Lifeline

by Susan X Meagher

  By the end of her first session the next day, Ryan felt like she’d been beaten with sticks. Amanda had slowly urged her to open her protective shell and talk about the things that were interfering with her sleep. Trying to stall for time, Ryan asked, "Can you explain something to me?"

  "Sure, if I can."

  "Why did we both do so well when we were on vacation? We didn’t have one nightmare, we didn’t have this crap breaking into every third thought, and we really enjoyed being together. Now I can hardly stand to be in the same room with Jamie! I don’t feel like having sex, and that’s one of the things that usually keeps me calm," she said. "Even kissing her reminds me of the thing." She was once again unable to refer to the carjacking by any but the most obscure reference, and had settled on "thing". "I hide out in her mom’s office, and work on school work all day – and that’s just not like me!"

  Amanda nodded, then said, "That’s not surprising, Ryan. Right now, seeing Jamie only reminds you of the ‘thing’. Being vulnerable, and open, and sexual with her is just not something that’s going to come easily for a while."

  "That’s why I think coming here is a bad idea!" Ryan cried. "I should feel better –but I’m feeling worse!"

  "You will feel better… I assure you that you will. Look, Ryan, what happened to you in the Bahamas is not unexpected. You had a horrific, life-threatening event occur, and a few days later you were able to leave everything behind. The weather was different, you didn’t have to see any of your family members, no one brought the incident up – you were truly on a vacation. Your emotions were on vacation, too, Ryan. But you can’t stay on vacation forever. At some point, you have to buckle down and face your real life. You real life is pretty tough right now, and I realize that your instinct is to run from it. But you can only run so far and so fast. Your emotions have to be dealt with, and I assure you that this is the right place to deal with them. I guarantee you that you can make some progress here, and be able to rely on Jamie once again for your emotional support."

  "I miss her," Ryan sighed, a few tears escaping. "It reminds me of how close I came to losing her …" She dropped her head in her hands and started to cry again, letting out some of the feelings that had been choking her.

  During her three-hour break, Ryan did nothing more than walk aimlessly down the streets of Carmel, finally finding herself by the ocean. She sat down and let the cold breeze and colder sea-spray hit her body, feeling more alive and more connected to the earth when she was being buffeted by nature. When it was time to go, she stood and forced herself back to Amanda’s office, hoping that the woman had, during the break, decided to quit practicing psychiatry completely.

  As soon as Ryan left the house that morning, Jamie got into the Acura NSX and drove into Carmel. She really didn’t have anything on her agenda, but she desperately needed to be around other people. Choosing a crowded diner, she sat at the counter, reading the paper while absently listening to the people around her converse. "Hi," said an elderly woman. "What can I get for ya?"

  Jamie looked up and said, "I’d like a bagel and some orange juice."

  The woman stared at her for a moment, then said, "You’re … that girl from TV."

  "That’s me," she said. She shook her head and let out a mirthless laugh. "It’s hard to think of myself as a celebrity, even though I guess I am. I feel much more like a frightened crime victim."

  The woman’s motherly instincts immediately emerged, and she said, "Well, of course you do, you poor little thing. Did you come down here for a little vacation?"

  "Not really. My parents have a place down here, and we came to avoid being hounded. I hope it doesn’t start up here, too."

  "You’re safe here, sweetie. It’s Jamie … isn’t it?"

  "Uh-huh," she said. "What’s your name?"

  "I’m Helen," she said. "You’ll be safe here, Jamie. I’ll see to that."

  Giving her a warm smile, Jamie asked, "And just how will you accomplish that, Helen?"

  "This is my place," she said proudly, "and I’ll fire anyone who rats you out. I don’t put up with any nonsense around here."

  "I guess I should just stay in the house, but I’ve been feeling like a prisoner," she said. "I really have to get out a little."

  "I promise you that you won’t be bothered here," the woman said. "And forget the bagel. You need to put on a little weight, Jamie. How about some of the best blueberry pancakes you’ve ever had?"

