Lifeline

by Susan X Meagher

  "You’re not needy," Jamie said. "You’re justifiably terrified. Now stop denigrating yourself, okay?"

  "Okay." She got up and went to their room to change. "I’m gonna work out while you’re gone."

  "Again? You nearly killed yourself yesterday, honey. Why not go for a nice swim?"

  "No. I feel safer in the gym. Working out clears my mind."

  "All right, love. You know what works best. I’ll call you as soon as I pull out, okay?"

  "See you soon, baby. Please, please, be safe."

  "I will. I promise you that I will."

  Jamie worked for an hour, feeling her muscles react to the strain after more than a week of inactivity. She wasn’t ready to go home yet, mainly since she hadn’t spoken to anyone at the course. Feeling conversation deprived, she decided to head over to the diner again, smiling when Helen greeted her warmly. "Hey, Jamie, how goes it?"

  "Not great," she said, sitting at the counter. "I went to play golf and got followed by nearly a dozen reporters. They took my picture so many times I felt like Cindy Crawford."

  "Oh, you’re cuter than she is," Helen said. As she spoke, an intrepid member of the press entered and snapped a flash photo of Jamie. "Out!" Helen yelled, physically pushing him out the door.

  "You can’t do that!" he yelled. "This is a public place!"

  "Not any more it’s not," she growled, slapping the lock in place.

  She lowered the blinds that covered the windows and said to the remaining patrons, "Let me know when y’all want to leave."

  "Helen! You can’t just shut down because of me!"

  "Sure I can. Hell, it’s nearly time to close anyway. I told you that you’d be safe here, kiddo, and I meant it. Now what’ll it be? How about a nice, thick, chocolate malt?"

  "You read my mind," Jamie said, enormously pleased that she had made a friend.

  Jamie was lying in bed that night when Ryan came out of the bathroom. She was dressed in a pair of the flannel pajamas that Jamie had bought her, wearing both the top and the bottoms – a rare occurrence for the normally warm-blooded woman. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking surprisingly uncomfortable. "Jamie," she said softly, her eyes darting all about the room. "This isn’t going well. We’re keeping each other up half the night, and I know that part of my irritability is because I’m so damned tired."

  "Honey," Jamie said, reaching out to touch Ryan’s cold hands, "since you’re under a doctor’s care now, it’s all right if you want to ask her for something to make you sleep."

  Ryan shook her head. "I don’t want to take drugs. Amanda and I have been through this discussion already, and I’m very, very uncomfortable with the idea. I’ve got to get through this on my own."

  "How can I help?" Jamie asked. "You know I’ll do anything."

  "I do." Ryan gave her a sad smile and patted her shoulder. "I think it would be best if we … slept apart for a little while. My nightmares are keeping you up, and yours scare the crap out of me. It’s … it’s … too hard."

  Jamie was using every bit of her willpower to keep from letting her dismay show. If this was truly what Ryan needed, she wanted to avoid making her feel bad for asking for it. "Uhm … do you really think that will help? I uhm … thought that sleeping with me helped calm you down." Her voice was a little shaky, but her face was as composed as she could make it.

  Chafing the smaller hands in her own, Ryan said, "It does, sweetheart. Normally, it does. It’s just that right now … for just a little while … I need all of the rest that I can get, and I think you do, too."

  "Of course I do, honey. I’d love to sleep the whole night through. But …"

  Ryan stood, her hand brushing the bangs from Jamie’s forehead. "Let’s give it a try and see how it goes, okay?" She bent and kissed the top of her partner’s head. "Sleep tight, Jamie. I’ll see you in the morning." She walked across the room and paused at the door. "I love you."

  "I love you, too, Ryan," the smaller woman said, trying to keep the tears from her eyes.

  As Ryan walked out the door, Jamie curled up in a ball and let the tears come. She cried for a very long time, letting all of the sadness and loss flow over her. Nearly an hour passed, and she realized that she wasn’t going to sleep for a long while, if at all. The night was clear, so she put on her robe and sat on the window seat to gaze at the ocean, feeling like she’d lost a part of herself. Suddenly, an idea dawned on her, and she got up and took her cell phone off the dresser. Choosing a number from the memory and hitting the button, she paused a moment, then smiled warmly and said, "Mom? Damn, it’s good to hear your voice."

