something we talked about when you first arrived. You mentioned your poor luck with keeping a suitor through the last three seasons and I distinctly remember you mentioned that it was some flaw of yours that drove the men away.”

  “Yes,” Julia answered a little hesitantly. “I remember when we talked about it. You were certain I was mistaken and said there must be some other explanation.”

  “That’s right, that is what I said, but now I think you may have been right after all.”

  Julia felt her heart drop. Martha had discovered what was wrong with her? Maybe it was a small thing that could be corrected. Maybe she would let her stay despite it. What was the horrible thing she did that drove suitors away? Actually, maybe it wasn’t just suitors. Maybe Martha was annoyed with one of Julia’s bad habits and would be happy to see her return to London. Julia braced herself for the worst. “What is it?”

  “I have noticed that since your mother arrived, your manners have been different, more … contrived. When you are in company with your mother, it’s like you are pretending to be someone you are not. But when you are not yourself, there is no sincerity. Perhaps this flaw you are so concerned about is only present in the person you pretend to be for others.”

  Julia tried to think through Martha’s insight to see if it felt true. She knew she kept her true self hidden, but had all those suitors realized that? “Do you really think that’s it?”

  “Not to offend you dear, but when I have watched you in company since your mother arrived, you seem to always say just the right thing, but you are so detached. You are conscientious in what you do and say, but it’s become obvious—at least to me—that your emotions aren’t involved.”

  Well, of course her emotions weren’t involved; she had been careful to make sure of that. Her emotions had certainly never been involved with Mr. Bedford or any of her suitors in London that her mother insisted she try for. There had never been any sincere attachment. In her very first season, after the first suitor had left her behind, she had realized that her detachment was a good strategy. If she didn’t care, then it didn’t hurt anything other than her pride when they left.

  Julia thought about her annoyance with Harriet, not just now with Mr. Corey, but always. The ups and downs of her emotions seemed an exhausting exercise to Julia. Harriet invested herself fully into everything she did. But Julia didn’t want to put her heart into something that she thought might fail. What was the point? She had approached her London seasons with the same attitude. She had tried to do just what her mother said to catch a husband, but she had never included her feelings in her efforts.

  “You are right. I do that.” Julia felt like the obvious answer had been in front of her all along. “I’ve been thinking there must be some outward flaw of mine that men just couldn’t stand, but each suitor must have come to realize that I didn’t care for them. Not a bit.”

  But with Henry—against her better judgment and Martha’s warning—she had cared. She had cared too much and was having an extremely difficult time convincing herself not to care anymore. It had been easy with other suitors, but with Henry, she just couldn’t do it.

  With Henry she had never been anything but herself. Their very first meeting had caught her off guard and it had never changed. She had caught a fly, fallen off a horse, and beaten him at cards, and after all that he had kissed her. For once, a suitor really knew her, but he had ended their courtship of one day just the same.

  They had almost reached the top of the hill when Martha interrupted her thoughts, saying, “Men’s egos are fragile things, I believe. I’m no expert, but I think most would not like the idea of a wife who just pretended regard for them.”

  Julia’s first thought wasn’t for those suitors in London who had discarded her, but for Henry. She hadn’t pretended to care for him; it had all been real. But she had assumed that he was the one who was insincere. She thought of all Henry had said to her at the Trevons’ when they had not danced together. Her feelings had still been too hurt to trust him, but Julia suddenly wondered if his words had been sincere. Julia’s heart dropped and she stopped walking when she realized Henry might have truly cared for her. She had rejected him, more than once. And the last time, his anger had been obvious and final. He would probably never even speak to her again.

  “Julia, what’s the matter dear?”

  Julia looked up to see Martha watching her with a concerned expression. “Nothing. It’s nothing; I just remembered something.” Shaking off the horrible idea, she brought her thoughts back to their conversation. “You are right, I’m sure of it. I’m not certain knowing this flaw of mine will do me any good now, but at least I don’t have to wonder anymore.”

  Julia continued walking next to Martha, who pointed out sights that she was familiar with, but which couldn’t interest Julia. Eventually, blankets were spread and hampers of food were opened. Julia went through the motions, but couldn’t focus on anything but this new idea in her mind of her insincerity. She remembered every detail she could think of from courting through three London seasons. Except when she had honestly asked Mr. Bedford why he had ended their courtship, she couldn’t think of any time when she had been sincere.

  After their picnic, most of the group reluctantly prepared to leave, but Julia had been longing for privacy for some time. She felt that she had come to know herself better during these short hours wandering over these hills. But mostly she was wondering if understanding her past mistakes sooner would have made any difference with Henry.