  "Who can say no to blueberry pancakes?" she asked, giving the woman a warm smile. "Bring ‘em on, Helen."

  After enjoying both the food and a long chat with Helen, Jamie was just about at her car when her cell rang. "Hello?"

  "Hi, Jamie. It’s Jack."

  "Oh, hi. Sorry I didn’t return your call, but I’ve just been overwhelmed. I hope you understand."

  "Sure I do," he said. "And if you don’t want to talk now, we don’t have to. I’m just worried about you, and I wanted to hear your voice."

  "We’re okay," she said. "Neither of us was hurt badly. We just have to get a little peace and quiet so we can heal emotionally."

  "I can’t imagine that Ryan isn’t pretty banged up. What she did was … wow."

  "Yeah, she’s a wow kinda woman."

  "Uhm … can I ask you a question? And I’d really like you to be honest with me."

  "Sure. I’ll try."

  "I ahh… kinda want to stay in touch with you. Not to be best friends or anything, but just to… you know."

  "No, I don’t think I do know," she said.

  "I don’t want it to be over. I know you don’t love me anymore, and I’m really happy with Natalie, but I want to have at least some connection to you."

  She paused and thought about it for a long time. Finally, she made up her mind. "You know, I really wish I were the kind of person who could be friends with my ex, but I’m not. I love you, Jack, but our relationship is over. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work for me to maintain contact."

  He was quiet for a moment, then asked, "Is it Ryan? Does it bother her?"

  Jamie barked out a wry laugh. "She wouldn’t complain if I had you move in with us. No, Jack, she’s not like that. She thinks it’s great to maintain relationships with former lovers. This is my decision. I care about you, and I very much want you to have a fulfilling life. I’d just rather hear about it from people who know us both."

  "Okay," he said quietly. "I’m just having a hard time letting go."

  "Uhm … how would Natalie feel if she knew that?"

  "I … I have no idea …"

  "Oh, please. Think about it for a minute, Jack. Natalie would be somewhere between very uncomfortable and livid about us staying in touch. You’d know that if you’d let yourself admit it."

  "Yeah … yeah … you’re right." He sighed deeply and said, "I just have trouble closing the door."

  "I know that about you, Jack. Uhm … speaking of letting go, why did you let go of your plans to clerk for a federal judge this year? I’m surprised you’re even in town."

  "Well, Natalie got a job here in town, and we just decided that it wasn’t good for our relationship to be that far away from each other."

  "You know … it sounds like you two have some good instincts. I urge you to follow them. Concentrate on her like I concentrate on Ryan, and you’ll have a happy marriage. What you and I had will always be special, Jack, but it’s over now."

  "All right." There was an uncomfortable silence, then he said, "Take care of yourself, Jamie. I’ll … I’ll always love you."

  "Thank you, Jack," she said quietly. "Have a very nice life."

  She hung up and sat in the NSX for a long time, feeling the sadness that came over her every time they spoke. If I really worked at it, I could get over my discomfort and be able to talk to him without feeling down. But that’s not where I want to put my energies. My life is messy enough without asking for complications. It’s time to let go, Jack. I have.

  Part 7

  When she returned home, Ryan
kissed Jamie’s cheek and went upstairs without a word. The dark woman looked so wrung-out that Jamie assumed she’d head straight to bed. An hour later, the blonde went up to check on her, and was surprised to find their bed empty. Making her way into the office, she found Ryan sitting at the desk with her chin on her stacked fists, looking glum.

  "What’s up?" Jamie asked quietly, so as not to startle her.

  "If I don’t get this piece of shit in the mail by tomorrow morning, I’ll miss the fucking deadline."

  Knowing just which piece of shit she was referring to, Jamie perched on the edge of the desk and started to run her fingers through Ryan’s hair. Immediately, Ryan sat up, withdrawing her head from Jamie’s grasp. The blonde knew the action was intentional, and she tried to keep herself from feeling hurt by the rejection. "I have another suggestion," she said quietly.

  Ryan sighed, but stopped herself from biting off a smart retort. "Yes?"