  A half hour later, Jamie slipped into the guest room, only to hear Ryan’s quiet, but wide-awake voice ask, "What’s wrong?"

  The smaller woman took off her robe and placed it over a chair, then climbed into bed. "We don’t have to cuddle. We don’t even have to touch. But we do have to sleep together, Ryan. Yes, our sleep is important – but it’s not more important than our relationship. Part of what keeps us connected is sleeping together. You’re the only person I love or trust enough to share this with, Ryan. I can’t let go of that. It means too much to me, and I think it means as much to you."

  Ryan was quiet for a long time, then said, "Okay. You’re probably right. We’ll get through our nightmares together."

  "That’s how we’ll get through everything that life throws at us, Ryan. Together."

  On Friday morning, Jamie got out of bed when Ryan did, even though neither of them slept well at all. Ryan’s schedule was to call Amanda at 7 a.m. and again at 6 p.m., so she tried to get up by 6:30, so she was coherent. "You don’t have to get up," she said. "No sense in both of us walking around like zombies."

  Clearing her throat, Jamie rubbed her eyes and said, "I made a tee time for 7:30. I’ve got to get up and warm up a little first."

  Ryan stood as still as a statue and stared at her partner. "You’re gonna play a whole round?"

  "Yes." Jamie looked up at her and said, "I have to, Ryan. I need the practice, and I need to feel like the reporters don’t control me." She stood and wrapped her arms around her partner, but Ryan’s body was stiff, and she didn’t return the hug. Pulling back, Jamie looked at her and said, "I know this is hard for you, and I swear I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t have to. But I have to."

  "I understand," Ryan said briskly. "I’ll go make some coffee. Go ahead and take your shower."

  Watching her leave, Jamie closed her eyes. I’d give anything to be able to stay here and take care of you, but I have to take care of myself, too.

  Ryan stood at the back door, sending Jamie off with a quick wave. The blonde once again felt herself overcome with admiration for her stoic partner. She knew that Ryan was terrified to be alone, and even more terrified to have her out in the world, but she stood erect, head held high, neither her posture nor her expression revealing the tiniest hint of her distress.

  As expected, most of the reporters leapt into their cars when Jamie pulled out in the NSX, and in seconds they were in a queue, headed for the golf course.

  She parked, and ignored the shutters as they snapped, ignoring as well the inane questions that were hurled at her. When she reached the pro shop she smiled at the starter and said, "I’ve got a 7:30 tee time. I’m sure that no one will want to play with me once he or she learns that we’ll be followed by reporters and photographers."

  "Don’t worry about that, Jamie," the man said. "Your playing partner’s waiting for you on the driving range.

  She gave him a curious smile, but on her way down to the range the identity of her partner dawned on her. Her suspicions proved correct when she saw her old pal Chip sitting in a golf cart, giving her a tiny wave.

  He hopped out and gave her a robust hug, not pulling back when she said, "We’re gonna be in the papers tonight."

  "Oh, like that would be such a bad thing for me," he said, releasing her. "Having the prettiest girl in Monterey give me a hug can only enhance my reputation."

  She gav
e him an odd look, and he immediately apologized. "Oh, damn, I hope those pictures won’t cause you any trouble, Jamie. Shit! You probably have a new boyfriend by now, and he might not like to see that on the evening news."

  "No, no, I don’t have a boyfriend," she said quickly. Suddenly, she felt decidedly uncomfortable. She had come out to dozens of people over the past months, but had told very few people who knew her before Ryan. With a start, she realized that she didn’t like the feeling very much, and felt her discomfort grow.

  "Aw, come on," he said. "Surely the guys in Berkeley haven’t failed to notice you."

  "I’ve been noticed," she said, trying to figure out a way to let the matter drop.

  He looked at her for a moment, then said, "I don’t mean to butt into your business, Jamie, but maybe you hang out with Ryan too much. Guys don’t know what to make of it when they see a woman who’s always hanging around with another girl. She’s a pretty intimidating woman, and after I saw what she did to those assholes, it’s obviously not just an act. She’s fierce!"