  As they packed up the remains of the picnic, there was some confusion as they prepared to depart. Several of the younger members of their party wanted to explore one more path that could possibly afford a better view of the little village to the south, that they had merely had a glimpse of. There was debate whether to wait around and let them or just insist that it was time to go. Harriet, who seemed to be the one most wanting to stay longer, suggested instead that the carriages be rearranged for the return trip and offered
to leave later. Her mother made certain her desire to leave immediately was known and Julia quickly offered to depart with her, securing her place in the first carriage to leave. After that, she didn’t pay any attention to the other arrangements.

  Julia felt that the walk back down was longer than the walk up had been; her mother leaned on her arm a good part of the way. As they climbed into Lady Chamberlain’s carriage, her mother said to her in a whisper, “Just one more week and we can finally return to London, permanently.” It wasn’t until that moment that Julia remembered she hadn’t asked Martha if she could stay. Well, there was still one more week for her to find an opportunity so she could stay in Barrington, permanently.

  The carriage ride was long, and made longer by the fact that they returned Lady Chamberlain to Barrington Court before returning to Martha’s house. When they passed through the gates of Barrington Court, Julia looked toward the Dower house. Pressed against the window as she was, there wasn’t much choice. How had Henry spent his day, and what must he think of her now? She didn’t catch a glimpse of him and felt it was just as well. His angry glare would only make her feel worse.

  A

  Chapter 21

  On the morning of the picnic to Blackdown Hills, Henry waited until he saw the carriage leave before he went for a ride. There was no way he would join the group. It had been two days since he had asked Jonathan to leave, and although he still felt guilty over it, he was mostly annoyed that Jonathan was still here. He couldn’t stand the thought of Jonathan flirting with Julia on the outing that he had planned. So he stayed behind, realizing that Julia’s rejection had shaken his confidence more than he had first thought. Just like when he lost Miss Corey, all his plans had been frustrated. This time though, he felt anger along with the grief.

  Miss Abbot had stopped by to see him just yesterday to finalize their plans for the picnic, but he had told her he wouldn’t go after all.

  “What’s wrong, Henry?” she had asked. “You wanted a chance to talk to Julia. Have you changed your mind?”

  “I don’t change my mind as easily as some people imply,” he had snapped at her. He reproached himself immediately before she could, saying, “I’m sorry, Miss Abbot. I’m just frustrated, but not with you. I had an opportunity to speak with Julia at the Trevons’ the other night and she was unwilling to give me another chance.”

  Her reaction showed surprised disappointment. “That is not what I expected. Did you bungle the whole thing and offend her?”

  “I don’t know. Perhaps. She just seemed so sure that if I courted her, it wouldn’t last and I would change my mind again.”

  Miss Abbot’s expression had become knowing and she had said, “Oh, I think I understand. She probably wouldn’t want you to know this Henry, but Julia hasn’t had much luck with suitors. They seem to tire of her after a few weeks or so. Just shows what idiots there are in London if you ask me.”

  “She admitted as much to me, although reluctantly. How am I supposed to convince her that I won’t be like them when I already have proven that I am?” he had asked without hope of a solution.

  “Would you like me to talk to her for you?” Miss Abbot had asked him. “Perhaps I could convince her where you could not.”

  “No!” he had exclaimed, and then more politely added, “I’d rather you didn’t. I think I know her character enough to rightly assume that she would think me a coward and be more annoyed with me than ever if I sent someone else to plead my case.” Miss Abbot had nodded her agreement, looking rueful. “Besides, she was completely resolved when we spoke. If I’d thought I had a chance of convincing her, I would go with you tomorrow on the picnic and try again.”

  “So what are you going to do?” Miss Abbot had asked.

  Henry honestly didn’t know. He couldn’t bring himself to say he was giving up, but he didn’t think Julia would change her mind. “Perhaps give her a little more time and then speak to her again?”

  Miss Abbot had shrugged her shoulders, clearly realizing the futility of the situation.

  Henry was brought out of his thoughts and back to the present as he heard his stomach growl. A quick check of his pocket watch told him this was a much longer ride than usual. He turned Felix back for home after realizing he was several hours late for lunch, and he was starving.

  Henry didn’t keep a cook for just himself at the Dower house, but always had his afternoon and evening meals at Barrington Court. He wasn’t sure how long the outing at Blackdown Hills would take, but he hoped his mother and Jonathan wouldn’t arrive back too soon. He wanted to eat quickly and be gone before they arrived back. He still wasn’t in the mood for conversation with anyone.