  "I think you should take every one of those applications and throw them in the trash."

  Giving her a wry look, Ryan said, "I’ve done that three times. Have anything new?"

  "I think you should throw them in the trash and leave them there. I don’t think you’re in any state to make up your mind about this, Ryan. With all of the stress we’ve been through this year, I think we should put all of our energies into graduating. Once we’re finished with school, I think we should take an extended vacation. We could go see your grandparents, I could take you to Italy … Heck, we could stay in Australia for a few weeks after the Olympics and go snorkeling off the Great Barrier Reef. Doesn’t that sound divine?" she asked softly, seeing that Ryan’s eyes were beginning to lose their sharp focus. The dark head nodded slowly, and Jamie knew she had set the hook. "We could spend a whole year just getting our strength back. We wouldn’t have to do anything but rest, relax, eat well, and try to keep as much stress out of our lives as possible. What do you say?"

  Ryan gazed up at her with a look of stark longing mixed with regret. "I can’t do it," she sighed. "Doing this joint program and finishing my residency will take me more than 10 years. I’ll be in my mid to late thirties by then. I can’t afford to wait yet another year to start our family."

  Seeing that despite her words she still looked receptive, Jamie put a hand on each of Ryan’s shoulders and looked at her with an intent gaze. "It doesn’t make sense to make decisions today based on what you think you want in ten years. We have many, many options, Ryan. I could have the first child, we might decide to adopt our first, we might find that one of us is infertile and can’t have children … There are so many things that can happen, honey. Don’t let this arbitrary time-line prevent you from making a choice now."

  With a look that appeared more confused than Jamie had ever seen, Ryan lay her head on the blonde’s thigh. "I don’t know what to do," she murmured. "I feel like I have to keep going, like it’s wrong to waste a year."

  "How can you possibly say that spending a year on you – on us – is a waste? You tell me that there isn’t anything more important than our relationship," Jamie said. "Well, your words don’t match your actions, Ryan. Forcing yourself to enter medical school this fall will hurt us as a couple."

  "This summer," Ryan mumbled.

  "What?"

  "School starts on July the first at both Stanford and U.C.S.F."

  "So you’d only have what … four weeks off after graduation? With one of those dedicated to the AIDS Ride?"

  "About that," Ryan said.

  "What about the Olympics?" Jamie asked. "Were you just going to skip them?"

  "I uhm … I thought I could go for a long weekend," she admitted quietly. "Just so I got to see Jordan play.

  "Uh-huh." Jamie patted Ryan’s head and said, "You do what you have to do, honey. I promise I won’t hold this over your head if you decide to go to medical school. But I don’t want there to be a doubt in your mind about how I feel about this." She paused for a moment, waiting until Ryan’s eyes met hers. "I don’t want you to go to school next year. I want you to take care of yourself, and pamper yourself, and love yourself as much as I love you."

  Slowly lifting her head, Ryan gazed at her partner for a few moments, then nodded briefly. "I understand," she said. Standing, she stretched and said, "I’m gonna go for a long walk. Don’t worry about me, okay? I might be gone for a while."

  "Bundle up," Jamie directed. "And make sure you take your cell phone."

  Ryan nodded again, and left the room. Jamie sat down and started to look through the applications, smiling to herself when she read the list of accomplishments that her partner had included. I had no idea that she was a member of the National Biology Honor Society ... or the one for math… Yikes! She went to one of those science and math camps when she was a kid! I’m married to a complete nerd! Feeling intimidated by Ryan’s academic prowess, she quickly closed the applications and went downstairs to start dinner, thinking wryly, No matter what, I’ll always be the better cook.

  Two hours later, Ryan walked in through the back door. Her cheeks were bright pink from the cold wind, the drizzle had plastered her hair to her head, and her nose was running. She barely nodded at Jamie, who was sitting before a cozy fire in the kitchen, reading a novel. Five minutes later, she returned, dressed in her warm fleece outfit, her hair combed straight back. She sat down next to Jamie and, one by one, tossed page after page of her applications into the fire. Neither woman said a word. They sat quietly and watched the orange/gold flames licking at the paper until just a few pieces of charred black material remained.