  Immediately, her qualms disappeared and she looked him in the eye and said, "She’s also mine."

  "P … pardon?"

  "She’s mine. I’m hers. We’re lovers … spouses … life mates. Call it what you will, Chip, but she’s my woman. And yes, she’s as fierce as a mountain lion."

  "But … Jamie!"

  "Yes?" she asked, leaning forward and cocking her head.

  "I had no idea you were …"

  "Well, I am. And luckily, so is she. We’re very happy together, Chip, so thanks for the advice, but I’m gonna keep her very close to me."

  He stared at her for a moment, then shook his head to clear it. Giving her a perturbed look, he said, "You know, you set me up."

  "What?"

  "I asked you if you had a new boyfriend, and you acted like you were totally unattached. I wouldn’t have sounded like such an oaf if you’d been straight up with me."

  She was poised to snap off a quick retort, but bit her tongue, considering her answer. "You’re right. You caught me by surprise." Chuckling softly, she said, "I’m certainly not ashamed of loving Ryan, but I haven’t come out to many people who knew me before. I guess I just need some practice."

  "That’s okay," he said, his smile returning. "Damn, you’re a nice girl! Most women would bust my chops, even if they were totally in the wrong. Are you really sure you’re a lesbian?"

  "All signs point to it," she said, laughing softly. "I took to it like a duck to water." Giving him a wry smirk, she asked, "The mere fact that you didn’t know about me and Ryan caught me by surprise, you know. Don’t you read the papers? Little tidbits about our relationship have been in the tabloids for almost a week."

  He gave her a sheepish grin and said, "I eat every meal here or at a restaurant. All I have in my refrigerator is a couple of bottles of wine and some condiments that I bought when I first moved in. I don’t think I’ve been to a grocery store in a year." Giving her a puzzled look, he asked, "Isn’t that where you see the tabloids?"

  "Yeah, but it’s been in the newspaper, too."

  Shrugging his shoulders helplessly, he asked, "In the sports page?"

  She rolled her eyes, saying, "I wish more people were as disconnected from the media as you are, Chip. Our lives would be a heck of a lot easier."

  Looking uncertain for a moment, he thrust his hands into his pockets. "Are you happy, Jamie?"

  "I am. Not so much lately, but that certainly isn’t Ryan’s fault. It’s been a tough month."

  "I almost fainted when I saw you guys on the news that night," he said, shaking his head. "I was watching the Warriors play, and they broke in to cover the car chase," he added, cementing his credentials as a news-avoidant. "Are you doing all right?"

  "Yes, mostly. It’s just hard to get back to normal when we’re constantly harassed."

  He looked up and saw the photographers, none of them currently snapping, but all waiting with bated breath. "I forgot they were here," he said.

  "It’s harder to forget when they’re outside of your house, with a couple of big generators and a few helicopters whirring overhead."

  "I really feel for you, Jamie. I don’t know how you two made it, but I’m really glad that you did."

  "Me, too, Chip. Me too."

  "Well, are we gonna play, or just have our pictures taken?"

  "You don’t mind?"

  "No, I’d love to play with you, Jamie. I really like you, even when I’m not hitting on you."

  "Funny boy," she said. "Okay. Let’s see how you do when shutters are snapping on your backswing."

  "Oh, no," he said. "First time that happens, I’ll call the marshal to run ‘em. I’m all for freedom of the press, but I’ve got a reputation to maintain!"

  Jamie got home just before noon and found Ryan still in the gym. "Don’t tell me you were working out this entire time!"

  "Okay," Ryan said, wiping her face with a towel. "I won’t tell you."

  "Ryan, I’ve been gone for 5 hours!"

  "I didn’t work out the entire time. I spoke with Amanda for an hour, then I had a little breakfast. No big deal."

  "Honey, it is a big deal. You can’t work out for 3 or 4 hours at a time."

  "Jamie," she said, giving her a very serious look, "you do what you have to do to maintain your sanity. I do what I have to. Now, how about some lunch?"