  It was after three when he returned to the stable and he noticed that both of Jonathan’s horses were gone. Jonathan hadn’t used his carriage once since he arrived. Henry was sure the horses had been there when he left on his ride several hours ago. That was strange. Had Jonathan not ridden with his mother? Had he taken his own carriage to Blackdown Hills? Or had he actually left Barrington?

  When he arrived at the main house, he went to find Martin first thing to get his questions answered. “Martin,” he began when he found him in the hall, “has Jonathan Corey left?”

  “Yes, sir. He left this morning.” Martin reached into his coat pocket as he spoke. “And when Ellen was making up his rooms after he left, she came across this letter addressed to you, sir.”

  Henry reached to take the envelope from Martin and as he pulled the note from the envelope he asked, “Did he leave Barrington completely then, or just leave for the picnic with my mother and the others?”

  “He didn’t say he was leaving permanently, but Ellen said all his things are gone and it appears that he has. Perhaps his letter will tell you more than I can.”

  “Thank you, Martin,” Henry said to the butler’s retreating back. He shook his head slightly as he unfolded the note, realizing Martin had dismissed him rather than the other way around.

  Henry quickly scanned the page written in Jonathan’s hand. Hardly believing what he had read, he went over it once more, not the first paragraph with its boring gratitude for hospitality, but the last few lines. Certain phrases stood out because of the alarm Henry felt as he read them. Sorry to have kept a secret from such gracious hosts … and My bride and I will return for a visit … and Please put in a good word for me with Mrs. North … and Assurance that I will take good care of her daughter …

  No. No, it couldn’t be. Henry didn’t know how long he stood there staring at the paper in front of him, trying not to feel devastated. He thought he had lost hope to gain Julia’s affection, but never until this moment had hope truly been gone. He had lost her completely.

  Henry moved into his father’s library without much thought and sat down hard in a chair just inside the door. He dropped Jonathan’s letter and ran his hands through his hair. It took some effort, but he tried to reason with himself. At least this wasn’t the worst thing that could happen. Julia would never be his, but she wasn’t dead. He could be grateful for that, but it did nothing to improve his frame of mind and several more long minutes passed as he tried to become accustomed to despair.

  He wished he had thought to elope. They could have easily left for Scotland some night and no one would have been the wiser until they were too far away to stop. Julia hadn’t trusted him to court her again because she thought he would change his mind. An elopement would have proven that he had no intention of ever changing his mind again. But would even that have worked? When he had told her his intentions had changed after Jonathan arrived, it was the last time she had even really listened to him. It seemed that Julia North only ever gave one opportunity to have her good opinion. If he had known he would never get a second chance to prove himself with Julia, perhaps he wouldn’t have messed up so badly in the first place.

  Gradually Henry became aware of the sound of an approaching carriage. For Henry, the sound of the carriage wheels seemed to wake up his mind to a new idea. Perh
aps they could chase down Jonathan and Julia and prevent the marriage. If there was any chance of stopping the pair, he would have to hurry.

  Henry ran to the front window and saw his mother about to ascend the steps to the house and the carriage driving away. Without waiting to greet his mother, he turned and ran to the back of the house and out the door by the kitchen to reach the stables as quickly as possible. It was a few minutes later that he had Felix saddled and was riding toward Miss Abbot’s home. Perhaps Julia had left a note giving her family a clue as to where they were headed. Tracking her down and stopping her before a wedding could take place was his only goal now. The thought of failure was truly painful for him.

  How would he cope now, knowing he had lost her for good? Henry could hardly determine how he’d get through the next ten minutes. How would he survive for years? He tried to contemplate three or four years from now. Would his heart recover without him realizing like it had with Miss Corey? No, it would not. He would never move on knowing Julia was alive and well but out of his reach.

  He could see their party exiting the carriage as he arrived at Miss Abbot’s home. While he quickly tied Felix to the gate, Mrs. North nodded her head in his direction as a brief greeting and continued into the house. Miss Abbot emerged next and he hurried over to her and asked, “When did they leave, do you know? Did Julia leave you a letter?”

  Suddenly, before he received an answer, Julia herself was standing beside Miss Abbot. “What letter? What are you talking about?” Julia asked.

  He was so surprised to see her, that for a moment he just took her in. Her hair had loose strands around her face the way it often was after their riding lessons. Her dress was pale green and her brown eyes looked light in the sunshine. She looked beautiful in an effortless way, just like always. Not at all like someone who was planning a devious elopement. He was not sure his senses were serving him well, and he grabbed both her arms and exclaimed, “Julia, you’re here?”