  Amanda urged Ryan to start to do some of the things that normally gave her pleasure, so on Thursday morning, she woke early, drenched in sweat from a lurid nightmare as usual, and decided she might as well get up and go for a run.

  Her mood grew a little brighter when she got into her running clothes and did a few stretches. Just acting like things were normal felt better than she had imagined, and she found herself whistling as she ran down the drive. The good mood was short-lived however, for when she got to the gate, she saw the flashing lights of three police cars. Turning immediately, she ran back into the house, turned both locks, and hugged the door desperately. She stayed right there, resting her cheek against the cool wood, until her heart slowed to a more normal pace. Finally, she trudged up the stairs to one of the guest rooms, kicked off her shoes, and crawled between the cool sheets, determined to stay in bed until she had to leave for therapy. Suddenly she shot up, panicked. I can’t leave for therapy! I can’t go out there! Her heart began to race again, and she lay in bed repeating the mantra that Amanda had given her. This will pass. The reporters can’t hurt me. They only want to take my picture.

  Ryan would not brave the reporters camped outside, even when Jamie offered to drive her to therapy. So she spoke to Amanda on the phone, actually preferring the experience to an in-person visit. She sat in Catherine’s office, staring at the sea, her attention not diverted by having to physically interact with another person. By the end of the session, Amanda was convinced that Ryan was the type of person who could benefit from phone sessions, so they agreed that the terrified woman would stay at home for the remainder of their time together.

  Jamie called Maeve later that morning, just to give her an update. "Ryan’s not doing well, Maeve. I know she said she wanted to have a big party this weekend, but I really don’t think that’s wise."

  "Is she still having the nightmares?" Maeve asked.

  "Yes. Therapy’s really hard for her," Jamie said. "She just feels so much – do you know what I mean?"

  "I do," Maeve said. "She’s always taken the weight of the world on her small shoulders."

  "That’s about it," Jamie said. "I think she’d do better this weekend if just you and Martin came down. Is that okay?"

  "Of course it is, sweetheart. As much as she loves the rest of the family, there is a part of her that thinks she has to put up a strong front for the others."

  "That’s it exactly," Jamie said. "She
can be herself with her da and you, Maeve, and she needs to just be herself for a while. If there’s anything you can think of to help her feel more like herself, please bring it!"

  Jamie found her partner sitting in Catherine’s office, curled up on the chaise lounge, watching the surf pound against the rocks. "Ryan?"

  Her head turned and she noticed that Jamie was wearing a turtleneck, a heavy wool sweater and a pair of pleated slacks. "Are you going somewhere?" she asked, her eyes wide.

  "Yes," Jamie said, wincing when she saw the terrified look on Ryan’s face. "I’m going to go over to the club and work at the practice range for a while. I have to spend some time on my game, Ryan. I owe it to my team."

  "You could hit balls here. I’ll go fetch them for you!"

  "Oh, honey, I know you don’t want me to go out, but I have to. I need to be around people."

  Running her hands through her hair, Ryan nodded. "Fine. Go ahead. I’ll be all right." She started to turn away, then leapt to her feet, her face turning ghostly pale. "They’re out there! You can’t go out!"

  "Yes, I can," Jamie said. "I don’t care if they follow me, Ryan. If they get their kicks out of taking pictures of me hitting a golf ball, more power to ‘em."

  "But what if they run you off the road! Look what they did to Princess Diana!"

  "Sweetie, this is hardly the same situation. Now, you’re just letting your imagination get the best of you. I’ll be fine."

  "Will you call me?" Ryan asked, her whole body shaking.

  "I’ll do better than that. I’ll take the NSX. There’s a built-in hands-free phone in it. I’ll call you as soon as I leave the driveway and chat with you while I drive. How’s that?"

  "All right," she said quietly. Shaking her head, she wrapped Jamie in a hug, and the smaller woman could feel the sweat dribbling down her back. "I’m sorry I’m so needy," she whispered.