  "I had lunch," she said, looking guilty. "I’m sorry, honey, but you’re usually up in the office, so I didn’t think you’d mind …"

  "I don’t. I would have liked a phone call, but I certainly don’t mind." She wiped her face again, the sweat still running into her eyes. "Look, I’m just irritable. I’m really worried about Da and Aunt Maeve coming down today."

  "Uhm … honey, this might make you more irritable, but I played golf with Chip today."

  Ryan stiffened, then cocked her head. "Chip? Was this something you planned?"

  "No, of course not!"

  "Then why would I be irritated?" she asked, her blue eyes boring into Jamie.

  "Uhm … because there’s probably gonna be a picture of me hugging him. Well, technically it’s him hugging me, but nonetheless …"

  She shrugged her shoulders, her skin glowing in the warm halogen light. "You’re friends. No big deal." Turning for the door, she said, "I’m gonna get some lunch. Want anything?"

  "No, no thanks," she said, watching the taciturn woman dash down the stairs without another word.

  I think I screwed up, she thought worriedly. I know I didn’t handle that properly, but I don’t want to bring it up again if it really didn’t bother her. Damn it, we sure as hell don’t need another problem cropping up right now.

  Ryan paced around the house all afternoon, peppering Jamie with so many questions that the smaller woman was about to go mad. Trying her best to maintain her patience, she assured her for the umpteenth time, "They won’t have any trouble getting into the gate, honey. The security camera will activate as soon as they drive up. All we have to do is press a button and the gate will open."

  "But … but … what if someone comes in with them?" Ryan’s eyes were wild with worry, and Jamie wondered if she should call Amanda and beg for a prescription for tranquilizers for her partner.

  "Ryan, that’s not going to happen. I called the guard station, and they’re going to escort them to the gate. The security force has been very competent so far, haven’t they?"

  "Yes," she said, nodding slightly, "but this is different. This is more complex than anything we’ve asked them to do."

  "I’ll call down there again, honey. I’ll talk to the security chief, and ask to talk to the guard station. I promise this will not be a problem."

  Ryan nodded and went to take up her position again–pacing across the crushed gravel that covered the parking area.

  The security guard called a little after seven to say that Martin and Maeve were in the compound. Jamie turned to tell her partner they had arrived, and was dismayed to see Ry
an sitting in a chair, her head between her knees as she struggled for breath.

  Kneeling down beside her, Jamie wrapped an arm around her, feeling the sweat that had already managed to soak her turtleneck. Ryan’s body was coiled with tension, and her breathing was horribly labored. Not having any idea how to help calm her, Jamie just held on tight and tried to soothe her, silently cursing the fact that the house was several miles down the road from the guard station. Finally, the alarm sounded, and she got up to press the entry button. She watched carefully, and saw that the security vehicle was right behind Maeve’s car; and after the little import cleared the gate, it closed quickly. The guard waited a moment, then pulled away. "They’re here, honey," Jamie said, hoping her lover could hear her. "The guard waited until they were inside. No one got in with them." Getting no response, she approached her again and said, "You just sit here until you feel better. I’ll keep them outside for a few minutes until you feel like coming out, okay?’

  "Okay," Ryan managed to gasp, sweat running down her strained face.

  "I love you," Jamie whispered fiercely before running outside to greet their guests.

  Jamie walked the couple around the property, showing them some of the winter blooming flowers that dressed up the area around the drive. The older couple knew something was awry, but Jamie didn’t want to worry them, so she just stalled for time. Finally, Ryan emerged, a clean shirt on and her face freshly washed. She was still very flushed and looked completely wrung-out, but she put up a good front, amazing her partner with her resilience.

  "Hi there," she said, giving both her father and aunt a warm hug. "Did you have a nice drive?"

  "Just fine, love," Martin said. "No problems at all."

  Shooting nervous looks all around the property, Ryan said, "It’s awfully chilly. Let’s go inside."

  Conor called not long after they arrived, and Ryan spent a few minutes on the phone with her brother. "She doesn’t look well," Martin whispered, with Maeve adding an anxious nod.